"Million reasons"

My favorite song right now is Lady Gaga's "Million Reasons." I'm sure I've said this before about songs, but what I love most about them is that even though I didn't write them (I have no talent to write a song. A overly descripted novel sure, but not a song) you can always take the lyrics of a song and make it about you. You can apply it to your life. You're not the artist. You don't always know WHY they wrote it or what they mean by it, unless they've shared it in an interview. But you know what it means to you. I love that about them, because music speaks to all of us differently and on so many levels. And even if it is apparent what they are talking about in a song, I usually just take my favorite line from it and make it about what's going on in my own life. I don't need to know that the first verse clearly alludes that it's about a boy and I'm making it about my life... which never includes a boy. Which brings me to my point, well not brings me, but here it is. I love this song because of its rawness and plea for a sign, for a reason not "to walk away." Maybe she's talking about a relationship or maybe she's talking about the music business and her specific career, or maybe something totally different. But since artists give us songs so that we can relate to them how we choose and give us a creative outlet to sing it at the top of our tune-deaf lungs; this song is about just going on... it's about living. It's about finding a reason to keep going; to live. I don't really feel like I have that. I don't really think that finding out how they end the show The Walking Dead, is a good enough reason. This song begs, it has a plea, in this case to God. "I bow down to pray, I try to make the worst seem better. Lord show me the way, to cut through all the worn out leather..." Yeah been there Lady Gaga. I try and try to just see the good in my life and what I have. I try to just hang in there, but I'm worn out. I'm tired of not being special. I'm tired of feeling unloved, not beautiful, not desired by anyone in the physical or literal sense. To not feel desirable... I don't need someone to tell me it everyday but I do need someone that chooses to walk in this daily life with me. Someone that wants to fight for me/with me. Someone who makes me want to improve, to be a better person. Because I love that person and I would do it for them as much as I would for myself. But JUST for myself? Nah. I'm good. Life: "you're giving me a million reasons to let you go. You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show...I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away. But baby I just need one good one to stay." But I get to choose what that one reason is. And that one reason is a partner in life. Not a friend I see twice a year or every few years or next to never. That's not enough. That's not enough for anybody I don't think. Maybe for some animal that mates once a year and then checks out and comes back a year later to do it all over again. But I'm not a freaking animal. "Oh baby I'm bleedn' bleedn.' Stay. Can't you give me what I'm needn' needn'? Every heart break makes it hard to keep the faith. But baby I just need one good one... Baby I just need one good one to stay..." Whether that means one person to want to stay with you, to want to commit to you, or if it means one good "one" meaning "reason" to stay here on Earth, I feel it all. I get it all. It's both, for me. Why "God" or the "Universe" or Mary freaking Poppins won't give me someone in my life is beyond me. But I know that I can't do it anymore. I can't try. I heard about this convention in Las Vegas that is about LGBT women in media and entertainment. There's going to be panels with speakers in these fields and guest celebrities, 2 of whom I am HUGE fans of and would never get to meet otherwise. And even more importantly one of the panels is called "Breaking into Print," specifically lesbian fiction. And I've literally already written a book. But before I even did the math to see how much it would cost me, I was already talking myself out of going because I knew nothing would from it. I wouldn't meet anybody. I wouldn't even make a friend, a connection. Because that's not who I am anymore. I'm a shell of a person, I guess. At least that's how people make me feel by not wanting me in their life basically at all. It really is way too expensive of a trip anyway, but if an actual real relationship were to come out of this, or even a lead that ended up getting my book published, then Hell yeah! This thousand  dollar trip or whatever the exact amount is (but that's pretty accurate) would TOTALLY be worth it. Worth every single penny if one of those 2 things were to happen. But I can't even talk myself into believing that that is even the remotest of possibilities, not nowadays. I used to have even the slightest bit of hope that something could come out of all my efforts, but once it doesn't, for the 12 hundredth time... it just starts to feel like you're pushing something that's never going to happen. Maybe if I had friends encouraging me, believing in me, cheering me on to do it. But I really don't even have that anymore. I think they've all given up on me. I'm 35. If it was going to happen, it would've happened by now, right? Which brings me back to the million reasons. I don't think you always need a reason to stay, to go on. I think you sometimes just need to CHOOSE to. The easy way out is to take your own life. But that would be your legacy. It wouldn't matter if you cured AIDS or fed the homeless, people would most remember you for doing that. I'm sorry but it's true. You can get a pass if you have some horrible sickness that you were going to die from anyway, then it's out of mercy, but other than that, it's just taking the easy way out. Life is hard. Life sucks. I am always alone every single day of my life. It literally never happens that someone asks ME out of the blue to hang out, and then it actually happens. I'm the one that asks people to hang and 99% of the time they have a valid reason why they can't, but it still stings. It still makes me feel like I'm not even the least bit important to them. Or even if they do ask, something falls through and they end up cancelling, literally every single time. I'm not even that important to my parents because I didn't marry a guy and have children like literally every other female in their 30s does. But it doesn't mean that I can't go on. I may not be normal. I may not do things the way every one else my age does them, but I can still hang in there. Hanging in there is better than nothing. Writing is better than keeping it inside. Eating pizza is better than drugs. Technically they can both kill you if you overdose, but there's a greater chance with the latter, plus your brain gets pretty fucked up on them.
So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. You keep finding your reasons or you keep hanging in there. You can also fight and try and maybe you'll get lucky, but I've never been one of the lucky ones.

"That's all I have to say about that."

Between the reality of the "leaders" of our fair country and the reality of my own personal life... it's no wonder I escape into my stories, both the fictional ones I write and the fictional ones I watch. One cannot possibly roll their eyes any higher, when talking about our President and all his little minions. I still haven't accepted it and think we're being Punk'd by some other country. We're just gonna wake up one day and realize this whole nightmare was just another fake reality TV show. Only we're not... it's real. When I think about the voters and how I personally voted as well in this election, fearing that it was the most important election in my 35 years on this planet and I HAD to, it wasn't even a choice; in the end, although popular vote dictated the opposite way, it really didn't matter that I voted. Some secret club or some hacking job or whatever you want to believe is the cause, were going to have their way no matter what. That's kind of how it feels with our President. I can't even say his name, but you'd have to be literally not figuratively, living under a rock on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean, to not know who I am talking about. It feels like he's this highly mentally unstable toddler who will not just throw a tantrum to get his way, but will also use his "words" which are actually lies, to convince a certain population of Americans, that what he says is the god honest truth. I'm starting to realize that he might in fact think that everything he says is the truth, which is much more disturbing than if he knew he was lying, but just wanted people to like him... to me that ship has not only sailed but was never docked at the port to begin with, but obviously there are people that like him or we wouldn't be where we are. And then I hear about people calling their state representatives to openly oppose a certain candidate, something I've never heard people being that invested in, in my entire life. But did it matter? Did they convince anyone? No. It's starting to feel like an "it's my way or the highway" Presidency and not at all what America was built on, what it stands for. But I guess at least there are some people of Authority not under his tiny thumbs... for instance the Supreme Court. They might be the only ones and something tells me our President could literally not figuratively sic dogs on them and they just wouldn't exist anymore. It feels like he could do anything. A big fat bully could do anything he wanted. It's feeling more and more reminiscent of a certain leader who shall remain nameless but who was around back in the day and took out an entire culture of people... well, anywho. This will be my one and only "political" blog, if you can even call it that. It's more of my revulsion of one person...and I guess everyone who backs him too, than it is of an entire party or of politics in general... although if I'm being honest, it all disgusts me, so who am I kidding? That's all I'm going to say about that.
But one of the points I was going to make is just that it feels like one person can't change something as big of a scale as this. Even many people can't change all of this. So many people have tried to make their voice known and it didn't matter. That's extremely disconcerting and extremely un-American. To have this state of helplessness just feels like piling on an already high pile of personal helplessness. Sure people will disagree and say you always gotta try no matter what and yeah I guess you do, but at what point do you give up? I'm not one of those people who think they have an amazing voice and will audition year after year on American Idol even after the judges and all of America have made fun of them and told them they are awful and need to stop singing, at least in public. I know my limits I know my abilities. I know when to stop. I can stop binge watching a show, I don't watch all 13 episodes in one day. That's crazy town to me. I don't eat any entire carton of ice cream in one sitting. And when it comes to trying to meet people and get out there, I have my limits. I don't have a certain number and I haven't counted them all up, but when you've tried for years with not only not making a new friendship that lasts, but not even making a connection with one person that turns into a real dating experience....I just feel like I've reached it, my breaking point. The end of the road. Whatever road that is. It's not just difficult, it feels impossible. I think that's why when I write these stories in which I ALWAYS meet a girl and connect with her and end up in a serious relationship that makes it; there is also always a "fantastical" element to them. There's always something else to them that's not possible. There's alternate universes, wormholes, a 1995 me that was not my actual life, a response to a letter I wrote someone that doesn't even know me. Or events in which I find myself in with the "Hollywood crowd" which to me are people like Kate McKinnon, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig ect. (all the funny women of Hollywood). I include these things to make me feel better about the normal part of meeting a woman: connecting, dating, relationship part NOT happening in my real life. I'm like, well all those other things which led to me meeting the love of my life can't possibly happen, so in essence finding HER can't possibly happen either. They are interconnected. Of course I know that isn't true or how the world works. People meet and connect and fall in love and choose to spend their lives together every single day, without something like a wormhole opening up in order to find them or she literally dropping down from the sky. But to me, meeting someone that wants to get to know me longer than like a couple times seems just as impossible as all that other stuff. Sometimes thinking that that celebrity you sent a letter to, will respond to you, makes more sense than me meeting someone on a dating site, at a meet up group, out in the normal people world any given day. Why? Because I've tried all those things dozens of times and came up flat. And I've only tried the letter thing...twice. I'm a perfectly pleasant, funny, kind, loving person who works with special needs babies. So what's your problem "other women"? Or God? Or Universe?
And so to quote Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."