It's a great place to be, knowing who you are, accepting that, and moving forward. I think many people lead the life they think they are "supposed" to have. Maybe they don't even stop to think what they really want, they just "do." I've taken the past 9 months and really reflected on who I am. I do want the same things I've always wanted, to be married and to have children, or at least a child. But my brain has just now let me in on a big component to the "who" that it could possibly be. 9 months ago I experienced something outside my comfort zone. Outside the box of my baptist church going, baptist college background I had grown up in. I had feelings for a straight friend. a girl. yes I was a little freaked out at first, and yes I called it a fluke and after it was clear that nothing would come from it, I chocked it up to the fact that I just had a lot of excess energy that I was throwing on whoever I was closestest to and was connecting with the most at the time, and it just happened to be a girl. But only after a week of casting this off as a one time occurence, I went to the Kristin Chenoweth concert. You all know how much I love her and how meeting her was one of the highlights of my life. well, I was processing her concert, post show. I was thinking about how much I loved her, and of course Wicked and yeah sure she's teeny tiny and funny and an amazing singer, but the real reason I loved her was because she is a Christian who is open about her faith AND also openly loves and supports people who are gay, and gay marriage. I thought to myself, why do you care so much? You don't even have any friends that are gay and you aren't gay? and then just like a light bulb going on, my brain told me, but you are. My brain let me even slowly, like a toe in the ocean before going all the way in. I processed being bi at first and what my true feelings were for guys. And...Yeah...it's just not there, I just don't see it. haha. All jokes aside, it isn't something I can explain, as it is what is inside me and how I was made, I believe. Plus this is a blog to the world, so details are not needed. I just know how I feel and what is right for me, and that's enough. I was told AND told myself my whole life that I needed to find a Christian guy, get married, have a couple kids and my life would be exactly as it should be. I would be happy. For years I've been unhappy, as the past 6 years I haven't had a soul. Through 9 months of self reflection, processing outloud with friends and a counselor, but mostly alone with myself and my thoughts and journals and screenplays and blogs, I have found more peace and happiness and excitement for my future than I have ever felt before. I go to a church that is LBGT and it is more loving and I feel more comfortable than I've ever felt in any other church. I am truly blessed and incredibly lucky to have close friends that not only accept me, and still love me, but are SO extremely excited for me to learn this about myself and are so looking forward to meeting that girl that will come into my life and I guess we will both sweep each other off each others feet...not really sure how that works with 2 girls. haha! So, as you can tell, I am perfectly comfortable and happy with myself and at peace. Those are my favorite words lately. I say them often. My family seems to be taking it well too, just a normal day. I just came out to them on saturday; I'm sure there's processing to do, but I have a family that loves me and thankfully isn't walking out on me or pushing me away. We're all still standing!
I am finally excited for what is in store for my life. I pray everyday for my girl. This is what I like to call her because "girlfriend" are close friends, and "partner" sounds like we are starting a business together. She's my girl and I pray for her everyday and I can't wait to meet her. And by golly everyone will know when I do, because I will be esatic when I meet her, so a step up from the already "happy and content" that I am. And one day, she will be called my "wife." And that, my friends, has a nice ring to it ;o)
