Sometimes I feel like an alien. Like I don't fit in on this planet. Like I'm walking around in human skin, looking like everyone else, enough to not draw attention, enough to not get noticed, but yet I am not like everyone else. And I don't mean that in a "the way you look or dress" kind of way. I mean it in a "conforming to the invisible rules of the land," that everyone seems to get but me. And that's the "couple up and have a family" rule. Families are fucking everywhere and it's super annoying... when you don't have one yourself and you're the only single loser you know (in your opinion). And it's not that I should return to my home planet, where I would fit in with "my people." I don't HAVE people. I just don't. That's a fact. Maybe everyone feels this way at some point in their life, but when you have your own family, when you have a partner that is choosing to be with you, choosing to live in the same house and talk to you and be intimate with you both physically and emotionally, that is EVERYTHING and i'm pretty sure most people who have that, take it for granted. I'm pretty sure at some point they wish they didn't have kids that wanted to be with them all the time. I'm sure they want a nights sleep without their better half cuddling up to them, when all they want is to be left alone and sleep in peace. Oh poor them. They have people that want to be with them. If I could roll my eyes in words, I would. I guess I just did by spelling it out. And I'm sure I'll be one of those people, someday. Well let me correct that. I THOUGHT I'd be one of those people. I don't now. Now I see myself on the outside. One day I'll die and my cat will probably eat me, because there won't be anyone to check on me. That's a morbid thought, but it feels more likely than me ever connecting to another human being on a deep level that spawns intimacy both the physical and emotional kind. Every day I play therapist to Moms with babies with special needs and that's fine. I get paid for that and I could pay someone to listen to me talk as well, they're called counselors or therapists or whatever they want to call themselves and I've been to them. I don't want someone that HAS to listen to me. I want someone to WANT to listen to me. And I want to listen to them too. Is that so wrong?? I feel like whenever I hear about someone moving forward in their lives whether it be marriage or having a baby, I feel like I've being left even further behind. As if their moving forward is causing me to move backwards. Also that there's something's wrong with me. There has to be. But there's something wrong with all of us and many messed up people are still in healthy relationships with their spouse. We all have problems. It's called life. And I don't have one. I really don't. I really really wish that I didn't want that. That I could be some emotionless robot who doesn't have feelings and lives their life doing whatever it is they were created to do, but it didn't involve another person. I wish so badly I could be that person. But it's not a person. People aren't created to be alone, but I've managed to survive this long, basically alone. Over 10 years without anyone. Nothing. No kiss, no being held by someone (well minus that cuddle party I went to twice, which was amazing the first time and the absolute worst thing ever, the second time). I may as well be that robot. Since robots can't be kissed or held, well unless they're some fancy high tech kind with skin and sensors. But I digress. I wish I felt nothing when people around me move forward in their lives, get married, have children. I wish it didn't bother me. I wish I felt nothing but happiness for them, I do. I wish that. I wish I could be one of those people that could go out and just have a good time and hook up with whoever they meet and have one night stands. I do. But that will never be me, I just can't do it. But at least it would mean I had some kind of connection with someone, anyone, to have made it past the first meeting and into that night together. Instead of how I am now, void of human connections. I'm sure it's me. I'm sure I'm not giving off the right vibe, but I am who I am. I'm not going to change. I'm a kind, decent person. I recycle. I pay taxes. I help babies for crying out loud. I am ALWAYS nice to food service people, because I feel like their job sucks the most and they deserve human kindness, because I know for a fact that most people are going to be rude to them, taking out their own crap on them. And sure they can be rude on their own, but I still will say thank you with a smile. It's called human decency. I think at one point I was probably coming off desperate with people. Friends. I tried so hard to hang on to college friendships that were never going to last. I tried to force it. I wanted to hang out with them still, but they were already married and had begun their real life. And now mostly I'm just like- eh. Why even bother? And even if I do try, I'm not really that open to it. I mean I'll talk to people, but I can read people really well, too well. I know whether or not they are at all interested in talking to me, within like 2 seconds of meeting them. I don't push relationships. If I do feel something, I do try. I really do. I got out of my way to make some sort of contact with them or gesture or anything to let them know that I think they're cool and want to get to know them more. But guess what? It doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't get any response back, or maybe like am email or 2 and then nothing. And then I forget their names and what they look like and I move on, because if anything, I'm consistent. I'm consistent at being alone. I'm consistent at going places and on trips all over the place, alone. I'm used to it by now. I always end up feeling like I wish I had someone there to share the experience, the hotel bed with in particular, but I still have a great time. That other part would just be nice. It would be more than nice, it would be amazing. It would send a great trip over the top. But oh well. It's just not going to be me. I wish there was someone to blame, like God. But I've blamed him long enough and it's gotten me nowhere. I heard that song again recently. The one about the volcano who is all alone but has hope and wishes or prays every day for someone and then when he is beaten down by the endless weight of nothing happening, he starts to sink into the ocean, but little did he know, his girl was under him in the water, listening to his song. And then she rises up there finally, but doesn't see him and he's down below and can't sing his song anymore because he doesn't have anymore lava. And then for reasons that aren't explained, he bursts out of the ocean once again and finally meets her above the sea, and they live together and their song changes the dream line to "growing old together." If you don't know that song, it's called Lava. And it is a very hopeful song. Even when he gives up and even though technically he couldn't move and look for anyone, but she was right under his nose, which is what they always say. (insert rolling eyes here). I said I was going to print the lyrics and sing the song every day like he did, as if it were some sort of magical formula that will present my volcano gal right in front of my eyes. Well...I have tried everything else, so why not this? So here goes nothing: "I have a dream, I hope will come true. That you're here with me and I'm here with you. I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above will send me someone to lava." Did it work did it work?? (insert silly emoji here)
I wrote most of that several days ago and even though I still agree with it, I'm not then nor am now, depressed over it. I'm just stating the facts of my life. I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't bother me that I'm left out of something I feel that everyone who is, we'll just say "typical," has in their life. And again I don't mean typical in the sense of straight. I just mean typical, tax paying, job holding, human beings. Take that for what you will. You know what I mean. I do take a bit of comfort when I find out that my favorite female actors (because really, there are no other kind) who are also my age, are also single and childless like me. Of course they probably have their eggs frozen, but still, straight or gay, I feel a camaraderie that they are still single with me. As if that really matters. But it's just nice to not feel so alone in it. Especially if that someone is someone I feel something for, even if it's stupid and pointless and will never be reciprocated. And if they do find someone... well then they're dead to me. I'm kidding. Stars deserve love just like anybody else. I don't know that anybody doesn't "deserve" love. Maybe not Hitler or certain serial killers... but how did they get that way in the first place? Lack of love? Yeah let's not tug at that shoestring. Or we'll start tripping down stairs.
Go sing your Lava song, Christie... and go live vicariously in your stories you right. Anything else that happens will be a miracle, but miracles do happen... to some people... surely...
