a breathing shell

I need someone to slap me. Like physically, not emotionally with words. Like literally slap me in the face. Not hard, out of anger, just a slap outta love from a trusted friend. Maybe it'll jolt me outta my current state. The state I've been living in for several weekends now. The state of despondency. Of not caring, not being my creative self, well except for writing this I guess. But I just feel so beaten down. My car accident didn't help. It didn't wake me up or bring me back to life or some present state of aliveness. It's like my work week and my weekends I'm 2 completely different people. I'm helping moms and dads and being upbeat and silly for the babies. But my weekends spent all alone, well I just don't even know anymore. I don't try to be creative anymore. I don't do my scrapbooks or collages. I don't write my screenplay. I don't care about anything. I don't read, I don't smile really. I'm just basically a shell. A breathing shell. I need to come alive. I need to care again. I need to be excited about something happening in my life. I needs someone to share life with. I need someone to talk to. Not that I'm gonna talk to them about the depressing state of my life. On the contrary, actually. I would be in a state of giddiness and hyper activeness, just to have someone to laugh with and talk about all the random great stuff of life that I just can't even think of right now. I can't even experience or remember what that is right now. I know there's gotta be something...  
I used to believe in signs. I know there was a reason for that belief. I know there were times that I saw something and then something happened following that sign. You don't believe in signs if you never had any results from them! Well the statue of limitations of sign believing is over. When it's been 7 plus years since anything made any sense to you, the time has come to move on from looking for or noticing signs. From thinking that- just because you found a heart ring, then a clear Barbie shoe (like Cinderella) and then an actual little plastic Cinderella, all within a few weeks or so of each other, that that meant your girl was coming soon... your love was on her way. Really believing that to be true. And then you wake up almost a year later and realize nothing at all has happened, not in the least bit. Finding these very random objects outdoors and in very different places, all by themselves in the grass...meant nothing. No value to it. No reason or rhyme. It was just random nonsense. Garbage in fact. Garbage I still keep on my dresser all displayed like. As if one day I'll say to my love- look! I found these and then you came to me...10 years later...
I had a massage this morning. A student in massage school, doing his many many hours of practice, to become fully certified. I've had a lot of massages. And I mean a lot. I troll Groupon for deals and go to a different person every time, because who has the money to pay 65 or more bucks for a massage?? Well I don't. But this guy, who's school only charges $12.50 due to the fact that they aren't fully certified yet I'm guessing. Well he does a better job than all those "professionals" I've had over all those years. He isn't' burned out yet. He really cares and likes practicing different techniques and addressing different areas. He's amazing. I'll have to save up and pay full price when he gets a job somewhere, because I definitely want to keep seeing him. Well today at the very end of the massage, he did some pressure points on my face. And he ended up at a point between my eyes. It was like the climax of the massage. I feel like he pushed a button that opened to Narnia or somewhere grand. I immediately felt relaxed and peaceful. The words "you are love and light" keep echoing in my head. I felt a "whoosh" come over me. It was quite exhilarating. Well later after I was filling out the questionnaire. He asked if I knew anything about Chakras. I was like no, not really, I have heard the term before. Well not only did he mentioning feeling that same whoosh I felt (and I didn't even mention it), but he also pointed out that my 3rd eye (the point between the eyes) was very loud. Good loud. It's strong and suggest I'm very aware. Self aware, aware of other people's feelings and emotions, as well as mine. Yep that's me. I'm a little too aware. I kinda wish I was clueless sometimes. Like those kids of American Idol who think they can sing. Most of them may be crushed they didn't make it, but then they go- I know I can sing! I'm gonna keep trying... Well bless their little hearts. But maybe if I was clueless to all the people I meet or find on dating sites, in the sense that I wouldn't really know when they didn't like me or having this "can do" attitude, where I think there's somebody out there for me, I just haven't met them yet. Keep on trying. Yeah that's extremely difficult for me. I mean how much disappointment to I have to endure? How many people have to ignore me or reject me before I find someone that doesn't? That wants to at least try with me? Wants to get to know me? I'm mostly numb or despondent or lackadaisical because I haven't had a win in so long. Even on the friend front. It's all "let's hang out! Let's do something this weekend. Even to the point of let's hang out Thursday." And then it becomes, oh I can't thursday, (like I was the one that originally scheduled Thursday) or oh I have to cancel... with no makeup day in sight. If that was someone I was actually dating and in a serious relationship, you best believe that wouldn't fly. You have to spend a significant amount of time with someone you are highly considering spending the rest of your life with. But when it's a friend, you just have to accept it and be grateful when they throw you a bone finally somewhere down the line. Take that 1 hr window they give you. Take it before it's gone or revoked. So that's why I'm in this mood. I just can't care anymore. Or right now. I can't believe everything will work out. I can't have this starry eyed mentality that everything will work out/ true love is around the corner/ Disney fantasy I had in my 20s. I just can't anymore. Call me bitter, I don't care. I'm old and I'm tired. It's been too long since I've been kissed, since I've held someone's hand, since I've been laid on top of, just laid on; since I've felt arms wrap around me and hold me tight... as if to say, "no I'm not letting you go. You don't get an hour of my time once every 3 months, no I want you all night long." (and I mean that in the least creepy way possible). I honestly just want to be held on to. That's all I want. So I don't float away. So I don't roll away or dematerialize into nothingness, disappear as if it were the rapture. "I want you." That's all I want to be told. And to mean it too, of course. Most people don't remember little things like this, but I remember vividly when one of my friends put her hand on my back and moved it back and forth. Like a nice comforting rub. I remember this because I started to tear up. To feel that touch from someone I knew cared about me, well it was overwhelming in a good way. It was foreign, like when someone touches the back of your knee, where no one ever touches and it makes you jump a little. You're just not used to it. It tickles, but in a good way. I'm grateful for those moments, I guess. I try to tell myself, something's always better than nothing. I don't know if that's really true. I guess it's the whole "is the cup half full or half empty?" conundrum. Are you grateful for any water at all? Or are you really really thirsty and think- "this isn't enough water to quench my thirst! I need a full glass!" sometimes I'm the former and sometimes I'm the latter. I guess it depends on which twin I am that day ;o) a little astrology joke there for you, here at the end. I am a Gemini ya know :op       

online dating is for the cats

All the couples who have met online in some way shape or fashion will disagree with me on this, but I kinda wish online dating didn't exist. I don't like it. I don't like that it's even an option, because it makes me feel like I have to at least give it a try. I have to look, otherwise you can't really say you've given "finding the one" a decent shot, if you haven't tried online yet. One of two things happen- the person either sounds good on paper and you meet them and there's just nothing there, or their picture just does nothing for you so you don't even give their profile a fair shot. They could be a really great person, but I will never know... cuz I am superficial I guess. Kidding. Well we all are to a certain point. I also just don't like knowing everything about a person before even meeting them. I'd rather get to know all of the fun stuff in person. Talk for hours with them and see all that we have in common, not already know it. I don't like the picture thing also for myself, because I'm sure girls do the same thing to me that I do to them. Don't give them a chance first. Not one single girl I have ever emailed on dating sites first has ever emailed me back. I've emailed back and forth with girls and met them in person, but they initiated it and since they were interested in me, I gave them a shot. Even though I wouldn't have been the one to email first. But the ones that I could tell from what they said, sounded interesting and cool, and were also pretty in some way or another, they wouldn't even respond once to me. What the fuck is that about? It just sucks. Why can't I have an attractive, pretty girl? Why do I always have to be the one to settle for whoever deems me worthy? I'm not emailing model type girls here, please, I wouldn't try for totally out of my league or anything, I'm not clueless. I keep saying online is not for me, but yet I find myself looking once again, and trying once again, because it's really really rough out there for single people. I don't know how anyone meets anyone outside of college. It's like a war zone. It's like a jungle or a corn maze where you're looking for one specific leaf or one specific ear of corn, I mean c'mon, you have a better chance of winning the lottery! And there's always that question hanging over my head like a dark cloud that follows you wherever you go-" but what if there's nobody out there for me? What if I'm just meant to be alone forever?" If this is true, then what the fuck am I doing? Why am I bothering? Why I am putting myself out there and trying and being disappointed or knocked down or rejected time and time again, for? What is the point? If it's just my lot in life to be single then I am wasting my time partaking in any of it. Even if I say well I'm looking for more friends. Ehh, I'm not really. Not that I have a lot; I don't really, especially since they all have significant others and families to spend almost all their waking hours with (and non-waking as well). But I'm not good at making friends with girls that are a possibility for dating. Because if you do that, then what happens is, they start dating someone and then you really don't get to be their friend anymore... at least that's how it's happened for me. So I'm listening to Spotify, some random station, and Jack Johnson comes on and sings "why must I always be waiting, waiting on you??" yes exactly. Why? It's like standing next to what you think is a bus stop sign, but you didn't look closely enough and in fact the sign says "duck crossing." Idiot. You're gonna be waiting a long long time. I'm so over online dating. Which I've said many times and somehow find my way back to it, and then I repeat the same mantra and the cycle starts again. What would be perfect and what only happens in movies is either a friend of mine sets me up with someone who, (because they know me so well and love me so much and want me to find happiness), ends up being a perfect match and the love of my life. Or I bump into someone and spill my papers and her coffee and our eyes meet and we are instantly attracted to each other and it's onward and upward from there. I don't think either one of those things is gonna happen. I literally know no one who that has happened for in real life reality world. It's a nice story though. At least I have my cat, though. Mollie loves me. I am her world,. I am everything to her and vice versa. She couldn't live without me, especially since she likes no one else but me. Even while typing this, she felt the need to leave her comfortable spot in the cupboard on my towel (yes my dry food and towels are in the same spot), and jump up on my bed, stand on my legs and sniff my tablet and then lay down at my feet, first attacking them and then starting her bathing ritual. Maybe I sometimes use Mollie as an excuse to not get out there in the physical world, but I do love staying at home and spending time with her. I do leave her all day for work all alone, and I always feel bad about that. She's not just a cat. She's my best friend, my baby and my love. That may make me sound like a "crazy cat lady" and you can think what you want. But a best friend is someone you spend a lot of face time with, being completely and totally yourself with. And a baby is someone you care for by meeting their needs like feeding them and cleaning them and providing for them financially and otherwise, who you also discipline but still love when they act out. And your "love," well that's self explanatory. You love them with all your heart and can't imagine your life without them. Call me crazy if you want, but everything I just described also applies to my Mollie. And she wants to be with me all the time. She has to be in whatever room I'm in, or at least see me from wherever she is at all times. Ok maybe that last part is a bit creepy, if your loved ones were always staring at you, I would say you might want to get them looked at by a professional ;o)
I'm not the best at conclusions. And as always I branch off onto something else, but I still hate online dating. That remands the same. But I guess if I stay home with Mollie a lot, it's my only option if I ever want to meet someone and fall in love. Even if I don't believe it'll work... I'm sure I'll find my way back on there again... at some point. But for now, my love is my Mollie. She's not a placeholder for the real thing. She is love. She is enough.