Happy city

It's been a month since I've posted. I've been vacationing in Happy City. It's a place where all that matters is that I have this little kitten that needs me and loves me and even though she bites me endlessly, it's not out of desire to hurt, it's playful loving...but mostly teething. Mollie is much like a child, going through the stages, but at a much quicker rate and they all overlap. She is going through teething, much like a baby, she needs to chew on something, which might be my finger, but it hurts much more than a baby with one tooth. She's also a toddler..she's endlessly running around and sometimes I want to hold her down to kiss and hug and cuddle, and she's like let me be free! haha. And recently she started acting like a pre-teen, putting her paw on my mouth telling me to be quiet! lol. But she's not a teen, thank God! She adores me and watches me all the time, totally intrigued at what I'm doing, like brushing my teeth. She looks at me adoringly...but sometimes its a trick and she wants to bite my nose..it is starting to hurt more, but I still love her anyway, because sometimes the ones we love hurt us, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose. But Mollie always follows it with a lick on the face, and even though her sandpaper tongue is a bit too rough at times, I let her, because I know that this is her only way to show me how much she loves me and how much she wants to take care of me, and that I belong to her. She's doing what her own cat momma did to her after she was born, and for those first few weeks, until the owner of that cat disgustingly threw her  and her siblings in the dumpster, instead of doing the humane thing and taking them to a shelter. But I never would've found Mollie, if she was in a shelter. I wasn't looking for her. I didn't even know that I needed her. She came into my life, through a family I visit, and captured my heart. And even though she keeps jumping on this keyboard and deleting things and messing up the computer screen...nothing she can do will ever make me love her less. She's the pea to my pod, the ice cream to my cone, the best thing to happen to me in a long long time. And I wasn't even looking for her. I was waiting for my dog! Isn't that funny? In life, we might be looking for one thing, and the opposite comes into our lives. We can't say- "wait a second, you weren't what I was looking for, so be away with you!" When you know it's right, it's right. If you let love come in, it will overtake you with such joy and belonging and light up your life. Doesn't mean I won't ever get a dog. I most certainly plan on giving Mollie a playmate, but I know that that little puppy will come in due time. It might not be in my time, but she will show up in my life, in just the right moment. And Mollie will love her as much as I do. There's a lot we can learn from stepping back and letting what will be will be. Que Sera, right? I have no more control over my life and who comes into it, than I do about what the car next to me on the highway will do, or how the kid I work with will behave that day when I see him. I can only control how I respond. Do I frustratingly raise my voice to  him to sit his butt down? or do I take a deep breath and give him a moment to get it out of his system and then redirect him to a fun toy that I know he'll love? Do I yell and cuss and give the car next to me a honk and a finger when he drifts near me? Or do I slow down and let him pass and stay more alert to what he might do?
So all that to say, I am LIVING in Happy City, not just vacationing. I am choosing to stay here and I hope I continue to make the right choice! Because it can be rainbows and unicorns here in my cozy home with my kitty baby. The world out there may not be that, but I put on my glasses that come from inside this home of mine, and walk out my front door, and it's like Emerald City out there! All green and sparkly and beautiful! And that's just how I like it, but when the dark story black clouds roll in and a tornado threatens to strike, I know that it won't stay long and I'll ride out the storm and wait for that rainbow I so love to come out...and maybe it'll be a double rainbow this time :o)

Hip Hip Hooray for Kittens!

I haven't blogged in awhile because on Halloween I met my now companion, Mollie...and she takes up all my free time...and she is a kitten. I met her at one of the families apartment, that I work with. She had followed them home from a box of kittens left outside of the apartment complex. I instantly fell in love with her, not knowing she was even available. The family said they've been feeding her for a few days but that they couldn't afford to keep her. I told them that I'd think about taking her and call them in a few days...well it turned out to be more like an hour. It was love at first time and it felt so right. That sounds like the lyrics to a song...a country song.
I picked her up two days later and a family we became. I grew up with a cat, that was born in my house when I was 12. She's still alive, at 19, but she wasn't the friendliest of cats, not most of the time anyway. She had abandonment issues because her mom wouldn't nurse her much because she was black and white and the other kittens were black, like the mom cat. Mollie, my new kitten's name, spelled with an "ie" because "ie" is always better than "y," is the most sweet, loving kitten I have ever come in contact with. She sleeps on my chest every evening. She greets me at the door. She's not meowing for food and running for her bowl; she just wants to be held and petted. She purrs with love and gratitude. She has instantly become the love of my life, even more so than the cat I grew up with. Mollie is all mine, and I understand why people think cats and dogs are their babies. She's definitely mine. In those 2 days before she even came to live with me, I was nesting and preparing like an expectant Mom. I cleaned, and bought the essentials, and kitty-proofed the house. Her first night here I got up at 4am to check on her and every morning since she's been here, I have woken up earlier for work than usual, just to play with her and set her up for the day with all that she needs. She is currently watching me type this, perplexed at my fingers moving so fast and wanting so badly to pounce on them, but she is being a good girl right now. She got a clean bill of health from the vet; she says she's about 6 weeks old; and I'm loving spending my previously lonely evenings with her. It was hard to leave her for work that first day, and even when I've gone out, I miss her and can't wait to get home to her. It's been a wonderful week with her and I'm looking forward to 19+ more years with her!

The best part of having a kitten: a). having someone that is happy to see me when I get home. b). having a warm loving, albeit tiny body laying on my chest and stroking her feather like fur. c). even though my friends have bailed on me and never have time to hang out with me, my nights are still filled with someone that needs me and loves me and wants to be with me and even follows me around like a puppy dog, (which by the way I'm getting January/February. Yes! Mollie will have a sister puppy, and I shall name her Sadie.) d.) getting even a tiny taste of that affection I need, even if it's just from her sandpaper tongue, nibbles on my nose, gentle stroke of her paw. She likes me to hold her paw or put her head in my hand when she sleeps. Makes it difficult to do anything, I've only got the one other hand and I can't move, but it's worth it!

Mollie loves:
1. ME- not just my heart and soul and spirit I'm sure, but she loves my hair, toes, feet, hands, fingers, nose, lips, ankles and thighs. She loves to bite them, that is.
2. she loves anything dangling- a window cord, iPhone cord, feather toy or curling ribbon.
3. she loves it when I sing. It calmed her in the car on the ride home. She prefers light folksy stuff, acoustic guitar melodies, just like her Momma, but she also comes running to me when I sing her name in Opera.
4. She loves to play, with anything really! She's super curious, sweet, quiet, loving and friendly. She's the perfect match for me.

I realized a few days after I got her that she's probably a Maine Coon, because 3 people commented that she looked like a lion, and she does have that lion's mane look around her neck, and pretty good sized paws for such a young kitten. I've always wanted a Maine Coon...and here she came! And I didn't even go out looking for her. It's few and far between that things I need and want, come into my life without looking or wishing or hoping, but with her, it did! I also realized that I had this magnet on my fridge of a gray kitten with black stripes...had it there for a year or so, and again, here she came! So weird, yet awesome. Knew it was meant to be. She's the best thing to happen to me in a long long time. Very happy to have a love to call my own. She definitely helps fill a void...not completely...she is not that human companion I so long for, but she's definitely a loving, wonderful distraction that still provides me with the love and attention, and feeling of being needed by another living thing, that I've been waiting for for a long long long time.
She's my boo. I sing to her these lyrics: "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart." And "before you came into my life, I missed you so bad, I missed you so so bad."
She meows back, in agreement ;o)

Ugh...meeting people...

If only there was a way to find your soul mate without going out and meeting people...sure if you're Indian or some other culture, your parents could set you up. Or maybe if you're friends would set you up with someone, like you've asked them a million times, you might find "the one" that way. Or there's mail order brides. I'm guessing that's a real thing, I haven't done the research. But outside of that, you're on your own! It's annoying, really, when so many of your friends met their husbands at 19 at college, where there was a plethora of men...unless you went to Baylor like me and the girls out numbered the boys 10 to 1. But all of my friends that went to Baylor are married...and most met them there, so...I guess THEY beat those odds! The rest of us are thrown to the wolves in the dating world of Dallas, or some other big ass city.
I went to a meetup group on Friday. It was my first. It was a movie group at some guy's house with a movie room. I went expecting some older people, like in their 40s, I was prepared for that. But what I wasn't prepared for was everyone to be in their 60s. I felt like that little boy in Cocoon. Surrounded by geriatrics. I laughed when I left. What else could I do? I did stay the whole movie, though, through all the obvious questions asked by people who didn't understand Flashbacks. It was a depressing cult movie, and there was nudity, which was awesome with gramps and gran. I wish I could get those 2 hours back, especially since the movie was so bad. This rarely happens to me. I always pick movies that I think look really good and I'm always right. I actually didn't particularly want to see this particular movie, but I did want to meet some people, so...I took a shot. The next day was another movie meetup. I sat next to a nice Indian lady who was probably in her mid to late 30s, so much closer to my age, and she was really interested in my job, so that was at least something.
I'm trying to remember the last time I really enjoyed a group activity with strangers or even with people I know...but I'm drawing a blank. Especially if these friends I knew also had their significant other at said event. This sucks for me. Because it's more reminders that I'm alone, and I don't need that shoved in my face. I wish I could be "okay." I wish positive thinking worked, but it doesn't. Not all the time at least. I think some people are naturally positive, or they've faced certain death and overcome it, so everything else is a gift and overcoming singleness is like getting over a light cold to them. They don't get it either, because they haven't been single for 6 years, or even if they have, they have such a large community of friends or dates knocking down their door, that it's so easy to be "single" for them. I feel child-less, friend-less and mate-less. Of course I HAVE friends, but I either don't get to see them often because they don't live close enough or they're too busy enjoying their life with their mate, child, and other more important friends.
So what choice do I have but to go out and meet more new people?? More people to be my friends for awhile, until they meet "the one" and suddenly don't have time for me anymore. And so the cycle continues. I don't care that I'm complaining. It's not really for anyone to read, and if they have, I'm sure they have stopped reading by now anyway! I would've ;o) I guess I'm doomed to continue the cycle of trying events and groups and failing miserably. Because going in there with an open mind and positiveness, hasn't gotten me anywhere. And if I go in as a grump, I know no one will want to talk to me. I go in timid and shy, as my nature. But I smile and introduce myself. Don't know what else I can do. If I could have the same 5 friends and see them every weekend I would be the happiest girl in the world. But sadly my life isn't a sitcom like "Friends," or "Happy Endings." Instead, I take what I can get. That hour or so with a friend I hardly see...or text messages from my bestie who lives 7 hours away. They are more often than all the face time put together from my other friends, so it's definitely better than nothing!
I keep trying. I suck at talking in groups. My voice fades into the air like a whispering wind, but I try. I suck at coming up with things to talk about with people who aren't already my friends. I forget how I met my current friends...it feels like it was by accident. So maybe more accidents will come. Maybe someone will notice me, even though there's nothing that special about my looks to stand out at them. But maybe someday someone will say, "damn girl, those eyes!' like a boy in Colorado did once...of course we were already dating, so maybe that isn't the best example...lol...good times...
But until that day, when I meet someone who wants to talk to me longer than 5 minutes, I guess my choices are stand still and do nothing, or at least try by being places in the world. There's always a small chance that my luck will change. Maybe in 2013. It's an unlucky number to most. But my unluckiness is the the past 6 years, so maybe 13 will have the opposite affect on me. Maybe it'll be my lucky year! I'm hoping for that. And I could definitely use a little hope...

Gosh darnit someone lay on top of me!

Blogging is my form of therapy. Outside real therapy, that is. It really helps me to get my thoughts out and into the oblivion. Yeah I've journaled all my life in paper form, it actually started when I broke my leg the day before my 13th birthday and my summer was of course ruined and I couldn't go to church camp with my best friends thus changing our relationships forever, having missed out on that bonding experience. So, journaling was my escape and my venting vehicle. Plus I've always loved to write. I wish I had become a real writer, gone to school for it and everything, but I didn't, so, I'm not. I'm writing 2 screenplays, though, that I will be forever writing, I fear, but it's cool, it's a process. But back to journaling. There's something about it. It may help for a second, but it's still there. The actual journal is in your house, so unless you burn it or  destroy it physically some way, it's still there lingering and continuing to infect me with it's presence. I love Internet blogging because it's going out into the Universe. Anyone can read it, which I don't really mind because it's not like people are commenting how dumb this is or anything. It's for me, but if someone likes it, well, I'll never know, but that would be great too. I love sending my words out into the void and letting them go. Letting them disappear. They are not saved on my computer. They are out in the nebulous void or wherever the Internet goes when I'm asleep...
So tonight I got me a little church and I feel a bit uplifted. It's more the presence of the people and hearing the songs I used to sing in youth group at church way back in the day. This church also does communion where they look at you directly in the eye, and say a blessing and dip the wafer in the fake wine and place it on your tongue for you. I love that experience. I think I go mostly for that one-on-one communion time. Nobody ever looks me in the eye like that and says something lovingly and feeds me. It's kinda sad that I'm so lacking in that intimacy, that I look forward to communion for that reason, because I know that's not what it's really about; but ya gotta do what ya gotta do and ya gotta take what ya get! Fun times...I liked the sermon about having the courage to be yourself. I've touched on this before. I know who I am and that I'm not changing, but courage to show others who I am is often hard. I don't try to pretend to be what I'm not, but I think I'd rather stay in my shell and be a mystery to all, than let people see my quirkiness and be rejected, called weird or ignored entirely. I grew up in church, yet it's hard to find your place in it. I think it's worth trying to find, though. It makes way more sense to me than seeking the universe for answers or sending positive thoughts out into the void and expecting that to come back to me. I don't even know how to explain it, that's how outside me it is. It deals with words like vortex and grid and vibrational...so I'm not gonna knock it since I can't even explain it or understand it one bit, but I think the whole Jesus dying for my sins and God the Father and all that is plenty enough for me. I'm sure tons of people can't grasp that concept or idea of one person dying for our sins, and that's understandable, so I'm okay with not "getting" all that Universe "secret" stuff or positive energy or whatever, and am just sticking with prayer. I'm pretty upset that God's not listening to my one request my whole life, and then turning around and giving it to everyone around me, but I do not know the plan for my life and nor do I want to know everything. I would like to know one thing. or 2 in fact. Will I ever get married and will I ever have children? Outside of that, it can all be a mystery. But sadly I can't know. I have to have faith and trust that what will be will be and that I will survive being alone forever if that's the case. I feel, though, that my body and spirit are dying (not to sound too over dramatic), from lack of love. Lack of face to face contact with people that love me so dearly, on a daily basis, and hand to hand, body to body contact. Not getting detailed here, but I'll say it...someone hold me gosh darnit! LOL. You thought I was going somewhere else with that, didn't you? I kinda feel like my organs are shutting down from this lack of physical touch, but c'est la vie. Outside of one night stands and prostitution, I don't know what else I can do! kidding. Prostitutes don't get held! sorry prostitutes...but anywho, my burden to bear now....and still... is singleness and please God Almighty not for forever I hope! Mama's dying over here. And I'm too much of a good little Christian girl to just take that from anywhere. Like I said, my burden to bear...I'd really like that weight lifted off soon...or put on top of me ;o) LOL fun times...

"never going back again"

I love taking lines from a song and making them about me, or something I'm going through or relate to my life in some way. I like to believe that the artist wants this to happen. Sure it's based off their own life, but I think they sometimes write so vaguely so that you can put your own meaning behind it. That's why I don't like country songs because they're so literal. They just tell a story, and usually it's a love story, between a guy and a girl and someone wronged someone. Bore snore. Folksy songs hint at things and have real live feelings in them, but you can always take a line and apply it or compare it to your life in some way.
I love these lyrics- "been down one time. been down two times. I'm never going back again."

But let me jump back to a few days ago: The creeping had overtaken me. It had gotten deeper down. I felt like I had blinked and I was in the pit again. I couldn't even shout "...to Colorado," in OneRepublic's song "Good Life," which I ALWAYS shout out in my car when it comes on the radio, because I love Colorado so much and it just makes me happy to shout it out, like Colorado can hear me. That song is my ringtone. I think that moment was when I realized it had crossed over into bad territory. I don't know how I got out of it. That night after work, I ate a lot of pizza and zoned out and watched my shows, and turning my brain off for awhile sometimes reboots it. If I can stop thinking about how I feel like every one's too busy to hang out with me, (but which started to feel like they don't really want to). And how much I would love to jet off on a weekend trip to Jamaica with my husband, but can't because I have no husband...well, if I can get through thoughts like that, and make it to the other side; well, then I'm in pretty good condition.
I wish it was as easy as the lyrics to that Fleetwood Mac song. I take it literally to heart. "I've been down one time. I've been down two times...I'm never going back again". I wish speaking it was all I had to do. Like it would come into existence by merely stating it, like some magic quote seen in the show "once upon a time." I'd probably need some fairy dust or purple smoke of some kind, but that seems easy enough to get. I wish I could snap my fingers and just be okay with being alone forever. I feel like I'm supposed to be, for some weird reason. Like if I'm not, then this person can't come into my life. Like they are standing outside this invisible force, this wall, and the can't break through. They're not allowed to enter until "Christie is okay being single forever and is happy with her life staying exactly the same forever, even if that means being 80 and being surrounded by cats." And guess what? Christie has never been okay with that. Not when I was 5 playing house with my cabbage patch dolls and I couldn't decide between the name Brian or Ryan for my baby, and not in this present moment and nor will I ever be in the future. I'll be 80 and still hoping for "the one" to show up and still praying that I can have a child..maybe by then medical science will have caught up AND people live to be 150. haha. I am NOT saying that I don't have a blast doing whatever I want and living the single life the way I want to. I totally do. I just know in my heart that I'm a wife and a mother without a partner or a child. It's a hard place to be at 31, when everyone already got that before the age of 30, and most already have kids. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, other than to live my life and take chances out there in this crazy world and see what happens. I can't live in a pit. I can't live vicariously through my favorite characters on my shows. And I certainly can't live my life thinking that having that is the only thing to life, because it's not. I still don't fully get that, because it sure seems like being married and having a family is the most important thing in life. The main reason being, in a healthy family, love is being given and received all the time, on a daily basis. And right now it feels like I'm flinging love out there and it's not making it anywhere, or like falling to the ground, not sticking. And when it does stick, I may get a little back from one of my babes in a hug or sweet smile and "I love you," when I say it to them or tell them to say it. Or I may get a text or fb comment from a friend, but it doesn't feel like like the all-consuming love of someone holding you in bed or kissing you hello after a long day apart, or carrying that sleepy child up the stairs, when they're too big to be carried anymore, but at least you get that hug maybe you don't get so much anymore from them, since they say they are "too big." That was a long tangent I know. I have a very active imagination, can't you tell? I don't need to create Sim City on some computer game. It's all in my head. I teach my imaginary kids how to live a good life, in my head. I teach them life lessons, and I picture how I will spend my nights with the future love of my life, with whom I share a name, or a bed at least. In our house. Let me make that very clear. haha. But I digress into my own fantasy world. Will leave this up to my dreams tonight. I'm sure they'll be filled with all things wonderful. My dreams are as detailed as those in the movie Inception. Like I said, I have a very active imagination...   

Creeping

I hate that feeling when you feel that feeling creeping up on you again. If that made no sense to you, and you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you probably shouldn't continue reading, because the rest of this blog might as well be written in Mandarin or Chinese, to you...unless you speak that language. I'm unclear if there's a difference in those, or if they are the same thing. But that's beside the point.
I'm very much aware when I'm having a feeling, that it's happening, but I can't always give it a name...or at least an interesting one. I can sometimes describe it. This isn't feelings of hunger, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, the feelings that Dexter has and has named his "dark passenger," which almost always ends badly. Nothing like that. It's more like the bummness starts to creep in. It's usually build up to that point, though. By tiny things or not so tiny things. Today I felt like it was creeping in because my attempts over the last few weeks to hang out with the few friends I have has reached a great total of 0 accomplished...out of 10 attempts. I know everyone has lives and is really busy and it's not personal, but it's a real bummer not feeling special enough to someone. And my friends think I put too much pressure on myself to get married and think that I want it way too much. Well...would I have 0 out of 10 hang-out times if I was married right now, over the past few weeks?? I think not! We wouldn't be married in the first place, if he never hung out with me. It's hard not to take it personal. It's hard when you know your friends are spending the majority of their free time with their significant other, and you're just left behind like...I can't even think of an analogy, I'm so bummed.
It's hard when you can't see your best friend as much as you want, because she lives 5 hours away and in a few weeks, 8 hours away. But she has a newborn and an almost 2 year old, and yet she talks to you more than the people that live in the same city as you. (well, texts, but that's "talking" these days. And if text didn't exist, we would hardly ever get to talk at all because of the little ones). I'm grateful to have friends at all, but I sure do feel left behind. I'm standing in a room full of clothes laid out perfectly, like the person wearing them vanished. Bam. There's the analogy!
I feel like my friends have reached this huge goal in their lives and I'm like miles behind them on the track, and nowhere near the finish line. Meanwhile they've gone out for ice cream and taken a shower, and are about to get into bed. All literal, by the way, and all WITH someone. Ice cream used to be a code word a boyfriend and I had, meaning "let's go make out." Ahhh the good old days.
I can be distracted from the bummness turning into anything serious, most of the time. But the bummness still stays there, stagnantly waiting. Sometimes blogging helps, like I am trying now, and sometimes I just need to go to sleep and see what awaits in my dreams. I love my dreams, for the most part. I have a lot of dreams that I'm kissing someone or holding their hand, and a lot of times they are a celebrity, but not to me. They are just mine! And it's funny...my camera never works in my dreams. I always say, I want to prove that this really happened; that I have someone, but the camera doesn't work...and it never dawns on me that it's a dream. That's what's so great about them. Real life is real and you know it's real. But dreams; anything could happen. And your mind doesn't know this. It thinks it's real. My dreams don't have to come true in the literal sense. I don't want to be with a real celebrity, because obviously they are not their characters on my favorite TV shows, but it would be nice for the idea of my dreams to come true. Someone to hold my hand. Someone not afraid to kiss me in public. Someone with eyes only on me and not on the other people in the room. That would be nice. And then the feeling of bummness won't be creeping in so much anymore.

Random sayings and wonderings

I always see these two really old and worn down pennies in the grass and gravel mixture by my garage. I think of the old saying "see a penny pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck." I don't know where that saying came from originally, but for me, it came from the movie musical Grease. Marty picked it up and gave it to Kenickie, he dropped it, bent down to pick it up and then Danny Zuko opened the car down and accidentally knocked him out, thus proving this saying has no validity. I used to pick up pennies, but usually nothing good nor bad happened. They're always no different than any other days, so I stopped picking them up. My guess is that someone back in the early 1900s (as this saying seems about that old), picked up a penny and that very day, he met his future wife, then promptly stumbled upon gold in a creek somewhere and became that times version of a millionaire...all in one day. So, he said it was the penny, and thus the saying began.
Speaking of money, how much change should one have to throw in a wishing well or fountain at a mall, till their wish comes true? Or how many birthday candles must one blow out? Maybe I'm missing out on the shooting star market, and therein lies my problem. Or maybe my wish isn't specific enough. Maybe I need to be giving a date to which this wish will come true...December 31, 2012. There we go.
There are many other "sayings" or "questions" without answers, that I like to contemplate on or wonder about. One being- "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it fall, does it make a sound?" To me that's a dumb question because of course it makes a sound! Just because there is no HUMAN there to hear it, doesn't mean there isn't a bunny rabbit or bird that hears it and inevitably runs away from harm upon hearing that bark break. What a silly question.
I was in the shower the other night and thought of another one. Maybe there is an answer to it, but I'm not willing to do the research, so I'm just gonna wonder about it. If they make baby shampoo called "no tears" meaning that it can get in the baby's eyes and it won't sting...then why don't they put that same ingredient into adult shampoos? As I was rinsing my burning eyes out from my shampoo, I was pondering this. Is adult shampoo too potent and baby shampoo just basically water?? Maybe babies heads don't get as dirty as adults, since they don't have all that hair to soak in all those germs...I don't know. Either way, I wish they could bottle that ingredient into adult shampoo...because it's a little annoying. It makes me think I'm washing my hair with some kind of poison, since it burns my eyes.
Anywho. I'm sure there's more, but that's all for right now. Catch ya on the flipside. Catch who on the side of what?? haha

Music

Music is the heart of life. It's actually more than that. It's the spirit and soul. It gives life to life. Your heart could be beating, but it doesn't mean you're truly living or alive. In the literal sense, sure, but without a spirit or soul, you are truly dead. It's that essence to life that makes you who you are and brings real life to your bones, muscles and all those crazy systems in your body.
Music combined with dance is the ultimate experience. It moves me like nothing else. I can hardly contain the emotions and feelings inside me when I see a beautifully moving dance, accompanied by THE perfect song. Without it, dance is just a bunch of random movements.
My favorite type of music is what I call acoustic-folksy-indie-singer/songwriter genre. Artists like Joshua Radin, Ingrid Michaelson, Good Old War. Songs that have that acoustic guitar in the foreground, and maybe a solo drum of some kind. I like Bling Pilot's The story I heard, and Brandi Carlise's The Story. I like songs that evoke emotions and feelings and tell us a story in a non-country way. I don't want just sad feelings evoked. Happy go lucky ones are needed too. I love Grouplove's Tongue tied and Phoenix's Lisztomania, and of course OneRepublic's Good life. Of which I love to shout out in my car the line- "...to Colorado." Simply because I lived there and love that state to the ends of the earth.
Sometimes covers are better than the original artist. I can think of a ton done by the Glee cast, in which I had previously hated, when sung by the original artist, but now love because they sang it just right. Also Walk off the Earth's Somebody I used to know, is the first version I ever heard, and I think much better than the artist that wrote it/recorded it. Another example is Obadiah Parker's cover of "Hey ya." If you haven't heard it, you must. It's a much slower and more meaningful version of OutKast's song.
Some songs just have to be upbeat to make them fun. It doesn't even matter the lyrics, like Of Monsters and Men's Little Talks, or Foster the People's Pumped up kicks. A song can be a sweet, slow tune, meant to lull you into a peacful haze...until you actually listen to the words, like in Sara Bareilles' Sweet as Whole. A song has never made me laugh harder. I don't drink, but I wanted to go down to a pub with a tall brewski and sing this with all my compadres as we clinked glasses.  Please youtube to see what I'm talking about. You will not regret it. Unless cussing offends you...then don't look it up, because this song is f-ing lousy with them.
Bands like Coldplay and Mumford and Sons, will never let you down. They will always be awesome. No matter how old you are. Garden State is the best soundtrack of all time, and I'm pretty sure one of the main reasons I love the movie Away we Go, is because of Alexi Murdoch's unique voice. It's like a sexy Kermit the Frog. It's like he's just talking, but not. I love distinct voices like that. When there's no question who it is.
But enough ABOUT music. I love it because of how I feel when I listen to it. It can calm me in traffic, if I focus and hone in on Joshua Radin's perfect voice, it lulls me into complete peace. Music can get me to get up off the couch and dance, especially when the Glee kids are doing it. It mellows me, it pumps me up, it centers me and it puts me in a place that nothing else can- where I feel that everything is perfect in the world, even though it isn't.  In a way, it is my companion. It is my partner, my love, my best friend. Jason Mraz said on Storytellers "I've used song as my companion. It's been my best friend in my time of need." Well put Jason. But you know what the best music is sometimes? What's going on outside my window right now. RAIN. A gentle rain, not too loud, not too soft...just right. And isn't that what we all want? Just right...

HOME

I'm obsessed with the idea of home. My favorite songs are either titled 'Home,' or distinctly about the idea of a "home." Even one that I mistakenly thought they were saying "my sweet home," but apparently it's "my sweet heart." This of course is Lumineers- Ho Hey. I stand by my lyrics anyway, they are better: "I belong with you, you belong with me, in my sweet home." Another fav is Home by Philip Phillips- "the trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found, just know you're not alone. 'Cuz I'm gonna make this place your home."
Isn't that what we all want? To be found? And more importantly to have a home with someone we love? To BELONG to someone, sharing that sweet sweet home of yours, together.
My favorite movie still continues to be Garden State. I love it for it's quirkiness, and honesty and openness to the feelings and awakenings to life and to the people that come into your life and not disregarding them. One of my favorite lines is when the main character played by Zach Braff, who also wrote and directed the movie, says: "You know that point in your life where you realize that the house you grew up in, really isn't your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone...you feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe its this rite of passage. You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." I remember when I first saw it. I rented it at the end of 2005 after everything had fallen apart in Colorado and I had moved home to Texas, after my 2 year stint there. I watched it twice in the two days and bought the Soundtrack the same day I rented it. Bought it shortly after that, too. It came into my life at just the right time. When home no longer existed for me. Sure I had a "home" where my parents and little sister lived. But that hadn't felt like home in years. I had been in college for 4 years and in my own apartment in Dallas for 2 and then in Colorado Springs for 2 more. What was home for me? In the two years I lived in Colorado Springs, I lived in 5 different places. A family, newlyweds, single girls, a crazy old lady and an engaged girl. I had literally seen and lived it all! But none of them were real "homes." I had found a group of friends in Colorado who had all "missed this same imaginary place." They were my family, until they found their own real families.

Now I have a HOUSE that I love. It's an actual house this time. No efficiency apartment for me! I'm in a duplex house that is the biggest place I've lived in, on my very own. I have a back yard and a big front porch. I have my own washer and dryer and 6 windows and 3 doors which all have windows on them too. Currently they are opened to let the cool air cycle through. It's amazing, and I don't want to leave it ever. Unless it was for a real person. A shot at a real home. Then I would leave it in a heartbeat. I'd be out the door if someone was ready to offer themselves as home to me.

"Home is where the heart is." A saying that means, wherever you are, wherever you are giving and receiving love...that's a home. If you live alone, then how could this be a home?
Music is probably my favorite thing about life. Actually I am certain it is. If I ever have a daughter, I am naming her Calliope or Callie for short; which means beautiful voice, or music. It's also a type of musical instrument, seen on those boats out on the Mississippi river that play that tug boat music through the pipes, with the smoke. You know what I'm talking about. That's how much I love music. Ingrid Michaelson says it best in her song titled- Are we there yet. "They say that home is where the heart is. I guess I haven't found my home. And we keep driving around in circles, afraid to call this place our home... They say you're not really somebody, until somebody else loves you. Well I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon." Aren't we all waiting for this? Well, some how found it. In a significant other, or maybe a child. Some thought they had it, but it turned out it was a fairytale, without a happy ending, and they want their story rewritten or scratched and started again. Whatever the case, for me, I am forever contemplating the idea of Home. Because I can't figure it out. It's aloof. It's a magical place with unicorns and cotton candy clouds. It seems unattainable,  just out of my reach. And yet at the same time, it seems to have only one answer. And I can't get the numbers to add up.
I like what Jason Mraz said in an episode of Storytellers. He said, "Home is a state of mind. Have peace in your mind; that's home." He said this because he is always traveling and a home can't be 4 walls for him. But I like that- "state of mind." I wish I could fully comprehend that and live in that mindset. Live in perfect peace. All the time. Wouldn't that be nice? He also did add- "and you can choose to go back there anytime." So even though it's impossible all the time to be at peace and at home in that "state of mind," you can go back there whenever you are ready; whenever you want. You just throw on some red sparkly shoes and click your heels 3 times and repeat after me- "There's no place like home, there's no place like home." Wait. This only works if where you are now is OZ, and where you want to be is in the real world.
But, regardless, I guess home is what you make of it. My home is filled with a lot of owls. Stuffed animal owls, figurines, paintings, ect. My home is filled to the brim with things I have created with my bare hands, and with my open heart and creative mind and spirit. I love my home. It is all mine and it is perfect. Not everyone can say that their place is completely their touch, their design, their sole imagination and invention. No one else's input had to be considered in the making of this home, and that's a pretty sweet place to be living in.

But it sure would be nice to have a home where someone thought of you like this: "holy-moley
me-oh-my, you're the apple of my eye, girl I never loved one like you. Man oh man you're my best friend, I'll scream it to the nothingness. there ain't nothing that I need. Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ.  There ain't nothin' please me more than you.
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I'm with you..."

-Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Questions and Poems..and Poems about Questions

I've said before that I'm not looking for advice on these blogs or comments telling me what to do. If it's positive feedback, that's dandy. I like the "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all," philosophy. I wish the millions of people on Facebook lived by that rule. People can be SO harsh to total strangers. Not me.
But this is the ONE time I'm gonna ask for advice or suggestions, is more like it. Particularly to this one question:
How do I fulfill a need to be held, without a significant other? (and body pillow is not a suitable suggestion). Yoga, massages, kissing my own arm, hugging myself, hugging babies, getting a hug from a friend once in a blue moon, are all things I've tried and do not work. Mostly, I'm joking, because there is no answer to this question. Human contact cannot be substituted for anything else on this planet. I have more questions but that's a start...

Poem: Questions, questions, BIG and small.
           Questions, questions, how do I answer them all?
           Are you real? Do you exist? And when will I get my next kiss?
           If God is listening then why don't I have someone to love?
           Someone to play with and call honey dove?
           If God truly loves me, then share some of that love, by giving me a partner, a lover, a hug.
           What is next for me? Where will I go? Who will I meet? And who will I show?
           ...all the love in my heart, for this mystery person.
           This maker of passion. This well-rounded...Christian*

*ahh! close enough, right? Rhyming is hard! ;o)

Here's a Poem I wrote under this here bridge in Cheyenne Mountain Park in Colorado Springs, CO:

 

 

 

And this is where I wrote it: Aptly titled- "The Troll under the Bridge" (sorry I was feeling a bit trolly that day) :op

 

 



 

 

 



 

 



I'm a troll under a bridge. No one sees me unless they need something from me. No one wants to deal with me. No one wants to be my friend. I'm an ugly troll. I'm a nuisance to all that come in contact with me. I hide from you, people of the world. I'm safe and unbothered under the bridge. I'm in my world, where the water flows constantly and where I'm kept company by that which is smaller than me, but is not afraid of me. My friends come and go but they never have to cross the bridge to be with me. They join me underneath. Where I am. Where I want to be. Where I am safe and sound from the things of the world that scare me, that worry me, the things and people that I don't understand and don't understand me. Maybe one day someone will join me under the bridge or take my hand and pull me out from under the bridge. Show me what else there is. The parts that aren't scary. The parts that are rainbows and blue skies. The parts that can make me happy. Maybe one day I will experience what my life could be and what the world could offer me. Out from under this bridge.

 

 

So that's it for now. A little poem-age for ya. What's next on the list? Whatever tickles my fancy. Maybe when I see "The perks of being a wallflower" this weekend, something will spark me from that. Which reminds me, I need to go buy the book and read it before the weekend...

 

I leave you with probably THE best poem/song of all time: Taught to us by Sheldon, from "The Big Bang theory."

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now didn't that make you happy?? Now sing it in a round with your roomie! :op

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What's next?

I like that new Mumford and Sons song- "I will wait for you." I don't know who exactly is the "you" they are referring to. But in my own life I often wonder who this "you" is, as well. Or if this "you" even exists.
I went to my favorite set of twins birthday party yesterday. They are 3 years old now. I have been in their life since they got out of the hospital at 5 months old, and I will continue to be a part of their life for as long as possible. They are two of the most sweetest and most precious children I know. I've always known I wanted to be a Mom. For maybe a minute awhile ago I thought, maybe I don't, thinking 'it's too hard' or 'I'll miss my freedom; my me time.' But last night it was evident that I definitely still want that, and that I would be good at it. I work with babies everyday, so I know I will be good at the "teaching" aspect. The developmental skills and all that jazz. But I think I would be good at being a parent too.The parents had a lot to attend to at the party, meanwhile I was just loving on those kids, particularly entertaining the little girl and keeping her outta trouble. I really loved being responsible for her and feeding her pieces of my cupcake, even though she had her own...she of course still wanted mine. I loved holding her and protecting her from her brother's swing as he hit the pinata as hard as his little 3 year old hands could take. I loved that as she looked around the room at all the relatives and church people she knew, she still wanted to come right to me and sit in my lap. I want to be a Mom so bad. My friends say "you still can. single women adopt all the time." And to that I reply, nope not gonna happen.That's just not for me. I know it isn't. I know me really well now. Been me for 31 years and counting. I would gladly adopt with a partner, someone I'm spending my life with. But I will not and can not adopt alone. I don't have the money, nor do I wish for my newborn child to spend his or her first 3 years of life (which are the most important in a child's life), bonding with a daycare provider or...my Mom. I'll work from home, I'll work 1 or 2 days a week outside the home if I have to, but I want to be a stay-at-home Mom for sure. At least until the kid starts school. Maybe I could win the lottery and then be a full-time single Mom easily. But raising a kid is really a 2 person job. I know many people don't do it that way, but I definitely don't want to do it alone, if I have a say in it.
I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy pondering things and being in control of my home and how it is run and what goes on inside it. But I do feel like I'm waiting for someone. I'm not doing the looking, just the waiting. If I knew where to look, or if looking in the past ever paid off, I would do it more. What's next for me? Who will I be in a relationship with? Who will be my child one day? And do either one of these people exist in the universe at all? Either present or future?
Things definitely could be worse. I'd take boring over drama, any day of the week for sure. But not all people are drama. I'm not drama. I'm easy going and relaxed. I'm t-shirts and jeans. I'm a homebody but who also loves the outdoors and nature. I'm very passionate about the things I love and the most loyal friend you'll ever make. And now I feel like I'm creating a profile for match.com, so I will end there. What is on the horizon for Christie? WHO is next on this horizon? A tall brunette? A sexy blonde? haha. I don't really care. Just as long as they make me laugh. And listen to me and give me eye contact, like I'm the most important person in the room. THAT is the most important thing. And have a job would be nice...how will I ever be a future stay-at-home Mom without that?? wink wink.

Slipping

On a recent trip to Colorado I went hiking in Cheyenne Mountain park. There's a waterfall tourist attraction there, which was nice, and lots of appropriate trails to take, that were worn down, so you knew where to go. I hiked the stairs up to the top of the waterfall and stood on the bridge. I looked to my left and families were starting their trek up the beaten path to god knows where, but I'm sure it was great. Then I looked to the right and there's this hillside of a mountain to climb. I didn't see where it lead, but there were rocks a little bigger than my foot randomly placed, and also some larger rocks and I thought hmm...those look a perfect distance for my feet and hand placement. So, even though I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon, I ventured up it. Now, it wasn't so high that I could fall and die. I think at best I would have sprained (or possibly broken) an ankle or maybe even an arm, but I was recovering from a rough morning and a funk so bad that my favorite dog in the world licking my tears couldn't even pull me out of, so I said 'what the hell.'
It wasn't actually that hard of a climb. I took my time and I placed my feet with my sturdy tennies on the smaller rocks, and they didn't budge, and I grabbed a hold of the rock above me, making sure it didn't shift before I put my weight into it, and it was fine too. It wasn't a complete vertical height, it had an angle to it, but you definitely couldn't just walk up it, you had to hands and feet climb it. Reflecting on that moment makes me think of how I live my life. I'm not afraid to take chances, chances that could lead to harm in some way, but I'm definitely slow and cautious. Is this sturdy enough for me? Will this fall if I lean on it or drop me? I test before I go. I'm not a jump-right-in-er, except for this one time (same trip) where I leaped off a 20 feet (or higher) cliff into freezing cold water under the Royal Gorge bridge in Canon city. That, by the way, was the most exhilarating moment of my life. I didn't think. I just swam across the  river from my white water rafting group, climbed up on the rock, and walked off, not taking the time to stop and look down first because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have jumped. But back to the rock climbing story.
So I was nearing the top and realized it was just the road. Like the road you drive on through the mountains. There was a silver rail, so people don't drive off the road (or at least make it a little more difficult to). I was a little disappointed that that was all there was, but then came the hard part. There was no more rocks and just tiny pebbles, that I knew would be slippery, but I would have to cross them to get to the road and climbing down definitely wasn't an option. I went super slow and still slipped a little sliding a brief moment, but managed to scoot up on my bottom that little last way and climbed over that rail to the road. I looked down at the people below and it was actually even higher than I thought. But I did it. Mission accomplished.
When I got to that point when I realized all that I was climbing to was just a road, it makes me think about my life. I feel like I take the hard way, sometimes. I could've walked the real path that has been worn down by travelers. I even could've hiked or driven on the actual road, apparently, if I had known to go around. But the thing is. We don't know it's the "hard" way, until we've gone up it and looked back. I knew it would be a challenge, and I had hoped the top would've been a little more rewarding, but I still felt proud I had accomplished it. I put so much weight into a goal or an event. I think that it'll be the best thing even when I get there, but most of the time I'm a little let down. It's still cool in a way, and I enjoy it, but I think I build things up too much in my head; sometimes without even realizing it. Sometimes a little slip like that makes me pause and gather my thoughts, but I usually continue on. Sometimes from a slip, like my wet bare feet the other day from the rain, on my tile floor, leads to a pulled leg muscle that causes me to walk with a limp for a few days. Some slips in life leave a little reminder, or take time to move past. They're not always instantaneous recovery, like on the rocks.
Sometimes I feel myself slipping into "woe's me" time, or just "I need someone physically and emotionally to love me in this very moment" time. And since I don't have that in that moment, I start to slip into sadness. Sometimes I can feel it coming but even with my attempts to change it or distract myself, it doesn't always stop. It doesn't always have to snowball, though. If I take action to change my mood I can keep from spiraling deeper and deeper. I don't always have to dwell, but it still has to run it's course. It doesn't immediately go away, or have a triumphant win, like it did on those last few feet on the mountain side. A slip is a slip. It might take more than a few moments to get over, but it will happen. I think what pushes me along is LOVE. The hope of the love that's out there searching for me. And I have a feeling that when it comes it will be worth the wait and more than I could ever hope for or dream possible for myself. That's the hope I live by. The wait is long. It's a slow climb up a mountain and not a quick drive on paved road, but the end result is the top. Whatever that "top" may be.
This time I leave you with song lyrics. Because besides love, what's better in this world than music?? Nothing.

Healing song by Bebo Norman: " ...and in a world that broke me down. Oh I'm standing up, oh but not alone. 'cause this is a healing song, oh and I've got a heart that fails
But love is pushing me along, I'm lifting up above this veil
This is a healing song, oh and I don't know if you can tell
But love is pushing me along
I'm pressing up against the rail, pressing up against the rail."

A Snail's pace

Sometimes I feel like I'm traveling at a snail's pace...I may still get to that end result- the house, partner, 2.5 kids, but it still feels light years away and all my friends are cheetahs...and I'm just a snail. Excuse me, they are a "Peregrine Falcon," which is apparently the fastest animal on earth, "reaching speeds between 99 and 273 miles per hour (440 kilometers per hour) when diving." But who the hell's ever heard of that?? And that's a bird anyway, so I'm going with the fastest LAND animal, which I was correct in saying, is the Cheetah. Yikes! Did you know that the American Cockroach is one of the fastest running insect in the world?? So gross..SO not comparing my friends to cockroaches, so Cheetahs and snails it is.
Yesterday I watched this snail on this 4X4 foot slab of concrete that is outside my back door. It was moving SO slow. And it left this slime path behind. Like leaving its mark on the world. To let us know it was here. The cool thing is that it never gave up. It made it halfway through the space then turned around and went back the way it came. It didn't care. It even persisted on and didn't retreat back into its shell when a jerk (aka me) poked it's eye with a blade of grass. It's eye retracted, but then popped right back out again and it kept on moving. Now when I really rocked it's world and picked it up by it's shell, it did go inside and even when placed on the ground, it didn't emerge for several minutes. Like me, it hides in it's shell and waits until it's 100% sure it's okay to come out again. I don't really feel like I hide away in my home, because I love being in my home and creating and writing and listening and observing and contemplating...but sometimes when I go out and I don't know anyone or just one person but they are off talking to someone else, I do hide in my shell. I put up an invisible shield, much like Harry Potter's Invisibility cloak, and I assume no one can see me, as evidenced to no one talking to me. But it's cool. I'm okay with that. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, shy snail and all.
Maybe the world values money and success and beauty above all else, but in the "Christian" world families are the gems. Perfect wifie and hubby and obedient children are the specials on the menu. Some churches try to include singles, but it's clear that families are what sells. They are the most important investment. It's clearly the goal of every single person in a singles group- "must find mate." And it can't help but feel like it's the goal of the church as a whole. And don't even get me started as to why they separate girls and guys into community groups and only in the singles department. I don't see them separating the widowed senior citizens by gender! For someone intimidated by more than about 3 people, you can see why a large group event as my only option in mixing with the opposite gender, is not only daunting, but pretty impractical for an introvert like myself. So I stay away from those places nowadays. And that's all I have to say about that.
I checked back outside and the snail is back. Where it went today, I don't know. Maybe to visit its cousins by the air conditioning vent, maybe to find some sweet eats over by the ant hill, regardless, it's back on it's mission of slowly slurping away on that 4X4 foot piece of concrete, going to the end and back again. Maybe we all go in circles at some point in our lives. Maybe I feel like I'm going nowhere and everyone else is going "somewhere" but in actuality, we're all standing still. That makes no sense, I just felt like saying it. Regardless on when or how, I suppose we all get "somewhere" someday. It's not always exactly like we picture it. Maybe that snail was hoping he'd in a backyard with a view of the ocean where he can meet a wirely crab named Bob. But he's here. In my backyard. And I'm here. In good 'ol Texas. Yee haw. At least for now. Maybe one day I'll be somewhere else. Maybe one day I'll be WITH someone else, besides myself. But I do know that I'm moving at the pace that is right for me and that's good enough for me. At least in this moment. Maybe I'll evolve into a rabbit. They're pretty fast...at least when they're not racing turtles...
OK. Until next time...

Here's a quote from the office, just cuz it's about a snail. Michael: "I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail."  :o)

"I'm never changing who I am"

Whether you want it or not, when you share yourself with someone, when you share your heart, your struggles, the feelings that bring you down, you're bound to get "advice." You're bound to get "help" or "if onlys." I think at 31 years old, I am finally accepting ALL of who I am. My out of control hair, that's neither straight nor curly. My wallflower impressions whenever I'm in groups of people where I know no one, or maybe just one person. My crazy excitement and squeals for Glee and my dance moves that aren't ready for public eyes. I am who I am, and I'm never changing who I am. I love that song by Imagine Dragons. Partly because I love to do that stomp clap beat that's in it; but mostly because of that one line- "I'm never changing who I am." I can change what I do. I can change my mood sometimes, and how I act and behave. But who I am inside, those things I listed, and much much more, are who I am. I'm never going to be someone that enjoys talking to strangers. It's funny because I talk to new families and new kids every day, and that's pretty easy for me now. The first time I'm a little nervous still, just wondering what kind of parent I'm up against. One that will participate and is willing to work, one that is way too overbearing and neurotic, or one that could care less about any of it...But when it comes to groups, really more than 2 people, I'm lost. It's like I've forgotten how to talk to people sometimes. Reminds me of Phoebe meeting Mike's parents, in "Friends." She starts talking about her crazy life she's had and tells too much about it, and Phoebe says "I've never met anybody's parents before," with which Mike replies "but you have talked to humans before, right?"
I don't really feel that I make the best first impression. Now if there's a dog in the room, you better believe I'll make a stellar first impression with him/her. That dog and I are besties from the second we meet. I love dogs. They can see into your soul. They know who's good, they know who's bad. I think how you treat a dog and how a dog responds to you (one that hasn't been abused), is a testament to what kind of person you truly are.
I realize that maybe my chances go down at meeting a life long parter in crime till death do us part, if I'm being a homebody and even if I do go out, I'm not really talking to people, but anything could happen, really. My eyes are open and my heart is open. I have to still believe that someone too, will love me for who I am, and not only what they see on the outside or what they think about me after only giving me 2 minutes of their time. I take warming up to. I am more loyal to my current friends than a golden retriever, but cautious to make new ones until I know what I'm up against, who's in for the long haul, and who might flee the second they find their soulmate. I know a lot of people who enjoy talking to anyone and everyone. They love finding out their story, and that's great! More power to them! I'm glad they are out there. They need to be. I'm definitely willing to talk to people I don't know on occasion (thus how it's possible I currently have friends), but I may need an internal push from myself or a sign telling me I'm ready and there's a reason this person needs to be in my life in some way, shape, or form.
I guess I'm kind of being vague or I'm just talking about the obvious. But when it comes down to it, what I'm not going to change is all the little indescribable workings inside me that makeup who I am. I hate being told to change my mindset. I hate that I'm made to feel like there's something inside me, that makes me who I am, that I need to change, in order for someone else, to come into my life and walk alongside me, meaning that I'm "not ready" for a realationship. Only I know if I'm ready or not. I am completely OK with who I am inside. I don't need to change a thing. I try my best everyday, to believe that there is somebody out there that will want to be with me and love me for all the little things that makeup me and who I am! Because guess what? I will compromise and adapt for someone for sure when it comes to what we do or where we live, but who I am deep inside will never change. I am Christie. Hear me roar.

"Happiness is an unexpected hug."

I read that statement on a friend's Facebook status this morning. I'm gonna say she didn't come up with it, because it was in quotes...unless she was quoting herself, but nonetheless, it's an awesome quote and I wish I had come up with it myself! I LOVE hugs. Like love them love them. I didn't realize how much I loved them until my good friend Jen started to give me the tightest hugs known to man. When we worked together, I used to seek her out just for a hug...well and to talk to her because she is one of the nicest people on this earth, but her hugs were like crack to me. I miss not getting them as often...Most people give real lame ass hugs. Like a side hug with a light pat on the bag. I'd rather get no hug than a lame wimpy one. But I'm not one to hug just anyone. Ya gotta be a really good friend of mine to get a good hug from me. And some people aren't huggers, so you gotta weigh them out. I get massages because I don't get enough hugs. I've started hugging my babies I work with and kissing their fat little cheeks as much as I can; the ones that will let me and whose parents I know would be okay with that. It does help a little, but their bodies are so teeny tiny, so it's not like a big person's hug. But today, I got one of those unexpected hugs. And it made my day. It was from a 2 year old boy with Down Syndrome. He hugged his playmate who also had down syndrome and then me! And it was actually a good hug. A real hug. I love that at 2 years old, he already knows how to give good hugs. For a while until babies learn how to do it the right way, they just lean towards you, with their mouths open for what is their version of a kiss, and sorta just lean their bodies in for a hug. They want you to hug them. And I do. Big bear hugs if I can get them. It's very rare to have one of my babies hug me. It filled my heart with joy and happiness.

Sometimes hugs are hard to come by. I found out tonight that a new voice, singing a sweet song, can be a "hug" in its own way. At a coffeeshop tonight, I heard this girl sing, whose voice was like iced tea on a warm Texas summer night. She looked like Emma Stone and sounded like Norah Jones. But not exactly like her. She had her own special qualities that made her stand out. I stood there with my mouth open, because she was pretty unbelievable and I was surprised to hear she didn't have an album, and was so humble in person about her voice, like she had no idea how amazing she was. I told her- I look forward to hearing your album someday. I guess I could've said- your voice is like an unexpected hug...but I don't think she would've gotten it...

yoga possibilities

I just love it when people tell me what I can and can't do, or should or shouldn't do. Or what I feel, how I should act, how I should think, like they know what is going on in my head. I just love it. I'm a stubborn person ( I get it from both my Mom and Dad, so really I had no hope), AND I'm sarcastic, if you couldn't tell from that first line. That is a great combination, let me tell you. You tell me to do something, I argue or ask why and then I do the opposite. This only happens when I'm pushed to the limit though. I wasn't like this as a child. I followed the rules in all the ways and I was a good kid, the oldest and responsible. I'm not all that sarcastic in person really; I can be, when again, pushed to far. I like to push the line sometimes. See how far I can go with friends sometimes, but I'm cautious mostly. In person with new people, I am quiet and reserved. I listen to people. I let them tell me their opinion and mostly I agree with them, if it warrants that they are looking to be agreed with. But when it comes to me and my life, who I am, what I can and can't do; no one can tell me if I only change my mindset or think positively or be patient, or happy or jolly or sneezy, or any of the dwarfs really...THEN and only then, I will be ready for someone to come into my life in relationship form. That only pushes me to the edge, depresses me and makes me feel inadequate that I can't be someone if I'm not those things 24/7, and thus the only logical ending is that I die alone. I don't accept that. I know myself pretty well...I have been me for 31 years now and have been alone for 90% of it, so I've spent a lot of time with me.  I'm not being negative when I say I can't put my long leg over my head and twist my body 90 degrees, or if I say I know I would be happier sharing life with someone on a daily basis, in a committed, intimate relationship. I'm not wrong on that. I didn't say I'd be happy every second of every day for the next 50 years together, but yes, I would be happier than doing EVERYTHING alone. I do all the things I love and I AM happy doing them, but I would be even more happy doing them with someone that loves me the most-est. I go out to eat, to the movies, to musicals, to concerts, even on vacations, all alone. Christie party of one is my status most weekends. Sure married friends can hang out on week days but most weekends are couple time. I know where they are and where they want to be Saturday nights, and that place isn't a 3rd party kinda place...if ya know what I mean. wink wink. But anyways, no pity party for me! I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want (ya know outside of work hours). And that my friends, is fucking awesome. What I can't do, is spoon myself in bed or kiss myself, or lay on top of myself, but no one can do that alone...I know I'm not the only one missing this.
But back to yoga. Or did I land on yoga yet?? Yoga is funny. I feel like I'm being tortured for information 99% of the time and I swear when she says "smile," I wanna punch her in the face. If she's looking at me, I fake a half smile, which I'm sure looks like the saddest excuse for a smile, but it's what I can do. I love the way I feel after and at the end when we finally relax and she does this positive talk to us and the goddess in me bows to her and we namaste-it up. That, and the ability to sit on the floor better without my back killing me (which is essential in my line of work with the babes), is WHY I do yoga. But there are definitely poses she asks us to do, that I scoff at and say "yeah right" under my breath for. Again, I know myself and what I can do. Some poses I know I can do, but just don't want to do in that moment, but there are others that are physically impossible for me, and I'm totally cool with that. I don't do yoga to impress the other yoga-ites in class or the teacher (who I think is awesome at what she does, by the way). I do it for me! And that's awesome. I do it to continually challenge myself physically, since lifting weights and Zumba or some other ridiculous dance class are out of the question for me.
I'm getting more comfortable being who I am. A girl who's a sucker for romance, not the cheesy "The Notebook" romance with a dozen red roses or jewelry and I don't like candy hardly at all. That would just go to waste on me. I'm a quirky romantic. I'm a Pam and Jim groupie. If it meant something to us, I would love a hot sauce packet, or a miniature pencil from putt putt golf. Or a silly card or homemade item of any kind. My favorite movies are Garden State, Away we Go, 500 days of Summer. But now I feel I'm just listing things...
The point it, there is no point! No, the point is be yourself and don't change for anyone but yourself. If you feel that you need to work on something, work on it, but as long as who you are or what you are doing is not hurting someone else, then just BE! And that's my 2 cents. Only you know you best, so love yourself the best you know how, and let others love you to, when they enter your life. And if you're like me and just want your friends to listen to you instead of offer advice, tell them! Or tell them in blog form...For me, when I really want advice, I will ask "what should I do?" directly. But I know that I'm a good listener to my friends, and sometimes I just need a friend to listen to me and not tell me what I should do or how I need to change my mindset or whatever.My mind is what it is! And it's a great mind. it's a beautiful mind...but not in a weird creepy way...at least not most of the time...
And there's so more pennies for ya!

I leave you again with a quote:

From the new show The Mindy Project- " Maybe I won't get married. Ya know? Maybe I'll do one of those Eat Pray Love things. Ugh. No. I don't want to pray. Forget it. I'll just die alone."

Don't ever forget- there are always many characters from TV shows that you can commiserate with! You are not alone!

And so it goes...

It's funny. For me at least, I was raised to believe in God as The Father, The creator of the Universe and Jesus, his son, died for our sins so that we can be with him in Heaven. AND among many other things, Jesus said in Matthew 21:21 "Then Jesus told them, ' I assure you, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can even say to this mountain- may God lift you up and throw you into the sea, and it will happen. If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Now even as a child I don't think I truly believed this, and children believe everything! How could a mountain that's been there for millions of years (or I guess at that point in time when Jesus said it, maybe not that long), unearth itself and fling itself into the sea? At least without alien space guns involved. It's too impossible to fathom. And for me I think that finding that ONE person to spend my life with in sickness and health, till death do us part, out of the billion people that exist on planet earth (not really looking for an alien partner, although they kick ass in movies), seems about as likely as Pikes Peak being torn off Colorado Springs and throw into some lake somewhere, since there's no oceans around. But if we're talking about this really happening, then I'm sure it can fly hundreds of miles to the nearest ocean, wherever that might be...I'm not good at geography. I only know north, south, east and west when I lived in Colorado Springs because the mountain range served as my compass.
But back to beliefs. Believing in God and Jesus is as innate in me as believing that the sky is blue and we need oxygen to breathe. I was raised in the church since I was born, so just like all the other things we learn as a child- an orange is orange and a cow says moo...it's true facts to me. But when I'm introduced to a totally new way of thinking, that involves an imaginary source of power, energy, light, wavelengths, whatever it is, that the Universe is providing but yet somehow I'm in charge of based on how positive or focused I think, you might as well be speaking to me in Chinese. Even if I had a translator, I still wouldn't be able to pick up on a word I heard before, like I can do with Spanish. Spanish has letters and sounds that I'm capable of making with my mouth...Chinese does not. I feel like I haven't got a clue what's going on. I'm not even sure how to process it all. It's so foreign to me, or maybe I'm too old to learn something like this. I'm set in my ways. I've already learned an orange is orange. So if you painted an orange blue and said now an orange is blue, I wouldn't believe it. I would say, it's just painted. But I'm getting off topic. I WANT to believe that God or the Universe or someone somewhere is directing me on a pathway and in charge. I certainly am not. What's really hard is when you feel your life isn't moving as quickly as you had hoped. You start to feel forgotten, left out, lost and alone. AND in my case, like it's something I'M doing. I'M not positive enough. I'M not sending out the right signals to the Universe. I'M not focusing my energy in just the right spot. OR on the God side of things- I'M not praying hard enough or I'M not a good enough Christian to deserve a like-minded Christian. (I'm a liberal Christian, FYI, I think we're few and far between. There's me..and Kristin Chenoweth).
Whatever the case may be, life is a journey. I am where I am. I am WHO I am. No one person is going to change me, but I can chill, live life, do my job, take care of my friends, spend time with my family, just BE. And who knows what will come from that. I'm not going to magically ever be okay being single without  someone to spend my life with. It's how I was made. I think it's how we were all made, but some people (for whatever reasons they might have), decide or accept that they won't find someone. I don't know anything about that because I'm not one of these people. But I believe some people choose to be alone or don't take advantage of that person right in front of them asking them to love them...sorry I digressed into a Julia Roberts movie...whether God or the Universe is listening or helping me or pointing me in the right direction, is beyond me, really. Again this blog isn't about answers. I can just do all that I can do, (like the list I provided), and maybe one day someone will join me on this crazy roller coaster ride of life. If not...I'll just get a dog...

I leave you with this quote from an episode of "Bored to Death" I just so happened to watch today. The main character Jonathan was talking about how visualizing helped him in this situation he was in and he did something he has never done before, nor could he have ever imagined doing, and Ted Danson's characters response, made me laugh: Jonathan: "...it's about visualizing delusional things and then believing in them." George- "but isn't that schizophrenia??"

Disclaimer:
I like this blog because it gives me the freedom to express without rebuttal. I mean, I guess people could comment, but I'm not here to get into some deep psychological debate over the meaning of life or existence of God or the Universe's power or whatever. This is my contemplations. Not answers. So please ponder, but unless you agree or have something positive to add, best to keep your opinions to yourself. wink wink. Thank you kindly.

Universal Desire

Everyone wants one thing. LOVE. Everyone receives and gives love differently. If you find that match; that other person that receives the love you give with joy and happiness and you in turn also like the love they give, well then, you're one very lucky duck. Or other animal of your choosing. Confused yet? This is only the beginning.
If you grew up in the church, in a Christian setting, you might believe that "God answers prayers." That "God performs miracles." And you might be very right in that thinking. And that's a great thing to believe; especially when things go your way. But what if they don't? Are you being punished? Are you not being heard? Are you forgotten? Maybe God put you on his TO-DO list but you got bumped to the bottom, or deleted by God' dog pushing on keyboard buttons with his paws, because he was trying to get God's attention. Like all of us mortals on earth are.
There's another spiritual realm of thinking that says "The Universe" will give us what we ask for. When we visualize it. When we put out good vibes. Focus on what we really want. Put all our energy into a single thought or a single desire. You can get anything you want. And if that "thing" is a new bike, an XBOX or something tangible like that. I'm sure if you are always focusing on it, you will end up working towards obtaining that object, one way or another. Or the universe will surprise you with it as a gift.
But what if this "ONE thing" was another human being? and that human being could be male or female? They could be living anywhere in the world right now. The stars would have to align and that person would have to be in your direct pathway, either physically or electronically (which is how it goes nowadays). And they would have to be ready for a relationship, and would have to be also intune to the signs the Universe is giving and have their eyes open and take advantage of that moment with that person. In this case that person is me. I am keeping my eyes peeled, but so far, the other person is either hiding or hanging out in Japan somewhere. Either that, or the people I've met are not listening to the signs of the Universe and even though we've met, they didn't take the cues, and have missed out on knowing one of the greatest people on this planet. haha just kidding. I haven't met everyone on the planet, how am I to know who's the greatest?
What is most frustrating is seeing people around you constantly meeting "their one," and feeling like the kid picked last at dodgeball. Well actually, the kid not picked at all, because nobody saw him standing there. He maybe felt like he was a ghost. Can anybody see me?? And with these people who have found their better half it is SO easy for them to say- "you'll find the one," "if you stop looking you'll be surprised who shows up." "You gotta just be happy being single, love yourself, don't worry about meeting someone. they'll never make you happy." But wait! isn't the reason you are with someone in a marriage relationship or dating relationship, is because they make you happy, in the long run?? Of course not every minute of every day, that's insane and impossible. But if they truly never ever made you happy, you wouldn't be dating them in the first place, or living with them and you certainly wouldn't be married to them. Of course a partner makes you happy! If not, then yeah, be by youself! I have a ton of fun with myself and am happy doing everything I want, when I want and partaking in all the things I love and care about. But I definitely would be happier having someone to talk to on a saturday night in bed, or first thing in the morning when you still have morning breath. I know this to be true because I have been in relationships before, and I have been very happy, and I have thouroughly enjoyed those relationships...thus, why I was in them.
I'm not going to delve into how to find this person, this love or whatever. not tonight. and if I had that answer, I would be with someone on this beautiful saturday night, and not at home starting a blog. But this blog isn't for answers. It's for contemplations, musings, wonderments.
I'm aknowledging that I believe the greatest desire of human beings is to be loved. Maybe for some, a friend, a father, a mother, even a dog or cat is enough. For me, I need that physical love. that skin on skin contact with another human person. that hand to hold. that big and little spoon. That attention, connection and overall being heard-ness, that a friend just can't provide on a daily basis, or in my case not even on a weekly basis. I need face to face eye contact. Text just will not do. I'm not a child of the digital age. Our poor children...I hope they don't turn into robots who don't know how to talk to people in person, and can't love with body language, instead using their current means, which is letter abbreviations that stand for actual words.

Well, that's all for now. Not that I'm done talking. I just feel that this post is already too long and once people see that, they'll probably go "yeah, not gonna read all that." But this is Christie's Contemplations. So it is really for me, Christie. But if anybody else takes something from it, then by golly, that's awesome. Until next time...
(oh. and the profile pic is me contemplating as to why I put sponge rollers in my hair?? or I had just woken up. who's to really know for sure??)