This month has been all about writing, escaping through writing. I kind of feel like I blinked and August was over. I don't remember what I did besides go to work and write... oh I did see Guardians of the Galaxy at the beginning of the month with a friend... which I'm pretty sure was the only time I hung out with a friend this month. And then I did drive to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma last weekend to see my most favorite person in the world, and I don't say that lightly, and anyone that knows me at all will know that I am of course talking about Kristin Chenoweth. I was on the 5th row, and it was being filmed for a PBS special, and I was behind where the camera was, so it was basically like Kristin was looking at me throughout the whole show. At least that's what I tell myself. And I also tell myself that she was staying at my hotel, because there was a stretch limo outside of it when I got there, and this is a small-ish Oklahoma city outside of Tulsa, so I'm pretty sure it was for her. Never mind that her family lives there and it would make more sense that she stayed with them. But, you see, this is the kind of fantasy world I've been vacationing in. The good thing is that I don't really believe what I'm saying. I'm not delusional, I'm just imagining and creating a world in which my life is exactly how I've always dreamt it to be, and good things happen to me, good things called love and attention and being noticed and cared about and having all my intimacy needs met. This is the world I've been creating in my writing lately. Like I said, if I actually believed it to be true, that it would happen in all the ways and in all the details I've described it in, I would be worried for myself. But I live here in the actual world, in this dimension and not in the alternate universe I've created in story form which is now 36 pages long...and counting.
So Kristin sang this song at the concert I attended last weekend, that was written for her by Andrew Pippa, a composer who has written music for many musicals over the years, one in particular that Kristin won a Tony for, called "You're a good man, Charlie Brown." He wrote this song for her to sing, called "love somebody now." Kristin sang it in this concert, saying how she really "gets the song now." She's experienced the lyrics. I get it too, and I wanted to include them in this blog post, because, well it's MY blog and I can do whatever I want in it. But seriously, it's a wonderful song with so much feeling to it. I could see on her face that she felt every word she was singing, and I did too. I was so very happy in that moment that I splurged and bought the expensive seats on the 5th road. Because for someone who is as talented as her and who is used to portraying characters through song on the Broadway stage, she knows how to use those facial expressions and put on a show, and you can't appreciate the whole package that is Kristin, from up high in the balcony. Of course her voice alone can move anyone to tears, she is one of a kind, but there's something about seeing it as well as hearing it, that makes a world of difference. Here are my favorite lyrics in the song:
"I want to cry all alone on a mountain top and not have to explain why I feel so sad. I want to scream to the sea that the world doesn't hate me; that it takes more than courage to say yes, when you've locked yourself away like I have. I wanna drive with the wind in my hair and a CD player, on a trip to nowhere. I wanna curl in a ball and feel free for a moment and not get caught up in some kind of web I always made. I wanna see what you saw when you thought I was the one, and that we were the thing, but, then run away in silence. I wanna love somebody now, I wanna love somebody now...I wanna dig down in my soul and lose my self-control and find out what I'm not doing right..."
All that seems pretty self-explanatory so I won't go into dissect it and comparing it to my life. Let's just say that I "get it" and leave it at that. But I will say one thing (because when have I ever been able to "leave it at that") besides actually doing the mountain top line, having lived in Colorado, the line I most love and relate to is the part about "screaming that the world doesn't hate me, that it takes more than courage to say yes... when you've locked yourself away like I have." I like that because I could easily say that the Universe has it in for me, in the love department. It doesn't care, it doesn't have anyone for me, I'm destined to be alone, it hates me... but it does take more than courage to say "yes" to say yes to social events and online dating and getting out there in whatever capacity to meet this "one" this "love that awaits me"... or doesn't, I don't know. Courage isn't enough sometimes, I don't know what is, but I do get this song, at least how I interpret it. And I've definitely locked myself away this summer. Partly because it's so dang hot in August in Texas, so you're not going to find me out and about when I don't have to be. I am in the heat, driving around for my job, all freaking day, so I don't want to do it in my free time. But that's just a lucky excuse. I've locked myself away because I was tired of being, well maybe not rejected, but ignored, uninterested in, unable to connect with anyone new I met, turned down at every corner. I just didn't have it in me to try this summer. Not after so much trying in the months leading up to it. And even with my current friends...I got tired of it being one sided. Me being the only one that started the "so when do you want to hang out again" convo. I want to be pursued for once. I want it to be initiated by them and not by me. Even if in the end we do hang out eventually, after several tries to find times that they were free, and it was from a suggested date and time by them, it was still me that started it all. Sometimes I feel so invisible, even to my very own friends. I play a game to see how long I can go without texting them first and asking them to hang out, first. I always lose this game. While I appreciate so much, the texts I do get from them, even sometimes out of the blue to see how I'm doing or what have you. It just never seems to be a text with an actual "let's hang out on this day, if you're free" coming from them, deal. It makes me feel unimportant, or an "after thought friend", a "if I have time" friend. But I'll stop complaining now. I don't' want them to read this and feel bad, or mad or sad. No feelings that rhyme, please. I love them and they know it, and I know they love me, they are just busy people with busy lives and husbands and children to attend to that need their undivided attention pretty much 24/7, so I get it. "That is life. If nothing else, that is life. It's real. sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's sort of all we have." Sorry I digressed into a Garden state quote there for a second.
So, yeah, been escaping through writing a story of my life in alternate universe. One in where I actually get the girl, (and this is random) but I can draw really well in this universe. Like freehand sketching. I've always wished for that natural talent. And I'm a published writer, both novel and screenplay. But mostly I'm just loved. I'm cared about by an actual face to face live person, that does actually exist in this here Universe, not that she knows that I do...but this is all just fantasy. Maybe the part about being loved and cared about will one day not be a fantasy anymore, but be by someone who lives out there in this real life dimension that we live in. Maybe. Maybe I'll be lucky enough. Because what I've found is that people don't necessarily meet by hard work and dedication, nor do they force anyone to love them, it just happens. They meet, they connect, they fall in love, they get married, then the real work begins and they must keep the lines of communication open, the sparks flying or what have you. I know it takes work. I don't live in a fantasy world in that aspect. But the bottom line is, these people that find their "one," they aren't better than me. They aren't prettier, well some are, but you know what I mean. It's not about being smart or funny or beautiful or skinny or any of those things. It's really about being in the right place at the right time, which comes down to luck, if you really think about it. You had to have taken a route to that location, that would have put you there at the right time, meaning the right amount of lights, speed, traffic. You had to have been in the same place and have talked to each other for whatever reason. Online dating is a different story, and I'm not even going to address it, as I already have before. No more ranting for me on that topic. But it is about being lucky. And I'm notoriously not a lucky person. I believe the only things I have won in my entire 33 years on this planet are these two things: 2 tickets to the Martina McBride concert (which honestly I only called into the radio station in Colorado springs because my boyfriend was going to take me but then he broke up with me, so he obviously wasn't going to anymore, so I had to go, I don't know why, maybe on principal, or to prove some point in my head, but it was important to me that I still go. But anyway, I took a friend, and it turned out to be just sad and depressing...And the second thing I won was 2 tickets off a radio station website to see this comedienne, whom I have already forgotten her name. It was a long time ago. I'm sure it was worth the money...which was zero dollars. So yeah, that's it! Oh wait I think I won $3 off a lottery ticket once. But yeah, needless to say I'm not a lucky person. I'm not lucky in love either, either that or I'm picky. But I'm actually willing to give people a chance, if they are willing to give me one. Maybe I live in the wrong city. Seattle, or somewhere in Washington state has been on my mind for a few years now. I stopped believing in signs, so I ignored all of them and just stayed put. Now I'm kind of regretting not looking into it, because now I'm stuck here another year, with a lease. But maybe next summer I'll be living somewhere new. Maybe. There's a lot of "maybes" in my life right now. But I can control what I write and the universe in which I live in, inside my story I've been writing, so I'm kind of living there right now. Not completely. I have plans tomorrow to be out with the three dimensional people and not the ones that live in my words on typed pages, and actually on 2 different group outings, so that's at least something. Go me.
I'll leave you with one more song lyrics, because music is life to me. It's a representation of what I'm feeling, when my own words aren't enough. It explains more than I can, sometimes. And these lyrics are by my favorite male singer/songwriter- Joshua Radin.
"See your mountain see an ocean, see the years that bring rock and tide, close together. Settle down, I said to myself. Things that come with time, will always be better."
And they are. When I do finally find someone to spend the rest of my life with, I'm gonna love the crap outta them. I'm gonna appreciate their face off. I'm gonna rock their world so hard that they won't even remember that anyone else ever existed for them, like I do. It's gonna be worth the wait, because I am awesome, and so will be the person I marry. I'll be the mountain... now waiting for my ocean...
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
that one time, when I wrote a letter to someone I never met...and then mailed it.
For days now I can't stop writing. I guess my sabbatical is over. I just can't get enough. I have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I have such strong feelings right now for someone I've never met. And I have so much to process about what this really means. Am I living in a false reality? In a fantasy world? And why exactly? What am I hiding from? The world?
Sometimes when I wake up from a really really good dream which always involves me being with someone, having them close to me and in my life in a really intense way...sometimes I keep the dream going. I picture what happened next. I lie in bed until I'm satisfied with the ending or took it where it was going anyway. I love feeling important and loved by someone. Being the one and only "one and only" to that person. I think almost everyone wants that. I don't think they all get it though.
I was thinking about whether or not I'm living in a fantasy world, writing someone that doesn't know I exist and who I haven't even met in person, but feel connected to them based on how I felt when I saw this person, saw their spirit, their personality. And then learning more about them only convinced me even more that there is something there. Most likely just on my side, but I've never felt this way about someone before. Not a crush. I've had plenty of those. This is way deeper than that, and I don't know exactly why that is. I thought about Dwight in the office, the episode when he was depressed over losing Angela and he was constantly playing "second life" a sims-like online game or community. I thought am I living in an imaginary fantasy? but I'm not engaging in something online, if that makes any sense. I'm not in some kind of Warcraft game, pretending I'm a knight. But at least those people are talking to actual people. Nothing wrong with that! Heck maybe they find the love of their life on there. I also don't feel depressed, like he clearly was in that episode. In fact I feel alive for the first time in a long time, elated and awake....
I drive a lot for my job. I often picture someone next to me singing along with me, or just putting her hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. Looking at me and smiling, maybe placing a hand on my leg as I drive, a love pat if you will. It's always been someone I've never seen before, I just make them up. A friend told me she did this as a visualization. She believes in the laws of attraction and visualizing what you want, and is convinced that it works, so I gave it a shot for awhile. But nobody materialized in my life and I had given up doing it long ago. Well since now I have a real face of someone I'm feeling these extreme feelings for, I picture her next to me in my car. Smiling at me, singing along to the radio with me. If I was really seeing her there, then I'd really worry. But I'm pretty sane I think, well for the most part. I don't see her like Izzy saw Denny in Grey's anatomy. There isn't a tumor pressing on my brain. I just think maybe I've reached a point of extreme loneliness and isolation and lack of socializing, that maybe I'm going to a place where I at least feel safe and with someone I feel connected to for no other reason than I just do. I know I will break out of it soon. I know it won't be forever. It's just what I need now. It makes me smile, picturing that kind of love from someone. Just feeling relaxed and cared about and like it's the easiest thing in the world to love that person. They aren't perfect, no one is, but it feels right, they feel right, and that's what's easy about it. You just know that you are meant to be with them. With that one person. So no matter what happens, what hardships you both go through together or on your own, you're gonna work it out. Somehow. You just are. Because you can't imagine your life without that person and you both will do everything in your power to keep that smile on each other's faces. Not a fake smile, but an easy smile, a relaxed and just feeling of pure love, smile. That's what you want to do, for all of the rest of your days on this earth.
So I mailed the letter today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe just to feel alive again. Most likely nothing at all will come from it. And I'm ok with that. Even though this is the craziest thing I've ever done, I'm not a delusional person. I know it's not realistic for anything to happen... unless this was a movie, then it would happen for sure. And we'd fall in love and move in together and then something would happen and we'd break up and then get back together... for good that time. At least in the ellipses that is found in the ending of all movies. We don't know what happens after the movie is over. Garden state still holds the number 1 spot as my favorite movie, even after all these years and countless movies. I love its rawness. I love the flaws of all the characters. I love that they are just trying to get through life with everything that is thrown at them, out of their control, but then finally taking control of something good that has come to them. And that's why Zach Braff's character came running back to Natalie Portman at the final scene of the movie, at the airport. And he has just the most perfect revelation and told her: "do you remember that idea I had about working stuff out, then finding you once I figured stuff out? (the ellipsis?) Yeah, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's an awful idea, I'm not gonna do it ok? cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been sure of in my entire life. I'm really messed up right now and I've got a lot of stuff to work out. But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, ok? And I think I can do this. I want to. We have to, right? So, what do we do? What do we do?" and then the most perfect song kicks in, Let Go by the Frou Frou. "so let go, so let go, jump in. Oh well watcha waiting for? It's alright. Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. So let go. Let go. Just get in. Oh it's so amazing here it's alright cuz there's beauty in the breakdown."
We don't know what happens after that scene. If they made it as a couple, but neither do real life couples. And I kind of liked it even more because it wasn't a happily ever after moment. Sure there was a kiss, which is a staple to any movie with a "happily ever after" moment, but in this case, they asked "what do we do?" what do any of us do? Just try. Just love. Just do the best we can. I may not be able to "try" in the ways others girls my age try. But I do the best that I can do. And that's what matters. I feel like I know myself so very well. Like a little too well. But that's a good thing. I know what I want, what I like. I know my feelings and express them, better in writing, but if giving the chance to breathe and think a minute, I can voice them pretty well too, at least when I really want to.
Well, in the words of Sara Bareilles- "I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave, with what you wanna say and let the words fall out. Honestly I wanna see you be brave."
What would happen? When your words aren't hurtful, just truths about yourself or expressing love for another... it doesn't mean it will work out, but it's better than living every moment in your shell and not trying anything ever. So good for me, I say. Good for me for trying. For speaking out about how I feel. Even if it was only an exercise in "being alive again." That's good enough of a reason, for me.
Sometimes when I wake up from a really really good dream which always involves me being with someone, having them close to me and in my life in a really intense way...sometimes I keep the dream going. I picture what happened next. I lie in bed until I'm satisfied with the ending or took it where it was going anyway. I love feeling important and loved by someone. Being the one and only "one and only" to that person. I think almost everyone wants that. I don't think they all get it though.
I was thinking about whether or not I'm living in a fantasy world, writing someone that doesn't know I exist and who I haven't even met in person, but feel connected to them based on how I felt when I saw this person, saw their spirit, their personality. And then learning more about them only convinced me even more that there is something there. Most likely just on my side, but I've never felt this way about someone before. Not a crush. I've had plenty of those. This is way deeper than that, and I don't know exactly why that is. I thought about Dwight in the office, the episode when he was depressed over losing Angela and he was constantly playing "second life" a sims-like online game or community. I thought am I living in an imaginary fantasy? but I'm not engaging in something online, if that makes any sense. I'm not in some kind of Warcraft game, pretending I'm a knight. But at least those people are talking to actual people. Nothing wrong with that! Heck maybe they find the love of their life on there. I also don't feel depressed, like he clearly was in that episode. In fact I feel alive for the first time in a long time, elated and awake....
I drive a lot for my job. I often picture someone next to me singing along with me, or just putting her hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. Looking at me and smiling, maybe placing a hand on my leg as I drive, a love pat if you will. It's always been someone I've never seen before, I just make them up. A friend told me she did this as a visualization. She believes in the laws of attraction and visualizing what you want, and is convinced that it works, so I gave it a shot for awhile. But nobody materialized in my life and I had given up doing it long ago. Well since now I have a real face of someone I'm feeling these extreme feelings for, I picture her next to me in my car. Smiling at me, singing along to the radio with me. If I was really seeing her there, then I'd really worry. But I'm pretty sane I think, well for the most part. I don't see her like Izzy saw Denny in Grey's anatomy. There isn't a tumor pressing on my brain. I just think maybe I've reached a point of extreme loneliness and isolation and lack of socializing, that maybe I'm going to a place where I at least feel safe and with someone I feel connected to for no other reason than I just do. I know I will break out of it soon. I know it won't be forever. It's just what I need now. It makes me smile, picturing that kind of love from someone. Just feeling relaxed and cared about and like it's the easiest thing in the world to love that person. They aren't perfect, no one is, but it feels right, they feel right, and that's what's easy about it. You just know that you are meant to be with them. With that one person. So no matter what happens, what hardships you both go through together or on your own, you're gonna work it out. Somehow. You just are. Because you can't imagine your life without that person and you both will do everything in your power to keep that smile on each other's faces. Not a fake smile, but an easy smile, a relaxed and just feeling of pure love, smile. That's what you want to do, for all of the rest of your days on this earth.
So I mailed the letter today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe just to feel alive again. Most likely nothing at all will come from it. And I'm ok with that. Even though this is the craziest thing I've ever done, I'm not a delusional person. I know it's not realistic for anything to happen... unless this was a movie, then it would happen for sure. And we'd fall in love and move in together and then something would happen and we'd break up and then get back together... for good that time. At least in the ellipses that is found in the ending of all movies. We don't know what happens after the movie is over. Garden state still holds the number 1 spot as my favorite movie, even after all these years and countless movies. I love its rawness. I love the flaws of all the characters. I love that they are just trying to get through life with everything that is thrown at them, out of their control, but then finally taking control of something good that has come to them. And that's why Zach Braff's character came running back to Natalie Portman at the final scene of the movie, at the airport. And he has just the most perfect revelation and told her: "do you remember that idea I had about working stuff out, then finding you once I figured stuff out? (the ellipsis?) Yeah, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's an awful idea, I'm not gonna do it ok? cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been sure of in my entire life. I'm really messed up right now and I've got a lot of stuff to work out. But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, ok? And I think I can do this. I want to. We have to, right? So, what do we do? What do we do?" and then the most perfect song kicks in, Let Go by the Frou Frou. "so let go, so let go, jump in. Oh well watcha waiting for? It's alright. Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. So let go. Let go. Just get in. Oh it's so amazing here it's alright cuz there's beauty in the breakdown."
We don't know what happens after that scene. If they made it as a couple, but neither do real life couples. And I kind of liked it even more because it wasn't a happily ever after moment. Sure there was a kiss, which is a staple to any movie with a "happily ever after" moment, but in this case, they asked "what do we do?" what do any of us do? Just try. Just love. Just do the best we can. I may not be able to "try" in the ways others girls my age try. But I do the best that I can do. And that's what matters. I feel like I know myself so very well. Like a little too well. But that's a good thing. I know what I want, what I like. I know my feelings and express them, better in writing, but if giving the chance to breathe and think a minute, I can voice them pretty well too, at least when I really want to.
Well, in the words of Sara Bareilles- "I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave, with what you wanna say and let the words fall out. Honestly I wanna see you be brave."
What would happen? When your words aren't hurtful, just truths about yourself or expressing love for another... it doesn't mean it will work out, but it's better than living every moment in your shell and not trying anything ever. So good for me, I say. Good for me for trying. For speaking out about how I feel. Even if it was only an exercise in "being alive again." That's good enough of a reason, for me.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I love a life where you get to do what you want... within reason of course. I know my limits. I know what I "can" do based on what my life looks like right now, what I am capable of. For instance I can't up and go to Hawaii for a week, or I can't spend the day in bed with someone who loves me physically as well as emotionally. But what I can do is binge watch shows (this weekend it's bomb girls), and fall in love with Betty, the brassy, opinionated girl with a tender, caring, loving heart for Kate. So what if it's just fiction. That's the beauty of my life... that it is MY life. I like to be in worlds that aren't my own. I like to dream that maybe I could have that some day. I love fantasy and sic fi because it's so far off of the realities of the world. It's just far more interesting. I don't' understand people who watch reality TV. I really can't wrap my mind around why you want to see people fight and cuss at each other and these aren't even actors. There's not even any flair to it. Fakeness bores me to tears.
I love spending my weekends doing what I and only I want. I'm not forced into watching some sports game on TV or being dragged to IKEA or worse, the mall. I know relationships are about compromise and I would be willing to do these things if it meant I had someone to hold me at night and kiss me and hold my hand out in public, but since I don't have that and I don't see it happening any time soon, at least I get to enjoy every minute of my free time outside of work doing whatever the hell I want. That's pretty sweet I have to say. No one to tell me to get dressed and go out and do something. If I want to stay inside and like I said binge watch some show on Netflix, well by golly I'm gonna do that. I'm very blessed that I have a job, a house, a cat, and my parents still on earth with me. I know that I am. I have a best friend and godsons who think I am just the coolest person ever... that will probably change when they are teenagers, but maybe not. Maybe I'll always be cool to them. I hope so. As long as there is music to be heard and awesome new movies to watch, and incredible series to binge watch, well I'm as happy as I can be. I know what is realistic and what is just hopeful wishing. I don't believe you can create a person into existence like in the movie "Ruby Sparks." And in that same way, you can't pray this person to cross paths with you, or send out positive vibes to the universe to draw this person to you. You also can't wish on a star or visualize someone and poof, they walk into your life. If those things worked, I wouldn't still be alone, because I've done all of them too many times to count over the past nearly 8 years and it's still crickets over here. And on the active side of things, you can't attend meetups, church group activities and online dating sites and expect to find someone. See here's the thing. People say stop looking and then someone will come to you. But if I didn't have to I wouldn't have gone and tried any of those venues...because in reality none of that interests me in the least bit. I only do them to meet someone. I don't do them cuz they're fun. Making small talk with strangers is the worst. For social, outgoing people it's like catnip, they just can't get enough. They love it so much and each new person is a new story to be written in their life. I'm just not like that and I can't make myself be like that. I know if I want to be friends with someone within the first few minutes of talking to them, and if I've tried to keep you in my life, then you are very very important to me. I used to try more often with more people, after leaving college with like 10 really good friends, but quickly found out that wasn't going to happen with almost all of them. That's just life. Besides my bestie (who can't physically live near me because of the air force and where they send them) I try to focus on who lives near-ish me and who responds to me with my attempts at friendship. Usually if I really really like them as friends, then they get many shots at hanging out, no matter how many times they cancel me or it doesn't work out. I know they're worth it to me. And that I am important to them, just not as important as their husbands, kids and their own best friends, and that's completely valid. I've accepted that. Just like I've accepted I will probably always be alone. Not because I'm some kind of weirdo loser. I'm not. I'm a really really awesome person. I am very loyal to those I love. I am very trustworthy, honest and caring. I love showing the people I love with little things I've made, or cards and little gifts. I love spending one on one time with a friend, not groups, because you can't get into really how they are doing deep down, if there's more than one person to talk to. And I care more about that then superficial stuff or how work is going. Unless it's something really big that happened at work that needs to be talked about. People might find my job interesting, but I don't really have a lot to say about it. It's a job. It's how I survive... since unfortunately money is needed to survive. At least in how I would like to survive on this earth. But why I'll probably be alone is because, again, I don't like groups and meeting people. I've tried a ton. I haven't ever liked it. Even if it's doing something I do like, like kayaking for example. I'd rather do it by myself anyway. And online dating is just the worst. I've already written about that. So this is what I've got. What I already have right now. If anything else is given to me, it will be another blessing added and if it's a person, then it'll be a miracle. Cuz I'm definitely not seeking them out. But if miracles never happened, then there wouldn't be a word to name it. So, who knows...
I'm just grateful the songs never end, the movies never stop being made and the TV series keep coming and coming. There's always something new. Just like there are endless amounts of people out there. Just like I say when a favorite series ends- I'll never find a show as good as that again! I always do. So even though I say there's no one out there for me, no one that's right for me, that'll give me a chance, that I'll take a chance on. Just like when I take a chance on a new show I'm not completely sure about... and then I find out I love it. With all the "choices" of people out there, if ya look at it this way- the odds are at least one of them is right for me...there's some half glass full for ya ;o)
I love spending my weekends doing what I and only I want. I'm not forced into watching some sports game on TV or being dragged to IKEA or worse, the mall. I know relationships are about compromise and I would be willing to do these things if it meant I had someone to hold me at night and kiss me and hold my hand out in public, but since I don't have that and I don't see it happening any time soon, at least I get to enjoy every minute of my free time outside of work doing whatever the hell I want. That's pretty sweet I have to say. No one to tell me to get dressed and go out and do something. If I want to stay inside and like I said binge watch some show on Netflix, well by golly I'm gonna do that. I'm very blessed that I have a job, a house, a cat, and my parents still on earth with me. I know that I am. I have a best friend and godsons who think I am just the coolest person ever... that will probably change when they are teenagers, but maybe not. Maybe I'll always be cool to them. I hope so. As long as there is music to be heard and awesome new movies to watch, and incredible series to binge watch, well I'm as happy as I can be. I know what is realistic and what is just hopeful wishing. I don't believe you can create a person into existence like in the movie "Ruby Sparks." And in that same way, you can't pray this person to cross paths with you, or send out positive vibes to the universe to draw this person to you. You also can't wish on a star or visualize someone and poof, they walk into your life. If those things worked, I wouldn't still be alone, because I've done all of them too many times to count over the past nearly 8 years and it's still crickets over here. And on the active side of things, you can't attend meetups, church group activities and online dating sites and expect to find someone. See here's the thing. People say stop looking and then someone will come to you. But if I didn't have to I wouldn't have gone and tried any of those venues...because in reality none of that interests me in the least bit. I only do them to meet someone. I don't do them cuz they're fun. Making small talk with strangers is the worst. For social, outgoing people it's like catnip, they just can't get enough. They love it so much and each new person is a new story to be written in their life. I'm just not like that and I can't make myself be like that. I know if I want to be friends with someone within the first few minutes of talking to them, and if I've tried to keep you in my life, then you are very very important to me. I used to try more often with more people, after leaving college with like 10 really good friends, but quickly found out that wasn't going to happen with almost all of them. That's just life. Besides my bestie (who can't physically live near me because of the air force and where they send them) I try to focus on who lives near-ish me and who responds to me with my attempts at friendship. Usually if I really really like them as friends, then they get many shots at hanging out, no matter how many times they cancel me or it doesn't work out. I know they're worth it to me. And that I am important to them, just not as important as their husbands, kids and their own best friends, and that's completely valid. I've accepted that. Just like I've accepted I will probably always be alone. Not because I'm some kind of weirdo loser. I'm not. I'm a really really awesome person. I am very loyal to those I love. I am very trustworthy, honest and caring. I love showing the people I love with little things I've made, or cards and little gifts. I love spending one on one time with a friend, not groups, because you can't get into really how they are doing deep down, if there's more than one person to talk to. And I care more about that then superficial stuff or how work is going. Unless it's something really big that happened at work that needs to be talked about. People might find my job interesting, but I don't really have a lot to say about it. It's a job. It's how I survive... since unfortunately money is needed to survive. At least in how I would like to survive on this earth. But why I'll probably be alone is because, again, I don't like groups and meeting people. I've tried a ton. I haven't ever liked it. Even if it's doing something I do like, like kayaking for example. I'd rather do it by myself anyway. And online dating is just the worst. I've already written about that. So this is what I've got. What I already have right now. If anything else is given to me, it will be another blessing added and if it's a person, then it'll be a miracle. Cuz I'm definitely not seeking them out. But if miracles never happened, then there wouldn't be a word to name it. So, who knows...
I'm just grateful the songs never end, the movies never stop being made and the TV series keep coming and coming. There's always something new. Just like there are endless amounts of people out there. Just like I say when a favorite series ends- I'll never find a show as good as that again! I always do. So even though I say there's no one out there for me, no one that's right for me, that'll give me a chance, that I'll take a chance on. Just like when I take a chance on a new show I'm not completely sure about... and then I find out I love it. With all the "choices" of people out there, if ya look at it this way- the odds are at least one of them is right for me...there's some half glass full for ya ;o)
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