Dear future love,
First of all are you even out there? I hope this letter isn't all in vain. I've been writing to you in some shape or form since I was 16 years old. The first time I ever did, was after I saw Dirty Dancing and wanted to dance with someone just like that. I knew I didn't have a thing for Patrick Swayze, but it didn't even occur to me at the time that Baby was who I really wanted. Well I do have a thing for curly hair, (not that you have to hair curly hair, just saying). I actually identified with Frances "Baby" Houseman because I was young and innocent and naive about everything back then. I was dorky like her, carrying a watermelon and snorting when she laughed. I couldn't really dance that well, but with a lover for a trainer, I thought, maybe I could!
I often think if I'm doing enough to find you. Big, social gatherings that are loud, alcohol ridding, smoke filled atmospheres aren't working for me. I can't hear myself talk, let alone another person.
I don't know if you feel me out here waiting for me. I don't know if you are waiting for me to find you too, but I'm here! I'm waving my arms in a sea of people, can't you see me? Do you know I yearn for you? I ache for you. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. Why aren't you here yet? Where are you? Do you live nearby or are you hundreds of miles away? Why are you taking so long? Please hurry. Stat. I don't want to go another day, I don't want to go another moment without you here by my side. Each day that goes by is a reminder that you aren't here with me and that makes me sad.
I long to know your name. To see your face. To hear your voice talking to me till midnight. To hold your hand in mine. I want to know your heart. What you're passionate about, what makes you tick? The people that changed your life forever, both good and bad? I want to be one of those good ones. I'm ready for you. I'm trying to look for you, but I have a feeling you're not at Target, (where I find myself often), but I'm sure we will go there all the time when we are together, because who doesn't love Target? ;o)
Be careful, be good. Look for me and I will look for you. I don't really look like my blog picture, but you'll know it's me when you meet me. Because we were meant to be together, and the love I have for you and the love you have for me is driving us together, hopefully in a straight line. It's the only thing straight about us. I'm being pulled to you and you being pushed to me. Don't pass me by. I will stop if you do.
all my love,
Christie
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
And the moral of the story is...
I got a letter from Baylor, my Alma Mater. The first sentence goes, "I am sure it is hard for you to believe that almost 10 years have passed since you were a student at Baylor University." In some ways he's right, I can't believe it. 10 years? It gives me a pang in my stomach thinking about that. What the fuck? I know I have done a lot in 10 years, I've lived in Colorado, moved out there all alone knowing no one, starting a new life there. Not many of my friends I graduated from Baylor with can say that. A lot of them started a new life WITH someone. I've had 3 jobs at 3 different Early Childhood Intervention programs. I've helped gosh 100 babies and their families struggling with and learning of their child's developmental delays and disabilities. Maybe even more, I was never good at math. I practically failed "Math for elementary teachers" at Baylor. True story. I did not know what the hell they were talking about in that class. It made no sense to me. And since I couldn't learn how to break down math and teach it in a different way in that class, I knew it wouldn't be possible out with the children of the world. I fell in love with ECI at Baylor during my practicum class. I went to smelly homes and sat on disgusting floors, with the cockroaches, but I was teaching a baby the first steps of their life. The first developmental moments, and that felt really good. Changing their life and teaching parents to help their own child. Empowering them (that's a really hard thing to do.) But this blog isn't about my job. I know this last year has been a HUGE transition and life change for me. Coming out to oneself, friends, family, others out there in the world that you interact with is a huge deal. It was exactly one year ago that I began to have feelings for a straight friend and started this long process and journey. A LOT of self reflection, counseling, crying, unsureness, and an amazing weekend last summer at a friend's ranch out in the countryside in the middle of nowhere (all alone with no outside world or media distraction), all were part of my journey I took to get here. And I have amazing friends that in the beginning really allowed me to process this with them with no judgement and just love and acceptance. Jen, Amy, Bekah and Natalie, if you read this, I love you and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Y'all rock.
I don't want to say it. I don't want to say what I'm always thinking. Why am I still alone after 10 years as a real adult in the real world? Why after 10 years has everyone I was friends with at Baylor (and I mean everyone), have a husband that loves them and most even have children? I want them to have all that. I wouldn't change that even if I had the power to control lives. But if I did have the power, I would drive a force out into the universe and draw my love to me. Like a magnet. I would pull her to me. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I would just pull LOVE to me. It could have come in either body. I don't know what I would have done with a male body, it's weird and gross. Lol. But what have you, I would use a literal force of energy like lightening bolts to pull 'em to me. Not in the "laws of attraction" type of way, just in the magical powers like in Harry Potter kind of way. I know a "spell" would be bad, because they wouldn't have a choice to come to me. But maybe just my willpower would send her to where I was, at the exact same moment in time. So we could meet and fall in love and live both happily (and unhappily at times) ever after. Maybe I am pulling her to me slowly. But I wish it was more quickly. It frustrates me to no end that this hasn't happened yet. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I have to be perfect and whole and have the confidence of a lion in order to have someone to love. That's not fair. Not everyone in this world that has someone was like that when they met each other. This lady I met at this group meeting who I swear was like a mind reader or fortune teller or something, totally "read" everyone in the room. After she gave a talk and had watched everyone listen and react to her or even speak up, she went around the room pointed out every one's "flaws" or maybe lets just call them "qualities" that make them who they are. One girl makes jokes because to be serious is too scary. One girl could get walked all over because she's too nice and quiet. And me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm very self aware and care too much what people think of me. I have to agree with the first 2 things. But I don't think I really care too much what people think, but I can see how those things can go together. She didn't know that the mere fact that I go to events and groups and social gatherings with people I've never met, is a really huge deal for me. That it was really hard for me to get out there and take a risk with people again, after the extreme loss I felt after college and when Colorado nose dived into the group, socially. I can't say that I even enjoyed 95% of the new groups or events or social gatherings I've tried. Every once in a while I do. I really enjoyed the coming out workshop at church. It was very helpful and supportive and beneficial and I even made a couple new friends from it. Even one that happen to live 4 houses down, how crazy is that?! She's right I'm not comfortable with new people because I don't know them yet. I don't know their personalities, I don't know if they are going to be in my face, abrupt, with no filter and call me weird to my face...true story. It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying to meet people, I keep getting back on the horse. You never know who you might meet, or who might know someone that you need to meet through them. I haven't had ANY success with that yet, and believe me I've asked people...
I feel that I've digressed from where I began, and I apologize for that. I think my head is full of a lot of stuff tonight. Also in the back of my head is saying to me- remember you are going to join match.com and okcupid this weekend! You gotta work on your profile! But then I remember how long and hard I worked on my eharmony one several years ago and no one wanted to talk to me or go out with me, so I think I may just throw this one together and not think too hard on it. I think people only care about pictures anyway. Unfortunately that's the way the world works...
But back to Baylor! Yeah so 10 years is a really long time. In some ways it went by fast, but remembering memories from there...it does seem like a million years ago. When my hair was as short as a boy's and my denim overalls were my favorite outfit to wear. They don't cling to your stomach, how could there be anything better??
A lot DOES happen in 10 years. But it only takes a day or a moment for your life to change. I am thankful that this moment my cat is playing out back and I'm feeling the cool breeze come in through the window and that I'm relaxing in my amazing home decorated to the T exactly the way I want, with pictures and collages and words and COLOR and I don't have to change a single thing if I don't want to! I may not have anyone in my life telling me or showing me they love me on a regular basis. But I do have friends that love me no matter what. I may hardly see them it feels like, but they would be there for me if I needed them...even if it's just in text form. Thank god for text. I mean, seriously. I would be SO much more lonely and full of despair and feelings that no one loves me or cares, if text message hadn't been invented. Even if my friends are busy with life or love or wrangling kids, they can still at some point (most of the time), respond to a text with a kind word or acknowledgement that I still exist. Isn't that what Facebook is about? Reminding the world that we exist. Look at me! Don't forget me! Someone love me! It's all about YOU on your page. Even if you are talking about something other than yourself, it's still something that interests you or explaining how you feel about a certain situation or event.
So I feel like this blog initially started out with ONE focus, but merged into many more topics or focuses. But that's why it's called Christie's contemplations, with a "s." The moral of this story is: come up with your own moral. I'm not a fable book writer! ;o)
And don't forget that even if you're not where you thought you would be, 10 years ago, you've still done a lot and grown a ton and contributed to the world in a million ways. My contribution isn't a couple kids I bore and share a home with, it's a hundred kids! I don't have just one love I see everyday and care for with such focus and intent, but rather many friends I love and care for and would be over at their house in 2 shakes, if they ever needed me to be. I love my godsons as if they were my own children, and my cat as if she was my an actual child. I don't love my friends as if they were my lovers..haha..because if I did the awkwardness would kill the friendship..and now I've killed this blog with that comment. So pretend I ended it before that last comment. And don't forget to still try, and still love, even if it doesn't immediately come back to you or bring that special someone to you, one day it will. One day it'll just happen, and boom. everything is yours. I'm not just talking to the blogosphere..I'm talking to myself. Don't ever give up on love. Love will find a way. I'm pretty sure I stole those lyrics from a song :op
I don't want to say it. I don't want to say what I'm always thinking. Why am I still alone after 10 years as a real adult in the real world? Why after 10 years has everyone I was friends with at Baylor (and I mean everyone), have a husband that loves them and most even have children? I want them to have all that. I wouldn't change that even if I had the power to control lives. But if I did have the power, I would drive a force out into the universe and draw my love to me. Like a magnet. I would pull her to me. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I would just pull LOVE to me. It could have come in either body. I don't know what I would have done with a male body, it's weird and gross. Lol. But what have you, I would use a literal force of energy like lightening bolts to pull 'em to me. Not in the "laws of attraction" type of way, just in the magical powers like in Harry Potter kind of way. I know a "spell" would be bad, because they wouldn't have a choice to come to me. But maybe just my willpower would send her to where I was, at the exact same moment in time. So we could meet and fall in love and live both happily (and unhappily at times) ever after. Maybe I am pulling her to me slowly. But I wish it was more quickly. It frustrates me to no end that this hasn't happened yet. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I have to be perfect and whole and have the confidence of a lion in order to have someone to love. That's not fair. Not everyone in this world that has someone was like that when they met each other. This lady I met at this group meeting who I swear was like a mind reader or fortune teller or something, totally "read" everyone in the room. After she gave a talk and had watched everyone listen and react to her or even speak up, she went around the room pointed out every one's "flaws" or maybe lets just call them "qualities" that make them who they are. One girl makes jokes because to be serious is too scary. One girl could get walked all over because she's too nice and quiet. And me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm very self aware and care too much what people think of me. I have to agree with the first 2 things. But I don't think I really care too much what people think, but I can see how those things can go together. She didn't know that the mere fact that I go to events and groups and social gatherings with people I've never met, is a really huge deal for me. That it was really hard for me to get out there and take a risk with people again, after the extreme loss I felt after college and when Colorado nose dived into the group, socially. I can't say that I even enjoyed 95% of the new groups or events or social gatherings I've tried. Every once in a while I do. I really enjoyed the coming out workshop at church. It was very helpful and supportive and beneficial and I even made a couple new friends from it. Even one that happen to live 4 houses down, how crazy is that?! She's right I'm not comfortable with new people because I don't know them yet. I don't know their personalities, I don't know if they are going to be in my face, abrupt, with no filter and call me weird to my face...true story. It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying to meet people, I keep getting back on the horse. You never know who you might meet, or who might know someone that you need to meet through them. I haven't had ANY success with that yet, and believe me I've asked people...
I feel that I've digressed from where I began, and I apologize for that. I think my head is full of a lot of stuff tonight. Also in the back of my head is saying to me- remember you are going to join match.com and okcupid this weekend! You gotta work on your profile! But then I remember how long and hard I worked on my eharmony one several years ago and no one wanted to talk to me or go out with me, so I think I may just throw this one together and not think too hard on it. I think people only care about pictures anyway. Unfortunately that's the way the world works...
But back to Baylor! Yeah so 10 years is a really long time. In some ways it went by fast, but remembering memories from there...it does seem like a million years ago. When my hair was as short as a boy's and my denim overalls were my favorite outfit to wear. They don't cling to your stomach, how could there be anything better??
A lot DOES happen in 10 years. But it only takes a day or a moment for your life to change. I am thankful that this moment my cat is playing out back and I'm feeling the cool breeze come in through the window and that I'm relaxing in my amazing home decorated to the T exactly the way I want, with pictures and collages and words and COLOR and I don't have to change a single thing if I don't want to! I may not have anyone in my life telling me or showing me they love me on a regular basis. But I do have friends that love me no matter what. I may hardly see them it feels like, but they would be there for me if I needed them...even if it's just in text form. Thank god for text. I mean, seriously. I would be SO much more lonely and full of despair and feelings that no one loves me or cares, if text message hadn't been invented. Even if my friends are busy with life or love or wrangling kids, they can still at some point (most of the time), respond to a text with a kind word or acknowledgement that I still exist. Isn't that what Facebook is about? Reminding the world that we exist. Look at me! Don't forget me! Someone love me! It's all about YOU on your page. Even if you are talking about something other than yourself, it's still something that interests you or explaining how you feel about a certain situation or event.
So I feel like this blog initially started out with ONE focus, but merged into many more topics or focuses. But that's why it's called Christie's contemplations, with a "s." The moral of this story is: come up with your own moral. I'm not a fable book writer! ;o)
And don't forget that even if you're not where you thought you would be, 10 years ago, you've still done a lot and grown a ton and contributed to the world in a million ways. My contribution isn't a couple kids I bore and share a home with, it's a hundred kids! I don't have just one love I see everyday and care for with such focus and intent, but rather many friends I love and care for and would be over at their house in 2 shakes, if they ever needed me to be. I love my godsons as if they were my own children, and my cat as if she was my an actual child. I don't love my friends as if they were my lovers..haha..because if I did the awkwardness would kill the friendship..and now I've killed this blog with that comment. So pretend I ended it before that last comment. And don't forget to still try, and still love, even if it doesn't immediately come back to you or bring that special someone to you, one day it will. One day it'll just happen, and boom. everything is yours. I'm not just talking to the blogosphere..I'm talking to myself. Don't ever give up on love. Love will find a way. I'm pretty sure I stole those lyrics from a song :op
Friday, May 3, 2013
PG-13 love
I want PG-13 love as much as I want X rated love...actually more, in fact. I want the hand holding, lying in bed together with the sheets covering all the good parts. I want lying on the couch fully clothed, talking about life and passionately making out, still fully clothed. Now don't get me wrong, I want all the naked stuff too, but all that stuff comes after all the PG-13 stuff. I want a love that's raw and real and honest. So maybe that part's not PG-13. Why is love so hard to find? It seems like if you didn't find it in college or before you hit about 28, you're pretty much screwed. So what about the people who didn't realize that what they wanted was the opposite of what they thought they always wanted and they were pushing 31 at the time?? What then? Where does that put me? Am I now 21 again, starting over on a different team? I'd like to think that, because then I have all the time in the world. What are the rules? Because I think there are rules. I seem to break all the rules anyway, so maybe it doesn't even matter. Unless you're almost 32, single and have been for 6 and a half years with not so much as a date, just switched sides, and grew up watching way too many Disney and rom-com movies, then you don't get a say it what I'm about to say. I have to find someone to spend my life with, or my life will never be complete. There has to be a reason I'm still single and I haven't figured it out yet. Here are the options: 1) there is something wrong with me that nobody is seeking me out or attracted to me. 2) God does not love me or trust me enough, to give me that special someone to care for to death do us part. 3) the right girl for me is currently in a relationship and therefore not looking for me, so as much as I try I'm not going to find her until she ends it with her current chick. And the worst possibly answer and I hope to God it's not true 4) I am going to be alone forever and never find anyone, because I'm not meant to be with anyone, I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I really really hope that the answer is number 3 and not 4. I feel ready. I know who I am, I'm confident, I'm ready to work on a relationship. Maybe I want it too much, but I can't want something less. Do you want your kids less? Do you want your house and your food and your job that pays for everything less? No! This is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not saying I can never have happy moments without this, because I have a lot of them, all the time, but I would only have more with that forever someone. And I would have sad moments and really tough moments too, I'm not a hopeless romantic idiot. But I know what I need and I do need this kind of love. This PG-13 love and more. Mollie helps, but she's not enough. Maybe having someone won't fill the void, but gosh darnit let me try! 6 and a half years of complete silence and utter lack of love is breaking me down. it's literally killing me. I go to the doctor on Monday and I'm wondering if I should ask if my body seems to be deteriorating from lack of love, because it feels like it. I need the weight of another human being on me. I'm not the kind of person willing to pay for this...well except for massage therapy. But the body goes with the spirit and soul and those would also be fed through the emotional connection of my soul mate, the deep impact of loving each other passionately with all our hearts. Caring about what the other thought about each other and wanting to better ourselves for that person and growing everyday. Showing that person and telling them how much they are appreciated, how much they are loved. I have no one. I can go a whole weekend without any friends checking in with me. I have a text relationship with the majority of my friends due to the fact they don't live near me or they just have more important people to spend their free face to face time with... ie: their own soul mate and or children. I want that. I don't think they deserve it more than me. We don't deserve anything. Love is a gift. I feel like I give it and I get it too from some of my closest friends, but not the consistency and intense level that they are receiving it from their most close loved ones. They ones THEY spend every day face to face with. I know I am blessed. I know I am more blessed than other people out there that barely are getting by. So it's not about what everyone else has, it's about what I need as a human being to survive in this crazy world. Love is everything. To those that have had it for the past 10 years and are the same age as me, you are the most luckiest human beings in the world and I hope you know that. Lucky is the word I choose. Blessed to me means that God would choose to bless some over others with the exact same thing they both want, and I don't like that at all. Lucky is more appropriate. The friends who have found someone that loves them and wants to be in their life everyday, they have won the lottery! Truly! I mean, the odds are about the same, when you look at the entire world as a whole. I don't know the real statistics, but I can only imagine the odds are stacked against us. Or maybe I'm just looking at Hollywood...But look at the ads and commercials. They all involve families. Granted they need to have more same-sex families portrayed in them, JC Penny does have this in their paper ads, but no one really looks at them anymore. But the point is, I think we are drilled into us from the moment we see our first TV show, movie, commercial or ad as a child...we have to find someone to spend our life with and start a family. If you are like me and were raised in the church, this is a much better example. The sad lonely 40 year olds or however old they were when I was a kid, were pitied, because they didn't have the wife/husband and at the very least 2 kids. That's really what the church caters too and thus telling their children they must want exactly this and seek this out. I can tell you right now, I just want ONE kid. Logistically, financially, emotionally, and for my sanity, I just want one. And not alone either! I won't have any if I don't get married. No way hose! (I can't figure out how to do the spanish accent mark) haha. I SO do not want to raise a child by myself, of my own choosing. I literally don't think I could handle it. I think I'd cry every day from lack of alone time. I've been single for 10 years after college and lived alone for the majority of it. Momma's used to her ME time, that's for sure. If I had gotten married right out of college, like so many others, (I would no doubt be really unhappy right now), but I probably would have 3 or 4 kids right now. Maybe I would love having that many kids. I used to want that, but times have changed. I'm too old to have that many, unless I want 3 in diapers, which I DO NOT. Life is funny. Life isn't always PG -13. My life seems pretty G rated (with all the babies I spend my days with for my job)...it's maybe PG on occasion. It gets R-rated when I'm in the car in traffic, or some teeny tiny random thing sets me off at home, but the big things of life I don't cuss at. Maybe that's why I cuss at the small things, the things I think I should be able to control...since I know there's no way in the world I can control the big things of my life. I wish I could. Maybe my next blog post I will write about my vision. The girl I visualize whenever I can, mostly in the car when I'm driving, for some reason. I think maybe because my head is clear on those drives in between home visits. Maybe she will appear like in the movie Ruby Sparks. Only I will not try to control her. I don't try to control people or big things. I know better than that. But how cool would that be if I wrote her and then I met her out in this crazy world. That would be awesome. To be your own rom-com; PG-13...and then eventually R...anything's better than my G rated life. ;o)
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