Try and then try again and then repeat...

"You can't let the fear of failing stop you from trying."
Hercules said this to Snow White on the TV show, Once Upon a Time

As children you're told "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Adults need to tell kids this because otherwise they'd give up after the first failure, or at least a lot of us would. I see it everyday. The 2 year olds I work with: half of them will try and put that square shape in the circle hole till the cows come home, but the others will just give up and throw the damn thing. I always tell them, "keep trying," "try another one." Half listen to me and half don't, but if they do try another hole, some of them actually get it in. But what about those that never find that square hole? What if they try the triangle and the star, every single dang one but the correct one? They don't see what's staring them in the face. Sometimes that's life. Sometimes you try everything and get no results, no resolution, no reward. You're the square piece and every person you meet is a circle or a star or a triangle and you never find your square. It sucks, but it's the way it goes sometimes. But the only other option is not trying at all and you definitely can't find your matching shape if you don't even TRY and see what's out there. It's impossible to look everywhere, so you can never really say "I've tried everything." I've definitely been in the "not trying" phase for quite a long while now. I'm beginning small steps to maybe even just meet some people that could be possible friends, but it's coming with a lot of baggage that I'm not really ready to deal with yet, not sure if I'll ever be ready to open THAT door again, but that discussion is for another time and not in this format.

What if a child knew they couldn't do the shape sorter and stopped trying all-together? For every toy? The fear of failing is a strong one, but hopefully most kids have loving parents cheering them on, clapping for the tiniest things, or at least an Early Intervention Specialist like me, who does the cheering and clapping and encouraging. It's probably why most of my kids run to me with a smile on their face when I get there, because they know I'm not only going to engage in play with them, but tell them things other than "stop that" or "no." But that's a whole other story entirely, as well.

I have another quote to share that spoils a recent scene from The Walking Dead. So stop now if you haven't watched last weeks episode, but do come back, because it's a fantastic quote.

Denise says: "I could've gone with Tara, I could've told her I loved her but I didn't, because I was afraid. That's what's stupid. Not coming out here, not facing my shit. And it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying. Because you're strong and you're smart. And you're both really good people and if you don't wake up, and face your..." and then she died. But I'm guessing that she was going to say "...face your fears. You are going to die alone." Or "you are going to miss out on something great," or something along those lines. Because she's right... existing isn't enough. Breathing and eating and sleeping isn't enough.

I like that she said that: "it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying." Even though in this apocalyptic world of the undead coming to eat you, I would find "trying" extremely difficult; I do see her point and I take it to heart. I AM strong and I AM smart. Just because I haven't figured it out yet, haven't figured out where to meet someone, doesn't mean I can't figure it out. I am a smart capable woman. That's not to say people who aren't, shouldn't have love, I wish everyone would find someone, but I need to be the strong person I already know I am and have proven to be, and get the fuck outta here and at least try! All you can do is you. I can't make anyone like me or fall for me or find me attractive or want to hang out with me again; but I can be me. I can be in environments where people tend to gather. I feel closer to the characters in my TV shows than I do actual people. They get me. I don't have anybody that truly gets me, in my life right now. I realized this today. I do have my best friend who loves me and who will always be there for me and is single handedly the only person in my life that TRULY BELIEVES that I will meet the love of my life. She KNOWS it. She told me on the phone the other day how she hears people talk about how they are unhappy in their marriages and maybe that's due to getting married young and just changing over the years into completely different people and how that can cause friction and differences they didn't know they had before. But for me, since I'm older, she said that when I find that woman, she will be perfect for me and I will be happy, forever. Period. The end. Now I know its unrealistic to be happy every day, but I get what she meant. I know what I want, I know what I need and if this woman exists (which she believes she does), we will ride off into the proverbial sunset together. That's the dream. I mean come on, what else is there in life but love? Physical, emotional love. Like love. Meaning I like you and I love you. I've never going to leave you love. (Well on my own account, at least). I probably had a point here, but have drifted off into this magical world where I have this person my bestie is talking about. Oh yeah, I was talking about how I don't have anyone that gets me. This is true. I don't even have a friend who is like me, who likes who I like. Who understands what I am going through because she's been there and is currently there (I don't have to spell it out for you). Going out and making friends (especially to what I was referencing to earlier) would mean going back into the closet. I couldn't be my true self with this particular group. Why bother you ask? Well, I never get invited anywhere to anything, so the least I can do is give them a chance. I was thinking it's possible to maybe make a friend outta the whole thing. Ya never know... And I am in desperate need of a face-to-face friend.

But trying over and over again and in various situations and with people and places and things and worlds... (ok maybe not that last part), is tres difficile! (that means very difficult, in French). Sometimes I feel like one of those tone-deaf kids in American Idol who think they can actually sing. When I go out and try to meet people and connect, it's like someone should be telling me, "look Christie. You suck at this. Please stop. You aren't going to get anywhere with this. You think the end game is marriage, but the end game is really you alone on your couch till you're 70." Ok maybe that "someone" is me. I probably tell myself that, even if it is just subconsciously...or typing it out in a blog. I've gotta be more like my bestie. Have her in my head. She would say (and has said before) "I don't know why you're still alone. It makes no sense, but I KNOW that there is the right woman out there for you. You just haven't met her yet. But when you do, it'll be easy because it'll be right and she'll be right for you and you for her. And you'll be happy forever and ever amen." Amen indeed.

Connection...like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow

I feel stuck. I feel a little bit lost. I see myself as this woman in this place of mud, in the middle of the dark woods. I'm all alone and it's dark, but I'm managing. I can't move too well, but at the same time the mud is all over my naked body like one of those mud baths you could take, like I was in some fancy damn spa, so it feels kind of nice and soothing. The hole is small, I fit with a little bit of room around me. My head is out. I can stand in it comfortably. I'm not necessarily sad about being in this mud pit. It is a little lonely and dark and I wish that someone would join me. That'd be kind of sexy actually... but mainly I would like someone to turn on the light. I'd like the sun to come out. But if it came out and I remained in the mud pit then it would harden and I'd be really stuck for good. It would take sledge hammers and shit to get me outta that. I'd just like someone to come by, put her arm out and say take my hand and she wouldn't even have to pull that hard and I'd just spring right out. It would be easy as pie... as mud pie.

I feel like this world of isolation I live in can be comforting but at times extremely lonely. I usually distract myself well. I don't feel depressed over it, just disappointed. I'm disappointed that I've tried so many avenues in the almost 4 years I've been out, and yet, still nothing...no one. I've gone on what might be considered dates, but we didn't connect and all but one ended after that first "date." I can't believe it's been a year since that last so called date. More than a year actually. Is that right? Yeah I believe so. I feel like I've exhausted every possible resource at my disposal. I've gone to all the places where it's just a lot of women drinking somewhere. I hate it. I don't drink, so it's not fun for me. I literally have tried everything, even church. Church isn't for me anymore. I just can't get behind it anymore. I don't understand why God wouldn't have stepped in by now. Why he can't just nudge someone in my direction and I'll do the rest. I've been places. I've been out. I've done it all. I don't know why I haven't connected with anyone. I know I'm capable. I connect with the moms that I work with every single day. I have this ability to make them not only trust me, but more importantly, be empowered through me, just by the words I say to them as they navigate this new terrain with a baby that maybe just needs a little extra help, or one that will need a bit more than that...
If I can connect with them and if I've connected with some people at work and I've made friends in the past.... they may all be too busy to see me now, what with them having real families now; but I've been able to connect before and I can do it now... just if there was someone to do it with. Someone that wanted to try past the first face to face meeting after online messages. Or someone that wanted to give me a chance beyond a first impression. Maybe I'm shy, but I'm certainly not shy when I'm one on one with someone, especially if I don't feel threatened by them at all.
The complexities of the Universe, of God, of whoever, baffle me endlessly. I feel like I'm asking for so little. In comparison. I feel like everyone I know has someone in their life, so it's really not that big of a deal. I'm not asking to become a famous writer or to somehow become the owner of a million dollars and attend a dinner party with Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon, plus a few more SNL alum women. I'm only asking just for this ONE person. It seems most of the population seems to have found that person. Or maybe not "most" but more than just a few people. It definitely feels like the majority. Especially at my age. People always say don't compare yourself to otherwise, but I'm not! Because seriously I don't know anyone who has what I have. They all have husbands and kids. I want something slightly different. I'm not wishing that I was them or had what they had. I do however wish that I got to spend time with them still, but that's pointless to wish. I don't want what they have, I want what I want. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but I know what I mean by it.
So you can see why I feel a little bit at a loss of what to do? I could move to a new city... but who's to say I wouldn't be the exact same predicament there as I am now? I love my house and I love my job. And I love this city, despite it's issues. I like it here. I have everything I need... except one thing. I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I have lots going for me and I'm totally grateful. It's not a matter of being not happy or depressed. I may have called it a mud hole, but I didn't say it was a pit. My head is out. I probably could hoist myself out of there with my arms on the side of the ground, if I knew how. Maybe if I had a reason to. Maybe if there was a girl walking by who didn't see me and I needed to get out quick and chase her down to talk to her. It's not about being strong or weak. It's not about having the ability to do anything that I need to do. I know I have the ability, I just need to be given a chance. I need to at least make a friend who gets me, in all this. A girl like me. Not a girl who is already married to a guy and has kids. I need someone that understands me and could at least bring me along on a group thing. I just need a little help. Then one day I'll return the favor to another lost and lonely girl. One who just needed someone that cared. Someone that noticed they existed and that they were alone in all this. It's one thing to feel a connection to a character on a TV show, that is playing someone "like you." It does feel nice to be represented and to feel that connection and understanding, but it's a totally different thing to have someone in real life. Someone you can talk to and they'll talk back to you. They hear your story and "get" it. And they totally get where you're coming from when you talk about some character on a TV show that you wish was real, so you could date her. They get that and they have been there too. But they know the value and importance of real live connection, and they want to help you find that too. Or at the very least, they want a friend to talk it all out with. Connection. It's all I'm asking for. It shouldn't be that hard to find. But apparently it is. Apparently it's like finding that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Or something less imaginary than that... ;o)