waterfalls

I'm sitting here watching a beautiful little waterfall in a small park hidden away in the neighborhoods of the town I grew up in. Never knew it existed till today.
This waterfall reminds me of something I had in my room when I lived in Colorado. It looked almost exactly like this but on a much smaller scale. I loved listening to that little fountain trickle water in my room, as I laid on the floor on the mattress I slept on. I moved there without a bed and someone gave me a mattress and box spring, but that was it. It never occurred to me to buy a frame. My room was this little oasis. Friends would come over and just felt at peace in there. I had purple lights strung up, and the low lighting and trickling water fountain created this very peaceful setting. Throw in opening the window to let in the cool Colorado breeze, and you got yourself a party. At least the kind of parties I enjoy.
A part of me truly loves all the Me time I get to have. Outside of work, my life is filled with calm, peaceful moments like this, a lot of the time. I think if I grew up in the woods, not like Nell, but an educated Nell, with even just a Dad to teach me to read and write and survive on my own; well I think I would be happy ALL of the time. If he never told me stories of princesses meeting princes or falling in love and getting married and having kids, would I even know to expect that? Or desire that? Would I even feel like I'm missing out? When he eventually died and I was left all alone in the woods, would I feel like I needed someone else? I wouldn't have Facebook or even know what that is, to tell me that, as a 34 year old woman, I should be married with kids by now. I think I would be completely fulfilled, with the animals as my friends, all around me, like Snow White but without all those little people to take care of and certainly without that Prince that I think "someday will come."
It's not even Facebook that's the problem. To be honest I've hidden from my newsfeed pretty much any friend who is married with kids, so about 99.9% of them. It's more the reminder when I'm around them with their significant other and other couples. I'm ok if it's just the 2 of us, because then I can kind of pretend it's 7 years ago, back when we were both single. All my friends start out that way, but for some unknown reason, I am the only one that doesn't move forward with them. I get to stay stuck year after year incapable of meeting any of the milestones they meet: seriously dating, engagement, marriage, buying a house, having a baby. Instead I just remain in the same status I'm always in: single.  I'm always alone, which is fine for the mops part because I love having time to write and watch my shows and decompress without having to take care of someone else or meet someone else's needs all the time. When I'm by myself and haven't been around people much for a long while, that's actually better. I get used to it. I can forget about wanting someone, because it's not being thrown in my face by friends who were once just like me. I can just live in my bubble of awesome me-time, just as long as no one comes along to pop it by simply moving forward with their life and meeting milestones every other 30 something seems to make. The only person I want to come and pop my me-bubble is another single girl, one who actually wants to get to know me, one who is interested in making connections with other human beings, and not just living a fake life on the Internet.
A friend of a friend (who also had her significant-other at this park where I wandered over and found the waterfall at) asked me what was new. And I literally did not even answer her. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say nothing, but it's always nothing. Nothing is new with me. I have no one, I'm still alone, I'm not moving forward in my life. Nothing is happening. It is better than bad things happening to me, so I'll take it over that. I literally couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't really want to talk about my trip to Niagara Falls in May, because for one thing it's not that recent anymore,  but another reason is I just didn't want to hear the faked interest of someone when they say "oh that's cool," but really they mean, "you went alone? The story doesn't even involved another person? That sounds depressing and sad. You're life isn't very exciting. I need a wedding or a baby or even just the talk of 'when will y'all get engaged', to excite me. To have something real to talk about. What else is there besides love and babies? That's right, the answer is nothing. Building families is what life's about. At least according to most of the population and what most advertisers appeal to, along with what most movies are about. Finding love. I remember when I was 16 I saw My Best friend's Wedding. What I most got out of that movie was that Julia Roberts was alone at the end of the movie. She didn't get the guy, the "best friend." Even though that seemed pretty obvious that was going to happen, I was 16, I don't know what I thought would happen, I just knew that the majority of the movies I had seen up until then and ALL the Disney movies I was raised on, told me that in the end, the girl always got the guy. So when she was alone eating her cake and she didn't even meet a potential boyfriend, there was just her guy friend (who was gay); I was like wow! It's ending with her all alone! That is so cool. When had that ever happened in a movie? It impressed me and quickly became one of my favorite movies of all time. I watched it a million times after that, quoting "you're never gonna be jello" and other lines endlessly with my best friend at the time. I had no idea at the time that I would be "Jules" one day. She was turning 30 and they had made a pack that they'd get married if they were ever to still be single at the very old age of 30!! That cracks me up now. 30 sounded old back then. But I appreciated so much, that a movie ended with the girl not getting the guy, for once. Even at 16, I caught that that was a big deal, and it meant something to me. I never thought I'd surpass 30 and still be alone, but here I am, 34. I feel like it's never going to happen. I just can't imagine connecting with someone in a deep way again. It just seems foreign to me now. I guess it's been too long, I just can't even remember how to do it or what it feels like. I mean 9 years is a hell of a long time. Meeting someone that I'm both attracted to physically and personality-wise, that to me feels like winning the lottery. Sure you would love if it happens, you'd feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but the odds are way stacked against you and it doesn't seem likely to ever happen, at least not to you.

Saw this on Facebook this evening- it was a cartoon of a girl riding a rainbow and it said: "a great future doesn't require a great past." My past consists of dating only 2 guys, both of whom wanted to marry me... until they didn't, so actually that's better than someone who say has dated 20 people none of which ever considered them to be marriage material. But my past doesn't determine my future. Having 9 years of nobody remotely considering me to be someone they wanted to seriously date AND me reciprocating that, because that is the key; doesn't mean my future doesn't hold that ONE person that wants to spend every day of their life with me, and vice versa. Ya never know for sure, I guess.
I never knew that waterfall existed until today. But just because I didn't know it did, doesn't mean it didn't exist before today. It's always been there. It just took me living here most of my life to find it. The same logic can be applied to almost anything. Just because I don't think anyone out there exists for me, doesn't mean they don't exist. It just means I haven't met her yet. It just means she hasn't found me yet. Hopefully one day I'll find my perfect waterfall... because damn...I love me a good waterfall.

"Lava"

"A long long time ago, there was a volcano, living all alone in the middle of the sea. He sat above his bay watching all the couples play and wishing that he had someone too. And from his lava came this song of hope that he sang out loud, everyday for years and years. (Chorus): I have a dream I hope will come true that you're here with me and I'm here with you. I wish that the earth, sea, the sky up above, will send me someone to lava. Years of singing all alone, turned his lava into stone, until he was on the brink of extinction. But little did he know that living in the sea below, another volcano was listening to his song. Everyday she heard his tune, her lava grew and grew because she believed his song was meant for her. Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea as he sang his song of hope for the last time. (Chorus repeats) Rising from the sea below stood a lovely volcano looking all around but she could not see him. He tried to sing to let her know that she was not there alone but with no lava his song was all gone. He filled the sea with his tears and watched his dreams disappear, as she remembers what his song meant to her. (Chorus repeats). Oh they were so happy to finally meet above the sea. All together now their lava grew and grew. No longer are they all alone with aloha as their new home. And when you visit them this is what they sing- I have a dream I hope will come true that you'll grow old with me and I'll grow old with you. We thank the earth, sea, the sky we thank too. I lava you. I lava you. I lava you."

If you have a child 12 and under or like me, you are childless but went anyway to see the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out; then you saw this Pixar short right before the movie, titled Lava. For me, it was even better than the movie itself. The movie hadn't even started yet and I was already wiping tears from my face. Luckily I was sitting on a couch in a small theater and no one was right next to me, so I could easily hide it. I've listened to the song at least a dozen times, since it showed up on a radio station on my Spotify. I play it for everyone, with 2 year olds that need help calming down, being the song's biggest fans. I love it because of the message it brings. The kids love it because of the calming ukulele strumming repetitively and this lulling them to sleep. I included the lyrics at the beginning, so you know what I'm talking about, but you really need to go to YouTube and at least watch the lyrics video and hear it for the full effect. You'll get the gist of it, even though it's not the actual video, those rights haven't been released yet, since the movie is still in theaters. But I love it so much because I am that volcano. I'm the dude, the big one in the beginning of the song. I've sang my song for years and years and I've watched friend after friend pair off and go off playing together as a couple, while I stay planted in that one spot. Nothing ever changes for me. The only constant in my life is my loneliness. I've sunken down like he did, my heart turning to stone and causing me to plummet into the depths of the ocean, where no one can hear my song anymore, where I feel like I am on the brink of extinction. "But little did he know." I love the message that love can be right under your nose, like it literally was in this song. She was right there under the water listening to his song and knowing that he was singing it for her, but he couldn't see her or knew she existed. And what seemed like 2 paths crossing in the night and just missing each other by seconds, actually turned out to just be a role reversal, in that the lady volcano sang the same song he had been singing out loud to no one, only she was singing it to him this time, hoping he'd hear. And he did, he was under the water and even though I believe it would theoretically take thousands of years for a volcano to emerge from the ocean and live above the sea spewing lava, it's a nice thought that it happened right when she sang it for the first time. Even though the lifespan of a human is not anywhere near as long as the lifespan of a volcano which is more like millions of years, still I understand the lesson on waiting. 9 human years is probably equivalent to at least a few thousand in volcano years. I'm pretty sure that this Pixar short was geared to the parents and adults that are watching it, and not the children. But I'm sure there are some smart kiddos out there that got the meaning of it. Timing is everything. Patience is a virtue a lot of people have trouble with. Hope is what saves you. It's all you need. As long as you have hope, you can make it through. Just keep singing that song. You never know who is right around the corner. You never know what's in store for your tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month or the next year. Don't let 9 years of nothing tell you that it will be a lifetime of nothing. Maybe it still will be, but you don't know that for sure. All it takes is one moment, and your life can be changed for ever. I like to dream, one that I hope comes true, that I'll find you and you'll find me. And one day I'll be able to say to someone with absolute certainty that they'll say it back and mean it- I lava you. But for now I'll take saying it to Mollie my cat, who just stares at me, but who at least looks at me when I say it. And I'll definitely take with great pleasure, my godsons saying "I love you," which I got to hear them say all of their own doing, many times last weekend when I saw them. That is simply the best. To be loved by another human being, especially a child, who you have to bond with to get that kind of love, well that means everything. Absolutely everything.