I feel like I spent most of today in silence. Even when I did have the TV on I wasn't really into anything that was going on, on it. And Mollie, my cat, spent most of today under the bed, which did piss me off and I told her so. I was off work today and wanted her to want to be with me. But she really didn't care. The day flew by and nothing was really done or even watched. I literally had nothing left to watch on Netflix or anywhere and nothing new of interest that I wanted to watch. I did finally go to the grocery store, so I could feel somewhat productive. People from work texted and I responded but if they called, I didn't answer. That could wait till tomorrow. I had spent the weekend and the whole week before, going through my belongings, getting rid of stuff I didn't want. I was real cut throat about it. If it didn't bring me joy the moment I looked at it, I threw it into the donate pile. I threw away all my movie DVD cases and put them into a storage album and did the same with most of my CDs. I sold some too for a ridiculously low amount at Movie Trading Company. Those people are basically pirates. 25 cents for a movie is ridiculous, but they prey on the lazy like me who isn't about to try to sell them online. I got rid of a large bookshelf and got a much smaller and skinnier one to hold my POP FUNKO figures (which are all women characters from shows and movie). It really made my living room feel even larger, with that bookshelf gone. It was the right move. But I did feel like I was trying to do anything and everything to avoid what I thought I should do or need to do, and that's rejoin the dating scene, join a new dating site and try again... for the hundredth time, but who's counting? I didn't want to. So why am I? I thought. I don't know why. I see all these couples everywhere and I suddenly think I'm missing out on something. I write all these stories and I see all these shows and I think- I should have this, I WANT this. But the truth is, I don't. I want to be held by someone that I love and to be kissed and to make love to that person, of course I do, that's something that's never going to go away. That's a desire that's on its own level, but it's not a need like water and food are needs. I don't need it to survive. I want it, and again, on a totally different level than other wants like a million dollars or to go to Alaska. The desire to be physically loved isn't a want or a need, it's something that doesn't have a word to describe it. Well other than "desire" I guess. But that word can have an undesirable (no pun intended) connotation to it, because it can be dirty or evil even. So I don't really want to use it in association to what I'm talking about. But my point being- I want all that, but without all the work. I don't want to suffer through all the boring conversations with people who have no interest in me or I in them. I want to already be with that person. But also do I really want to dedicate my free time to finding that? To maintaining that with someone even the right someone? Do I want to give up MY alone time? No not particularly. Do I want to fall in love and then have it ripped way when they got bored or wanted to move on? no definitely not. I guess no one wants that. The problem is, it's been too long for me. I've been single for over a decade now, so to have someone in my daily life who I have to really BE with day in and day out through all the boring times and everything in else, I don't know if I could even do that really at this point, if I'm being honest. It's been too long without. I'm used to how things are now for me, in charge of all my free time outside of work and other obligations. I might resent them for hijacking all my free time. All day long at my job I give. I care, even when I don't care, I have to pretend to care. Because it's literally my job. If I came in and half-assed a session with a baby and a Mom, then I'd probably get in trouble or fired. They would see I didn't want to be there, I didn't help them with their child and that would be a problem. I'm not perfect, I've gotten frustrated with a child or a Mom and it's probably showed or it definitely has showed, on my face and in my words, but I don't make it a habit. And I do love helping them so it's not faked... the majority of the time, but we all have days. I just can't hide it behind a computer screen at a desk, like other people do at their jobs. So as much as I would love to have someone, I'd have to care about them all the time and it would be like my job, I would want to do it and like it but some days I wouldn't be feeling it. And I guess that's just life but I don't know... wouldn't someone just leave if they didn't feel cared about all the time? Maybe it's about picking the right person. I don't know what that feels like. I kind of feel like I'm writing about some anthropological experience I've never had. Something that took place thousands of years ago and I just can't relate anymore. I'm lacking, to say the least. It's been too long. I can't remember what it feels like for someone to want to be with me. It's like I can't even comprehend it anymore. I guess I could copy what I see in some show, like some robot trying to come across as human. It would take a special girl to stick with me and does that type of girl even exist on a dating website? I don't know. I honestly don't know the statistics when it comes to lesbians meeting the love of their life online. It happens like every minute on Eharmony, but this isn't Eharmony and I'm not a straight girl looking for a quiet, quirky guy who is just awkwardly social and just wants a girl to adore and love and take care of for the rest of his loyal life. I feel isolated here, even if it is a big city. I feel like I've been out in it for years and it's not for me and the lesbian women aren't for me. I don't know who is. If I did finally join a dating website again, a different one, would it be any different? My best friend made a good point to extend the area to reach out across the states. As much as I was against long-distance relationships in the past, because I need to put my hands on that person, this is a luxury I can't afford anymore. It's this or nothing. I'm not willing to try any more of the avenues Dallas has for me, which they are few and far between anyway and I'm not a bar girl, so this is the choice I have: try a bigger dating app (I did a little research and HER seems to get the best reviews) or remain alone for the remainder of my life. Those are my 2 choices, cuz let's face it, I don't look like the kind of girl you approach at Target and strike up a conversation with and end up asking out on a date. That will never be me. So this is it. A part of me ( a much bigger part) wants to continue living out my days in this "giving up" stage. Where I live my life and enjoy my life alone, with no one, not even friends. My friends have all moved on and even though I will always have my best friend, she doesn't live here and has 4 kids so it's never going to be what I want it to be. I had a dream that a friend I used to be close to said, "we just don't have anything in common anymore" and she's not wrong. We're in completely different places in our lives, all my friends I've ever had, are. They are all in the same place together- married to a guy and they have young children together. And that will never be my life. I don't want it to be. But sometimes I just want someone to care about me. To ask me how I'm doing and mean it. To ask what it's like to be alone in all this, not having anyone who gets me. Who understands why I sort of obsess over these female actors and over these shows that have lesbian characters in them. They feed me. They give me life. They live out what I can't. Or what I'm too afraid to live out. They represent me and they are the only ones that understand me and yet I don't know them personally, or they don't exist, they are a character in a TV show. But I can write myself into that show, as a character and live out something that's greater than a fantasy, a reality. Not MY reality, but A reality. I don't need to fly or have magical powers or travel through space and time. I sometimes do in my stories, especially the ones where I play exactly me. I feel like I have to add that Sci-Fi aspect to it, otherwise it's just weird. It's too real life, but not my life, so it's just sad. So I add that into it, to be like- "well this could never happen because we don't have wormholes that take you to alternate universes" (or maybe we do, but the point is there's no proof). I sometimes wonder if I'd stop writing if I had someone in my life. It would be kind of weird and not okay to write out what I wish that person would do or say, because right now I do, but there's no one in my life, so it's not like it's hurting anyone. But I think I'd be very cautious before I let a girlfriend read my stories. I don't want them to think that they are failing if they aren't that girl. I'll never stop writing though, but I would write different stuff if I already had someone.
Last night I was thinking about the song by Whitney Houston- Greatest Love of all. I was thinking about how much it must have impacted my life as a child, even without fully knowing it. It definitely struck a cord with me because I remember vividly singing along to it on my Kids Incorporated cassette tape, with such passion, such commitment, such...conviction. I probably didn't fully understand it, every lyric. I was young when I used to watch that show on Disney Channel. Kids Incorporated was a musical variety type show, but with more of a storyline than say The New Mickey Mouse club, which I also loved. I don't remember watching it a lot because I'm pretty sure we didn't always have the Disney Channel, but I do remember these free preview weekends, and bingeing on it. I had the cassette tape of the kids from that show singing popular songs at the time, this was the mid to late 80s. And that was by far my favorite song on the tape. I'd sing along, loudly, pumping my fists in the air, and then rewind it and do it again. I was a quiet, shy kid, but not in that moment. Not in my room alone, as if no one could hear me. Maybe my parents saw the value in the song and didn't care if I sang along to it loudly. It's such a powerful song. I'm sure what drew me to it was the "Children are our future" line. Because I was a child and I liked being recognized in a song for once. But I know that I loved singing this line the most- "I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity. Because the greatest love of all, is happening to me. I found the greatest, love of all inside of me...Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all." I didn't know how true this line would be in my life. Maybe it soaked into my being as a child and helped me become who I am today. I'd like to think it had a hand in it. It does still help me to this day. When I hear it, I still sing as passionately as I did when I was that little girl in my room.
