An awkward concert

I went to probably the most awkward concert of my life. And it wasn’t bad at all…just awkward, but I’m kind of the Queen of Awkward, so…guess it wasn’t that much of a stretch for me. It didn’t really bother me, I just took note of it. I was excited when I heard Mary Lambert was coming to Dallas. She’s this brave, outspoken, not afraid to share pain, kind of girl. She also happens to be a lesbian. I put the concert on the meet-up concert group, I sometimes set up concerts for. There was only one bite: a lady who is much much older than me. Like older than my Mom. Which obviously wouldn't matter a bit if this was a group thing, but just us? Um no. Not happening. I was kinda mad because I didn’t want this to feel like a date. I didn’t want it to be just us, standing awkwardly next to each other…well I guess we would’ve fit right in, at this particular concert. But I was also like – “this lady’s gonna mess up my game!” The other lesbians in the room are going to think we’re together because she’s standing by me and talking to me! And so they won’t talk to me, and I don’t even know this chick!! Well luckily I was worrying for nothing, because not only did no one speak at this extremely quiet concert, but also she didn’t come, or she didn’t let me know she was there via the message board and neither did I. I got there really late, on purpose. I didn’t really care much for whoever was the opening act. When I got there she was already singing, but I managed to ask a girl that was standing there in the back how long she’d be on and she said that this was her first song. So, perfect timing. I was only able to get an hour in the parking garage because it was free and the only ticket it gave me, despite trying to pay for more hours, so I hoped she’d get in my favorite songs in that hour. She did. But I discovered that while she has an amazing voice and I love her whole “thing”- it’s extremely personal. Experiencing Mary Lambert’s songs is like being in her bedroom, on her bed with her as she cries about her recent break-up and I don’t mean that in a mean or negative way at all. It’s beautiful. But it’s heart-wrenching. It feels like you shouldn’t be there, you shouldn’t be hearing all this. It’s not your place, unless you’re her close friend. There were probably 50 people there. A few straight couples, one gay couple and many lesbian couples. And many single, presumably lesbian women standing all by themselves. If it hadn’t been dark and quiet and Mary hadn’t been doing a spoken word about her ex leaving her and not calling her after her own house burned down, maybe I would’ve spoken to one of them. Eh who am I kidding? I still probably wouldn’t have. I do find it ironically funny though, that as I was getting ready for the concert, I couldn’t figure out what to wear and I was convinced my face was not at all working and make-up wasn’t helping, so I texted a friend- “Ugh I don’t want to go, I’m so fucking ugly. But I guess it’ll be dark so it won’t really matter anyway.” It’s not just funny because I was right, about the dark part. But also out of all the artists I could’ve been going to see, she’s the last person I should’ve been concerned about how I look, when going to her concert. She even does a song about being ok with your body type, how you look, all of that. She’s very anti body-shaming and pro- YOU. She’s a bigger woman herself and she did a spoken word on it that very night. So I laughed to myself later on about how it was so silly of me to say that, particularly not at a Mary Lambert concert. I think she’s beautiful, by the way. So I moved around a lot that one hour I was there. I couldn’t find a good spot to stand. I was either behind an annoying straight couple embracing each other or someone smelling of B.O…oh wait, that was the same guy from the couple. I don’t think I’ve ever moved from the first spot I stood at on the SRO floor of a concert hall, so that was weird and awkward for me. So was standing alone away from people because there was a lot of open space. And so was that spoken word about her recent breakup. But I’d admire her so much for doing it. It obviously helps her tremendously to get it all out like that. It’s her outlet and I love that because everyone needs one. Mine is writing. Both this blog and my stories. After the heart-wrenching spoken word of her recent relationship ending, she sang my favorite song of hers- “When You Sleep.” But it’s such a deeply personal song to me, that I felt weird and awkward listening to it around people. I was like – “hey get outta my room!” It was still so beautiful though. All in all it was a great way to spend an hour. I had to leave for fear of being towed and they don’t allow you to come back in once you leave, so I left while she told a story. I was pretty sure she was almost done anyway. It was still nice to see her in person, to put a face and body to that incredible voice of hers. I’m glad I had the opportunity to go. There’s always something a little magical about seeing someone you’re used to hearing in your ears, live before your eyes. I think it helps you to connect to them even more, at least in someone like Mary. I hope she never stops making music. I’m sure it saves her, like my writings do…and even if no one listened to them, I’m sure she’d never stop making them.

Brave, weird, it’s all the same

I was thinking about all the “interesting” things I’ve done...that’s a nice way of saying- weird or crazy. I guess you could also say unusual or unique. Maybe not unique because it sounds like only you did it and that’s not true. Some of the ones that stand out the most are like when I went to a “Cuddle Party,” (which is exactly as it sounds). Or the weekend I spent at the Nudist Colony. I was the youngest person there by far but it didn’t stop me from enjoying myself. That was probably the freest I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m specifically referring to my nature walks alone in the woods with the wildflowers and only the birds to see me. I had purposefully picked an off weekend and most people hung out by the pool anyway. I also got a color tattoo of mountain peaks on my left arm above my wrist. Not necessarily unique, but it is when everyone thinks it’s just colored triangles on my arm, like I’m really into Geometry or something. When in reality I think I almost flunked that class and to this day haven’t a clue what the point of it was.  

I’ve done other brave things. Like I moved to Colorado not knowing a soul, just because I loved the mountains and wanted an adventure. I’m proud of myself for that. That takes guts moving somewhere all alone. I’ve gone on countless meetup group events, some where I find myself surrounded by senior citizens. Some where no one even shows up even though they said they were coming. I’ve gone on dating app dates to meet strangers. I go to hotels alone just for the fun of it. I’ve taken trips to cities like San Francisco alone, been to another country alone (Canada, but still). I rock out at concerts alone. There isn’t anything I haven’t done alone. I went to Vegas for a lesbian conference all alone. I went to The Walking Dead premiere event in L.A. alone and that was given out as “tickets for two.” I always try to talk to people, wherever I go, to connect. Sometimes I think there’s something there, but usually there’s not. And even if for moment there is, it’s not as real as I thought it was. Or the other party had a better offer come along. It is what it is. It still doesn’t keep me from doing all these crazy, weird, unique, unusual, interesting things. 

I’m still proud of myself for trying. Not everyone can do some of those things alone, or any of them alone. It takes guts to try. It takes a brave soul to be like- “here I am, like me or not, but I’m going to still have a great time wherever I am.”