Why am I not getting it??? Obviously I am not understanding or accepting or believing or choosing to believe that I do not need someone special to make my life complete, or just to feel truly loved and special because that one person has chosen to be with me and I with them. I feel like everyone that already has someone (and thus I believe does not get to weigh in on this), says that I have to love myself more or I have to love God more or something I don't even know. Everyone says that no one will complete me yada yada yada. Ok fine. what do you want me to say? I agree? I can lie and agree with you. But I am lacking. I am lacking in attention. I am lacking in love. I am lacking in touch and being held and being kissed, and I can give myself a ton of attention and love all day long, but it's not the same as it coming from an actual human being who chooses me. Who loves me for who I am. Why does nobody get this? I don't understand why they don't understand my point of view. It's like they've been loved for far too long to remember what it feels like to have no one to come home to, that even knows if you're alive, that kisses you when you walk in the door and wants to hold you in their arms at night. If they have been with someone for most of their adult after 21 life, then how on earth am I supposed to believe them? How on earth am I suppose to trust them? I need someone. And I know desperation is not a trait that anyone wants, but how am I supposed to play it cool and pretend like I don't need anyone and I can be single forever what 'evs. I can't do it. If I haven't been cool with it for the past 7 years of absolute singleness, then how on earth am I supposed to just flip to the other side and be some kind of believer in "I am the only one I need to feel whole and loved and important and special." I feel like someone is trying to teach me Chinese, who only speaks Chinese and with no picture cards. So I'm trying to understand something I am completely incapable of truly understanding, even with hand gestures. Those aren't enough. Nothing I currently have is enough. It's probably due to not seeing my friends enough, but they are married, busy people, and they can't provide me what someone I'm in a relationship can provide me. And I know I sound selfish, but if you truly know me and have been a close friend of mine, you know how much I care about my friends. And how I love making little things for them, or cards or messages checking in on them. I do this for those I love. So it's not just what this one person can do for me, it's what I can do for them. For her. As it might be. As what I picture the most when I picture someone. A girl with long naturally curly hair, but whose being picky...not me. haha. I don't know how to want this less. I don't know how to be ok with just me, at least not for the rest of my life. I sometimes can keep it at bay. The swelling in my heart. That raw need and desire to be known intimately. Not just physically, not even mostly physically. Emotionally intimacy. I want to know everything about this person, as much as I want them to know it about me. The swelling is almost too much for me in this moment. My heart feels like it might burst out of my chest and run away, because I'm not using it in the way I was meant to. Thankfully I am not one to try to stop the swelling with drugs or alcohol. That's just not me. I am hopeful that maybe writing this out into the universe also known as the webeverse, will subside the swelling some. It does work some of the time, or at least momentarily, in the past. It's different than just writing it out to yourself. I wish petting Mollie would help more. It does some, but she doesn't let me pet her for hours. I did just get up and open the window for her, kissing her on her wet nose, as she allows me a kiss a few times a night. And this did help some with the swelling in my chest. There's no answers. People can talk at me till their blue in the face, they can think that they were in some magical amazing place of contentment, before they met the one. maybe they were. but maybe they were for like a minute, in the grand scheme of time, and not 7 years like me (and many years before those 7 as well). They were single and content for a short period of time. Maybe they dated a ton. That's not me. I've dated 2 guys. that's it. one for a year (and a year as friends before that), and then kind of almost a couple more times...it's a long story. And one guy I was ready to marry after only knowing him for 5 months. That's a real crazy story. But too personal and people know who I'm talking about, so not appropriate in an online venue. So anyways, I sigh and look over at the pile of clean clothes on my bed currently wrinkling with every passing moment that I don't get up and go fold it. So thus this ends tonight's sad lament of my current state. At least I can poke fun at it a little. Overdramatically is the best way. And so I push back my swollen heart, back into my chest pocket. And survive another day, with it still in place. I can survive. If anything. I can get out of bed and go to work and enjoy all my activities that do bring me happiness. I can breathe and I can walk. I can sing and I can sort of dance, but not really. I can bring smiles to babies, more than I bring tears. I can attract dogs and cats to me as if I was hiding treats in my pocket, but I never am. I know my spirit is good. animals know this about people. they and babies are the best judges, because they don't have anything to be prejudiced about. They look into your soul and read you for who you are. So, I must not be too bad after all. I may not be a social butterfly, but I am the truest of friends. I stay as long as they let me. I truly don't understand why I am still alone. Why I must walk the earth as a wife and mother, but only have friendships and godsons. I wish it was enough. I really do. I wish I could live in blissful ignorance that my simple life is grand! I have no need for deeper love and connection, emotional intimacy and visibility from someone. But I don't have that capability. Or incapability. I am me. I can't change the longing in my heart. I can't lessen it even a little. This is me. God I didn't want singleness to be my "cross to bear" I truly hate that term. What Jesus did can not be compared to any little struggle we have to endure. So I don't get that term or like it. But people usually have one that they carry their whole life. I really really don't want this to be that. It's been long enough. I'm putting it down. I want my arms to be able to wrap around a human being and keep them there for longer than the few second hug most people give. I want them to be able to rock a baby to sleep, my baby. Not one I have to give back. That's what I want. That's what I need. I'm not blinded to the fact that that life is extremely difficult at times and I'm sure I'll want out. Out at being a wife. Out of being a mother. But that doesn't mean I will run. No way. I will fight for those people. Because we chose each other. We belong together and we fight and cry together. Because we also love extremely hard together. That sounds incredible. Thorns and all. That kind of love is worth fighting for.
And that's all she wrote...for now.