will to live

I was thinking the other day, about this "will to live." What keeps us going on? And even though we sometimes do have this great power to control whether we live or die...do we really? And do you want that power? I'm not obsessed with death, like some people. Thank God. Even though there are moments that feel like an eternity of loneliness, and it feels like the easy answer, the escape mode, would be to check out; it's more of a "wish in a moment", and since none of my wishes ever come true, I think I'm safe.
I think (and I could be wrong, but who can say really, since we aren't creators of ourselves) that when it's all said and done, our "will to live" has nothing to do with our control over living and dying. I think there's something deeper down in the depths of our soul that decides this for us. I say this for a few examples. Take a premature baby, in fact take 2. Both born at 23 weeks (extremely early). Both could have the same issues, brain bleeds, lungs aren't' developed, difficulty breathing, jaundice, heart problems, feeding problems, you name it. One baby survives and the other doesn't. Is it because one newborn baby decided it would live and the other one gave up? No I don't think so. We can say "he's a fighter" and I'm sure that he is, but when it comes down to it, it had nothing to do with the baby's ability to control it's life. There was something deep down, in the depths of their soul that pushed them to live. I don't think they were aware of it at all. They don't have to capacity to think yet at this point anyway.
When you're an adult you can choose, (I'm not gonna judge anyone for "giving up the fight" or what have you. I don't know their story, I don't know what it's like to live inside their head. If I was seeing aliens everyday in front of my face and no amount of medicine was taking those visual realities away from them, I wouldn't want to live like that either). But I was really thinking about myself here. I feel like yes I can "choose" in a literal sense, but when I think about no matter how dark and deep I go down into a place where I want it all to be over, it's not over. Something keeps me alive. There is something deeper down, in that soul I was talking about. I feel like something that's not me, fights for me. It's a part of me, but it's not a part that I can control or was really aware of. No matter how hard I wish for it sometimes or more times than I wish to count, I am still here. I haven't keeled over from lack of physical touch or emotional connection with another person in an intimate relationship. Some how I made it another day, another month, another year of "not getting my needs met." I put that in quotations because in reality food, water, air, shelter is all you really needs. I guess clothes too, but I beg to differ as I don't wear them ever in my home. Or on the rarest occasions. Not that I wouldn't wear them if I had to, but I live alone with a cat, so I can do what I want.
We do know for a fact that babies in those first 3 years of life need a heck of a lot more than food air water shelter and clothes. They need human touch, love, and lots of it, or they do not develop into any form of a healthy human being. Also they need to be played with and talked to and taught, or they again will not develop into any form of a healthy adult. We've seen this played out in orphanages in Romania, or extreme child abuse cases or ferel children left to fend for themselves. But I'm talking about adults here. Obviously addictions are formed, unhealthy relationships are made, all due to things we "think we need to live, ie our needs." I'm not gonna debate peoples genetic dispositions to addiction or diseases that they have. I don't know anything about that, not personally I mean. And I'm not gonna pretend I'm some kind of angel person because I live this life of celibacy like a nun. Please. I definitely want all that stuff. I wouldn't pass it up if the right person came along, I'm just not interested in trying on a bunch of  the wrong ones. I am very self aware and I am very tuned in to how a person is reacting to me when I meet them, as well as what feeling I'm getting about them when we meet. I would definitely be someone's friend first before I moved on to dating them. I also would go into dating right off, if it felt right. But I know pretty dang quickly in meeting someone for the first time, if there's even friendship potential there. I read them. Are they comfortable with me? Are they friendly and open, but not in a "tell me your wife died in her sleep" in the first 3 seconds of meeting. That's real deep and can certainly come soon in the convo, but not 3 seconds in. I used that example because that happened to me, in a first online message from a person. It was weird, I knew nothing about them yet. But anyway moving on. Are they not superficial? Are they looking at me and not other people? They could look down too. I totally do that. Eye contact can be hard initially, that's totally cool. I just don't' want that person to be looking around like they don't really want to be there with me. I like to have that real one on one conversation with someone, and if we've got some shared interests and I can tell that I didn't scare them away with my looks, haha just kidding, then a second meeting is possible. Connection and chemistry can happen in a first meeting, but I know it also can come later. But there has to be a reason to meet again. Things like: this person is funny or seems cool, interesting, real easy going, laid back, we have a ton in common, and probably most important- cares!  Many of these if not all need to be there to move forward as even just friends. At least more than acquaintance friends, and definitely more than Facebook friends. That's a given.
And per usual, I have veered off into an entirely different topic than my original one, but I will claim that it all went together some how. It's all one thought.
Because I don't know what's going to happen 5 years from now, or tomorrow, I am glad that something deep down in my soul has willed itself to live. To carry on. Just because the past... too many birthdays to count (plus the one coming up in 10 days),  I have had no "birthday sex", (wait I've never had that). I mean, no physical love and attention..the way that I want to be loved on that day (obviously you want to be loved everyday, but it should be extra special on your birthday...take heed husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends), it doesn't mean that next years birthday I won't finally have someone to share the special day with! It's what I wish for every year when I blow out my candles... if I have candles to blow out, that's not always a given every year. Maybe my wish will come true this year. For once. A girl can dream... and without dreams you are basically dead... which leads me to end with a song. I LOVE this song by Ingrid Michelson. I play it loudly in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. It references a "you and me" and "we" and honestly that doesn't bother me, because I just pretend that they are both me. A "me, myself and I" kinda situation. Or better yet- "me and my soul." Yeah. I like that. Carry on. Read away. Go listen to it online, as the melody always makes words better.

Afterlife by Ingrid Michelson

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever
If we want to we can live
Inside of a moment
The one that we own

You and me
We got this
You and me
We're beautiful
Beautiful

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife

Living like you're dying
Isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands
Put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone
Who thinks they'll never make it through
This life
To live a brand new start

You and me
We got this
You and me
We're beautiful
Beautiful

We are
We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got
We always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife

'Cause we are the afterlife
'Cause we are the afterlife

Every time I close my eyes
I hear your favorite song
Telling me not run
Not to worry anymore
I can't hold on tight
To nothing better than the rest
So it's now
Or never more

We are
We are
We are going to be alright
We got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we are the afterlife