Eggs: not the kind you eat.

It's late Friday night and I find myself Googling "freezing your eggs." Not in a really realistic way, but in a 'I recently heard this one-half of this female comedy duo that I love, did it when she was 34,' way and so I'm going to read about her and like one more article about it and that's it. Of course she has money, which is a huge part of it. It led me to an article about these parties these fertility companies throw, convincing women in their 20s and 30s to freeze their eggs. And it reminded me again about an episode of The Mindy Project, where her fertility clinic did just that and called it "Later, baby." And then that made me think of an episode of New Girl, where Jess and Cece both get tested to see how many eggs they have left, thus telling them how many child bearing years they have left. In the end Jess has a ton of eggs left, given her more years to wait it out till she finds the right guy. TV shows are basically where I get all my information... that's a good idea, right? Man, growing up it just seemed so easy. You meet a guy in your early 20s and get married and have like all this freaking time with just the 2 of you, like actual years, many of them. And then you easily get pregnant and 4 kids later you're like barely in your 30s and you're done having kids. And you're not old and tired chasing around a toddler. And you get these beautiful children that look half like you and half like your husband, the love of your life. Probably the hardest, well really the only hard part of me coming to terms with my sexuality, was the part about giving up just that. The family I had always envisioned for myself. Specifically the children that are half me and half the person I chose to spend my life with. I guess the closest I can get to this now is if the woman I marry has a brother and that brother is healthy and a good guy and is close with his sister and wouldn't mind donating his sperm to me and if none of us felt that was weird and if everything worked out perfectly... then I could have basically a baby half me and half my "wife" well at least her genes... bearing in mind that her brother is her mom and dad's full child, just as she is. Have I lost anyone yet? But that's a lot of "ifs" and that most likely won't happen. Everyday, couples get pregnant, so fucking easy. It's not fair. But I don't think I want to know what my egg count is, like Jess on New Girl. I like to think I'm super fertile for reasons I don't need to go into on a blog, but I don't know for sure. And I just can't see myself spending thousands of dollars and injecting myself with hormones and being an emotional wreck all by myself through that time and then matching it up with some sperm donor I don't know and only I had a say in picking, because I have no partner to weigh in.... all just to have a 2-12 percent chance that one will lead to an eventual baby. Maybe that's just one articles information from 2014, but still. I don't think the odds are that great. All these other couples having babies without even trying and 100% "free" in the making of them, and I have to go through all that and spend all the money I don't have, just for the slight chance of one. Again, not fair. But nothing ever is for me. And then there's Friends. Monica and Chandler were best friends so long and then fell in love and got married and they couldn't have kids of their own, so they adopted. Monica always wanted a kid and I remember those episodes of her being sad that she still hadn't found anyone and she wasn't getting any younger. And then to have the sting of her best friend and brother accidentally getting pregnant. But in this fictional world that I'm acting like is real, they didn't see those twins (they didn't realize they were having till they came out) as anything but their very own children. And maybe that's what adoption is like. I don't think I could truly know until I experienced it for myself. Maybe you'd get as lucky as they did, the girl that got pregnant was just young and not ready. But a lot of the babies given up for adoption or taken away, are born addicted to drugs or alcohol and just because I help families with children who now have developmental delays because of those very reasons, doesn't mean I want a child that has those problems. No it's not the baby's fault and I could very well birth my own child and they could have Down Syndrome or something else, but I can tell you right now there's no way they'd have fetal alcohol syndrome or be addicted to crack when they were born. And I'm not saying all of those babies will have significant delays, but the majority do... or at least behavior or learning problems. That's what it seems to affect the most. Again, other kids not drug exposed could have learning and behavior problems too, I know. But you get what I'm saying.
I guess not every straight married couple gets to have their very own baby. So even if I was straight and married, it doesn't necessarily mean I would have a child half me and half my husband's right now. It just sucks though. I don't know that I'll ever be able to give that up; not truly. I don't know for sure, but I think when you fall in love with someone and choose to spend your life with them, then all this baby stuff just fades away. I don't mean you don't think about it or worry about it happening at all. But I think the "how" doesn't matter anymore. You have that person who loves you and accepts you and you're going to go through this together, so the child will be the both of yours, regardless of how it entered the world. All that matters is that you have each other. And the child will come to you however the child comes to you. It doesn't matter how, it just matters that he or she is loved by the both of you. And that's a nice thought to end on...

this is the last blog about the lake, I swear.

I grabbed a cinnamon sugar twisty donut this morning at my local donut shop and headed to my lake. My side. The side I always go to. But when I got to the fork in the road I could go left or right. Right would be where I always go, so I decided in a split second to go left. I took it down and realized it was where I was yesterday. Yep back with the birds. Except this time there was only one white pelican. One. He looked as if he was saying, “uh…Mike? Stan? Lila? Hey where are you guys?” He was left. Or they asked him to go but he said “nah bro, I’m good.” It’s fun to make animals talk…
So I headed back to my side, my spot. There’s a hill here that overlooks the lake. I don’t think I’ve been here at this exact time before because today I noticed how the sun silhouetted off the lake, making it shimmer as if it were full of diamonds. It sparkled and it was gorgeous. Early this morning around 530am it was storming. I awoke to thunder, lightning and heavy rain. But now it’s clear blue skies and sun, a perfect 65. I wish it never got warmer than this. But this is Texas and I know better than that. I’ll just appreciate what we have currently- a cool breeze. Oh look! I just noticed a pelican gliding by! Oh good. Carl’s friend is coming back. Or girlfriend…or boyfriend, I don’t judge. Good for him. Oops or not. He’s detoured it out into the lake and not back where they were all hanging out yesterday, in the little cove where I just saw our friend all alone. Pelican commentary aside, this has been a pleasant 10 days. I’ve enjoyed having something to do every day on my 10 days off. It’s given me something to look forward to and I’m grateful for that. I certainly wouldn’t have come here if I didn’t live 2 mintues away, so I’m blessed to live so close. Just like life, these days at the lake have all been different. Some days it was clear blue skies and sun, perfect temperatures. Some days it was extremely windy and cold, cloudy and it even rained a little one day. This lake is like a metaphor for life, for yourself. There are so many sides to life, to you. Don’t be afraid to explore them and to go outside your comfort zone. If I continued to come to this same spot I always did because it was so close to my house, I would never have known about the migrating white pelicans. Or the statue of the shirtless man who helped to build this great lake. I wouldn’t have seen those Christmas red berries or that dock that was in the shape of a T. I wouldn’t have seen that light that broke through the clouds and shined down onto the lake and inspired a new story. Or that cloud shaped like a whale with the pink orange sun as its eye, which ate up my anger. Exploration is good for the soul. It’s good for the mind, the body and the heart. I liked walking the shores, never staying on the concrete path, but on the uneven grasses that kinda hurt my feet. Plus looking at large open waters is just so extremely peaceful. I like wide open spaces. I’m a little claustrophobic, so if I have to be around people, I’d prefer it in a setting like this. There were days when there were quite a few people out, due to the perfect weather. But they were spread out. Even when they were near me, they were still in their own world and I in mine. I kinda like it that way. I think I kinda like being left alone. I know I do. I still would like that one person to come into my little world and want to live in it with me. I would go into hers and I would let her take me out into the world, but I like my world and I like my home. I like my lake.

As I got back into my car and drove away, my favorite song of all time, came on the radio. It’s even been my ringtone for literally the length of time Mollie’s been alive, so 4 years. Before I had her, it was just about me and my life, but once I got her and it was playing in the car on the way to the vet right after I picked her up, it became our song. The lyrics will always hold true. They are about my life and what I desire…I just make it about Mollie for the time being, but deep down I’ll always know what it really means to me. *“I’ve been trying to do it right. I’ve been living a lonely life. I’ve been sleepin’ here instead. I’ve been sleepin’ in my bed. So show me family. All the blood that I will bleed. I don’t know where I belong. I don’t know where I went wrong. But I can write a song” or a story…or a blog. And so I shall. So that’s the end of the 10 day journey around the lake and through my head. I’ll be taking a little break and go back to writing the blog whenever something sparks or I need to work through something. I know it kind of felt forced at times, so thanks for sticking with me.

So stay tuned for your local programming…aka my old blog. See ya again in a month or so…for non-lake related blogging. Peace out. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

*lyrics by The Lumineers- "Ho Hey"

Silence...and a bunch of loud noisy birds

You hear a lot when you don’t have music playing in your ears. If I’m out like a grocery store or even these past 8 days at the lake, I’m usually rocking my Bluetooth headphones. If I’m writing, sometimes I absolutely can’t have music in my ears, especially music I know the lyrics to, because it’ll totally distract me. But sometimes I most definitely have to have music blasting in my ears, like at the grocery store. In no way shape or form do I want to hear a screaming toddler who you’ve taken out to the store during their nap time, you cruel cruel parent. But I do love the sound of silence sometimes. Walking today on a sunny 62 degree day, is about as perfect as it can be. It's Day 9 on my trek around the lake and I'm walking music-less today. All I hear are the sounds of feet pounding the pavement, bicycle tires spinning by me, ducks quacking and the line or two of someone’s conversation. Those sounds aren’t too bad, I have to say. I could’ve done without the couples hand in hand and the occasional one making out on a bench like this is your private backyard, but whatever. I feel like this one lady said to her man on purpose right in front of me- “I think it’s gonna be a good year.” Yeah probably for you. You have someone right next to you holding your hand. I literally can’t remember the last time someone held my hand, like I can’t at all, I’m not even joking. I can’t remember what a kiss feels like either, or what it feels like to be held by another human being, but let’s not delve into that right now...

On my walk I came across this statue. From afar it looked like a man, shirtless, but holding his shirt for some reason, and walking with a cane. On closer inspection, he is holding a shovel and underneath it, it says that it's a memorial to those men who helped to build around this great White Rock Lake. They "moved earth planted trees, crafted stone and built structures that remain a lasting legacy of service to their community and nation." I think "nation" is a stretch. And I wonder if there were any women that helped? Oh I'm sure some asked, but the men were like, "no, stay in the kitchen where you belong." I kid I kid... sort of. It was the 1930s...but nonetheless, thanks men for the wonderful lake. It really is pretty amazing. I've loved investigating all sides these past 9 days. Right next to this statue is where all the geese, goose, ducks and pelican hang out. It's like one big party. One loud party.

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The white pelican apparently flocks here for the winter from as far North as Canada…according to some lady who wished me a “Happy New Year” and who I got into a 15 second conversation with. I confirmed it on Google. Yes indeed they do. They are gorgeous and HUGE! Here’s a picture, but it doesn’t do their size justice. She said they come to this exact spot every winter, but they don’t know why. It’s this little area between the shore and some tall grass, like a little enclave. They were meticulously cleaning themselves when I got here. They’re just so large it’s insane they can fly all that way! I would just think it would get kind of tiring with a heavier body than say a regular bird. They are very loud right now, squawking away. And then the ducks and the geese join in as well, begging for bread on the shore, and it’s now one noisy bird choir. Throw in the pigeons flying in in unison, it’s like a damn Broadway performance. I think it’s the gooses or geese, that are being the loudest. Honking away. I’m sure they get fed so very well. Little kids chase them as they spread out their wings as wide as they can, I guess trying to make themselves bigger, and waddle away. It seems the geese get louder and louder once they realize no one has any bread for them. They are pissed . They aren't afraid to walk across the street though. Bikers and cars stop for them, but I stood there with my hands out because it didn't really seem like they were going to stop for them. Stupid people in cars. It was fun to watch them, though. They're so loud and demanding. I can't imagine being like a goose. They aren't afraid to let you know when they are mad or that they want something or want to let another goose know they want their attention. Good for them. I'm more like the solo duck that's out in the water all by itself, not really giving a fuck .  remember him?? (side note, am I not allowed to type the word fuck? because it will autocorrect it to duck or puck about 15 times before it lets me say fuck. Well puck you...I'm tired of retyping it)

Tomorrow's my last day... on Earth. Kidding. It's my last day on my 10 day journey around the lake and around myself... or something less cheesy than that. We'll see what the lake has in store for me tomorrow. Until then, good night and good luck.