One of the biggest truths about life I've learned (at least about my own, I can't speak for everyone else's, I never do, that's why this blog is called "Christie's Contemplations) is that those moments when you feel like you can't take it anymore, when you feel so incredibly lonely and sad and deprived of the love you so desperately want. Those moments don't last forever. They do come back, sometime more often than you like, but even when I feel beaten down and unloved and ready to crawl out of my skin because being in it without someone to hold me tight or kiss me passionately feels just wrong, and incomplete and like I might die without someone's touch. Those moments are NOT ALL my moments. The phrase "this too shall pass" isn't completely out there. I think "pass" makes it seem like it can't come back, that's it's passing through on a one-way trip somewhere, never to return. But this longing to be held and kissed and touched by someone that loves me intimately and passionately and doesn't have any intentions to hurt or use me; well, that feeling returns over and over again. It's round-trip, it does a U-turn and comes right back. But it doesn't always come back quickly. It doesn't always come back at record breaking speeds. It can sneak attack me, it can go school speed limit slow, it can vacation somewhere for a week or more and then decide it's time to leave wherever it was, and come back to visit me again. But I've learned that it's ok. It is life and I can't do a whole hell of a lot to stop it from returning over and over again. I feel like big picture wise, I can't do anything to "change" my situation of perpetual singleness, and since hiring a prostitute to come over is never and will never be an option, I have to just learn to "get through" this moments where I just want to cry from lack of love. Rocking like an orphan who has never been held before, doesn't even work anymore. There is no cure for lack of physical intimacy, but there are some treatments that can be a bandaid for what only surgery can cure. The main one being forking out a little money on groupon for a massage. You always get a different person/business, so there's not even that consistency of that same person in your life, but at least it doesn't break the bank, and the more I can get, the better. And would I really want the same masseuse every time anyway? Nothing good could come from getting attached to your masseuse. TV shows and movies help too, because they provide a distraction in that moment. They take you to another place, another world, another life that isn't your own. It's an escape that I think in the grand scheme of things is way healthier than using drugs, alcohol, food or even sex itself as a distraction from what you really want and need. You have to be careful sometimes of what you watch, but luckily I don't really "envy" the lives of the characters on my shows. Because obviously something is going wrong in their lives, or it would be one boring show. Now the kisses and such. Aah. whatever. I'm 32, so I've seen enough of them in my lifetime that it hardly phases me anymore. It's like a Gynecologist. It's like an elbow to me. (I'm going to pretend like that made sense and move on...)
Writing is also a great means of expression and distraction. I always feel better after I send out my blog to the Universe. Whether the Universe or God Himself truly cares if I find love...well, I just don't really know about that. The jury's still out on that one. But it makes ME feel better to have my words out of my head and heart and body and thrust out into the great beyond. Somebody in Saudi Arabia could be reading this blog. Probably not, but it's possible. And they are probably shaking their head at my sad little problems. But oh well. He can start his own blog and call it whatever he wants. Like "what is this Christie girl's problem?"
I also really love making stuff. That's a general term that has no real meaning, but that's because there's no way to really explain all the things I make in one term. Maybe creations?? I put that down as where I feel safe (the other day at the young adult bible study group) "my house with my cat and my creations." Looking back it kind of sounded like I was Frankenstein and didn't really explain what "creations" actually meant. One recent example is I got this small decoupage woman's dress form mannequin and painted it and put all kinds of stickers with words and pictures describing the type of woman I want for my life, to be my love. Words like: trust, teammates, forever, smart, cute, funny and happy. It's sitting right here next to me, on my desk next to a small vase of beautiful fake (but very real looking) flowers. Every collage or creation I make, has my heart in it. It is all of who I am, of what I love, and of what means the most to me in this life. Without the ability to make all of these things, I would be on the verge of bursting out of my shell or the opposite would happen; I would shut down completely and give up totally. Thank God I live where there are Michael's and JoAnn's Fabrics around.
I feel that when I bring up how I am feeling about all this, to my friends, I don't really get a response back from them. They don't feel "bad" for me, or even just say they understand what that feels like and that it must be hard. It's like they don't even "get it," this extreme need and desire and longing I have, to have my physical human contact needs met by that one person I'm connected to emotionally (by the way, not a stranger or someone I just met, or a friend that is only going to ever be a friend). Maybe they are too uncomfortable to talk about it, or maybe it's just they can't relate at all. They can't even remember what it feels like to not have that in their life. They have been held at night in bed for years. They were kissed this morning. They hold hands with their husbands anytime they are walking down the street. I think once you have that, you can't remember what it feels like not to. It's like it's all been erased. It's like the opposite of what happens in "Eternal sunshine for the spotless mind." Great movie by the way. I watched it far too long ago, when I was young and couldn't relate to it at all...I need to watch it again...But I remember she erased him from her memories. Never to remember both the good and bad of him and their life together. The opposite happens when you meet someone and finally have all that "stuff." Sure all that "stuff" becomes less and less intense and passionate I'm sure. But that's why marriages are work and not prizes to be won and lotteries so big it's impossible to spend all that money in one lifetime. I'm not saying that physical touch in love will make everything perfect in your life, that it's some kind of be all end all. But it's still really really nice to have. It's more than nice. It's life giving. It's stress reducing. It's physically calming the nervous system and has a ton of health benefits. If it didn't, then people probably wouldn't touch each other ever. What would be the point if it didn't feel good? And I'm not talking about sex here. This whole blog has NOT been some "skirt around the word, but in reality all I really want here is sex". Of course I want that too, I'm not a eunuch. But I'm honestly only talking about being held, kissed, holding hands and long hugs here people. Seriously. So get your minds outta the gutter. But don't worry I'll gladly take all that other stuff too...in the right moment. This list of things I've mentioned, mean more to me than everything that is included in the word "sex."
So in conclusion. I'm probably more the exception than the rule, when it comes to all this physical intimacy stuff. Taken from what I gather in movies and the hook ups I'm sure evolve from sites like okcupid, I don't work like most people do. Kissing whoever and hooking up with people they've just met over a drink at some bar. Sure it's been over 7 years since I've been kissed. Sure that kind of pisses me off, to tell you the truth. But I could never just kiss someone I just met a second ago. I saw this video this artist did, asking 2 strangers to meet and pretty much go straight into kissing. I couldn't do it. At least I don't think I could. What if they have mono?? It was surprising that in some of the couples, the kiss turned long and an actual spark seemed to have occurred. For me, I only want to kiss someone I feel really connected to, emotionally, from hours of talking (at the very least and most likely over many dates). There has to be an attraction on both sides, a desire from both sides. I was asked first or did the asking, in my kissing experiences. I'm not above skipping the asking and going for what is obviously wanted on both sides...anyway, I feel like this blog has taken a turn...probably time to call it quits. Guess it's a testament to where my mind is...if you're in a desert without water, don't you mirage a pond??
I would never tell anyone what to do, how to live their life, when to engage in hand holding or sex. I read people really well, so whose to say I wouldn't meet a girl and kiss her on the first date? If it warranted it, I would! If that ever happens, they'll be a long blog describing every detail. I'm kidding! They'll just be a blog where I will be saying one thing, but actually meaning another. I'll be talking about "pizza" but "pizza" will really mean "kissing." So keep an eye out for that blog..."Christie, the pizza connoisseur" will take on a totally different meaning...
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Social experiments...I mean experiences. Part 2
So thus far we have old people and rude people, right? Well there's nothing wrong with old people, I'm just not looking to date them or become besties with them, although I'm sure they're nice people...
So I continue to try more things in the months into 2013.
To jog my memory on all the crazy fun people I've met and gotten to experience, I went to my text messages, from the friend that told me to write all this down. Now I work with a lot of let's just say "interesting" people. I can't really write about them fully, for fear that I'd get in trouble some how, breaking confidentiality or something like that. But I have to tell this story. Since I go to homes and work with families, sometimes the moms get a little too comfortable and sometimes get a little too involved in my life or offer "suggestions" of sorts. You know because I'm still single and I need a man to make my life complete. But this lady's helpful tip takes the cake: All I need is to be inseminated by a 'smart guy,' and I'll have that baby I'm apparently missing from my life. And I don't even have to pay money at some clinic. I just have to put out applications and then tell the guy to close his eyes, or I can use her brother, because apparently he's a 'smart cookie.' Yep. So I'm totally not making that up, and she was totally serious about all that. People are...let's say unique. And that's what's so great about them. Never a dull moment. Maybe it's my job that wears me out on having to use my social skills on a wide variety of truly different and sometimes difficult people, or maybe I just like dogs and cats more, but I do prefer to be home a lot of the time, rather than navigating the waves of the social scenes of a group, much less at a bar or club. I have been to the local and only lesbian bar. Well actually now there's 2, the second one being way more casual and if I had to choose, I'd go there and sit on the roof couches quietly observing people. I feel like I read people way too well. A causality of my job, learning what you can and can't say and treading lightly and reacting to all types of people, who honestly have pretty stressful lives, compared to mine. I've learned it's best to just listen. Actually that's something I've been really good at my entire life. Growing up I was the world's best listener to all my friends. But it came at a price, because I felt like they never asked me how I was doing or ever wanted to hear what I had to say. Looking back that was probably just typical teen girls. Teens are very self-involved. But just because I was quiet and trustworthy and a very loyal friend, doesn't mean that I didn't have anything to say on my own. I did speak up once about it at a retreat, with my whole group of friends there. I think everyone was stunned into silence that I talked so much at one time. But I was grateful to have friends, mostly being in my youth group at church. I wasn't by any means popular, but I did have friends and was included with them, for the most part, and that was a wonderful thing for a shy teen girl.
There was one time where I had the opposite problem. I had too much attention and had a close group of friends that I hung out with all the time, and this was not in college. I had the most friends I ever had at one given time, when I was in college. It was one of the best times of my life. But the other best time of my life was when I lived in Colorado. I moved there all alone and didn't know anyone. I remember pretty soon after moving there I went to this church's young adult group. And it just so happened that it was the Sunday that they were starting up small groups and a leader from each group was pitching and promoting theirs. It wasn't a hard sell, because the second that guy quoted Napoleon Dynamite saying that if we came to their group " all of our dreams would come true," I knew that that group was for me. And it was. A great mix of guys and gals. I made a best friend for awhile through them. I dated a guy when we merged with his group later. One of the funniest and only times I felt not only "not invisible" to guys, but also "fought" for, was on my 25th birthday. We were all at my apartment having a party and watching Napoleon Dynamite (of course), and I had one guy on either side of me, literally each one trying to out quote the other throughout the whole movie. Like it was a war for my love, whoever knew more, won me. I also had had 2 dates, one with each of them, on the 2 days leading up to my birthday. If you know me you would know that this is unheard of! It was like a Twilight who will she choose conundrum...way before Twilight existed. I was only interested in one of them, so it was made clear quickly and painlessly. Well I hope so. I didn't even realize the other guy liked me until he took me to a steak restaurant for my birthday and had flowers delivered by the waiter to our table! It's still one of the very very few, romantic things anyone has ever done for me. He's married now, so it worked out great for him anyway. But that was one of my better and happier social experiences. Ain't attention grand??!
Well sometimes attention is grand. It felt nice to be liked by 2 guys at the same time. But when you're a brand new baby to a world that you know nothing about, and a girl tells the whole group at a church Coming out workshop that you're dating, when you didn't even know you were. That kind of attention is a little on the awkward side. It was probably all me. I've never really dated. I was boyfriend/girlfriend with my 2 guys straight away. It was a friends and then we're dating, situation. People use the term dating, in the literal sense I guess. That you are going out on a date with that person. I had agreed to a date, but I actual thought it was a hang out thing, and being completely new to this whole girl thing, I didn't even realize it was real. I thought you hang out until someone asks to truly "date" you or be your girlfriend. So when she says "well I'm dating this one" and thumb points to me, I almost started to look around to see who she was pointing to. Unfortunately it scared me away to maybe giving her a real chance. We had hung out in groups and we went on a date on valentines day, (should've been obvious right), but I didn't see us being more than friends. She was like Valedictorian smart, and I guess it intimidated me. And even though she tried to back track and say she wanted to just be friends and that she really needed a friend, that didn't end up being the case, because she found a girlfriend almost immediately afterwards, and I never saw her again. I could've used a friend. But 'tis life. I did make one friend out of all these social get togethers and what nots. I met a guy in the same coming out workshop that just so happened to live 4 houses down! So we get the opportunity to hang out more than most. It's kinda like how it was in college. When people lived with you or 2 feet away. Good times...
Now I did go to a happy hour a time or two. At this one I was super proud of myself for making the rounds around the room, head held high and showing off my black skinny jeans, and how great I look in them. But again, I don't drink, so I don't really fit in there at all. I gave all those venues at least 5 tries, so it's not like I'm not giving it my all. I am looking forward to this new young adult church group. It's what I'm used to. My whole childhood/college/beyond, has always been that socialization and possibly dating opportunities are only found in a church setting (or a Baylor Christian social group, which is the same thing). So here's hoping that magic strikes again!
Well, since no more interesting social experiences are jumping out at me, I guess this blog has reached it's end. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, and I'm sure there are more to come, but until then keep on truckn', right??!
So I continue to try more things in the months into 2013.
To jog my memory on all the crazy fun people I've met and gotten to experience, I went to my text messages, from the friend that told me to write all this down. Now I work with a lot of let's just say "interesting" people. I can't really write about them fully, for fear that I'd get in trouble some how, breaking confidentiality or something like that. But I have to tell this story. Since I go to homes and work with families, sometimes the moms get a little too comfortable and sometimes get a little too involved in my life or offer "suggestions" of sorts. You know because I'm still single and I need a man to make my life complete. But this lady's helpful tip takes the cake: All I need is to be inseminated by a 'smart guy,' and I'll have that baby I'm apparently missing from my life. And I don't even have to pay money at some clinic. I just have to put out applications and then tell the guy to close his eyes, or I can use her brother, because apparently he's a 'smart cookie.' Yep. So I'm totally not making that up, and she was totally serious about all that. People are...let's say unique. And that's what's so great about them. Never a dull moment. Maybe it's my job that wears me out on having to use my social skills on a wide variety of truly different and sometimes difficult people, or maybe I just like dogs and cats more, but I do prefer to be home a lot of the time, rather than navigating the waves of the social scenes of a group, much less at a bar or club. I have been to the local and only lesbian bar. Well actually now there's 2, the second one being way more casual and if I had to choose, I'd go there and sit on the roof couches quietly observing people. I feel like I read people way too well. A causality of my job, learning what you can and can't say and treading lightly and reacting to all types of people, who honestly have pretty stressful lives, compared to mine. I've learned it's best to just listen. Actually that's something I've been really good at my entire life. Growing up I was the world's best listener to all my friends. But it came at a price, because I felt like they never asked me how I was doing or ever wanted to hear what I had to say. Looking back that was probably just typical teen girls. Teens are very self-involved. But just because I was quiet and trustworthy and a very loyal friend, doesn't mean that I didn't have anything to say on my own. I did speak up once about it at a retreat, with my whole group of friends there. I think everyone was stunned into silence that I talked so much at one time. But I was grateful to have friends, mostly being in my youth group at church. I wasn't by any means popular, but I did have friends and was included with them, for the most part, and that was a wonderful thing for a shy teen girl.
There was one time where I had the opposite problem. I had too much attention and had a close group of friends that I hung out with all the time, and this was not in college. I had the most friends I ever had at one given time, when I was in college. It was one of the best times of my life. But the other best time of my life was when I lived in Colorado. I moved there all alone and didn't know anyone. I remember pretty soon after moving there I went to this church's young adult group. And it just so happened that it was the Sunday that they were starting up small groups and a leader from each group was pitching and promoting theirs. It wasn't a hard sell, because the second that guy quoted Napoleon Dynamite saying that if we came to their group " all of our dreams would come true," I knew that that group was for me. And it was. A great mix of guys and gals. I made a best friend for awhile through them. I dated a guy when we merged with his group later. One of the funniest and only times I felt not only "not invisible" to guys, but also "fought" for, was on my 25th birthday. We were all at my apartment having a party and watching Napoleon Dynamite (of course), and I had one guy on either side of me, literally each one trying to out quote the other throughout the whole movie. Like it was a war for my love, whoever knew more, won me. I also had had 2 dates, one with each of them, on the 2 days leading up to my birthday. If you know me you would know that this is unheard of! It was like a Twilight who will she choose conundrum...way before Twilight existed. I was only interested in one of them, so it was made clear quickly and painlessly. Well I hope so. I didn't even realize the other guy liked me until he took me to a steak restaurant for my birthday and had flowers delivered by the waiter to our table! It's still one of the very very few, romantic things anyone has ever done for me. He's married now, so it worked out great for him anyway. But that was one of my better and happier social experiences. Ain't attention grand??!
Well sometimes attention is grand. It felt nice to be liked by 2 guys at the same time. But when you're a brand new baby to a world that you know nothing about, and a girl tells the whole group at a church Coming out workshop that you're dating, when you didn't even know you were. That kind of attention is a little on the awkward side. It was probably all me. I've never really dated. I was boyfriend/girlfriend with my 2 guys straight away. It was a friends and then we're dating, situation. People use the term dating, in the literal sense I guess. That you are going out on a date with that person. I had agreed to a date, but I actual thought it was a hang out thing, and being completely new to this whole girl thing, I didn't even realize it was real. I thought you hang out until someone asks to truly "date" you or be your girlfriend. So when she says "well I'm dating this one" and thumb points to me, I almost started to look around to see who she was pointing to. Unfortunately it scared me away to maybe giving her a real chance. We had hung out in groups and we went on a date on valentines day, (should've been obvious right), but I didn't see us being more than friends. She was like Valedictorian smart, and I guess it intimidated me. And even though she tried to back track and say she wanted to just be friends and that she really needed a friend, that didn't end up being the case, because she found a girlfriend almost immediately afterwards, and I never saw her again. I could've used a friend. But 'tis life. I did make one friend out of all these social get togethers and what nots. I met a guy in the same coming out workshop that just so happened to live 4 houses down! So we get the opportunity to hang out more than most. It's kinda like how it was in college. When people lived with you or 2 feet away. Good times...
Now I did go to a happy hour a time or two. At this one I was super proud of myself for making the rounds around the room, head held high and showing off my black skinny jeans, and how great I look in them. But again, I don't drink, so I don't really fit in there at all. I gave all those venues at least 5 tries, so it's not like I'm not giving it my all. I am looking forward to this new young adult church group. It's what I'm used to. My whole childhood/college/beyond, has always been that socialization and possibly dating opportunities are only found in a church setting (or a Baylor Christian social group, which is the same thing). So here's hoping that magic strikes again!
Well, since no more interesting social experiences are jumping out at me, I guess this blog has reached it's end. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, and I'm sure there are more to come, but until then keep on truckn', right??!
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Social experiments...I mean experiences
A close friend of mine once told me that I need to write down all these social outings, meetings, experiences that I was telling her about. She told me I could write a book about all these sometimes crazy, but always interesting experiences I've had with people. I think I do need to write them down, because I don't know when I'll have a whole bunch more to tell. I am an introvert by nature. I am often shy and quiet, especially in groups. Now one on one with a close friend, I have to keep myself from talking the whole time. That's what spending most of your free time alone, with a cat, does to you I guess. I guess I go through sprurts of trying to meet people and trying new groups and such. I am beginning that again with a new "young adult" group at church, that's actually including 30s now, so I am allowed to attend. It's all girls so far, which is way promising. wink wink.
But I wanted to talk about a period of time where I was having a lot of really weird experiences with people, all right in a row. I would tell my friend about each one as they would happen, and that's when she told me I needed to start writing them down! I still remember them all. Even if I don't necessarily want to.
This started back in around June of 2012. May was an interesting month, to say the least. (Now I won't say anyone's names in these storytellings, but if you figure it out for some weird reason, well that's not my fault. You must be psychic or something, or that person is you). May was intense and life altering and just all around crazy for a girl who had lived her whole entire almost 31 years of life, thinking one thing. And that one thing was, marry a man and you'll live happily ever after. I blame the Disney movies on that one. No, really it's just how I was raised and what I was around every single day of my life. All my friends were girls, and they all wanted and pursued finding that one guy. And honestly every single one of them found it. I really didn't think boys or movie stars were "hot." Guys in genral just made no sense to me, and I was too shy and quiet to be noticed anyway by them. The guy my best friend in High School asked for me to take me to prom, so we could all go together, I later in life found out that he was gay. So if that doesn't tell you something...he was actually the only guy I even ever really talked to and would sort of call a friend, in high school. He was nice to me. I was mostly just invisible to guys. And besides wanting to be like all my friends, and longing to know what it felt like to be kissed, I was ok with hanging out with just my girl friends all the time. Just to be clear if any of them ever read this, I never had feelings like that for them ever. Which brings me back to the beginning of May. I was texting literally all day every day with a friend, that was really a friend of a friend. But I developed feelings I had never had for a girl before. It was short lived though. Because by the end of May, she was here in the flesh, and all the plans we had made via text to hang out, go to a movie, dinner ect, well not one of them happened. I was crushed. Which was sort of lame, since we weren't dating or anything. But you really shouldn't bail on a friend when you make plans anyway. It's all good now, we're friends again and she knows everything about what happened, and is cool with it, and apologized for being a douche and bailing on me. But at the time I hit rock bottom because I didn't know what was going on with me, and why I was so upset, were these feelings for real? They left, after she did, but it opened a whole new door for me, and that door didn't close, just the feelings for this particular girl did.
So thus began a ton of self reflection, jouraling, book reading, counseling and getting out there and meeting people. Trying to see where to go from here. And thus, a lot of interesting people were met. The first friend I told, has a son that is gay and I knew she'd be cool with it. I couldn't even get the words out, she finished my sentence for me. I was relieved she knew what I was trying to say. She actually went to a writing group with me, that was a lesbian group I had heard about from another group I had went to before. This group was 4 much older and eccentric women, we met in the lobby of a hotel and when I was put on the spot to write something and then read it and the leader told me I didn't really write what was asked, I wanted to be like, "hey writing police! step off!" but I didn't. Writing groups are not for me I guess.
The first group attempt was a "late bloomers group." I blame my well meaning friend for that one. When I told this other close friend, she immediately set to work and googled groups. I mean like we were sitting at Pinkberry and I told her and within minutes she's on her phone looking for groups for me. I have such supportive friends. She found this group that met at La Madeleine's. Shes was like, "we're going." She literally had to pull me out of the car in the parking lot. I did NOT want to go in. But we do, and there's this long table full of silver haired lesbians. They all turn to look at me. We go to sit down and I kid you not, the first thing this lady across from us says to me is "So, you're a lesbian?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. I was stunned into silence. Not only was this my first lesbian group event ever, but I also just didn't know anything for sure yet, and she sure wasn't making me feel very accepted or safe, that's for sure. I don't remember anything from the group other than, that same lady said I looked like the actress Tony Collette, and that I found out about that writing group from them.
The 3 counseling experiences I tried, offered a variety of interesting people. The first, an obvious lesbian lady. I did NOT know this going in, and I was scared away so fast, you'd think she poked me with a hot stick. I actually wanted to get a handle on my depression for years, which stemmed from this great need and desire and this expectation that I HAD to get married, in order to be happy. So when she wanted to talk about my "feelings for girls" it was still so raw and fresh, I wasn't ready for all that and high tailed it out, never to return again. Now the 2nd counseling lady was a Christian counselor. Now she was happy to address the depression, but swept the "girl" issue right under the rug and she didn't want to even discuss it, even though I was starting to want to at this point. I got all my free sessions from my company's EAP (employee assistance program), and promptly left. But like Goldie Locks, I hadn't found what was "just right." Until the 3rd try. A 'pay what you can' counseling center for the LBGT community. It was all grad students from SMU, but I luckily got a really nice girl who made me feel comfortable and helped me a lot with finding my value and self esteem again, and getting me out there in the world meeting people. After her internship was over, they gave me a 12 year old girl who probably had never talked to a gay person or questioning person in her life. She was scared and timid, and looked overwhelmed. I wasn't really up for being her "first" so I graduated myself right on outta there. But I was ready by then anyway. In those 6 months I had joined a gym and was swimming and doing yoga. I had tried a variety of meetup groups and was exploring the lesbian community...at least a little bit.
I love movies, and since I often just go alone, I thought maybe I'll go to some meetup group ones. So I go to this guy's house who has one of these big movie rooms with recliners and a movie projector. I show up and it's like the geriatric parade. People were like in their 70s. I think the closest to my age was probably in their late 50s. I wanted to turn and run, but I'm too polite, so I stayed for one of the movies, which was an awkward, slightly disturbing movie about a girl getting caught up in a cult, and even though they were gonna watch a 2nd movie, I was like peace out.
Another time I went to a movie with a group, and it was that Tom Hanks Atlas movie. Never go to a 3 and a half hour movie with strangers. It was way too long. I would've rather seen it at home. Especially at the part where those Asian girls realize that they've been eating each other. Gross. But bad movie choices aside, I'm always proud of myself for trying, for getting out there. No friends or otherwise were ever made at these outings, but at least I tried.
Then there's the setup. Not necessarily a romantic set up. But more of a friend who says, "why don't you hang out with this girl" (simply based on the fact that she is literally the only lesbian she knew). Now that, my friends, was one of the worst experiences I've had. I somehow was taken hostage by this girl and forced to spend the whole day with her, and go to a bar, simply because I'm young and I'm supposed to enjoy drinking, right? whatever. I hate alcohol. It all tastes burn-y and gross. The day just would not end. It was lunch then ice cream, then bar then dinner with some other friend of hers. I didn't know this girl, other than as an acquaintance in college, yet she somehow felt that she could tell me to my face that I am "weird." She actually said- "you're a little weird aren't you." And while, yes, I am probably weird, I don't want some random girl telling me that. My friends say I'm quirky, and if my girlfriend said it in a "you're cute and weird, I like that" sort of way, well that would be fine. But wait it doesn't stop there! She also told me that her friend at dinner thought I was weird too. Why even tell me that?? I don't know this other girl at all, and could care less what she thinks. By telling me, it was just to hurt me, it served no purpose. But some people are just clueless and careless. And this friend of hers was basing this on the 5 minutes she spent with me. I'm quiet, I'm shy, that doesn't make me weird. I didn't jump up on the table and start tap dancing. I didn't yodel in the restaurant. I wanted to be like F you, girl! But instead I said "ok, well, bye" and jumped out of the car and went into the safety of my home. My world. My cocoon.
I fear this has gotten way too long, and to prevent people from giving up and moving on; this will be a 2 part story of stories. So until we meet again...
But I wanted to talk about a period of time where I was having a lot of really weird experiences with people, all right in a row. I would tell my friend about each one as they would happen, and that's when she told me I needed to start writing them down! I still remember them all. Even if I don't necessarily want to.
This started back in around June of 2012. May was an interesting month, to say the least. (Now I won't say anyone's names in these storytellings, but if you figure it out for some weird reason, well that's not my fault. You must be psychic or something, or that person is you). May was intense and life altering and just all around crazy for a girl who had lived her whole entire almost 31 years of life, thinking one thing. And that one thing was, marry a man and you'll live happily ever after. I blame the Disney movies on that one. No, really it's just how I was raised and what I was around every single day of my life. All my friends were girls, and they all wanted and pursued finding that one guy. And honestly every single one of them found it. I really didn't think boys or movie stars were "hot." Guys in genral just made no sense to me, and I was too shy and quiet to be noticed anyway by them. The guy my best friend in High School asked for me to take me to prom, so we could all go together, I later in life found out that he was gay. So if that doesn't tell you something...he was actually the only guy I even ever really talked to and would sort of call a friend, in high school. He was nice to me. I was mostly just invisible to guys. And besides wanting to be like all my friends, and longing to know what it felt like to be kissed, I was ok with hanging out with just my girl friends all the time. Just to be clear if any of them ever read this, I never had feelings like that for them ever. Which brings me back to the beginning of May. I was texting literally all day every day with a friend, that was really a friend of a friend. But I developed feelings I had never had for a girl before. It was short lived though. Because by the end of May, she was here in the flesh, and all the plans we had made via text to hang out, go to a movie, dinner ect, well not one of them happened. I was crushed. Which was sort of lame, since we weren't dating or anything. But you really shouldn't bail on a friend when you make plans anyway. It's all good now, we're friends again and she knows everything about what happened, and is cool with it, and apologized for being a douche and bailing on me. But at the time I hit rock bottom because I didn't know what was going on with me, and why I was so upset, were these feelings for real? They left, after she did, but it opened a whole new door for me, and that door didn't close, just the feelings for this particular girl did.
So thus began a ton of self reflection, jouraling, book reading, counseling and getting out there and meeting people. Trying to see where to go from here. And thus, a lot of interesting people were met. The first friend I told, has a son that is gay and I knew she'd be cool with it. I couldn't even get the words out, she finished my sentence for me. I was relieved she knew what I was trying to say. She actually went to a writing group with me, that was a lesbian group I had heard about from another group I had went to before. This group was 4 much older and eccentric women, we met in the lobby of a hotel and when I was put on the spot to write something and then read it and the leader told me I didn't really write what was asked, I wanted to be like, "hey writing police! step off!" but I didn't. Writing groups are not for me I guess.
The first group attempt was a "late bloomers group." I blame my well meaning friend for that one. When I told this other close friend, she immediately set to work and googled groups. I mean like we were sitting at Pinkberry and I told her and within minutes she's on her phone looking for groups for me. I have such supportive friends. She found this group that met at La Madeleine's. Shes was like, "we're going." She literally had to pull me out of the car in the parking lot. I did NOT want to go in. But we do, and there's this long table full of silver haired lesbians. They all turn to look at me. We go to sit down and I kid you not, the first thing this lady across from us says to me is "So, you're a lesbian?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing in the world. I was stunned into silence. Not only was this my first lesbian group event ever, but I also just didn't know anything for sure yet, and she sure wasn't making me feel very accepted or safe, that's for sure. I don't remember anything from the group other than, that same lady said I looked like the actress Tony Collette, and that I found out about that writing group from them.
The 3 counseling experiences I tried, offered a variety of interesting people. The first, an obvious lesbian lady. I did NOT know this going in, and I was scared away so fast, you'd think she poked me with a hot stick. I actually wanted to get a handle on my depression for years, which stemmed from this great need and desire and this expectation that I HAD to get married, in order to be happy. So when she wanted to talk about my "feelings for girls" it was still so raw and fresh, I wasn't ready for all that and high tailed it out, never to return again. Now the 2nd counseling lady was a Christian counselor. Now she was happy to address the depression, but swept the "girl" issue right under the rug and she didn't want to even discuss it, even though I was starting to want to at this point. I got all my free sessions from my company's EAP (employee assistance program), and promptly left. But like Goldie Locks, I hadn't found what was "just right." Until the 3rd try. A 'pay what you can' counseling center for the LBGT community. It was all grad students from SMU, but I luckily got a really nice girl who made me feel comfortable and helped me a lot with finding my value and self esteem again, and getting me out there in the world meeting people. After her internship was over, they gave me a 12 year old girl who probably had never talked to a gay person or questioning person in her life. She was scared and timid, and looked overwhelmed. I wasn't really up for being her "first" so I graduated myself right on outta there. But I was ready by then anyway. In those 6 months I had joined a gym and was swimming and doing yoga. I had tried a variety of meetup groups and was exploring the lesbian community...at least a little bit.
I love movies, and since I often just go alone, I thought maybe I'll go to some meetup group ones. So I go to this guy's house who has one of these big movie rooms with recliners and a movie projector. I show up and it's like the geriatric parade. People were like in their 70s. I think the closest to my age was probably in their late 50s. I wanted to turn and run, but I'm too polite, so I stayed for one of the movies, which was an awkward, slightly disturbing movie about a girl getting caught up in a cult, and even though they were gonna watch a 2nd movie, I was like peace out.
Another time I went to a movie with a group, and it was that Tom Hanks Atlas movie. Never go to a 3 and a half hour movie with strangers. It was way too long. I would've rather seen it at home. Especially at the part where those Asian girls realize that they've been eating each other. Gross. But bad movie choices aside, I'm always proud of myself for trying, for getting out there. No friends or otherwise were ever made at these outings, but at least I tried.
Then there's the setup. Not necessarily a romantic set up. But more of a friend who says, "why don't you hang out with this girl" (simply based on the fact that she is literally the only lesbian she knew). Now that, my friends, was one of the worst experiences I've had. I somehow was taken hostage by this girl and forced to spend the whole day with her, and go to a bar, simply because I'm young and I'm supposed to enjoy drinking, right? whatever. I hate alcohol. It all tastes burn-y and gross. The day just would not end. It was lunch then ice cream, then bar then dinner with some other friend of hers. I didn't know this girl, other than as an acquaintance in college, yet she somehow felt that she could tell me to my face that I am "weird." She actually said- "you're a little weird aren't you." And while, yes, I am probably weird, I don't want some random girl telling me that. My friends say I'm quirky, and if my girlfriend said it in a "you're cute and weird, I like that" sort of way, well that would be fine. But wait it doesn't stop there! She also told me that her friend at dinner thought I was weird too. Why even tell me that?? I don't know this other girl at all, and could care less what she thinks. By telling me, it was just to hurt me, it served no purpose. But some people are just clueless and careless. And this friend of hers was basing this on the 5 minutes she spent with me. I'm quiet, I'm shy, that doesn't make me weird. I didn't jump up on the table and start tap dancing. I didn't yodel in the restaurant. I wanted to be like F you, girl! But instead I said "ok, well, bye" and jumped out of the car and went into the safety of my home. My world. My cocoon.
I fear this has gotten way too long, and to prevent people from giving up and moving on; this will be a 2 part story of stories. So until we meet again...
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