I think if I'm being honest with myself, deep down I've known for quite some time that I'm always going to alone. For years it's felt like my cross to bear. For years I've tried to ignore it and say, no of course not, I'm NOT gonna be alone forever, it's just for now. But I feel that I am, deep down; it's just I've not wanted to accept it yet. During the months I've gone without really connecting with anyone or even trying to, not going out, not trying to meet new people, not even seeing my current friends (which isn't for lack of trying, they just have their own busy lives and I'm not a part of it in a real way anymore, just in a once every 3,4,6 months kind of way); during those months I have accepted a forever single status. That's mostly why I don't see the point in trying. If I am going to be alone for the rest of my life then it's a complete waste of time trying to meet new people, going to horribly boring meetup groups and meeting someone for dinner from ok cupid. There's no point in that, because it's not going to lead to anything. I am willing to go to things that I REALLY want to go to. Like one time a friend had her meet up group meet at her house to hear her friend play the guitar for us and it was awesome, the best night I've had with people I didn't know. And tonight I'm going to a coffee shop to hear a girl sing, and it's a part of a meetup group as well. I guess usually if it involves music, then I'll go, but these seem extremely rare. I only go because there's gonna be live music. I LOVE small, intimate concerts. I love acoustic guitar. My dream girl would be able to sing and play the guitar or the piano even.
Even if deep down I know I'm going to continue being alone for the rest of my life, it doesn't mean I don't want somebody. I do. I want it more than anything. I want it more than I want to win the lottery, and I want that ALOT. I want it more than I want children. As much as I want to be a Mom, I want this more. I would give that up, just to have someone in my life. Ideally, whoever I end up with, would most likely want kids too, but that's how badly I want someone, that I would be willing to give up what I want 2nd most in life, for what I want 1st. They used to be equal, but the older I get the more I want the 1st, not the 2nd one as much. I think being a Mom is extremely hard, but so is being a wife. No matter how hard it will be, I still want it and would work my butt off to be a good wife.
Just because you're not willing to accept something, doesn't make it not true. You can accept it and move on and have a good life (which I do most of the time), or you can not accept it and go out and do things you don't want to do or go places you don't want to go, just in the hopes that you might connect with someone and that it leads to a real relationship. Sometimes when I'm out somewhere and every where I look there's couples, I think how does everyone have somebody, but me? How did they meet? What lead to them being in a relationship? I have no idea. I feel like it involved alcohol, though. It seems like most of the meetup events involve one of 2 things- alcohol, or old people. I don't mean to sound mean about that, but it's the truth. I'm not interested in either one. I do have some interesting stories to tell, based on the many groups and events and such I've been to, so at least there's that. Then there's the single people you see and it's clear as to why they are still single. Usually, I can see that it comes down to a social breakdown of some kind. An inability to have a normal conversation or know how to talk to people. I may be shy but I know how to talk to people. I'm no more awkward than the next person. I am highly aware of how to act in social situations. So when I see that single person talking to themselves or talking about something so random and not reading that the other person could care less and doesn't want to be there, or there's just something off about them in the way they talk to other people or their body language, I do feel bad for them, but I can see why they might be single. But maybe they aren't! Maybe they found someone equally as weird as them, and if so, good for them! That's awesome. So then, why can't someone like me connect with anybody? Am I really that bad to look at? I don't think I'm boring. I know boring. I don't want to talk about the weather or even my job to a degree. I'm not saying I'm the life of the party, the funniest person around, but I know I make my friends laugh. It could just be that even though I don't think there's only one person out there for everyone, maybe in my case there is and I just haven't crossed paths with them yet. I would rather at least have a girlfriend for awhile than not at all. Not to say I would date just anyway for the sake of dating. The thing is, there's not even just one person for everybody, because if there was then everybody would have a love, even if that love died before you did. I refuse to believe that the 2 guys I dated were my only loves; because they found their true loves! They are married to them! They have kids with them! So they were not my true love and I'm still owed at least one. But people die all the time without finding love. I think that's cruel and I don't know how I feel about a God who allows such a thing. There's always going to be people who would rather be alone than be tied down to someone. There's always going to be circumstances as to why a certain person never found anybody, or more likely they drove that person away. Unfortunately addiction and mental illness can be too much for even a true love to handle. It makes me sad and I do hope those people find help AND have the support of a friend, at the very least. But I don't have any major issues that would make having a relationship a challenge. I'm sure I'd have the same problems as any couple has, in every day life. But if I found someone that loved me and chose to spend their time with me, most of their time with me... man, they wouldn't know what hit them (in a good way). They would find a single rose on their windshield or a hand written card on their doorstep. I would show them how much I loved them every single day, even in the smallest of ways. Even just a text or a phone call to let them know I was thinking about them. Of course I'm not crazy, this would only be once we've solidified that we are in an actual relationship. I'm not an overbearing stalker. I just love showing people I care and love them. But for now I'll just keep writing my 2 stories. Living vicariously through my own words. One, a story of a past I never had, and 2, a story on a future I'll never have. It's ok. We can't always get what we want. And as far as what we "need;" I think what we truly need is: water, air, clothing, food and shelter. Everything else is just extra. Everything else is just a wonderful bonus; a treat after you've eaten your veggies, a gift and it's not even your birthday or Christmas. I hope people recognize all these "gifts" in their lives, because some of us are living on bare necessities.
