If she believes, then I believe.

I feel like shower time is when I do my best thinking. It's my reflection time. It's when I look back, ponder life and take stock of all the progress I've made. I love it. Not only are you getting clean in a literal sense, but it's almost like your mind, your psyche is getting a scrub down. By walking down memory lane, you are also recognizing what is truly important in life and it allows you to see how far you've come. It also helps you let go of things, wash them down the drain (if you will). All those things take place in a shower. It's like a counseling session, but with yourself. It's both free and you don't have to wear clothes to it, so, added bonus. It's weird how one little thing makes you think of something else, which takes you down this one path and before you know it you're unraveling the mysteries of your soul... or something like that. I was reading some human story piece on someone's life and some major life struggle they had and it made me think of the end of 2005. I was living in Colorado and I had gone to this little weekend retreat with this church and it was out in the woods. The coolest part of the story (unrelated to what I'm talking about here), is that we went to bed with a dry ground and woke up the next morning to a literal Narnia picture. I'm serious. This Texas girl had never seen so much snow in her life. And in the woods like that, it was definitely Narnia-esque. It was one of the coolest moments of my life. But during that retreat we were talking about laying whatever constant struggle we had at the foot of the cross. I don't entirely remember what we did with the little pieces of paper where we wrote that down and maybe that wasn't entirely the lesson, but it was 10 years ago so I'm a little foggy on the details. All I remember is at the age of 24, 3 years past when all my college friends had gotten married and I was already feeling like some old spinster (I know! At twenty-freaking-four!) I wrote down "singleness." It's always been my biggest struggle. Always. I love being in love, it may have only been 2 times and it may not have ended in the best most amicable of ways, but I love it. I hate singleness. I've learned to live with it AND I've learned to choose happiness and I've found many many great things about it, but yeah I still hate it. Whether or not you want to argue that being in a relationship is way harder than being alone, I'm not interested in the debate. They're both hard and let's just agree to disagree. Some people are made to be alone and deep down they know that and maybe that's why they pick people not right for them or have one-night stands, I don't know, I'm not their therapist. But that day in 2005 I felt with certainty that my "cross to bear" (piggy backing on the lesson) was Singleness. With a capital S. I felt like I knew even at 24, that it would be a life long struggle. Even if I didn't really take the time to delve into what that looked like or truly accepted it at the time; I just felt it and probably ignored it and burned that paper and moved on with my life, which involved dating a guy less than a year later. But anyways. I was thinking back on that moment and how it still kind of "haunts" me today. It has kind of lead my life, in a way. It's like the Scarlet letter. It's defining me. Christie, the single girl. It's my title and I don't want it. But I don't think most people want their "cross they bear." They don't want those weight problems, financial problems, job problems, relationship problems, health problems. They don't want it, but it follows them their whole life. I'm sure things get better for a lot of people, maybe temporarily or maybe not, but I think it's still there. It's never fully gone. I thought about how, while I know my friends want me to be happy and "hope" that I meet someone someday; my best friend is the only one (who also coincidentally came from 2005) that truly BELIEVES that I will meet someone, fall in love and have that life I've always dreamed of, which is simply just being loved by another human being in that way. I thought about how if one day she came to me and said "well, you have a great life so even if it doesn't happen, you always have us and we love you and you'll continue to enjoy your life and have fun," I would literally plummet into the darkest pit and never come out. Wait a second. You're thinking, did I misread the wonderfully beautiful sentiment I pretended she said? No. No you didn't. It's just, if she stopped believing that there was someone out there for me, then I would most definitely not be able to believe. I already pretty much don't; but her belief bumps me up to about a 2% chance and that is way better than 0. All belief needs is a sliver, a 1% chance. It doesn't need much. It just needs one bar to connect that call. I love a lot of things about my best friend, but her faith FOR me, takes the cake. Just the thought of her "giving up" on that life for me one day, made me burst into tears in the shower and I couldn't stop for some time. It's a good thing the water could wash it all away. It would be like telling a 3 year old that Santa doesn't exist. They haven't even figured it out on their own yet, they're still young and innocent. It would crush their little hearts. I need her to believe for me. Because I can't. I can't by myself. She keeps saying she "knows" there's got to be someone out there. Even if it's not literally possible for her to know, I take that the same way as (again a young child) would believe their mom and dad when they tell them that Santa does exist. The proof is in the half-eaten cookies. There is NO way mom and dad could've eaten them. That doesn't even make sense. The child believes because their parents believe. I may not be as gullible as a child, due to life experience, but I believe that my BFF truly believes that I will find my love, it just hasn't happened... yet. I am so happy that I met her and that she stuck around in my life. Not just stuck around, but grew and developed a friendship through life changes that in most cases would have caused the friendship to dwindle or cease to exist. That's a powerful friendship, and she's a powerful friend. So maybe she does know something I don't know ;o)  

Girl night out

So I’m staying the night in a really cool and hip hotel downtown…or downtown adjacent. You can see the entire skyline from the rooftop pool. It’s a late birthday “getaway.” It’s only about 20 minutes from my house, but it was by far the coolest hotel I could find in the city. There’s a pool table and a piano in the lobby both painted in a colorful way. The room has dark cement floors that look a little messed up on purpose. There’s really high cement ceilings lined with big ‘ol pipes, like you’re in some kind of factory. I’m sitting in a purple armchair with a matching footstool, and it’s velvety soft. Behind me is a brick wall, made to look like it was sloppily thrown together. You know hipsters, they don’t want to look like their “trying.” I love it. My bed is on some kind of light colored wooden posts.  Unique lamps hang in corners and creative art on walls. I feel cool just staying here. Plus I discovered it was across the street from my favorite local coffee shop. So I got to head over for a lemon bar and to listen to some random guy with a very large bowtie and the beginnings of handlebar mustache, play acoustic guitar. I relaxed in the rooftop pool when I first got here this afternoon. It wasn’t too too crowded, I got a little space to myself in the quite small pool. But it was one of those infinity pools, looks like it just drops off the 6^th floor building. When the sun was setting and before I headed over to hear some live music, I wanted to stop by real quick and see the sun set from on top. I walk out of the elevators to see a very packed, very dressed up (of course this means to me, just people wearing normal outfits people go out in for drinks) crowd in the bar and pool area. I quickly turned around as the sun was blinding me and I was in faded shorts and my Daenerys wearing hipster glasses T-shirt that says “Babies are too mainstream. I will mother dragons instead.” It’s my favorite shirt. I literally have worn it 10 times having had it a month now. (If you don’t know who that is, she’s the best character ever portrayed on a TV show…and that show would be Game of Thrones.

So tonight I wanted to go back out briefly to see the skyline all lit up in the night sky, knowing it would be even more packed than it was when I was there earlier, just before 8pm. I walk out, in a different T-shirt, but still my faded purple shorts I brought, because I didn’t want to pack real clothes, and this time there were definitely more people, but I noticed right away there were lots of lesbians. Some dressed up, some more casual, I still was probably the most casual, but it’s not like I knew there was some kind of lesbian hangout going on a top of the hotel I was staying in. Of course it’s a bar too…and open to the public. I walked around the outskirts so I could be on the side up against the railing to get some pics. I looked like a tourist, the only one taking pictures, but whatever, it was my only chance to get night pictures with all the city lights. I felt very unsure and very out of place. At first I reprimanded myself for acting that way. I tried to walk with more confidence. But it’s the setting I’m not comfortable with. It’s the amount of people. It’s the fact that I was alone. If I was with a group of friends or a date it would be easy as pie. I was the only person that was there alone, from what I could tell. I only felt bad about it for a second. Then I was like, ya know what? I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. The old Christie was insecure and didn’t have confidence in who she was; didn’t know how to look at girls or how to present herself. It was all so new to me back then. But now, I may not be a pro, not even a little bit, but I di know who I am. I’m ok staring a little and checking out girls. Hey guys do it. I’m not creepy, but I’m not going to look at the ground or be scared by the whole situation, like I have in the past. But I’m also not going to feel bad that I really hate being in groups like that. Groups set in bars or clubs, where everyone’s drinking and it’s loud or there’s loud music. It wasn’t really loud at this particular setting, maybe because it was outside, up high. I’m not gonna apologize or beat myself up because I don’t like being in groups like that, all alone. That’s not me. It’s never going to be me. Had someone talked to me, sure I would talk back and try to find commonalities and have a normal conversation. But being alone in a place where everyone was with someone to begin with, even just friends, it’s not like I can just interrupt a conversation between 2 people possible connecting. I’m ok that I’m not that person that can just do that. I used to think I needed to change. But I am who I am and I like being shy. I’m not 100% shy. You did read my cuddle party blog from last Saturday night, did you not? I didn’t know a soul AND I participated. I participated big time. I do better in small groups or one on one, which is the best situation. And I’m ok with that. I’m ok that that is me, and not some girl that can break into a group of drinking people and strike up a conversation. For the first time I don’t feel like I need to change in order to feel like I’m “trying.” And that’s a big deal. Go me. I’m cool. I’m staying in a cool hotel by myself because I can. And only cool people are not afraid to do things alone, ANY THING, and not feel like they need to always have a buddy. I’m proud of myself for going up there knowing it would be packed with people. I’m glad I’m not afraid to be who I am and not feel like I need to be “braver,” in a certain way. Because I am hella brave. I am brave heart. Haha. Ok not braveheart. But I am brave. I do brave things all the time. Now it’s your turn. Go be brave.