I feel like I’m just “getting
through life”, I’m just trying to get through it with minimal scarring,
scraping by, sweeping up the pieces of love that fall off people as they
casually walk through my life. And those very very few (ok one)person who is
present the most regularly, albeit via
text or voice recording or something as lame as that, well I hoard that up,
like a foster child who is afraid if they don’t save their food for later, they
might regret it because it could all end at any moment. The food could stop. But
the food isn’t necessarily enjoyable for them, it’s just there, it’s what they
have. They have to keep it. It’s better than nothing, and what if they never
get anything else ever again? I’m so fucking lonely. I am. I’m extremely
lonely. Even if I say that I’m fine and I love all this time to write and I enjoy
all my free time and doing what I love the most, I’m not doing what I love the
most. Because what I love the most is spending time with that one person you
have chosen to spend all your time with and who chooses to spend theirs with
you. What I love doing the most is kissing. It’s being held, it’s holding
hands, it’s all of that stuff. That’s what I love to do the most. And when you
can’t do what you love the most for as long as it’s been for me, it just makes
everything else in life seem pointless and miserable and stupid and boring. Everything
in life is pointless if you don’t have anyone to share it with. It really is. No
one can argue that, so don’t even try. Sure, you can be happy being alone and
get a lot of good work done on yourself and have a wonderfully fun time and it
be productive and everything, but the sabbatical has to end sometime. You can’t
live like that forever. At least not healthily. You can’t. Some people need to
be alone for a while, they need to think things through and figure out what
they really want and it’s really good for them, but it can’t go on and on and
on without an ending point. At some point you have to fall in love with someone
and “settle down.” If you don’t, I just don’t know who you become. Oh yes I do.
You become Ebenezer scrooge in The Christmas Carol. Ratchedy and cranky, due to
not getting any, I suppose. You become Debbie downer from SNL- constantly
talking about all the horrible things going on in the world, so much so, that
no one wants to be around you. Thankfully I’m not either one of those people…yet.
But I’m either on my way, or I’ll see an early grave, according to some article
I found on Facebook, that I’m not completely sure has any medical or scientific
fact to it. According to it, I am knocking off a decade of my life because I’m
single for “long periods of time”. It doesn’t say what this length has to be,
to them, to qualify knocking off a decade of your life, but I’m guessing they’re
thinking maybe 5 years or so, so 8 is probably closer to 20 years off my life. And
apparently I might as well be smoking a pack a day, because not having a lot of
friends “weak social connections,” is as bad for my health as smoking a pack a
day or whatever 15 cigarettes is equal too. And why 15, why not 12, or 18? Well,
on the “list of 10 things that shorten your life” I have 7 of them, so that’s
not really that great now is it. Oh well. I literally do not know how to do any
more than I have. I can’t make people like me. I can’t make people stick
around. I am who I am.
But I’m sad, I’m not gonna lie. I
don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I guess we’ll see. If God
takes me, he takes me, none of us have control over that anyway (for the most
part). I think if I had a lot of friends, it wouldn’t be so hard being single still.
I would be out having fun with them all the time, who cares if I had someone to
hold me at night? I’d have someone to laugh with and cry with. And by “friends”
I mean friends like on the show Friends,
or on the show Happy Endings, which
is “Friends” for my age bracket and which should NOT have gotten cancelled! Don’t
get me started on that. Friends who are family. You see every possible moment, and who are maybe too involved in your life, but ultimately because they care so much for you, and you for them. But anyways, I will continue to live like I have. I’m
not changing anything. I’m not going to go try speed dating (if that’s even a
thing for lesbians). I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do, just for
the sake of “maybe I’ll meet somebody.” Because my theory is, well why didn’t
it work the last 100 times I tried it?? Why didn’t any new friend I thought I
made, continued past a few hangouts? Especially since I was nothing but fun the
whole time. I don’t talk like I do in my blog, in real life. No one wants to
hear that. I know that, I’m not stupid. This is for me to vent and voice my
thoughts, get them out before they swallow me whole. And sending them out into
the void, helps me feel a little better. But I’m a fun, caring, really good
listener person. I like to be funny and make jokes and be silly, make people
laugh. I’m hardly serious unless they are indicating they want that. I mean
clearly I would be serious if the moment warranted it, or the relationship. I’m
not Chandler from Friends. I don’t cover stuff up through humor. I’m more of a
Phoebe. She’s quirky and fun. She also is very passionate about things that
mean a lot to her, which I love. And she’s a really great friend, she cares
about each one of her friends deeply and would do anything for them. One of my favorite
moment of hers was when she broke down at her birthday dinner at the restaurant-
“pick up the sock!! Pick up the sock!!” All she wanted was to spend time with
all her friends at a nice restaurant for a dinner, on her birthday, and instead
she got friends that were late arriving, couples fighting with each other and a
new mom overly worrying about her baby. I love it when she snapped. Dang it I would
too. It was made even more perfect when they finally apologized and said “I’m
sorry sweetie, you’re right, we are here for you and you have our full
attention.” And then she gets a text from her boyfriend played by Paul Rudd,
that he got off work early and she’s like “see ya” and runs off. I would love
to be able to do that one day. Be like no I’m sorry I can’t hang out with you,
I’ve got a date. That would be so nice. Instead I hunker down and refuse to
text any more friends to hang out, until they reach out to me first and ask me,
and then I’m sure I’ll jump at any chance to hang out with them. My game of
chicken isn’t going too well though. I think I’ve already driven off the cliff
and died in a fiery crash. Oh well. I guess Friends
kinda ruined me for how I thought friendships would be like. And that you could
fall in love with your best friend and get married and adopt twins together. Sounds
much better than the baby coming first and then being together. Would Ross and
Rachel still be together now? Maybe. Maybe for the sake of Emma. Maybe Ross
stopped messing things up and grew up…I know what you’re thinking…but they were
on a break!! Oh good God, ain’t TV amazing?! Thank God for it. Where else would
I get unrealistic views on friendships and relationships?? I kid I kid. I know
it’s not real. Lord don’t I know it. A little too well. Well it could be worse.
My life could be like the show “orange is the new black.” Maybe I’d finally
have a girlfriend…but I also could get shanked in the back at any time, and
nobody wants that.