I don't feel like a real person. Let me explain. Real people have husbands or wives and in-laws that drive them crazy, but ya gotta love 'em. They have children that they get to see the wonder and awe through, at Christmas time, when everything is so magical and anything could happen. They are one half of a couple, buying their first house together or getting a dog together as a test to see if they're ready to have kids yet. Real people date. They go on eharmony or get set up on blind dates by their friends. They go out with their friends every Saturday night and paint the town, dancing at clubs, getting hit on and drinking too much. (not saying I want to do that last part, because I definitely do not). But real people live a life that is outside the walls of their house. They don't write a 65 page story of the near future where they're married to a Canadian actress that doesn't even know they exist and will never know. They don't begin writing another story, this one about their 15 year old self, but with a completely different life and situation and family. Someone who is the same person inside as they were at 15...but with a much earlier understanding of the deepest parts of themselves. A part unexplored until 31...which makes her feel like she's too late to the party. Too late to the game. The rules have already been explained, teams picked, heck the game's nearing on half-time... showing up now is pointless and you are completely lost as to what's going on. Who's gonna want this non-real person? A real person can label themselves and know it's true because they've lived it and experienced that label, not because it's how they feel inside or what they want. How can you call yourself a Mom if you have no kids? Or a wife if you have no significant other? Or a lesbian if you've never been with a woman...
I don't think I've come out and said that before on this blog. I danced around it and eluded to it. I wrote a blog titled "my truth" and talked about it in a somewhat vague way, but I've never used that actual term. I really haven't even said it that much out loud to people. I feel like I'm not allowed to. If I haven't kissed a girl...and more (other than in my dreams or in print in my stories), than how can I say that I am? I don't say this because I'm questioning it or wondering anymore about my sexuality. I am way past that stage. It's been 2 and a half years. I know. I've felt something deep down that I never felt with the other sex. Both in movie scenes and in real life. My stomach does this flipping/butterfly fluttering/dropping thing all at the same time. I had never felt that before in my life. It's intense and it's real. It's deep down in my soul. Just because I haven't been with a girl, doesn't mean I don't know that I'm gay. And I guess right there I answered my own question. I know I'll meet girls (women. But I think most women say 'girls', but they mean women, it sounds weird I know), who will refuse to be with me in that way due to the fact I never have been with one of them before. They will say I'm just experimenting, and they have a right to say that. I'm sure they've been dumped by girlfriends who immediately go back to guys. I never landed on guys, so I'm good. No worries there. I don't have a desire for that. It was just something I was gonna suck up and do come wedding night. I was so one-track minded. Find a guy, get married and have 3 or 4 kids. Heck it's what every friend I went to school with through college, did. It's the only reference point I had. There were no other options in my mind. How could there be? What other life is there than one of being a good wife and mother? I certainly never thought I'd be here; still single at 33, after switching teams 2 and a half years ago. Can I not have one girlfriend, at the very least? Geez. The first one doesn't even have to be "the one." I honestly don't care. I just want someone that wants me, that's attracted to me, that's nice and I'm equally attracted to. We can be friends first, heck we can be only friends... as long as there's a least a little something extra. I have enough straight girlfriends who get all the extra stuff in the world with their husbands. I don't need another boring straight friend (no offense). I don't just want someone to talk to, even though that is where it should start and build from there, I'm not a one-night stand kinda girl. No way. I have to really care for this girl and really like her and really be attracted to her for all this to go down. Anyways, enough painting a picture. But this is all why I don't feel like a "real person." Real people have connections with other real people, that I just don't seem to have anymore. I don't seem to make them anymore. Maybe people have changed, maybe I have changed. I certainly do think the internet has changed people. It doesn't foster face to face interactions. Social interactions are not the same as they were even just 10 years ago. I can't even get the friends I do have for a face to face interaction. It's all text nowadays. I sound like an old person. "These kids and their texting." I am of course one of them. Texting is better than nothing, otherwise they wouldn't be in my life at all. But it's not better than seeing them and touching them and hugging them, knowing that they are really listening to you and responding to you in real time, because they are actually staring at you in the face, not just responding via text whenever they get around to it. That's so out dated now-face to face, more specifically body to body, because Skype doesn't count. And that makes me really sad for us. At least we haven't moved to a place where children are being raised by robots and you only communicate with your partner through typing, while they live in a completely different house. If this is your life, then you might need to reevaluate it.
The thing is, I do love staying inside all day with my cat and doing nothing but binge watching a show and writing all day, never getting out of my pajamas. I of course don't do this every day, but it's a pretty good day in my book. Of course I would love someone there with me binge watching Orange is the new black or Lost girl or some other hot lesbian show. I do find purpose and joy in playing with my cat and giving her love and attention, since I work all day 5 days a week and if I go out of town for a long weekend, that's even worse, because she doesn't like anyone but me. I love writing. I love escaping into a world I create for myself. I love thinking back on it throughout the day when I need to get away for a moment at my crazy job with all the crazy people. I don't want to give that up, my writing. I never will. Sometimes it's all I want to do, I just can't get enough of it. It's like when Mollie's asleep on my chest and I just can't get enough of her. I miss her. Like while she's sleeping on me, I miss her right then. I love her so much my heart feels like it'll explode. She has the weight of a baby, but she's soft and silky, which a baby is not. And she doesn't ruin the moment with a stinky diaper or grow too big to sleep on my chest. Cats are just the best. People who don't like them (and I mean as a whole) are just tunnel vision and not open minded people. Not all cats are evil. And maybe they're evil because they know you don't like them. I won't say anything bad about dogs, I won't stoop to cat-haters level. I'll just mention the dog in "UP." And that is all.
I always have trouble ending these blog posts. I don't know how to conclude. I hate summations. I also find it difficult in the stories I write. That's why I haven't ended any of them. Well that and I'm not done yet. I have so much more to say; in my stories and in life. These blogs could go on forever. That would be awesome. Me at 70, still typing these blogs... or more likely speaking into a computer and letting it do the typing. But by then I won't be saying I'm not a "real" person anymore. I'll be saying I lived a wonderful and fulfilling life, in however the pieces fell. Do what you can. Things will happen, but make of them what you will and try to always find some way to express yourself. Real people express themselves... guess I'm real after all.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
Aliens and Space
This topic is completely out of my normal realm of what I always talk about on this blog. So it's not about being alone and single and how that sucks. Shocking, I know. I'll give you a moment to pick your jaw off the floor and gather yourself.
I was thinking about planets. Like the solar system and life on other planets, stuff like that. I LOVE space or in particular- alien- movies. But ironically I have no desire to see the 80s movie titled "Alien." Like all horror movies from the 70s and 80s, I saw a scene here and there in multiple horror movies like Poltergiest, The Exorcist, Alien, Nightmare on Elm street ect., due to my mom's love of them and her complete disregard that I lived in the same house as her and it was daytime and I could walk into the room at any moment in the movie. See mom? Scarred me for life. It took me 4 years to finally watch "The Walking Dead." I swore I never would, because zombies creep the hell outta me. But now I am completely hooked after one episode, and now I'm more excited for each new episode to come on TV, more than I have been about any show ever. I literally drive to my parents house every Sunday to watch in on their TV, since I don't have cable. But I love it because of the character development and incredible storylines, not the blood and gore. I don't watch horror movies that are meant to just disgust you and give you nightmares and are poorly acted and often have terrible endings, from what I hear. After I watched "The Ring" with my Dad during the daytime at home way back when, I swore those movies off forever. Creepiest movie ever. But back to aliens and space. I guess it's on my mind because tomorrow I'm going to see the newest space movie- Interstellar. Although I don't believe it has anything to do with aliens..but that could be the twist. I love thinking about what's out there. I would never want to travel to space or meet an alien face to face, but I sure love to watch movies about them. Independence Day, Men in Black, Gravity, District 9 (just to name a few off the top of my head). I love them all! Like I said, I would never want to face an alien, but it's fun to watch other people deal with them. And if I were Sandy on Gravity, I would flip the hell out and no way would I make it home like she did. (spoiler alert). Sorry, hope you already saw it.
I personally think that there are life forms on other planets. I don't think they are intelligent enough to build a spaceship with working buttons and lights and all that and fly it here, but even if they did, they couldn't breathe here. If we can't breathe in space, I think our atmosphere would crush their lungs, much like theirs crushes ours, and our faces (according to many a movie). I think literally the scariest and also realistic (if you're a astronaut), way to die would be to float around space without a tether. When the oxygen runs out, would you just fall asleep in your helmet? Or would you gasp for air and die? Not something I would want to find out. And burning up due to floating too close to the sun, well let's not discuss that! That would literally be the worst way to go, if you were still alive at that point. Wow. All things that are scary enough just watching an actor portray on the big screen... no need to experience it myself. But also why I think there is life on other planets is because, why then are there even planets to begin with? What's the point of them if no one lives on them? Maybe I should know this. Maybe I didn't pay close enough attention in science class. But I know without the sun there would be no life and without the moon there would be darkness and I think the tides would be messed up or something. But the other planets? The ones we aren't sure of what exactly is on them? What about them? Well, I think there's something there. Or some one. God didn't just make the planets for no reason. We can't even travel to most of them, which is a good thing. There's probably like some creepy creature with tentacle like arms that spits out poison onto smaller furry creatures that have razor sharp teeth... or something like that. And the dominate creatures the "people," well they speak in a language of clicks and taps and are intelligent enough to build cities with the rocks and precious metals found in their planets depths. They have their own "children" and they teach them to hunt for food and tell them that there are other planets out there with "creatures" on them as well. But none as highly involved as they are, they tell them. I guess there is "proof," aliens and spaceships exist because of all the Roswell stuff back in the 50s. So I guess some of them can fly here in spaceships. Who knows. I don't see how they have the materials on their planet to make a ship designed to come this far, but maybe I'm an ignorant human. Maybe an alien on another planet will read this blog because they have access to the internet somehow on their planet and they are saying- "you stupid human! We are smarter than your entire race put together." Well, if you are reading this, Alien sir, please do not come here and kill me. I'm just joking. You are totally capable of building a spaceship to get here and you are the ultimate intelligent race. Ok? Just don't hurt me please. Thank you. Good night and good luck.
I was thinking about planets. Like the solar system and life on other planets, stuff like that. I LOVE space or in particular- alien- movies. But ironically I have no desire to see the 80s movie titled "Alien." Like all horror movies from the 70s and 80s, I saw a scene here and there in multiple horror movies like Poltergiest, The Exorcist, Alien, Nightmare on Elm street ect., due to my mom's love of them and her complete disregard that I lived in the same house as her and it was daytime and I could walk into the room at any moment in the movie. See mom? Scarred me for life. It took me 4 years to finally watch "The Walking Dead." I swore I never would, because zombies creep the hell outta me. But now I am completely hooked after one episode, and now I'm more excited for each new episode to come on TV, more than I have been about any show ever. I literally drive to my parents house every Sunday to watch in on their TV, since I don't have cable. But I love it because of the character development and incredible storylines, not the blood and gore. I don't watch horror movies that are meant to just disgust you and give you nightmares and are poorly acted and often have terrible endings, from what I hear. After I watched "The Ring" with my Dad during the daytime at home way back when, I swore those movies off forever. Creepiest movie ever. But back to aliens and space. I guess it's on my mind because tomorrow I'm going to see the newest space movie- Interstellar. Although I don't believe it has anything to do with aliens..but that could be the twist. I love thinking about what's out there. I would never want to travel to space or meet an alien face to face, but I sure love to watch movies about them. Independence Day, Men in Black, Gravity, District 9 (just to name a few off the top of my head). I love them all! Like I said, I would never want to face an alien, but it's fun to watch other people deal with them. And if I were Sandy on Gravity, I would flip the hell out and no way would I make it home like she did. (spoiler alert). Sorry, hope you already saw it.
I personally think that there are life forms on other planets. I don't think they are intelligent enough to build a spaceship with working buttons and lights and all that and fly it here, but even if they did, they couldn't breathe here. If we can't breathe in space, I think our atmosphere would crush their lungs, much like theirs crushes ours, and our faces (according to many a movie). I think literally the scariest and also realistic (if you're a astronaut), way to die would be to float around space without a tether. When the oxygen runs out, would you just fall asleep in your helmet? Or would you gasp for air and die? Not something I would want to find out. And burning up due to floating too close to the sun, well let's not discuss that! That would literally be the worst way to go, if you were still alive at that point. Wow. All things that are scary enough just watching an actor portray on the big screen... no need to experience it myself. But also why I think there is life on other planets is because, why then are there even planets to begin with? What's the point of them if no one lives on them? Maybe I should know this. Maybe I didn't pay close enough attention in science class. But I know without the sun there would be no life and without the moon there would be darkness and I think the tides would be messed up or something. But the other planets? The ones we aren't sure of what exactly is on them? What about them? Well, I think there's something there. Or some one. God didn't just make the planets for no reason. We can't even travel to most of them, which is a good thing. There's probably like some creepy creature with tentacle like arms that spits out poison onto smaller furry creatures that have razor sharp teeth... or something like that. And the dominate creatures the "people," well they speak in a language of clicks and taps and are intelligent enough to build cities with the rocks and precious metals found in their planets depths. They have their own "children" and they teach them to hunt for food and tell them that there are other planets out there with "creatures" on them as well. But none as highly involved as they are, they tell them. I guess there is "proof," aliens and spaceships exist because of all the Roswell stuff back in the 50s. So I guess some of them can fly here in spaceships. Who knows. I don't see how they have the materials on their planet to make a ship designed to come this far, but maybe I'm an ignorant human. Maybe an alien on another planet will read this blog because they have access to the internet somehow on their planet and they are saying- "you stupid human! We are smarter than your entire race put together." Well, if you are reading this, Alien sir, please do not come here and kill me. I'm just joking. You are totally capable of building a spaceship to get here and you are the ultimate intelligent race. Ok? Just don't hurt me please. Thank you. Good night and good luck.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Que sera sera
As I sit here on my rocker chair from IKEA, in my front doorway, eating my Rasin Bran with omega-3 and flaxseed and pretending it's healthy, while watching my cat sit on the wet walkway in the drizzling rain (just cuz she thinks she "has" to be outside); I ponder my boring, safe life... and the fact that I use too many run on sentences, perhaps. But mostly I think about the safe life I live. And how I've given up on "signs," thinking that seeing something random, has some kind of meaning and foreshadowing of the future. I don't believe in any of it anymore. I've seen too many signs that never led to anything, wished on too many stars and birthday candles, and prayed for far too long with nothing to show for it. Nothing happens for a reason. It just happens, or it doesn't happen. Nothing is "meant to be." Everything is random, and nothing has meaning unless you want it to have meaning. Unless you are determined to find the meaning in it. You can find a penny on the ground and if that day you have good luck, well good for you. It was because it just happened to go that way, not because you found that penny. Fortune cookies don't foretell the future and wishes on birthday candles don't come true, unless your parents already knew you wanted that pony and got it for you for your birthday before you even blew out your candles. Once you realize that signs don't mean anything, you can just live your life however you choose to live it and stop looking for meaning in everything, stop taking signs to mean something good is coming your way very soon. You can base all your decisions on what you want to do, and if you fail, well at least you can say you tried. Or you can not try at all and just say that you didn't really want it that badly anyway. I live a pretty safe life. I'm pretty ok with that. Taking risks almost always ends in disappointment for me; I would say 9 out of 10 times. Even when I thought, "I'm glad I did go to that group thing, cuz I made a new friend!" Turns out it was just a fluke. I made a "weekend friend," or a "couple times" friend. It's cool though. I don't really need a lot of friends. I don't really need more than one or 2..or just one. And even then it's just become texting only now, but it's better than nothing.
I'm meeting a possible new friend (or more), this weekend. I say "meeting" because for the past almost 2 months now, we've only communicated through email. I don't think I'm really that nervous, this time around. Not because I'm so cool and collected and easy going about it. And also not because I don't care. But mostly because I don't have expectations for it. I can't. I can't keep getting disappointed when I think I've made a new friend, only to discover it was more of a one-time or couple times, thing. A "one-night stand friendship", if you will. I can't have expectations anymore, for anybody. That's setting me up for disappointment. That's putting too much pressure on that person (even though they don't know it). It's too much of me "putting all my eggs in one basket" and it has to stop. I have to accept that I'm not going to have a group of friends like those portrayed on TV sitcoms with 20-30 somethings as the main group of characters. I'm just not. I don't think that's realistic. People my age don't just hang out with one group of people, all of them together all of the time. Like they're their own family. People my age have different random friends they see separately at random times. Or they have their spouse and other couple friends. Now meeting one person and starting a family and spending all your days together; that's a totally different story. That IS realistic. It's not just on a TV sitcom; it's in real life too, but anyway...
All of that's not to say I'm not a little hopeful for Saturday. I am a little hopeful...that I have met a real friend that I can hang out with more than a couple of times. That she could possibly be something more someday. Of course I hope for that. I hope that we have chemistry and connection face to face and not just our common shared interests and our passion for good music and how it changes our life everyday. That's a big deal though. I'm passionate for my music and movies and my TV shows especially, and to find someone I can geek out over that stuff with, and not feel like a loser who doesn't have a "real" life like they do (aka a husband and kids), well that's pretty damn special to find. I'd love to find all 3 of those passions in someone someday, but we'll see.
There is something to be said about playing it safe though. (I didn't use quotation marks that time because I feel that I've reached the maximum amount of quotation marks allowed per blog, and almost about to reach my limit on parentheses). But anyways, playing it safe, staying home with my cat, is not only relaxing, but it's also easy and risk-free. And I think less chance of being killed, if you stay home. That sounds weird. Scratch that. Although technically it is true. I also get to fully charge my batteries so that when I do go out, I can make it count. And like that one time when I was mistaken for a "extrovert," something like that would never happen if I was going out all of the time and running myself down, both physically and socially. Because I am definitely not someone who feeds off of others and needs to be around a lot of people. Give me one person to listen to acoustic music at a coffee shop with or watch a movie under a blanket with, and I'll be a happy gal. I like playing it safe for now. If something really moves me and pushes me to do something. Something deep down inside me that won't leave me alone, then I'll most likely pursue it or at least look into it. But complacency isn't the worst thing in the world. Spiraling downward, chasing the rabbit down the hole, falling into a pit, those are all worst things. Setting goals and reaching them is good and all, but not something I'm into really. I like who I am, and I have grown into who I am now, naturally I think. I worked at some things I guess, but more because I was at the end of my rope and it was do something or live in hopeless depression, and enough is enough of all that. Everything is cool, everything is fine. It's alright. I feel like those are lyrics to a song, but I don' t know which one. It's kind of weird now, when I see signs. I make a conscious effort to not read into them. And now I can't even remember what they were. I think it's good for me. The less disappointment I create for myself, the better off I am. Disappointment will come naturally and out of my control anyway. I don't need to put more opportunities of it into my life. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. That's how I choose to live my life. Whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...(aka signs don't mean diddly squat) ;o)
I'm meeting a possible new friend (or more), this weekend. I say "meeting" because for the past almost 2 months now, we've only communicated through email. I don't think I'm really that nervous, this time around. Not because I'm so cool and collected and easy going about it. And also not because I don't care. But mostly because I don't have expectations for it. I can't. I can't keep getting disappointed when I think I've made a new friend, only to discover it was more of a one-time or couple times, thing. A "one-night stand friendship", if you will. I can't have expectations anymore, for anybody. That's setting me up for disappointment. That's putting too much pressure on that person (even though they don't know it). It's too much of me "putting all my eggs in one basket" and it has to stop. I have to accept that I'm not going to have a group of friends like those portrayed on TV sitcoms with 20-30 somethings as the main group of characters. I'm just not. I don't think that's realistic. People my age don't just hang out with one group of people, all of them together all of the time. Like they're their own family. People my age have different random friends they see separately at random times. Or they have their spouse and other couple friends. Now meeting one person and starting a family and spending all your days together; that's a totally different story. That IS realistic. It's not just on a TV sitcom; it's in real life too, but anyway...
All of that's not to say I'm not a little hopeful for Saturday. I am a little hopeful...that I have met a real friend that I can hang out with more than a couple of times. That she could possibly be something more someday. Of course I hope for that. I hope that we have chemistry and connection face to face and not just our common shared interests and our passion for good music and how it changes our life everyday. That's a big deal though. I'm passionate for my music and movies and my TV shows especially, and to find someone I can geek out over that stuff with, and not feel like a loser who doesn't have a "real" life like they do (aka a husband and kids), well that's pretty damn special to find. I'd love to find all 3 of those passions in someone someday, but we'll see.
There is something to be said about playing it safe though. (I didn't use quotation marks that time because I feel that I've reached the maximum amount of quotation marks allowed per blog, and almost about to reach my limit on parentheses). But anyways, playing it safe, staying home with my cat, is not only relaxing, but it's also easy and risk-free. And I think less chance of being killed, if you stay home. That sounds weird. Scratch that. Although technically it is true. I also get to fully charge my batteries so that when I do go out, I can make it count. And like that one time when I was mistaken for a "extrovert," something like that would never happen if I was going out all of the time and running myself down, both physically and socially. Because I am definitely not someone who feeds off of others and needs to be around a lot of people. Give me one person to listen to acoustic music at a coffee shop with or watch a movie under a blanket with, and I'll be a happy gal. I like playing it safe for now. If something really moves me and pushes me to do something. Something deep down inside me that won't leave me alone, then I'll most likely pursue it or at least look into it. But complacency isn't the worst thing in the world. Spiraling downward, chasing the rabbit down the hole, falling into a pit, those are all worst things. Setting goals and reaching them is good and all, but not something I'm into really. I like who I am, and I have grown into who I am now, naturally I think. I worked at some things I guess, but more because I was at the end of my rope and it was do something or live in hopeless depression, and enough is enough of all that. Everything is cool, everything is fine. It's alright. I feel like those are lyrics to a song, but I don' t know which one. It's kind of weird now, when I see signs. I make a conscious effort to not read into them. And now I can't even remember what they were. I think it's good for me. The less disappointment I create for myself, the better off I am. Disappointment will come naturally and out of my control anyway. I don't need to put more opportunities of it into my life. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. That's how I choose to live my life. Whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...(aka signs don't mean diddly squat) ;o)
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