If you don't know where the line in my title is from, we can't be friends. I'm joshing ya. It's from Community, one of my most favorite shows of all time.
The character Abed, who is an Asperger's-like character, uses this phrase in moments of great happiness or excitement over something in his life that is important to him. And he always means it. Except for this last time, most recently, when he found out his best friend, his rock, the only person in the world that got him, was leaving. Since he was attached to a lie detector machine when he said it, he was outed that this time his "cool. cool cool cool," was a lie. A cover up to pretend that he was fine with his whole world changing and the one person he could count on to not see him as weird, leaving.
The reason I titled this with that line, other than the fact that it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was trying to figure out a word to describe how I'm doing. And "cool," is it. And I'm not lying on that one. Like the character of Abed, he both lives in his world that he loves so much (his movies and tv shows), and in the real world with his friends, but often he combines them, referencing real life situations to that of a show or movie, which can annoy his friends sometimes, but they've grown to not just tolerate it but accept it and enjoy it along with him. I feel like both Abed AND his friends, the other characters on Community.
I don't just tolerate my life now. I not only accept it but enjoy it to the fullest. I am so content and happy with how my life is going. I feel like it is super full. Anything and anyone else that may enter or add to it, would just be a added bonus. Something unexpected; a free dessert offered at a restaurant for absolutely no reason, the bank adding $20 to your account just cuz. Do these things happen? Sure, why not! It's not something you ever expect or ask for, it just happens.
I don't know the exact date this change happened. I mostly certainly didn't "decide" this. If I could just "decide" to be happy being alone and not having the love I've always wanted in my life right now, then I would have chosen it a long time ago. Some time in the past 7 years for sure. I can't say for sure what it was. Was it discovering a new favorite show- Lost Girl, which I've become kinda enthralled in (because "obsessed" is too much of a stalkery word), and watched all 3 seasons in less than a month? Maybe. Was it reading all 3 of the Hunger Games series the past couple months and being so into it that I felt what the characters felt, their hurt, their pain, their anger towards the Capitol? (like it really existed). Sure why not. Also going along with Hunger Games, I am so incredibly involved in the characters that I'm actually writing a continuation story, a "what happens next" kinda thing. For me and my best friend who wanted to know more and wasn't satisfied with the ending, (and whoever else would like to read it). I don't think it was one thing in particular. Because if it was, then again, it would be more of a decision to be "happy and content" which I think it's kind of not being "real." I could lie and say I'm okay with my life and it's fine I don't want to get married, it's not a big deal, whatever who cares. That would be me actually not being okay with it, obviously. No, something happened without my knowing it. I was just enjoying my life doing all the things I love to do and just realized how full and content and happy I was, all 3 different feelings, but all really good things. Mollie my cat brings a ton of love into my life. Texting my bestie that lives across the great state of Texas which is quite far, (if you know anything about Texas), makes me feel special and loved and of great importance to someone, all things I thought I could only have in a mate. And even though I can't see my beloved boys that bring such joy to my life, as much as I would like, I know that one little boy in particular is always asking about me, wanting to see a video of me, wanting to hear "sissy's song," which is me singing the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed" to my boys on video. He even named his stuff cat I gave him "mollie" after my mollie, based on all the videos I send of her. That and more is why my life is so full as is. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a comforting feeling, being okay as you are, it's like you can breathe again. It's like you can enjoy all the things you always have, but in an even better way. I sometimes get overly excited over a TV show, or a new movie trailer, or something that happened in a book or a song coming on that I love so much. Especially with the shows, I used to feel almost embarrassed that I got that excited. And I was home all alone! No one even witnessed my excitement, so why on earth would I be embarrassed? I would feel inside that I was being lame and not cool and a loser just because something that I felt most people would think is not big and exciting, excited me. It wasn't an engagement proposal, or a positive pregnancy test, but if something really cool happened on a show, it mattered to me and it made me happy. So get over it, self! I've stopped feeling that way. Again I didn't choose it, it just happened. I didn't get that feeling inside, the last time something really cool happened on Community.
These past couple of months have been really really awesome. Maybe it hasn't even been that long. I can't put a date on it, but I was living in greatness and contentment without even realizing it...until I did.
I shared this great feeling with my bestie and her response made me feel even more amazing and even more loved. And maybe even that her prayers were a big part of how I got here, even though I didn't even know about them at the time it was happening. She said, and I quote: "I'm glad you feel content. That makes me so happy. I pray on a daily basis for you and that you will find love, but also that you will feel happy until you do. You do have an awesome life, you should feel proud of what you have done." I have an awesome best friend, don't I??! I always say she is the best thing to come out of my time in Colorado. I feel like I moved there to meet her. Even though I thought it was to meet my Colorado mountain man. Funny where life takes you...
I feel grateful to be in this place, because I don't feel like it's anything I've done. I wished countless times to just be "ok" with never getting married. I just could never accept it. And it would just make me feel worse, that I couldn't make myself "be okay." But it's not something I have to accept. Do I still want to get married and have a kid? (albeit just one kid now), yes of course! I'm not going to run from it if it comes down my path in life. I'm not going to turn the other way or dart around it. But am I truly content all on my own and if that continues longer? Most definitely. Because I have the freedom to do whatever I want without asking anybody's permission or opinion or compromising anything. It's a great gift that may not last forever. I think I do have it harder than my friends who went straight from college to being married, because they didn't get all cozy and settled into a life of singleness and doing what only they wanted to do, without compromise, at least not in a home based setting. But it's cool. It's cool cool cool. If and when that happens, I will enjoy all the perks and work on all the other stuff...like everybody else in a marriage has to do.
*And to mention briefly about how in previous blogs it was quite obvious (as I mentioned it a million times), that my biggest hurdle in this contentment rollercoaster singleness train, has always been centered around "wanting to be held and kissed" just that physical aspect that I needed to survive or felt I did. I'm sure once I have it again, it'll be like crack and I won't be able to get off it. But my mind kind of slipped into a forget-ness mode and I actually cannot remember for the life of me what it feels like to be kissed. And I would say being held too, but I can kind of still remember that feeling only because I do get a hug every now and again. I don't say this at all to sound like "poor me" or Debbie downer. In fact it's the opposite. It's a good thing! I am thankful I can't remember! It's hard to miss something you can't exactly remember. Now all this will be thrown out the window the next time I'm in a relationship and if it ends, then I'll be back at square one in this respect, but for now, it's a huge saving grace. Maybe my brain chose to block it out, since it was hurting me so much, wanting that and not being able to get over wanting to share life with someone in that capacity and enjoying those perks of relationships. My body ached for it (kissing and being held, so get your mind out of the gutter people). So maybe my brain intervened. Whatever the reason, it's extremely helpful in my circle of contentment and happiness. I'm glad for it, while it lasts...but I'll still welcome back those kisses when the time is right ;o)
