I am reminded in this moment that I am NOT a robot. For some reason I am on the brink of crying, or possibly crying, but I don't know why yet and I'm not a big crier and it has been 7 months since I've balled like a baby, but only 2 days since I had to listen to 3 babies in a row scream cry for what seemed like eternity, so maybe I'm wanting to mimic them. Also, robots don't longed to be hugged and cradled like a baby and have someone lay on top of them, just to feel the weight of another body...to tell them that they are not alone, because literally there is someone on top of you right now, so you couldn't possibly be alone. I was thinking back over the summer when I was struggling and there was this moment of break down and all I wanted was to be held, but I had no one. I asked, and still had no one. It was a really tough moment, but like all tough moments, I do get over them. While I think dying from a broken heart and of loneliness is possible; I do think you'd have to be on a desert island like Tom Hanks was in Castaway, when all he had was Wilson, a volleyball. You know you cried when that ball floated away. We all did.
But I was starting to think about becoming a robot. Like not literally. That's weird and freaky and not possible at this moment in time, at least not current human beings becoming robots. But a robot when it comes to love. And again, not a sex robot. I just wanted to not feel anything anymore. At least not when it comes to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and thinking no one is ever going to love me. It's too late for me and so forth. To be a robot and not care if no one loved me just sounded perfect to me. Because then I wouldn't care if I was alone forever. I wouldn't know what I was missing. And I definitely know.
I can't listen to anyone say that I will find someone, because how the hell do they know? And usually they have someone that loves them, themselves, so they just throw shit out there because they are so happy and in love, it's like, sure why not? I did, you will, it's easy, baada bing baada boom. Robots shut down after work, which I pretty much do anyway. I have to in order to survive. But if I was energized by some lovn' (if ya know what I mean) wink wink, I'm sure I wouldn't need to shut down completely. I'm drained with no one to fill me up. Petting Mollie does help and having her little fat body on my chest in the evenings, does help with the whole "weight of someone" on me, but it's not enough and it's not human, so definitely not what I ultimately need. But I love my moll molls and she is definitely a blessing and I am lucky to have her. Even though she continues to bite my hands and I look like Edward scissorhands is my boyfriend.
But when I've been contemplating trying to be a robot and impossibly turning off the "love button" or what have you, since I'm not using it, I'm reminded of WALL-E. Sweet Walls, falling in love with the beautiful and shiny and new EVE, forever changing what we know about the nature of robots. And somehow he managed to get fat people out of floaty chairs, and that's an amazing feat. Oh WALL-E. He was the epitome of loneliness...on a apocalyptic Earth wasteland, all alone, doing menial tasks for what appeared to be no money and what looked like served absolutely no purpose; plus his only friend was a cockroach. You can't get any lower than that. Yet he loved collecting Earth's trinkets and watching really old musicals, since this movie was set in the far future, and the musical they were watching was like from the 1950s, it was really really old. I'm glad he found love. He's a cartoon drawing, but everyone that wants to find "the one" should have them! People who find that early on in life, meaning their 20s, are the luckiest people on Earth, and they probably don't even know it. For those of us who continue to be single while their same age friends are celebrating 10 year anniversaries, you know what I mean. It seems to me that finding the one is like finding a needle in a haystack. It's nearly impossible. I haven't done the studies on the numbers, but even though I feel alone in my singleness, I'm pretty sure there are far more single people than couples. You are very lucky to find the one for you, that perfect match. It's really not as easy as "joining E-harmony" like they say it is. I like to think that everyone that wants to find the one, will. If you don't want it, well then get out of the way and stop dating our guys and girls, because you are just wasting their time, and mine/ours. Everyone says "oh I met my girlfriend or boyfriend when I stopped looking." That's a load of crap, because you didn't meet them in your sweatpants at Target on a Saturday night. That's where I am "not looking". You "think" you were not looking, but you were. You're brain was tuned in to who was around and who looked interesting and who wanted to talk to you too. You're always "looking," even when you think you're not looking.
So, I'm a human, and not a robot, and that's a good thing. Life is what it is. I can't make anybody fall in love with me and want to spend everyday with me and live with me and build a life and raise a child with me. I could get a robot to do those things, but it wouldn't be because they loved me. It would be because they are programmed to do those things, and no one wants that. Mollie doesn't love me because she has to, and she definitely doesn't show it all the time. But at night she climbs up on my chest to sleep or right up next to me, where a spouse would lay...our backs together, or my arm around her small body. And she licks my nose. I don't have food on it, she just loves me and wants to put her "ownership" on me, and care for me as if I was her very own, which I am. Thank God for giving us animals, like dogs and cats. He could have said, "well you're not getting a partner in love, so suck it and get used to being alone", but instead he said, "well for now here's a dog, or a cat. They will love you until I send you the human companion you so long for." At least that's what I hope he is saying. I texted this question to my church, as they are taking "Questions for God" for sermons. Of course THEY aren't God, so I'm not sure how they are going to answer them...I think it's a ploy to get us to church. But I'm interested to see if they will even address mine. My question for God is this: "Why does God have a mate for some people and not others? Why are some people alone forever and never find anyone to marry them and love them 'till death do you part?' And I'm not talking about the people that choose to be alone. But the ones that want this more than anything, but still never find 'the one.'" It may never have an answer. It's just the way things are. 10 years ago I thought by now I would already be married...to a guy, have 3 kids, a house and a dog, and now I currently have a cat and am looking for a wife and only want one child! I guess the house thing still remains. Who knows what my life will look like 10 years from now? Hopefully I will have everything I want by then. Hopefully being the key word. Or maybe a robot will be invented by then that will mimic love, and I can buy it. I kid I kid... ;o)
