I awoke from a dream. I had moved to California or I was
there visiting, I wasn’t sure which. I was at some kind of rally or speech or
event that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were speaking at, and when it was over, the people I had come with, all piled in the car to
leave and there was no room for me so I said that I would walk. I didn’t know
where I was going, I wandered the streets, tons of people all around but I
never asked any one of them for directions. Then I came across Fred Armisen and
Carrie Brownstein (the masterminds behind the show Portlandia) and they were sitting in an old timey car. It had no
roof. And they were talking to the driver about where they wanted to go. I went
up to ask for directions. I think this was when I woke up. But I always like to
carry on the dream further. Take it to where I wanted it to go. I played it
cool but I knew who they were. I said I was new to the area and lost. She
told me I looked familiar. I shrugged it off, because how would she know me?
Except I had written that book. The one I’ve written about the teen girls who
fall in love. In reality I hadn’t even decided yet on a title for the book, but in
this case, it was called “There’s something about girls.” She asked what I was
doing in L.A. and I said I was visiting because there were talks about making
my book into a movie. And that’s when it hit Carrie, “I know you! I remember
your picture from the back of your book! You wrote ‘There’s something about
girls!!’” I nodded and smiled sheepishly. I hadn’t been recognized by anyone
yet and the first person to recognize me was a famous person?? That was insane.
“I love your book! Fred! This is the author of that book I was telling you
about!” She said as she turned to Fred and slapped him playfully on the
shoulder to make sure he was paying attention. He smiled and nodded and offered
his hand. “Nice to meet you” he said. I returned the gesture. “I’m Carrie,” she
said as she offered her hand too. I chuckled. “I know who y’all are. I love Portlandia. I’ve watched it since the
very beginning. And I just loved you as Syd on Transparent” I grinned, blushing. “Thank you Christie, that means a
lot. I love playing her,” she added. I
continued, “That show is one of my favorites. It’s written SO well. I just love
everything about it. I love the rawness and the honesty. That’s how I write.”
“Well yeah you do!” Carrie interrupted. “Your book is written from such an
honest place. I love how it goes into your teenage mind and describes every
feeling, every experience. It’s SO detailed. Didn’t I tell you that, Fred?”
Carrie said turning to Fred again, pushing on him again. Fred just nodded and
smiled. I could tell that he liked to watch the transition that was going between
us, and he didn’t seem to be bothered by being left out of the conversation. I
thought I noticed a tiny smile creep up on the side of his face. Like he knew
something. Like he was watching magic happen. Like he was happy to be
witnessing our “meet cute.” I looked at him questioningly for a split second
and then back to Carrie. She was staring at me smiling and no one said
anything. “Get in get in” she suddenly said, quickly and excitedly, as she
scooted towards Fred in the backseat while the driver sat in the front. I came
over to the side by Carrie as she pushed open the door for me, leaning far to
make sure it was open all the way, which for some reason felt very
“courtship-like” to me, and I blushed even more. I climbed in. It was a tight
fit. Carrie and Fred were used to spending a lot of time together, so them
squishing together was no big deal, but for me and Carrie… when my leg pushed up
against hers, I swear I felt electricity. I even jumped a little bit. “Where
to?” the driver asked. Fred and Carrie both looked at me and I suddenly forgot
the name of the hotel I was staying in. “Umm…” I said staring blankly. Luckily
Fred didn’t let me “umm” for too long, and said some name of some street I had
never heard of. Carrie turned and grinned at Fred. She clearly knew where they
were going. “We’re going to take you somewhere every tourist has to go to.” I
blurted out, “I hope it’s not the Hollywood Walk of Fame, because I was already
taken there against my will, and it was so crowded, I about suffocated.” They
both chuckled at me. “No, you don’t have to worry about THAT where we are
going,” Fred said. It was quiet for a second and then Carrie spoke up, she
looked a little nervous at what she was about to say. I didn’t know why. Why
would she be nervous to talk to me? It should be the other way around. “Umm..”
she started. “Can I ask you something?” “Sure,” I answered back slowly. “So I
read in an article that when you wrote the book, even though the main girl is
you, it’s a fictional story about your life and in fact you hadn’t even been with
a woman or even kissed one, at that point.” She stopped and looked at me. I
glanced around at Fred who was texting on his phone but still smiling.
“Umm…yeah, that’s true” I replied back. I could tell what Carrie wanted to ask
me but she was scared to. “You can ask me what you’re going to ask me.” I said
slyly, a smile creeping up on my face. “So, my question is…has that changed at
all?” she looked at me hopeful. But I wasn’t sure which side she was hopeful
for. That I had kissed a girl and liked it or that I hadn’t and had been
waiting for the right girl? For her. I stared at her trying to read her face,
not responding yet. She got self-conscious and suddenly withdrew her statement.
“If that’s too personal, you don’t have to answer. I’m sorry. That was way too invading.”
She said as she shook her head and pretended to erase what she had just asked
with her hands. “No. No it’s not that,” I said quickly. “You’ve read my book.
I’m not afraid to be too personal. The way I wrote Christie, that was me, my
personality, my shy awkward ways. That’s all me. That wasn’t my exact family and I
didn’t grow up in Pennsylvania and of course there’s the fact that I didn’t
know that I was gay at age 15. Although I wish I had…” I drifted off. “I’ll be
honest with you, even if it isn’t what you want to hear.” She nodded back. Even
Fred stopped texting to look up. “Umm, well no actually. I still haven’t…” I
said quietly, drifting off. “Not because I don’t want to,” I added quickly and
loudly. “Once the book came out, like with anyone who has had a taste of ‘being
famous’ or whatever,” I said with air quotes. “Not that I really was or am, I
just mean my book got some coverage. I got to be on Ellen, which was one of the highlights, like very very high up
there on the list of my life. But yeah people came out of the woodworks and
yeah suddenly I was visible…to women…and even some men, who thought they could
switch me.” All 3 of us laughed. “For years before the book I had tried to meet
women, I tried to connect with someone, but it just was never there. And then
suddenly women wanted me for the first time in my life. I wasn’t the invisible
girl I always was…but it never felt right with any of them. I felt like they
only wanted to talk to me so they could talk to someone who was ‘famous’ or
something. They wanted to be ‘my first,’ and I didn’t like the feeling I got
from that. I wanted it to be the right person. And special…” I drifted off again
and looked up for the first time, realizing I hadn’t been looking at either one
of them as I spoke. Fred was still smiling and looking as happy as ever. And
Carrie looked hopeful, but I still asked shyly, “Is that what you wanted to
hear?” Carrie didn’t answer so Fred did for her, “Yes!” he said emphatically,
as he gestured with his hands in a very Fred-like way. Carrie playfully nudged
him with her arm and gave him a look like don’t embarrass me. Suddenly I looked
out and saw where we were. We pulled into a parking lot at the base of a large
hill, or mountain, not sure which. “Wait. Are we where I think we are?” I asked
excitedly as I got out of the car. “Yep! The Hollywood sign” Carrie said as she
followed me out of the car. “Awesome!” I said excitedly. “How did you know I
wanted to see this?” Carrie answered back, “Well, I mean everyone does, but I
had a feeling you were the type that liked to be away from the crowds and I
knew you liked the outdoors and mountains, well the you in your book did, which I figured was the real you.” “Oh
totally,” I started to say as Fred went around to talk to the driver and Carrie
and I started to walk towards the entrance to the hill. “I lived in Colorado
for a couple of years,” I added. “Really?” Carrie asked, very much interested in
my life. “Yeah, and I actually considered moving to Portland at one point,” I said
chuckling. She laughed back. “Yeah we really surged their population,” she said
half-jokingly. “Well I was more considering Seattle or somewhere outside of the
city. I wanted to be by mountains and the ocean. Portland doesn’t really have
mountains.” “Well here you go,” Carrie said as she motioned out with her hands.
“Cali has mountains and the ocean.” “Yeah I don’t know if I could ever live in
L.A.” “Really? Why not?” “Well…” I started. But she finished it for me. “Is it ‘cause
it’s fake and materialistic and everyone looks like they either had plastic
surgery or will at some point?” She grinned and I chuckled back. “Yeah
something like that.” “Well Fred and I are only here to meet up with some
friends this week. You know I’m from Seattle, right?” She added. “Really?” I
asked. “I had no idea.” “Yep born and raised.” We were talking about how great
mountains were and comparing places we’ve lived, when Fred walked up. “I got
the blanket and the hot tea” he said as he held it up for me to see. “It’s not
THAT cold” I joked. “Oh just wait till we get to the top and the sun has gone
down. You’ll be wanting it then,” he added. As we walked up the hill, the 3 of
us gabbed on about life and movies and music. “Sorry I haven’t heard your band,
Carrie” I said apologetically. “No no no, don’t worry about it. I like it
better when I meet someone who doesn’t know everything about me. It keeps the
mystery alive. Plus I don’t need a groupie.” “You wish you had a groupie” Fred
joked with her. “You guys are really best friends aren’t you?” I said admiring
them and a little jealous. “Yep,” Fred replied quickly. “Well…” Carrie started
playfully. “I didn’t tell you this, but I’ve been cheating on you with this
other guy Mike…” “Mike? Mike who? Little Mikey from the cereal box?” he teased
back. They joked back and forth for another minute or 2 while I laughed and
watched them. “Wow.” I said as I stopped. “Look at that sunset.” They stopped
as well and we all admired the sunset over the city of Los Angeles. “The city
of angels…” Fred said in fake awe, as if he was adding something big and
meaningful in the moment. “You’re such a dork,” Carrie added as she walked
away, motioning with her hand for me to join her. I cracked up at them and
followed her, while Fred just stared at the sunset, oblivious to Carrie’s statement.
I could tell they had a great relationship. We sat down for a break, our feet
dangling over the edge. Not a complete drop, just where there was a rock to sit
on and the side of a hill to tumble down...but hopefully not. “Hey I wanted to
say something about what you said earlier in the car,” Carrie spoke up. My
heart started beating out of my chest. Why was it doing that? Was I expecting
her to say something good or bad? “I think it’s really cool of you to wait till
you meet the right person. Someone you truly connect with and who likes you for
you and not for what you could do for them. Like you’re some kind of link to
that world or something. The world of ‘famous people.’” She did the air quotes
as well. “Thanks” I said with a grin as I reverted back to my shy, quiet state
that I’m in a lot of the time. “But also, you should not be afraid to get out
there and to go for it, when it feels right with someone. Sometimes you just
gotta leap.” This time I was watching her speak the whole time. I didn’t take
my eyes off her. It felt so surreal. Her talking to me, this whole day in fact.
I’ve been having a lot of that over the past 6 months, but this felt different
than all that stuff with the book. I stared into her eyes and she stared back.
I think she liked me. Like really liked me. I was totally into her, but I
wasn’t going to make the first move. She looked down at my hand and took it in
hers. “Is this ok?” she asked. I nodded back emphatically. She brought it to
her mouth and gave it a quick peck. I lightly gasped, but not in a shocked way.
It was more of a shudder. It felt so right. All this felt right. We were both
silent as she held my hand in hers and we continued to stare at each other
until we heard Fred’s voice. “Hey girls can we keep it moving so we can get to
the top before it gets dark?” I leapt up and Carrie got up and brushed the dirt
from her pants. Then she stuck her hand out next to me. “Ready to get to the
top?” I smiled and nodded as I took the hand that she offered. We walked hand
in hand back to Fred as he “Awww-ed” at us like we were adorable puppies.
Carrie said deadpan “Shut up” as we kept walking. I looked over at her. I could
tell that was just her humor. I somehow knew that’s just who she was. “You guys
are so cute!” Fred continued to push it, as he called out from behind us.
Carrie used her free hand to give him the finger, which he got a nice look at,
walking behind us. I chuckled at them. I loved their playful banter and wanted
to be a part of whatever this was. They had years on me though. This was just
the beginning. Well at least I hoped it was the beginning of something. We made
it to the top quickly after that. It was blocked off from getting too close to
the letters. “We can’t go up to the letters?” I asked disappointed. “No, not
unless you’re filming a movie” Fred responded. “Poop” I said, disappointed.
Carrie laughed at my silly PG cussing. “But it looks neat, though” I added, as
I smiled at them both. “Thank you so much for bringing me here.” By this point
the sun was really down and it was getting chilly. I shivered and Fred threw
the blanket at Carrie as she caught it. “Here, let’s go sit down” she said as
she wrapped it around me and I felt her hands rub up and down the sides of my
arms. I shivered again, but not because I was cold, but because I felt
something stir inside. I looked up to see if I could see a star to wish on
tonight…but saw nothing. Too many city lights. So I made the wish in my
head…that tonight would be the night I would finally get kissed. We sat
down overlooking the city. It was getting darker and the lights were noticeable
on all the buildings in the city. It was a large blanket so we all 3 squished
together under it, Carrie in the middle of course. We passed the one cup of hot
tea in the thermos they brought, back and forth till it was gone. I glanced
over at Carrie, almost too scared to look at her, since she was so close to me
and ended up blurting out, “You’re so beautiful.” I quickly looked back out at
the light covered city below, wishing I hadn’t said that. It was silent for
probably 2 seconds, which felt like a full minute when Fred added, “Eh…I’ve
seen better.” I burst out laughing and looked over at them as Carrie shoved him
with her shoulder so hard that he fell out of the blanket we were wrapped in.
He got up and said something about seeing a man about a tree, which I assumed
meant he needed to pee…or he just wanted to give us some privacy. He was such a
sweet friend. Carrie looked at me and replied, “You’re beautiful too.” My
instinct was to shake my head no, which I started to do but decided to turn
that into a “Thanks, Carrie.” I looked into her eyes. There was still enough
light that I could see her face and her, mine. I hoped that her eyes saw my
eyes begging and pleading with her to make a move, because I was too scared to.
Her hand went to brush the hair out of my face and then she brought my face
into hers, guiding my chin with her hands and started to kiss me! My first
kiss! Her eyes were closed so I quickly followed suite. At first I let her do
all the work but then instinct and memory from far too many years ago to
mention, kicked in and I kissed her back. I kissed her good and hard. I even
snuck in a little tongue, once I got braved enough, which she thankfully
reciprocated. When we pulled apart, presumably to catch our breaths, we looked
into each other’s eyes. Like I was in some damn romance movie, I felt a single
tear roll down my cheek. I was hoping she didn’t see it, but she did. She
grinned at me and wiped it away from my face with her thumb. There was silence
and I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to thank her, but that sounded too
weird to say out loud, so I waited for her to speak up. “You’re really good at
kissing girls. You sure you’ve never done that before?” she teased. I broke out into a big
smile and shook my head. “Nope. You’re my first." “Good,” she
answered back, as she went in for more.
And that’s the story of what could’ve happened…if my dream
had been allowed to finish itself.
