I sat down to write a new blog post when I realized that this would be my 100th post. One-freaking-hundred!! Wow. In 4 years. Almost to the day too, because I started this blog in September 2012. That seems like a crazy amount. But I feel like it's one of the greatest things I've ever done... for me. As for anyone else that reads it, well I'm sure there are lovers and haters, there always is, but I am so glad that I did it.
I started it after the summer my life changed forever. It was May 2012 when I had this epiphany that I could be gay. It was almost like a light bulb moment. I wrote it all out in a blog post back in February 2013. Up until then, I hadn't spoken out, well not to the blogosphere, but to my friends and parents shortly before I posted that blog (not that they read this blog). It's a long story of self-discovery that I don't feel I need to recap here, but I think in a way I started this blog because of it. I needed to process things in written form. I've done that my whole life, but I needed to take that extra step and put it out into the universe. It feels really good to post like this, I'm not gonna lie. I need it. It's like my therapy. I did do real therapy for at least a year that first year. I can't say it helped or didn't help, I think it was ok. But this right here, this helps me feel alive. It helps me feel like anybody could read it. Anyone could feel connected to me. Anyone could be touched by it and even if I never know it, I can see that 30 people have read it, or less or more, and it helps me to not feel so alone. I have gotten some feedback from friends who like my brutal honesty and realness. I don't need to sugar coat anything. I just tell it how it is... for me. No one can tell you how to feel. That's the good thing about being your own person... and not some robot or clone or something created in a lab.
I did sit down with a topic in mind. The topic is the dry wasteland that is my backyard and what a few drops of rain can do. (Which of course is a metaphor for something. It always is. Something is never just one thing).
My backyard used to look like the Amazon jungle. Thick, green grass that soared above my cat. It was her own private little oasis. I know she loved it. But I kinda hated it. I hated it because we are supposed to keep it down and it was always too hot to cut it and it grew like... well weeds, which are also amongst the problem. My push mower proved to be pretty useless. I had a weed eater or trimmer or whatever you call that thing with the blue cord that cuts the grass, but after throwing it a few hundred times in frustration, it broke beyond the repair that duct tape could accomplish. So with that out of the question, the next step would be to pay someone to do it. My friend offered her husband to me and I took it. (I paid him of course). I asked if he could also cut some of the branches on what I thought was a bush but was more like a small, out of control tree that poured over the fence and made it impossible for me to even walk between it and the fence. When I checked in he had cut down several of the branches, at a slant, and I said that's probably getting good enough, when I checked again, the entire tree was gone. Nothing but a stump was left. I didn't know what to say. I mean what's done is done. You can't un-cut a tree. He cut the grass down to the bare dirt, so what was once a lush Amazon rainforest was now a dry desert wasteland. My cat and I were both left in shock.
It's been a hot summer, to say the least. Last Friday it was 105 with the heat index of 115. I left work that day feeling like that backyard, a dry, desolate wasteland, with nothing left to give. There was the promise of rain. I made it home in time for a 2 minutes shower, a sprinkle, but I stood out there in that rain soaking up every last drop. I needed that desperately. My good hasn't been good enough. I was sucking at my job (apparently), because I wasn't being "productive" enough, ie: seeing enough kids to pay for my own position (or more likely the positions of the higher paid others). I was pretty fed up and done. I was done with the heat that I had to drive around in and get in and out of the car every hour and walk into a house that could be just as hot. I was done with the expectations I couldn't meet, due to families no showing me or cancelling last minute, which is somehow my fault. Like that tree, all of my limbs had been cut off: I wasn't good enough at my job, I wasn't good enough to make new friends, to connect with people, to meet a girl to fall in love to get married, to have a kid... none of it. I was like that hot dusty backyard, down to the bone dry. But when those rain drops hit me, it was like I was finally able to breathe. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath for that long. I didn't realize I couldn't breathe... until I could. I took a deep breath and let those really cold raindrops freshen my face, permeate my skin, satiate my body... right down to the bones. It didn't last long, but it was just what I needed. It didn't fix anything, but it felt good and I felt like I could finally breath, and that was enough in that moment. The promise of a rainy weekend didn't' pan out. In fact that was all we got, those 2 minutes, that Friday late afternoon. I peeked out at my backyard Sunday night. I hadn't been able to go out there or even look at it. It depressed me. It depressed my cat. Without that tree, the sun would hit that window and made it far too bright, despite blinds. Without that grass, my cat wandered around looking sad and in need of somewhere to hide. But when I looked out that evening I saw a patch of brand new sturdy green grass. It was about 3 strands. That was it. But it was the greatest thing ever. New life was already springing forth, from a sprinkle of rain! Imagine what a real rainstorm could do!
Well come Monday morning it started to rain for real. Little by little, till today, Wednesday, we got a whole bunch of it. Our summer's long drought was over. With it brought cooler temps. 80s and then today upper 70s. Right now at 75, it feels the coolest it's been since I can remember. All I can remember is 100 degree days, which is what it's been for a lot of the summer. We needed this. I needed this. The days are still hard. Today was a long hard crazy one. But the rain and the cooler air just allows me to do what I don't do often enough- breathe. Take a deep breath and let it out. I'm not going to burst into flames inhaling the heat of a thousand suns. I breath in rain and cooler air and some humidity, but it makes it all worth it. I am so grateful for tonight, for the cooler weather. I am grateful for my job (despite it's many challenges and expectations that can't always be met). I am grateful for this blog. For it's 100 times it's allowed me to share what's weighing on my heart the most. This blog is like the rain and cooler temps. It lets me take my dried out dusty self and sprinkle it with rain and it may not completely fix the problem... the cut down tree is still cut down. The grass is growing back in strange patches of long strands, 5 deep, surrounded by dead yellow hay grass, but it's something. This blog is something. It helps me. It waters me. It keeps me going, keeps me sprouting grass strands, or blades. (That's the word I've been looking for this whole time! That was driving me crazy).
I hope I do 100 more blog posts. I hope they continue to take me on a journey of myself, as lame as that sounds. Who knows what I'll discover next, what adventures I'll go on next. In 2 months I'll be writing about my first trip to San Francisco. Who knows what new discoveries lie there. I can't wait to see what my 200th blog post will be about... what's in store for me next.
