Why am I not getting it??? Obviously I am not understanding or accepting or believing or choosing to believe that I do not need someone special to make my life complete, or just to feel truly loved and special because that one person has chosen to be with me and I with them. I feel like everyone that already has someone (and thus I believe does not get to weigh in on this), says that I have to love myself more or I have to love God more or something I don't even know. Everyone says that no one will complete me yada yada yada. Ok fine. what do you want me to say? I agree? I can lie and agree with you. But I am lacking. I am lacking in attention. I am lacking in love. I am lacking in touch and being held and being kissed, and I can give myself a ton of attention and love all day long, but it's not the same as it coming from an actual human being who chooses me. Who loves me for who I am. Why does nobody get this? I don't understand why they don't understand my point of view. It's like they've been loved for far too long to remember what it feels like to have no one to come home to, that even knows if you're alive, that kisses you when you walk in the door and wants to hold you in their arms at night. If they have been with someone for most of their adult after 21 life, then how on earth am I supposed to believe them? How on earth am I suppose to trust them? I need someone. And I know desperation is not a trait that anyone wants, but how am I supposed to play it cool and pretend like I don't need anyone and I can be single forever what 'evs. I can't do it. If I haven't been cool with it for the past 7 years of absolute singleness, then how on earth am I supposed to just flip to the other side and be some kind of believer in "I am the only one I need to feel whole and loved and important and special." I feel like someone is trying to teach me Chinese, who only speaks Chinese and with no picture cards. So I'm trying to understand something I am completely incapable of truly understanding, even with hand gestures. Those aren't enough. Nothing I currently have is enough. It's probably due to not seeing my friends enough, but they are married, busy people, and they can't provide me what someone I'm in a relationship can provide me. And I know I sound selfish, but if you truly know me and have been a close friend of mine, you know how much I care about my friends. And how I love making little things for them, or cards or messages checking in on them. I do this for those I love. So it's not just what this one person can do for me, it's what I can do for them. For her. As it might be. As what I picture the most when I picture someone. A girl with long naturally curly hair, but whose being picky...not me. haha. I don't know how to want this less. I don't know how to be ok with just me, at least not for the rest of my life. I sometimes can keep it at bay. The swelling in my heart. That raw need and desire to be known intimately. Not just physically, not even mostly physically. Emotionally intimacy. I want to know everything about this person, as much as I want them to know it about me. The swelling is almost too much for me in this moment. My heart feels like it might burst out of my chest and run away, because I'm not using it in the way I was meant to. Thankfully I am not one to try to stop the swelling with drugs or alcohol. That's just not me. I am hopeful that maybe writing this out into the universe also known as the webeverse, will subside the swelling some. It does work some of the time, or at least momentarily, in the past. It's different than just writing it out to yourself. I wish petting Mollie would help more. It does some, but she doesn't let me pet her for hours. I did just get up and open the window for her, kissing her on her wet nose, as she allows me a kiss a few times a night. And this did help some with the swelling in my chest. There's no answers. People can talk at me till their blue in the face, they can think that they were in some magical amazing place of contentment, before they met the one. maybe they were. but maybe they were for like a minute, in the grand scheme of time, and not 7 years like me (and many years before those 7 as well). They were single and content for a short period of time. Maybe they dated a ton. That's not me. I've dated 2 guys. that's it. one for a year (and a year as friends before that), and then kind of almost a couple more times...it's a long story. And one guy I was ready to marry after only knowing him for 5 months. That's a real crazy story. But too personal and people know who I'm talking about, so not appropriate in an online venue. So anyways, I sigh and look over at the pile of clean clothes on my bed currently wrinkling with every passing moment that I don't get up and go fold it. So thus this ends tonight's sad lament of my current state. At least I can poke fun at it a little. Overdramatically is the best way. And so I push back my swollen heart, back into my chest pocket. And survive another day, with it still in place. I can survive. If anything. I can get out of bed and go to work and enjoy all my activities that do bring me happiness. I can breathe and I can walk. I can sing and I can sort of dance, but not really. I can bring smiles to babies, more than I bring tears. I can attract dogs and cats to me as if I was hiding treats in my pocket, but I never am. I know my spirit is good. animals know this about people. they and babies are the best judges, because they don't have anything to be prejudiced about. They look into your soul and read you for who you are. So, I must not be too bad after all. I may not be a social butterfly, but I am the truest of friends. I stay as long as they let me. I truly don't understand why I am still alone. Why I must walk the earth as a wife and mother, but only have friendships and godsons. I wish it was enough. I really do. I wish I could live in blissful ignorance that my simple life is grand! I have no need for deeper love and connection, emotional intimacy and visibility from someone. But I don't have that capability. Or incapability. I am me. I can't change the longing in my heart. I can't lessen it even a little. This is me. God I didn't want singleness to be my "cross to bear" I truly hate that term. What Jesus did can not be compared to any little struggle we have to endure. So I don't get that term or like it. But people usually have one that they carry their whole life. I really really don't want this to be that. It's been long enough. I'm putting it down. I want my arms to be able to wrap around a human being and keep them there for longer than the few second hug most people give. I want them to be able to rock a baby to sleep, my baby. Not one I have to give back. That's what I want. That's what I need. I'm not blinded to the fact that that life is extremely difficult at times and I'm sure I'll want out. Out at being a wife. Out of being a mother. But that doesn't mean I will run. No way. I will fight for those people. Because we chose each other. We belong together and we fight and cry together. Because we also love extremely hard together. That sounds incredible. Thorns and all. That kind of love is worth fighting for.
And that's all she wrote...for now.

The hunter

My Mollie's a hunter. She wants a bug, she looks all around the yard for one. She never gives up, and she always finds one. Then she plays with it until it's dead or almost dead. Now that last part I don't want to emulate, but I do want someone to play with. Or keep...
What a lesson on perseverance. On not giving up. On having a goal and being to the point of tunnel vision, until you get it. I wish I could be like my cat. Hold up. I have my spotify on, playing random songs and Coldplay's "Fix you" starting playing right when I was typing that last line. "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. " Mollie always succeeds in getting her bug. I feel like I have the opposite success. I try and I don't succeed, in making connections with people. I know you can't force chemistry, with anyone. But even when I go in confident and positive and friendly and smiling, I still don't succeed. I wish that meeting a special person with which I can build a relationship with, in a dating and romantic capacity, was as easy as it is for Mollie to find that bug. I don't know if she's looking for a particular bug, I'm not in her head, I guess any bug will do for her. Also I never liked that second part of the line in Coldplay's song. "When you get what you want, but not what you need." I mean I get it, but I think they did it because it rhymed. Shouldn't it be "when you get what you need, but not what you want." I could argue that I need love, so this line in and of itself would be just fine. But in the literal sense I have all my "needs" met: food, clothing, water, air and a roof over my head. You don't truly need  anything more. Or do you? I feel like I need that one person: to share food with, buy me clothes (or share), save water with by showering together, breathing life into me with a kiss, and sharing a house with four walls and a roof with me, living with me, enjoying and navigating the day to day life. That is the true meaning of a "life well spent."
Mollie doesn't give up on finding herself a bug. So why should I? Yet I'm over here all ready to give up on finding my "bug, " or even just a bug to play with for a little while. I can't be a hunter. It's not in my nature. I'm a nester. A gatherer. If you've seen my house you'll get that. It is a museum of my life. I surround myself with everything that represents me, that makes me happy, that defines me, that explains me. There's no question as to what I like, who I am, when you see inside my house. Yet, I am willing to give up my museum for the right person. The right girl possibly. Or guy. I'm not gonna rule anything out. It seems less likely, but anything can happen. I spent years thinking I was gonna get a puppy, and I wound up with the most adorable kitten in the world, who licks my nose exactly like a dog would do, to wake me up in the morning. So who am I to say who the right person for me is.
Sometimes in the darkest of times, I think I need a new dream. Especially since I am doing nothing currently to make my biggest dream come true. Well except existing on a dating website, but just existing currently. But like Mollie, I feel like I was made to find that bug. It would be like asking Mollie to now serve coffee at a diner or teach Spanish. This is her new dream. This is what she was created to do. And that's just silly, and impossible. Although she understands many words in English, I guess it's possible for her to learn a few in Spanish...
I was made to be a wife and mother. I've known this since I was a little girl. I was also made to be a teacher, and I already do that. I teach babies and parents every day. But when is it my turn? I know I could adopt. But I'm not going to, not by myself. I couldn't afford it on my own, nor would I hardly get to see my baby if I was always working to support it! When I was little I was focused on the babies. The cabbage patch dolls. I don't remember much about who I was married to or where they were in my play scenario. I usually sent them off to work so I could home school my babies. That seems kind of funny now, since I don't really know who I am meant to be with. It just depends on who I meet, and not just meet, but connect with. That second part feels so hard. Like near impossible. People aren't always willing to try. They want instant attraction. That's just silly. And even if I got all dolled up for you, that would not last longer than that date and maybe the rarest of dates or anniversaries. It's just not me. And I shouldn't have to change or pretend to look a certain way, like that's who I am all the time. If my hair is brushed, you should count that as a victory.
Another thing I notice about Mollie is that she doesn't settle for skimming the surface either. She doesn't just go after those bugs on the grass or flying through the air. Those are the obvious places to find bugs. Like it would be at a bar or club, for me. Sometimes those bugs she finds there are fun to play with for awhile, but she knows that if she digs down into the ground, she'll find the best ones. Her favorite ones to play with. The little garden snakes. They are the ones I freak out over and sweep out as soon as she brings them in, so let's not take that comparison too literally here. But to her those are the hardest to find and her prize capture. I know you got to dig deep to find the best ones, and that seems not only overwhelming to me, but impossible, and when you start to doubt that a person for you even exists...that there are no more garden snakes at all in the yard, or any yard for that matter...well you start to give up hope altogether. I find it incredibly hard to have any faith whatsoever that this person for me will not only find me, but that they even exist at all. I think that every one on the planet should have a love of their life. Granted I know that most will lose them in old age, and thus at that point you have to find other ways to enjoy the rest of your life without them, but at least you had them for 50 years or so! In my case I'm not old! I'm 32. Yet sometimes I feel that way. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the it's too late for me sense. I should already be married with 2 kids, a 3rd on the way. But now I feel like my only option is to have 1 at most, because if I find this person, then I'll have to have dating time, short engagement, and marriage time without kids and I don't want this to be like a year long altogether, nor do I want 3 babies in 3 years. I want a long time of just the 2 of us. But women can't have children safely into their 40s. I know in the microscopic of possibilities I could meet this person tomorrow, so I would have plenty of time. But again it goes back to faith and hope! I can't say for sure, because I've never had cancer or spoken with anyone intimately who has. But I'm pretty sure that many of them would say it was faith and hope that got them through it. That got them better, in a way. But those that didn't get better, those that died. I'm sure their loved ones would say- why didn't my prayers work? Why didn't my faith and hope for them work? And I'm sure at times the inflicted had that same hope and faith for themselves as well, that they would get better. But I delve off into murky waters with this one, so I'll stop right there with that.
Maybe because Mollie has met so many bugs, has connected with so many and gotten to play with them for awhile, maybe that's where her faith comes from. That there will always be more. Maybe I'm losing mine because it's been 7 years since I've connected with someone in the capacity I'm longing for. In a romantic, can't go a day without talking to you, want to see you and spend as much time as possible with you, sort of way. I've only caught 2 guys like that and that was so long ago I barely remember how. Oh that's right. I was just myself. And it was in college and a small group in a church setting, so much much more easy to meet someone that way. All laid out in the smallest of cubic feet (when you compare it to the entire world as my playground setting I have as my only option now). Both of those are not possible situations for me anymore.
But I think I still have some hope left. In the way way back of my mind. In the small corner of my heart. In the depths of my soul, its shadow holds it's hand out, waiting for someone to grasp it. To say wait up! I'm here. I got your hand. I've been hunting for you for so so long. I've looked everywhere. There you are. Maybe even if I'm not a hunter, my soul is. And maybe that's enough.

paths...and a surprising connection

The story of the paths we've taken and how each one results in a new "timeline" (for all you Community fans out there), if you will, does not start at the first major decision that we made as an adult of our own free will. This is not a blog about all the little moves, like whether we drove through a yellow light or stopped at it and how that affected our day. Those little moves can have huge affects on your life as well, but if I were to discuss every little move or path I've taken in my life we'd be here all night. But my story begins, not when I was born, but way before that. There's the obvious, if my parents had never met, I wouldn't be here today. But everything seems to come back to Christianity, in my life and how that's affected me, changed me, and lead me in a direction or path for my life. I'm not sure who exactly took my mom to church back in High school, but a girl did and since my mom wasn't raised in church, this put her on a brand new path for her life, one where church, specifically church attendance, played a huge role for her. She met my Dad in an apartment complex pool party where they both lived. She was 25. They married days before she turned 26 and had me almost exactly a year later when she was 27, the day of her birthday in fact.  My mom wanted her children to be raised in the church, so my Dad went along with it, and they did. My Dad became a Christian shortly after I was born. Thus started THE path of my life. If my mom never met that friend that took her to church, then she wouldn't have cared if her and my dad went to church when they got married. And if they didn't go to church in Austin, they most certainly wouldn't have gone when they moved to Richardson. I grew up in the Baptist church here. Now hang with me here as this will go fast and be a lot of "ifs" and "wouldn'ts." If I hadn't grown up at a Baptist church, I wouldn't have heard of Baylor and wanted to go there, as my pastor did and as my best friends were also going there as well. It is the biggest Baptist college around and known very well around church as "the college to go to." If I hadn't gone there, well too many things to count wouldn't have happened. But I'm leading up to a point. If I didn't go to Baylor, I would have never met the girl that made me fall in love with Colorado, simply because she was from there and she is the most amazing person I had ever met in my life. My love of Colorado sprung without ever having stepped foot on their soil. And if I had never gone to Colorado, specifically Colorado Springs (which was due to another friend at Baylor having family friends live there with whom I could crash with), then I would never have met my best friend Bekah. Who has been the greatest friend I've ever had. And who had my godson Sky, whose love for me and constant asking for me and wanting to watch my videos, and saying daily "aunt sissy coming birthday" whenever you ask him when his birthday is, well, without him and his love that is extra special since he is almost 3 and doesn't understand how to be "fake" and pretend to like people yet...I think my life would have far less meaning, if he wasn't in it. I think this is what parents feel like, with their own children. Just the purpose and love they bring to their life. He may not be my flesh and blood, but we have a connection and are alike in so many ways, he feels like a son to me. I love him as if he was my own. I've worked with a ton of babies over the past 10 years, professionally, and then about 10 years prior to that, in a babysitting, and with church kids kind of way, but with Sky it's way different. We just have a bond. He's the best. And I know he feels the same way, as I have heard on video many times "sissy's the best! she's the best!"
It might have been possible to go to a different college, and have the same degree that would get me the same job, which is where I met my bestie, but why would I have moved to Colorado? Or the Springs specifically? It was definitely out of my comfort zone to move away from where my family is, just because that's comfortable and all I knew. It was all because of Baylor, because of my church, because my parents became Christians and wanted to raise me in a church. Christianity is the link to every path I've taken. A lot of people who are gay do not like the church, or find Christians to be judging and not accepting and even hateful, and I get that, many have proven to be that way, but not all are. I didn't grow up knowing anything about people who were gay. I hadn't heard of anyone who was gay until Ellen came out. I hadn't heard anything on the topic being preached at my church, unless I wasn't listening, which is a possibility as I wrote notes to my friends during a lot of services. But I think my ears would've perked up, as it would've been pretty racy stuff for church! "Gay" was never on my radar back then in the 90s. It's not like now, where it's everywhere and even on a show aimed at teens. So, coming out hasn't affected me and God at all. We are still where we've been for awhile, that didn't affect my relationship, like it has so many others. They grew up in a church that shunned them or people like them, so coming out was terrifying and impossible, and if I thought I was going to Hell for being attracted to girls, well, I would hate God too. I know that God loves people who are gay, as he made them that way and they cannot be changed or cured. I've never understood what the big deal was. Love is love; I've always said. Kind of gotten off on a tangent here... I'm glad Christianity has been the template for my whole life. I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a Christian. I'm not embarrassed to say that God loves people of all sexual orientations, and they are going to heaven if they've accepted Jesus in their hearts. They are not doing anything wrong by loving someone and being loved in return.
I guess I started out planning on writing about the paths we take and how every one we took (and not the other), has made us who we are today. But (as writing often does), I've discovered what my connection is on all my paths, Christianity, and somehow that's what I'm talking about. That's got to mean something bigger than I'm realizing at this moment. I know that I could never marry someone that wasn't a Christian, I know that for a fact. I'm not a perfect Christian by any means, and am currently not being relationally intent with God or have a place I call home in the Christian community (I'm working on that), but I still know that I couldn't be with someone that would've even consider God as part of their life, and ours, our paths and our future.
I wish I had a big sweeping ending. Maybe it's just that I am super happy to have been on the path that I have been on. I may not like that I'm still single and not understand why that is, when loving someone intently and purposefully, daily having someone in my life is all I've ever wanted. That and children. But I do have children. I've helped too many to count and my little buddy Sky and his baby brother Ryder. I am so extremely grateful for them. I am loved by many, and I know that, but I guess I thought I had to have my own child to feel that kind of love. I knew, when Sky was a baby, when he "kiss bit" my nose, which he had only done for his parents, that I was very special to him, and I will never take that for granted. If I could be in his life every day, I would in a heart beat. But in a way I still am, though videos, the phone and sending him cards and little things to remind him that his aunt sissy loves him. I am truly blessed and I wouldn't want to be on a different "timeline" where I never met Bekah, and with which I would've never known Sky-The greatest little boy in the world. *Ryder will take the spot of the greatest baby in the world ;o)
  

A history lesson: Me and boys. or is it boys and I? I didn't say it was a grammar lesson.

I suddenly felt compelled to write an account, a "history" will you, of the instances where I have had attention, in the past, from a boy...it can be counted on one hand. yes, a human hand, and that number is 5. 6 if you count the very first experience of a boy liking me. Or at least what I think was "liking me."
Our story begins in 1987. I was 6 years old and in the first grade. I was living in Austin, Texas, with my parents and little sister, (as I hadn't moved out yet). And all I remember of this experience is what you would call "typical kiddie love." It wasn't the pulling of the ponytail, from what I recall. It was the chasing me around the playground and trying to kiss me kind. I think his name was Joey, and if I recall correctly, he was an ugly kid. Sorry. Facts are facts. He was snotty and always dirty. He was blonde, I was blonde. I think this was probably the only reason he chased me and wanted to kiss me. You think it's weird I mention hair color? Well, just wait till another story of another boy, later on. I know for a fact that I didn't want him to kiss me, and being a tall leggie little girl who was in ballet and gymnastics, I got away from him quickly and he never got his chance to kiss me. If he kissed other girls on the playground? I have no idea, nor did I care. Kissing and boys and all that jazz didn't interest me at all, well for a long time really. But that's another story.
Fast forward to 10th grade, 1997. Oh look at that! 10 years later. Guess technically it was 96-97. It was my sophomore year of high school. But it was my first year in high school, as 9th grade was still Junior High back then. There was a boy in band. He played the Bassoon. Let's call him Neil. I honestly don't remember. Now he was a really interesting story. Interesting crazy, that is. I honestly don't remember him existing until the night of one of our band concerts. After the concert he gave me a bouquet of red roses and walked off in a sort of march that can only be described as "Nazi-like." Ok let me finish. It was in front of my parents and my Mom was over the moon as this was the first she ever saw of a boy liking me. I was freaked out. Like beyond freaked out. He was a weird kid. He was blonde. Maybe I've always had a thing with not liking real blondes. Like toe-head almost white, blondes. But what was weirder is that in band he gave me a letter that he wrote. It was written like a poem, that, if I was in love with him might be considered sweet, but it was just weird and creepy and Victorian but not in a "aww" way. I couldn't find the letter, I think I threw it away, but I swear I remember something being mentioned about celestial beings...or I was a shooting star or something random like that. I actually read it to the girls in my Flag Corps on a slumber party one night and the fellow Seniors (he was also a senior), totally flipped out. They all surrounded me and was like "Christie. Stay away from him!" (not that I needed any convincing). They told me that in junior high he used to walk down the halls and give people the Nazi salute. He wore capes and stuff and he told me once that he was born in an airplane over Germany, so he was technically German. I was 100% convinced that he liked me because I was blond hair blue eyed, and it was an Aryan race thing. Well. I never gave him any indication that I liked him and when he asked me to Prom, I lied and said I was going to be out of town at my grandma's house. Whether he bought it or not, I don't know. But he promptly let me be and moved on to another blond, which I believe she did go to prom with him. Hmm...anyways, that was a fun story!
The next one was the summer after my freshman year in college. 2000. It was my first love. My first boyfriend. My first best guy friend ever. We were really good friends for a year and dated another year after that. And then sort of 'whatever we were,' on and off after that, years later. But it was amazing and wonderful and heartbreaking and awful, all at the same time. I wouldn't change a thing though. Getting the attention I always wanted from a guy, and one I liked back, well there's nothing in the world better than that. That's the best kind of attention. Mutual like-ness. It still is the greatest love of my life. I still hope I find an even better one, though. One that lasts.
This next one was the summer before my senior year in college, so 2002. It was a summer thing. Well not really even a thing. I guess I'm just awesome and yet another boy I didn't really like that
way, liked me. Yet this time he wasn't chasing me on a playground, or a Nazi lover. He was a pretty normal guy. Well, for an Aggie. haha just kidding. We were spending Sundays helping with the kids at our sister Hispanic church. We had the babies and just played with them and tried to keep them from crying, even though they didn't understand us or why 2 very white young people were caring for them. We went out for ice cream once, but I didn't consider it anything more than a friendship. Summer was ending and we were about to go back to our separate schools. He gave me a hand written note on white school notebook paper, exactly like the one from crazy guy in High School. But this one was sweet and it was about how fun it was to serve God together and how he loved my heart for kids. I thought it was nice and friend like until at the end he said he saw our relationship soaring like an eagle in the future. I didn't know what to make of that. I guess since I didn't respond, he got the hint and moved on. I never heard from him again. I'm sure he met and married a nice Aggie girl and they've had little Aggie babies by now.
So fast forward to 2006. I'm living my dream up in Colorado Springs. I'm so happy in my mountain, laid back habitat. I've got a great group of friends, a "community group" of both guys and girls! A concept most churches don't play along with. I love me some small groups. I hate navigating a large, cattle-like atmosphere of single people. It's like being trapped in an elevator or something. It's not fun to me. But I was having a grand time with my little community group from church. Then for some reason, I think this other group was too small, so we merged with a mostly guys group. I think ours had like 2 guys, and so that's probably why. Well, my original group had yet another Aggie in it! And since we were the only 2 Texans in a group of mostly Wisconsin-ers, we had that in common and talked whenever we were in the group or group activities. So long story short, I meet a guy from the new merging group, when we were all camping. I didn't know that guy #1 was laying tracks for us to possibly date. Maybe I'm clueless to that. So suddenly I had 2 guys wanting to date me!! Can you believe it?? Well, I couldn't, that's for sure. So it's my 25th birthday and my friend plans a bday party. Both guys are there. And both guys are fighting for my attention all night and playing a game of "who can quote more lines from Napoleon Dynamite" to me, and it was just a trip! I have to say I loved it. Flash back to the night before, where I had a lovely dinner date with guy #1, that I didn't realize was a date until the waiter brought over flowers to our table, that he had clearly planned for ahead of time... and I also realized we were at a fancy steak house. I had thought it was a birthday dinner thing, but clearly it was a date. (So I do catch on eventually). And the day before that, I was at STOMP with guy #2. I had actually suggested that one. So, even though it sounds like guy #1 was the more romantic choice, I had already started to like guy #2 and the heart wants what the heart wants and I chose him. It was more of that I hung out with guy #2 all the time, and guy #1 got the picture real quick, which was awesome of him. I actually know for a fact that he is happily married to another Texas girl, so he's fine. And even though I dated guy #2 and thought we were going to get married (since he told me we were), that ended fairly quickly and he is also now married...and to another girl from that same group! Go figure. So, the point of this story is that all the guys in this story are married, and I'm still not...No, I have no idea about ugly boy and Nazi boy. But anywho, it's all great, because I don't even think a "guy" is for me. Maybe. Who knows. I haven't ruled it out. I love attention. And I haven't gotten attention from a guy since that time, 7 years ago. But anything's possible, I'm sure. God has the plan. I do not. I had a plan, several plans, but none of them worked out, and what do I know anyway? I hope I do meet someone who I can pour my attention and love into, just as they would me. I would love that so much. But until then, my attention is on the lovely people that are in my life currently. And the only boys I give my attention to are my godsons. And since my oldest boy told me repeatedly that I'm the best! Well, it's hard to imagine anything better than that. A 2 1/2 year olds love is not just given to anyone. It is better than gold. And it is attention I wouldn't trade in for the world.      

This blog has no title...but if you need one, then call it LOVE. Because I love love.

Does the word "complacent" really have to be such a bad word? Sure I don't want to set goals and accomplish them. Probably mostly because I'm afraid to fail, and goals feel like I'm being set up to fail. Sure I can make to-do lists till the cows come home and accomplish everything on them, off the notes section on my iphone, but as far big life changing goals, nah, I'm good. I feel content. I feel fine. I'm not over the top happy with my life, but I'm not down in the dumps sad either. I'm neutral on the topic of how my life is going. I definitely have really happy moments while engaging with a friend, seeing a movie, going to a convert, discovering a new show that I can't wait to see the next episode of. And I can certainly get very sad when marital love or friends babies are shoved into my face- 'look at me! look at me! look what I have!' (they yell metaphorically). When face to face with it I try so hard to smile and put enthusiasm in my voice, hopefully I'm believable. A part of me is happy for them. I want my friends to be happy and get everything they want; but I also want that for myself too! And why do they keep getting these important human beings in their life, and I don't? People tell me it's because I'm "looking" and I need to stop looking and love will find me. I don't think staying home all the time counts as "looking for someone." And people say I don't put out the positive energy that attracts someone. And to that I say- bull honkey. People meet "the one" everyday and they aren't in some magical, happy, unicorn rainbow place. And changing your energy 24/7 isn't as easy as you think. All I can do is try. I'm not a magician. I can't just wave a wand and make myself attractable. I'm doing the best that I can. And what about the days I am confident and put out great, positive energy? Why doesn't anyone come into my life then? On that particular day? What about the night I went to Eden lounge? I was happy and smiling and laughing with my friends. I was putting out good energy, and no one came over to talk to me. I wasn't even going there with it in mind that I was going to meet someone real, I just wanted to see the vibe of the place, but isn't that when something is supposed to happen? When you least expect it? when you don't go in with intentions? I love proving everyone wrong. People who have someone just LOVE to say- oh I met my husband when I wasn't looking. bull crap. what about the 364 other days you "were not looking?" why didn't he show on those days? and if he never did, then would you be saying what you are saying now? No, you most certainly would not. You would be groaning, saying why isn't he here yet? But you didn't have to wait 32 years for someone, and counting. You didn't have to go 7 years without having someone love you and kiss you and want to be in your life all the time and just can't wait to talk to you again. At least I have Mollie, I always say. And thank God. I think I would be in a constant state of my body dying from lack of physical touch, if I didn't have her. Kissing her and petting her every day does take some of the edge off. it's not perfect. it's not enough and it's certainly not the same as a human being holding you and hugging you and kissing you and holding your hand while you walk the streets, but it is better than living in a cave with no human interaction.
I have to constantly keep my mind in check. I have to constantly keep myself from going into a too dark on place, wondering why I'm still alone, trying not to think about the last time I was kissed. It feels like a million years ago. It might as well be. Companionship, physical intimacy are more important than you may realize. They better not be taken for granted by you married people. Things don't have to be spicy hot 24/7, that's unrealistic, but a touch by someone that loves you and has chosen you, it's life blood to me. It's water, it's air and it's bread. It's why old people die shortly after their spouse of 60 years dies. I can't imagine having something that long and then have it ripped from your life. I had it a teeny tiny fraction of that and I can barely live without it. I'm not talking about sex here. For guys, they probably would say that, that they couldn't live without it. But I'm talking about a long embrace, being held in bed in the arms of the one you love, being kissed like your life depended on it. That other stuff is awesome too, but I would give up sex if I could have all that other stuff in excess. Which all that stuff would lead to sex, so I don't know why one would need to give that part up...but anyways ;o)
Singleness can only be a gift for so long. It can't be one forever. We are meant for human companionship. I think those that don't desire it or are "fine" being alone, I think those are the people with issues. Those are the people that needs some help. Something is definitely wrong with them. We are not meant to be alone. They must have commitment or intimacy issues. I most certainly do not! If the trust and love is there, man, here you go! here's all of me! I read people really well, I think, so I don't think I'd get taken advantage of in that way. I'm careful who I choose. I observe people way too much, I'm a wallflower by nature, so if I'm not feeling it, or something's "off" with you, I will stay away (potential relationship wise).
I don't think anyone "deserves" someone. No one is perfect. Some people do more good than others, but that do gooder is probably the one without someone, and the person who is just okay, (a decent person), is probably the one that has been with the same person for 20 years. Everything is random. I'm not sure I know what part God plays. He doesn't make sense 99% of the time, so I can't say one way or the other. When a miracle happens, or someone finds the one and it's perfect and right; when someone's cancer is cured, was it God? or was it just the way the cards fell? Because what if that child with cancer died and that person that is perfect for you gets in a car wreck the day before your wedding...what then? was that God too? There's not answers to everything. I don't think there's answers to ANYTHING. Like the facts of life song says- "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life." Everything is so random. With that said, I like to believe in signs. When something so random and tangible, a little object that represents something to me, falls into my lap out of the blue in a near impossible way, I like to believe that means something. I think I only have one instance of which that this was true for me, but it was enough to believe. There have been many signs out there, in the way of things falling into place or things happening perfectly, that lets me know I was on the right path- "arrow signs" we'll call them. But when it comes to "tangible object" signs, well, those are much harder to come by and I think mean a lot more, because they are like seeing a camel in the ocean...just so out of place.
When I was camping in Colorado, back in 2006, I was out in the grass, sort of near a river bank. Far from the city, out in the country of Colorado. Anyways, so I was walking in this shin high grass and I notice something on the ground. it was a tiny white bound book. It was glued together at the binder, but had no cover. it was really tiny, less than 2 inches long, no lines, just blank white paper. For one thing, I had never seen a bound book that small, didn't know why they would make such a thing, and for another, why was it out in the grass like that? Far from people? Nothing was torn from it. nothing was written in it. It was like it was a story book with an unwritten story. it was going to be a small story, probably, but an important one. There were a lot of pages in it, for such a tiny book. So that same day I met the guy I ended up dating and almost married. It was a short lived relationship, small like the book, but it needed all those pages, it was fat in content, because we spent every day together and so much happened in such a short amount of time. That blank, tiny story book, had it's story. The amount of time he was in my life was small...but the impact was fat. there was a lot of meat to that whole relationship. When I found that book I knew it meant a new story was going to begin in my life, I just had no idea it was going to be my 2nd relationship of my life and one that would be so intense. I wrote "the rest is still unwritten" on the cover. As that Natashia Beddingfield song was quite popular at that time in 2006. Bare with me, I'm almost done.
So, 3 new "tangible object" signs have emerged in my life. One is a plastic heart ring that appeared under my trashcan in my front yard, that was brought in by a bird or cat, because it wasn't there before. And then I found a Barbie shoe- a clear high heeled slipper, like Cinderella's glass slipper, and this was out behind a pig statue at a local pizza restaurant, and if I had not gone to take pictures behind it, I wouldn't have seen it. And then today a little plastic, ACTUAL Cinderella! Those last two came just a couple weeks apart. And yes I want to fall in love, and yes I am taking these 3 things as signs that love is coming, but why is Cinderella important? Well, before these 2 recent objects, I started reading this book- "Same sex in the city (so your prince charming is really a Cinderella).  It has helped me tremendously understand everything that I've been going through and processing this last year. Hearing everyone's stories on relevant topics like: path to self realization, the first time, coming out, heartbreak and more, it just makes me feel good knowing that everyone's story is different and everyone's path is different and it takes as long as it takes. It helps me not feel rushed. It's only been a little over a year since I realized this about myself. I didn't see the clues in childhood or college. But that's ok, I know now. I'm ready now. I want this and I feel good about it and extremely excited about it. When I finally have a girl that I love spending time with, I know I'll disappear for awhile...into that new and exciting relationship. As it should be. But I definitely won't forget my friends. In fact I'll want to hang out more, now that it's finally my turn to talk about how great my life is and how awesome my girlfriend is. Can't wait for that ;o) Life is funny. Funny weird. It doesn't make any sense, ever, but I am grateful to have it. Life. Losing 2 people in my entertainment world recently was hard. Not because I knew them personally, but because they were in my world practically every day in some shape or form and not only was I used to it, but they made me happy with the gifts and talents they brought to the world. But we can't live in this world forever. We all have an expiration date. I hope mine is a long long time from now. I have so much love I want to give my future "love of my life". So much love I want to give my very own kids. I currently give love to other important people in my life and other important kiddos in my life, but it's not the same. Because these people would belong to me. Not in a selfish, slavish, ownership way, I just mean that we would be each others "most important people in world," top of the list people. #1 "in case of emergency," same last name, people. When that person cries out at night or has happy news to share, I would be the first to know, I wouldn't find out a week later or whenever the next time I saw them. I would be needed in a way no one else can provide for me. I will be a wife and a mother. Huge responsibilities, but HUGE amount of love...infinity of love. And that is a life worth waiting for.

The Recurring theme

I write to express myself. to get all the thoughts swirling in my head, out, and throw them into the great beyond, ie the Internet. I write to process feelings. these aren't fleeting feelings, moments of anger, sadness, happiness, pleasure, pain and suffering. everything I write about has been a recurring theme in my entire life. And what I'm always thinking about, dreaming about, longing for and questioning about.
I think I discovered through a lot of self-reflection time and journaling, what this all comes down to. What the "base line" or recurring theme of my life is. I used to think it was only about being alone. I wanted someone to be with me every day, as a marriage partner is, to have and to hold, to wake up next to and go to bed and spend all my days with. But the truth is, I love my alone time. I really really do. I think even if I had someone, I would find myself wandering away from them just to be alone and not have to talk or help or do a damn thing. So if it isn't "being alone" as the reason why I have to find "the one," then what is it? Since most themes to our lives, our biggest issues, our deepest struggle, come from childhood, I started to look at the recurring themes or issues I had throughout all the years through college. What stands out? Is there any connection to them all? And there was. There is. And it's this:
I feel like I'm always being left out. left behind. forgotten.
I'm sure oldest children of the family all have this to a certain degree. Since we were the first and alone for how ever many years, and then a new baby comes, and suddenly we're not that important anymore. This could be exacerbated by that child needing more special attention for one thing or another. I won't delve into all that, here. But it continued as I grew. The day before my 13th birthday I broke my leg. Not just broke it, but snapped the femur in half. I saw the x-ray. It looks exactly as you would think it would. a clean break in the middle, 2 bones side by side, that should've been one. I had 3 best friends. one a grade younger that lived on my block and then the other 2 my same grade at church, and we called ourselves the 3 musketeers. The day I broke my leg everything changed. The friend from my street moved with her family out of the state immediately following my leg snapping incident. Actually she was there when it happened and I remember vividly (even though I was in shock from seeing my leg sway like rubber when I lifted it after I had tripped over my own feet in a racquetball court and fell just hard enough for it to snap, apparently) her trying to climb into the ambulance. They were like no, you can't come. We both couldn't understand why my best friend, a 12 year old, couldn't ride along with me. She was at my house with me until the day she left, which I think was only a week later. My other 2 best friends forgot me, or maybe it was I was just too boring to be around, since I couldn't go bike riding or walk around the mall, or even go swimming at the beginning. I missed my very first church youth camp, which they roomed together at, even more solidifying their best friendship status, and everything was forever changed. One good thing did come from that summer of solitude and mostly house confinement, and that was that I started journaling for the first time. And not "diary" journaling, which is just talking about what you did that day and what you ate for lunch. This was deep feelings and emotions and shit. I'm pretty sure I still have some of it. Might have to look for it later. But anyways that summer I felt left out, left behind, and most certainly forgotten.
College came along. I had reconciled with one of these girls and we had become friends again. We went to different schools, but we visited each other, so that was a nice feeling of gaining a friend back. I made the biggest group of friends that I've ever had, in my 4 years at Baylor. And these were all what I would consider really close friends. I went there with 3 of my high school best friends. And I made even more. It was the greatest time of my life up to that point. Everyone was so close because we didn't have family there. we were each others family. I made the first friend to have ever said the words "I love you," to me, and to this day I haven't let her go. To be clear, it was always friendship. This blog is not in any way a story on how I liked any of my girl friends from the past in that way. Never did and never will. Just to be clear. Also, I seriously thought, naively, that all of these girls I had become such close friends with, or had come to college with and kept that friendship with, that our friendship would remain as strong as it was college and continue that way throughout our whole life! I had absolutely no idea of the reality of it all. I hadn't watched the end of Felicity yet. I didn't know what to expect. I hadn't heard her big speech senior year about how cruel college is and how it's not real. "Graduation comes and whatever you've been working towards, or whatever your plans are, it just pulls you away. You don't have college anymore to rely on, to keep you together." I didn't memorize that by the way, it was in my scrapbook on a page titled "best friends in college...now strangers." After college ended and everyone got married, like practically the day after graduation, I was so lost. I kept trying to force friendships to live, but most died. If not all right away...eventually. And again another blow to the head of " being left out, left behind and forgotten.
I feel this every time I make a new single friend and she then gets a boyfriend, gets married, has a baby...I keep getting left behind. I'm constantly reminded that I'm not the cool kid that gets to sit at the cool table at lunch. The table of life which is getting married and having kids. Why not me? You start to spiral down that there's something wrong with you, you're a loser, you're too shy not confident enough, not pretty enough to attract attention from a potential partner, so how could you expect to ever have someone? Whatever it may be; lies start to feel like truths, all because of this base line of feeling left out, left behind and forgotten. If everyone else is in this place of what true adulthood is supposed to mean, how can I not feel like I'm being left behind? When I'm not in the same place as everyone else? It would be the same as not advancing to 8th grade and having to repeat 7th grade...over and over and over again, for the rest of your life. Not only are you the oldest 7th grader, with like a beard and hair on your chest (if you were a guy), but you'd feel like there's something wrong with you, not just academically speaking, but on a maturity level. I mean I haven't been forced to grow up in the way my friends have, with taking care of a baby full time or caring for a husband in all the ways a wife does, which is a full time job. But I'm not some immature slacker either. I know no one's saying that I am. But I do wonder if they think I'm sad or pathetic, or a loser, because I haven't found somebody yet. Haven't settled down and started a family, like the "normal" thing to do.
The theme even followed me to Colorado. I was desperate to start a new life, make new friends and see if anything life long was there waiting for me. Little did I know, there was a life long friend there waiting for me! She's my godsons mom. She proves all my theories wrong. But at the time she did leave me.  She eventually did move away to be with her boyfriend, along with other friends from my church community group, just moving on with their life. Along with the guy that said he loved me and wanted to marry me. Along with one best friend in particular, although she cannot be blamed for it. I didn't know at the time her own battle was beginning. I was just feeling left out, left behind or forgotten by all of them. I know I'm not being realistic that the level of a friendship should remain the same forever, or that everyone should stay in my life at the same intensity that it grew to be at one point in our friendship. And I know I shouldn't take it personally. I've learned not to. But it does go back to why I want to be married, to have that one person. That level and intensity of friendship and more...(I like the sound of that) would only increase as time went on (well hopefully, or there's a problem). If I saw my person less and less and things started to change, well then that would be a huge problem. Most likely you would see that person or communicate with that person on a daily basis. Not something a friendship could maintain forever. Unless by some miracle you meet someone that is like you and never gets married, then maybe. But I've never become friends with such a person...I'm usually their lucky charm to finding love. ;o)
I'm much better than I was about my friendships. Letting them be what they are, not forcing, but trying to maintain those that give a little back, those that have proved their interest in keeping them. Just because I don't talk to them every day or see them even every month, doesn't mean our friendships aren't strong. Every one of them is different. In childhood and in college, they were all pretty much the same. I saw them every day. It was easy to. I went to school with them, they lived on my street, or in my dorm, or in Baylor Landing apartments, or you could walk across a pretty small campus to see them anytime you wanted. Now it's a 20, 30, 45 minute drive. Or a 7 and a half hour drive to the line where Texas and Mexico meet, to see my best friend and my godsons, in a place called "Hellrio" for a very good reason. If a 110 degree dessert land with scorpions, tarantulas and snakes isn't Hell, then I don't know what is. But I will and have, driven that distance to see them, because we both value each other so much and want to be in each others lives forever, and no place is too horrible or too far, to keep us apart. Now if she moved somewhere normal, like a city with a Target in it, then I'd probably move to live near them. It pains me that I'm not in my godsons life as much as I want to be. I am via videos I make of me reading books to them, but I'm currently out of children's books, as I don't have children. And it just now occurred to me that I have a library card and can check out books to read to them, and not keep buying them. I was only buying ones I wanted to own anyway. Anywho, that was way off topic, sorry about that!
I'm not sure exactly how NOT to feel left out when friends get married or have a baby, because I am left out, literally. Because I don't have those things. They aren't doing it purposefully like mean girls at school. It's just life. But I feel like I'm missing out on the life they have. I'm left out of this special married world and baby world which is literally a different world. I can't relate at all, and it makes me feel like I'm being pulled even further away from them, and not by distance. I guess that I have to trust that one day I'll be in that world and have friends in that same world. Because the single world isn't a world just full of a bunch of single people. Maybe you have friends in it for like a minute. But before you know it a black hole has formed and sucked them out of the universe you were sharing and pulled them into a totally alien one...the married world, or even just the boyfriend world. The single world is a lonely one. One where most people only vacation in for awhile...but don't live in full time. I don't want to live here full time. But I have been, for what seems like eternity. I feel like I bought a house with a 20 year loan on it, and I can't sell it or get out of it. I'm stuck here.
But I suppose that can change at any moment. It does for others, and it will for me someday. I hope. I don't mind vacationing here for awhile, but the occasion visitor to my island would be nice. And eventually have someone living in the single world with me, decide to move with me to that other world. I'm not saying it's a better world, but it's definitely a "couple's world."

the art of letting go

I say that as a jest. I do not know the real art of letting go. I'm sure there are people out there that do, or think they do, and write books about it, but those are probably the people I've never listened to or refused to hear, because everyone's experience is different. Everyone's timing is different. Some people never accept something, or fool themselves, trick themselves into thinking they've accepted something, or let go of something. I think letting go is a daily thing sometimes. Or you might let something go, like a remark of a coworker and never think about it again. But I think in that case, the comment probably didn't sting that bad in the first place.
I'm no expert in letting go. It's taken me years to "get over" hurts and feelings of "there must be something wrong with me, or I'm not good enough," from losing the only 2 romantic loves of my life. Especially since at one point they both wanted to marry me and told me so...a lot (no not at the same time, c'mon). But I'm definitely past all that and over them, they were never the right one for me, and I can definitely see and feel that, for real now.
But the thing I could never let go of was this: "I have to get married and have kids in order to be truly happy and fulfilled." I think it's a wonderful thing to want that and desire it and hope for it, but it was literally killing me with unhappiness every time someone else got to that point before me, especially with marriage. I literally can't count how many friends have gotten married now. I'm not exaggerating when I say all of the friends from Baylor and almost all of the friends I made in childhood and after college. With the exception of some I have no idea what they are up to now...
So this bothered the crap out of me. I tried my best (which sometimes was not at all good enough) to be happy for them, but it just made me more aware that I don't have it, and that again, there is something wrong with me because I don't. At least before, we were 2 single gals both wanting to find love, so I wasn't alone in it. It was like losing love all over again. In a different way, but still. Things are never the same in friendships after marriages. Not that they can't continue at all, but they are definitely not the same. Time spent together is cut down drastically. But anyways, enough on that.
For so long I was letting this one tiny aspect of my life (and yes in the grand scheme of life, whether or not you get married and have kids, is tiny). Who you are as a person, deep down, your heart, how you live your life, what you do with your time here to help others, whether or not you are thinking of eternity and what happens after you die, your beliefs, your morals, all those things are the BIG picture. They ARE the grand scheme of life. I honestly didn't think that the love in my life that I had, in the form of friends, family, my godsons and others was enough. It wasn't everyday love, right in front of my eyes, laying in bed with me, or in their bunk bed in the next room, like my friends had, in the form of their husbands and children. So I clung to this idea that my happiness depended on it happening, like a leech to a leg. And like a leech to a leg, it sucked my blood dry. It's exhausting being unhappy. It's a real bummer and serves no purpose and obviously doesn't make you feel good, so one day last week I decided to let it all go: The idea that marriage + kids= true happiness, the being unhappy most the time part of my life, the trying and searching for "the one" at any event or group or meeting or whatever. I also let go of the idea of "who" this person could be, if they do exist. And by that I mean, gender- male or female. Now I know most people can't do this. I'm not at all saying it's a choice, because it's not. I just think some people like me see the emotional connection they find in a person that draws them together, and not gender or looks or physical stuff. I definitely fell in love with the personalities and connection I found, with the 2 guys I dated. I became attracted to them after we started dating actually. Friends first is always a good way to do things, for me at least. So, I'm open. For me, either way can work, if it's the right person for me. Who they are deep down, and how they treat me and what we have in common and all that real stuff, is what really matters. If you want to label me, call me bi. I don't like labels. People are not who they are by race or gender or sexuality. They are who they are by how they show you their true colors. I wish people would say there's Christie, she's caring. There's Bob, he's loyal. Maybe Bob's gay too, but who cares? It doesn't need to define you, be the only thing people see. 
I don't think I made a decision to let go of all that was making me want to define myself. I so much want to be defined as "wife" and "mother." but again, it's not saying anything about my gifts, my personality. marriage is a piece of paper and mother means you birthed a baby. I'm so not trying to trivialize  those things. they are VERY important and should be taken seriously, I just mean it's not everything that you are.  loving and patient, could be 2 words used to equal the titles wife and mother. But I'm getting off track here...back to me. I can't tell anybody how to let something go, what steps to take, what potion to drink. I would say it was a decision, but it really wasn't. It just sort of came into my head, or better yet, it just became me. It was like a part of me was locked until now. I wasn't willing to unlock it or maybe didn't know where the key was, or where it even was in me to unlock it! But I found it finally, even though I wasn't searching for it. I'm grateful I finally found it or was opened up to it. People were telling me for years-stop searching for love and it will find you. To me they were saying- stop being who you are and caring about getting married and stop wanting to be loved fully by another human being. That's what I was hearing. But I can still WANT this and HOPE for this, but not see it as the end all to life. Maybe it's too many "happily ever after" endings to Disney movies I saw. It brainwashed me. I don't know. But even though I knew married life still has challenges and probably more so, with another person living with you every day never leaving and breathing on you when you just want to be left alone, I still wanted that more than anything (still do), the difference is, I'm okay being single now. Not in a hipster cool "I'm just too awesome to be in a relationship" "I don't need anyone", or fake "sure I'm okay with it, whatever." I truly mean it this time. My life is awesome without being married, without "The one." I'm going to continue to have an awesome life and have fun and do all the things I enjoy. These don't include bars, clubs, group events at places or activities that I have no interest in, and online. I don't feel like I'm limiting myself. I need to not be in a searching mode anymore, or a wondering one either. Wondering and worrying and asking why, always lead to my unhappiness. I'm not going anywhere with it in mind that "maybe the one will be there!" I'll say, maybe I'll make a new friend! maybe not. But you can never have too many friends. You can have too many marriages, I think! haha. I just want the one ;o)

A message for my future love ( and it could be you so please read!) ;o)

Dear future love,
First of all are you even out there? I hope this letter isn't all in vain. I've been writing to you in some shape or form since I was 16 years old. The first time I ever did, was after I saw Dirty Dancing and wanted to dance with someone just like that. I knew I didn't have a thing for Patrick Swayze, but it didn't even occur to me at the time that Baby was who I really wanted. Well I do have a thing for curly hair, (not that you have to hair curly hair, just saying). I actually identified with Frances "Baby" Houseman because I was young and innocent and naive about everything back then. I was dorky like her, carrying a watermelon and snorting when she laughed. I couldn't really dance that well, but with a lover for a trainer, I thought, maybe I could!
I often think if I'm doing enough to find you. Big, social gatherings that are loud, alcohol ridding, smoke filled atmospheres aren't working for me. I can't hear myself talk, let alone another person.
I don't know if you feel me out here waiting for me. I don't know if you are waiting for me to find you too, but I'm here! I'm waving my arms in a sea of people, can't you see me? Do you know I yearn for you? I ache for you. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. Why aren't you here yet? Where are you? Do you live nearby or are you hundreds of miles away? Why are you taking so long? Please hurry. Stat. I don't want to go another day, I don't want to go another moment without you here by my side. Each day that goes by is a reminder that you aren't here with me and that makes me sad.
I long to know your name. To see your face. To hear your voice talking to me till midnight. To hold your hand in mine. I want to know your heart. What you're passionate about, what makes you tick? The people that changed your life forever, both good and bad? I want to be one of those good ones. I'm ready for you. I'm trying to look for you, but I have a feeling you're not at Target, (where I find myself often), but I'm sure we will go there all the time when we are together, because who doesn't love Target? ;o)
Be careful, be good. Look for me and I will look for you. I don't really look like my blog picture, but you'll know it's me when you meet me. Because we were meant to be together, and the love I have for you and the love you have for me is driving us together, hopefully in a straight line. It's the only thing straight about us. I'm being pulled to you and you being pushed to me. Don't pass me by. I will stop if you do.
all my love,
Christie

And the moral of the story is...

I got a letter from Baylor, my Alma Mater. The first sentence goes, "I am sure it is hard for you to believe that almost 10 years have passed since you were a student at Baylor University." In some ways he's right, I can't believe it. 10 years? It gives me a pang in my stomach thinking about that. What the fuck? I know I have done a lot in 10 years, I've lived in Colorado, moved out there all alone knowing no one, starting a new life there. Not many of my friends I graduated from Baylor with can say that. A lot of them started a new life WITH someone. I've had 3 jobs at 3 different Early Childhood Intervention programs. I've helped gosh 100 babies and their families struggling with and learning of their child's developmental delays and disabilities. Maybe even more, I was never good at math. I practically failed "Math for elementary teachers" at Baylor. True story. I did not know what the hell they were talking about in that class. It made no sense to me. And since I couldn't learn how to break down math and teach it in a different way in that class, I knew it wouldn't be possible out  with the children of the world. I fell in love with ECI at Baylor during my practicum class. I went to smelly homes and sat on disgusting floors, with the cockroaches, but I was teaching a baby the first steps of their life. The first developmental moments, and that felt really good. Changing their life and teaching parents to help their own child. Empowering them (that's a really hard thing to do.) But this blog isn't about my job. I know this last year has been a HUGE transition and life change for me. Coming out to oneself, friends, family, others out there in the world that you interact with is a huge deal. It was exactly one year ago that I began to have feelings for a straight friend and started this long process and journey. A LOT of self reflection, counseling, crying, unsureness, and an amazing weekend last summer at a friend's ranch out in the countryside in the middle of nowhere (all alone with no outside world or media distraction), all were part of my journey I took to get here. And I have amazing friends that in the beginning really allowed me to process this with them with no judgement and just love and acceptance. Jen, Amy, Bekah and Natalie, if you read this, I love you and I am so thankful to have you in my life! Y'all rock.
I don't want to say it. I don't want to say what I'm always thinking. Why am I still alone after 10 years as a real adult in the real world? Why after 10 years has everyone I was friends with at Baylor (and I mean everyone), have a husband that loves them and most even have children? I want them to have all that. I wouldn't change that even if I had the power to control lives. But if I did have the power, I would drive a force out into the universe and draw my love to me. Like a magnet. I would pull her to me. Even when I didn't know I was gay, I would just pull LOVE to me. It could have come in either body. I don't know what I would have done with a male body, it's weird and gross. Lol. But what have you, I would use a literal force of energy like lightening bolts to pull 'em to me. Not in the "laws of attraction" type of way, just in the magical powers like in Harry Potter kind of way. I know a "spell" would be bad, because they wouldn't have a choice to come to me. But maybe just my willpower would send her to where I was, at the exact same moment in time. So we could meet and fall in love and live both happily (and unhappily at times) ever after. Maybe I am pulling her to me slowly. But I wish it was more quickly. It frustrates me to no end that this hasn't happened yet. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like I have to be perfect and whole and have the confidence of a lion in order to have someone to love. That's not fair. Not everyone in this world that has someone was like that when they met each other. This lady I met at this group meeting who I swear was like a mind reader or fortune teller or something, totally "read" everyone in the room. After she gave a talk and had watched everyone listen and react to her or even speak up, she went around the room pointed out every one's "flaws" or maybe lets just call them "qualities" that make them who they are. One girl makes jokes because to be serious is too scary. One girl could get walked all over because she's too nice and quiet. And me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I'm very self aware and care too much what people think of me. I have to agree with the first 2 things. But I don't think I really care too much what people think, but I can see how those things can go together. She didn't know that the mere fact that I go to events and groups and social gatherings with people I've never met, is a really huge deal for me. That it was really hard for me to get out there and take a risk with people again, after the extreme loss I felt after college and when Colorado nose dived into the group, socially. I can't say that I even enjoyed 95% of the new groups or events or social gatherings I've tried. Every once in a while I do. I really enjoyed the coming out workshop at church. It was very helpful and supportive and beneficial and I even made a couple new friends from it. Even one that happen to live 4 houses down, how crazy is that?! She's right I'm not comfortable with new people because I don't know them yet. I don't know their personalities, I don't know if they are going to be in my face, abrupt, with no filter and call me weird to my face...true story. It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying to meet people, I keep getting back on the horse. You never know who you might meet, or who might know someone that you need to meet through them. I haven't had ANY success with that yet, and believe me I've asked people...
I feel that I've digressed from where I began, and I apologize for that. I think my head is full of a lot of stuff tonight. Also in the back of my head is saying to me- remember you are going to join match.com and okcupid this weekend! You gotta work on your profile! But then I remember how long and hard I worked on my eharmony one several years ago and no one wanted to talk to me or go out with me, so I think I may just throw this one together and not think too hard on it. I think people only care about pictures anyway. Unfortunately that's the way the world works...
But back to Baylor! Yeah so 10 years is a really long time. In some ways it went by fast, but remembering memories from there...it does seem like a million years ago. When my hair was as short as a boy's and my denim overalls were my favorite outfit to wear. They don't cling to your stomach, how could there be anything better??
A lot DOES happen in 10 years. But it only takes a day or a moment for your life to change. I am thankful that this moment my cat is playing out back and I'm feeling the cool breeze come in through the window and that I'm relaxing in my amazing home decorated to the T exactly the way I want, with pictures and collages and words and COLOR and I don't have to change a single thing if I don't want to! I may not have anyone in my life telling me or showing me they love me on a regular basis. But I do have friends that love me no matter what. I may hardly see them it feels like, but they would be there for me if I needed them...even if it's just in text form. Thank god for text. I mean, seriously. I would be SO much more lonely and full of despair and feelings that no one loves me or cares, if text message hadn't been invented. Even if my friends are busy with life or love or wrangling kids, they can still at some point (most of the time), respond to a text with a kind word or acknowledgement that I still exist. Isn't that what Facebook is about? Reminding the world that we exist. Look at me! Don't forget me! Someone love me! It's all about YOU on your page. Even if you are talking about something other than yourself, it's still something that interests you or explaining how you feel about a certain situation or event.
So I feel like this blog initially started out with ONE focus, but merged into many more topics or focuses. But that's why it's called Christie's contemplations, with a "s." The moral of this story is: come up with your own moral. I'm not a fable book writer! ;o)
And don't forget that even if you're not where you thought you would be, 10 years ago, you've still done a lot and grown a ton and contributed to the world in a million ways. My contribution isn't a couple kids I bore and share a home with, it's a hundred kids! I don't have just one love I see everyday and care for with such focus and intent, but rather many friends I love and care for and would be over at their house in 2 shakes, if they ever needed me to be. I love my godsons as if they were my own children, and my cat as if she was my an actual child. I don't love my friends as if they were my lovers..haha..because if I did the awkwardness would kill the friendship..and now I've killed this blog with that comment. So pretend I ended it before that last comment. And don't forget to still try, and still love, even if it doesn't immediately come back to you or bring that special someone to you, one day it will. One day it'll just happen, and boom. everything is yours. I'm not just talking to the blogosphere..I'm talking to myself. Don't ever give up on love. Love will find a way. I'm pretty sure I stole those lyrics from a song :op 
   

PG-13 love

I want PG-13 love as much as I want X rated love...actually more, in fact. I want the hand holding, lying in bed together with the sheets covering all the good parts. I want lying on the couch fully clothed, talking about life and passionately making out, still fully clothed. Now don't get me wrong, I want all the naked stuff too, but all that stuff comes after all the PG-13 stuff. I want a love that's raw and real and honest. So maybe that part's not PG-13. Why is love so hard to find? It seems like if you didn't find it in college or before you hit about 28, you're pretty much screwed. So what about the people who didn't realize that what they wanted was the opposite of what they thought they always wanted and they were pushing 31 at the time?? What then? Where does that put me? Am I now 21 again, starting over on a different team? I'd like to think that, because then I have all the time in the world. What are the rules? Because I think there are rules. I seem to break all the rules anyway, so maybe it doesn't even matter. Unless you're almost 32, single and have been for 6 and a half years with not so much as a date, just switched sides, and grew up watching way too many Disney and rom-com movies, then you don't get a say it what I'm about to say. I have to find someone to spend my life with, or my life will never be complete. There has to be a reason I'm still single and I haven't figured it out yet. Here are the options: 1) there is something wrong with me that nobody is seeking me out or attracted to me. 2) God does not love me or trust me enough, to give me that special someone to care for to death do us part. 3) the right girl for me is currently in a relationship and therefore not looking for me, so as much as I try I'm not going to find her until she ends it with her current chick. And the worst possibly answer and I hope to God it's not true 4) I am going to be alone forever and never find anyone, because I'm not meant to be with anyone, I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of  my life. I really really hope that the answer is number 3 and not 4. I feel ready. I know who I am, I'm confident, I'm ready to work on a relationship. Maybe I want it too much, but I can't want something less. Do you want your kids less? Do you want your house and your food and your job that pays for everything less? No! This is the most important thing in the world to me. I'm not saying I can never have happy moments without this, because I have a lot of them, all the time, but I would only have more with that forever someone. And I would have sad moments and really tough moments too, I'm not a hopeless romantic idiot. But I know what I need and I do need this kind of love. This PG-13 love and more. Mollie helps, but she's not enough. Maybe having someone won't fill the void, but gosh darnit let me try! 6 and a half years of complete silence and utter lack of love is breaking me down. it's literally killing me. I go to the doctor on Monday and I'm wondering if I should ask if my body seems to be deteriorating from lack of love, because it feels like it. I need the weight of another human being on me. I'm not the kind of person willing to pay for this...well except for massage therapy. But the body goes with the spirit and soul and those would also be fed through the emotional connection of my soul mate, the deep impact of loving each other passionately with all our hearts. Caring about what the other thought about each other and wanting to better ourselves for that person and growing everyday. Showing that person and telling them how much they are appreciated, how much they are loved. I have no one. I can go a whole weekend without any friends checking in with me. I have a text relationship with the majority of my friends due to the fact they don't live near me or they just have more important people to spend their free face to face time with... ie: their own soul mate and or children. I want that. I don't think they deserve it more than me. We don't deserve anything. Love is a gift. I feel like I give it and I get it too from some of my closest friends, but not the consistency and intense level that they are receiving it from their most close loved ones. They ones THEY spend every day face to face with. I know I am blessed. I know I am more blessed than other people out there that barely are getting by. So it's not about what everyone else has, it's about what I need as a human being to survive in this crazy world. Love is everything. To those that have had it for the past 10 years and are the same age as me, you are the most luckiest human beings in the world and I hope you know that. Lucky is the word I choose. Blessed to me means that God would choose to bless some over others with the exact same thing they both want, and I don't like that at all. Lucky is more appropriate. The friends who have found someone that loves them and wants to be in their life everyday, they have won the lottery! Truly! I mean, the odds are about the same, when you look at the entire world as a whole. I don't know the real statistics, but I can only imagine the odds are stacked against us. Or maybe I'm just looking at Hollywood...But look at the ads and commercials. They all involve families. Granted they need to have more same-sex families portrayed in them, JC Penny does have this in their paper ads, but no one really looks at them anymore. But the point is, I think we are drilled into us from the moment we see our first TV show, movie, commercial or ad as a child...we have to find someone to spend our life with and start a family. If you are like me and were raised in the church, this is a much better example. The sad lonely 40 year olds or however old they were when I was a kid, were pitied, because they didn't have the wife/husband and at the very least 2 kids. That's really what the church caters too and thus telling their children they must want exactly this and seek this out. I can tell you right now, I just want ONE kid. Logistically, financially, emotionally, and for my sanity, I just want one. And not alone either! I won't have any if I don't get married. No way hose! (I can't figure out how to do the spanish accent mark) haha. I SO do not want to raise a child by myself, of my own choosing. I literally don't think I could handle it. I think I'd cry every day from lack of alone time. I've been single for 10 years after college and lived alone for the majority of it. Momma's used to her ME time, that's for sure. If I had gotten married right out of college, like so many others, (I would no doubt be really unhappy right now), but I probably would have 3 or 4 kids right now. Maybe I would love having that many kids. I used to want that, but times have changed. I'm too old to have that many, unless I want 3 in diapers, which I DO NOT. Life is funny. Life isn't always PG -13. My life seems pretty G rated (with all the babies I spend my days with for my job)...it's maybe PG on occasion. It gets R-rated when I'm in the car in traffic, or some teeny tiny random thing sets me off at home, but the big things of life I don't cuss at. Maybe that's why I cuss at the small things, the things I think I should be able to control...since I know there's no way in the world I can control the big things of my life. I wish I could. Maybe my next blog post I will write about my vision. The girl I visualize whenever I can, mostly in the car when I'm driving, for some reason. I think maybe because my head is clear on those drives in between home visits. Maybe she will appear like in the movie Ruby Sparks. Only I will not try to control her. I don't try to control people or big things. I know better than that. But how cool would that be if I wrote her and then I met her out in this crazy world. That would be awesome. To be your own rom-com; PG-13...and then eventually R...anything's better than my G rated life. ;o)

Robots and love

I am reminded in this moment that I am NOT a robot. For some reason I am on the brink of crying, or possibly crying, but I don't know why yet and I'm not a big crier and it has been 7 months since I've balled like a baby, but only 2 days since I had to listen to 3 babies in a row scream cry for what seemed like eternity, so maybe I'm wanting to mimic them. Also, robots don't longed to be hugged and cradled like a baby and have someone lay on top of them, just to feel the weight of another body...to tell them that they are not alone, because literally there is someone on top of you right now, so you couldn't possibly be alone. I was thinking back over the summer when I was struggling and there was this moment of break down and all I wanted was to be held, but I had no one. I asked, and still had no one. It was a really tough moment, but like all tough moments, I do get over them. While I think dying from a broken heart and of loneliness is possible; I do think you'd have to be on a desert island like Tom Hanks was in Castaway, when all he had was Wilson, a volleyball. You know you cried when that ball floated away. We all did.
But I was starting to think about becoming a robot. Like not literally. That's weird and freaky and not possible at this moment in time, at least not current human beings becoming robots. But a robot when it comes to love. And again, not a sex robot. I just wanted to not feel anything anymore. At least not when it comes to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and thinking no one is ever going to love me. It's too late for me and so forth. To be a robot and not care if no one loved me just sounded perfect to me. Because then I wouldn't care if I was alone forever. I wouldn't know what I was missing. And I definitely know.
I can't listen to anyone say that I will find someone, because how the hell do they know? And usually they have someone that loves them, themselves, so they just throw shit out there because they are so happy and in love, it's like, sure why not? I did, you will, it's easy, baada bing baada boom. Robots shut down after work, which I pretty much do anyway. I have to in order to survive. But if I was energized by some lovn' (if ya know what I mean) wink wink, I'm sure I wouldn't need to shut down completely. I'm drained with no one to fill me up. Petting Mollie does help and having her little fat body on my chest in the evenings, does help with the whole "weight of someone" on me, but it's not enough and it's not human, so definitely not what I ultimately need. But I love my moll molls and she is definitely a blessing and I am lucky to have her. Even though she continues to bite my hands and I look like Edward scissorhands is my boyfriend.
But when I've been contemplating trying to be a robot and impossibly turning off the "love button" or what have you, since I'm not using it, I'm reminded of WALL-E. Sweet Walls, falling in love with the beautiful and shiny and new EVE, forever changing what we know about the nature of robots. And somehow he managed to get fat people out of floaty chairs, and that's an amazing feat. Oh WALL-E. He was the epitome of loneliness...on a apocalyptic Earth wasteland, all alone, doing menial tasks for what appeared to be no money and what looked like served absolutely no purpose; plus his only friend was a cockroach.  You can't get any lower than that. Yet he loved collecting Earth's trinkets and watching really old musicals, since this movie was set in the far future, and the musical they were watching was like from the 1950s, it was really really old. I'm glad he found love. He's a cartoon drawing, but everyone that wants to find "the one" should have them! People who find that early on in life, meaning their 20s, are the luckiest people on Earth, and they probably don't even know it. For those of us who continue to be single while their same age friends are celebrating 10 year anniversaries, you know what I mean. It seems to me that finding the one is like finding a needle in a haystack. It's nearly impossible. I haven't done the studies on the numbers, but even though I feel alone in my singleness, I'm pretty sure there are far more single people than couples. You are very lucky to find the one for you, that perfect match. It's really not as easy as "joining E-harmony" like they say it is. I like to think that everyone that wants to find the one, will. If you don't want it, well then get out of the way and stop dating our guys and girls, because you are just wasting their time, and mine/ours. Everyone says "oh I met my girlfriend or boyfriend when I stopped looking." That's a load of crap, because you didn't meet them in your sweatpants at Target on a Saturday night. That's where I am "not looking". You "think" you were not looking, but you were. You're brain was tuned in to who was around and who looked interesting and who wanted to talk to you too. You're always "looking," even when you think you're not looking.
So, I'm a human, and not a robot, and that's a good thing. Life is what it is. I can't make anybody fall in love with me and want to spend everyday with me and live with me and build a life and raise a child with me. I could get a robot to do those things, but it wouldn't be because they loved me. It would be because they are programmed to do those things, and no one wants that. Mollie doesn't love me because she has to, and she definitely doesn't show it all the time. But at night she climbs up on my chest to sleep or right up next to me, where a spouse would lay...our backs together, or my arm around her small body. And she licks my nose. I don't have food on it, she just loves me and wants to put her "ownership" on me, and care for me as if I was her very own, which I am. Thank God for giving us animals, like dogs and cats. He could have said, "well you're not getting a partner in love, so suck it and get used to being alone", but instead he said, "well for now here's a dog, or a cat. They will love you until I send you the human companion you so long for." At least that's what I hope he is saying. I texted this question to my church, as they are taking "Questions for God" for sermons. Of course THEY aren't God, so I'm not sure how they are going to answer them...I think it's a ploy to get us to church. But I'm interested to see if they will even address mine. My question for God is this: "Why does God have a mate for some people and not others? Why are some people alone forever and never find anyone to marry them and love them 'till death do you part?' And I'm not talking about the people that choose to be alone. But the ones that want this more than anything, but still never find 'the one.'" It may never have an answer. It's just the way things are. 10 years ago I thought by now I would already be married...to a guy, have 3 kids, a house and a dog, and now I currently have a cat and am looking for a wife and only want one child! I guess the house thing still remains. Who knows what my life will look like 10 years from now? Hopefully I will have everything I want by then. Hopefully being the key word. Or maybe a robot will be invented by then that will mimic love, and I can buy it. I kid I kid... ;o)

Garden State and Me.

Boredom has ensued tonight. And when I'm bored and then something has caused me to fall into a bit of a "numbness" stage, I go to my Garden State Soundtrack. This is THE best movie soundtrack of all time, no argument. It continues to be my #1 favorite movie, and that's saying a lot because I LOVE movies and most people change their top favorite depending on what new movie has come out, or what mood they are in that day. I love how it starts out with Coldplay. And old school Coldplay. The kind of angsty, slightly depressed sounding tone that can play into your sullen mood and give it words. I've just now listened to "Don't Panic" 5 times in a row. It's the song that gives life to my numbness moment. He says "we live in a beautiful world," but does it really sound like he means it? His almost monotone voice tells me he doesn't. Or maybe he's being sarcastic. He says "yeah we do, yeah we do," but  something tells me he doesn't believe they do. The best line however, is the last one..."cuz yeah everybody here's got somebody to lean on." Sure feels like that. Everybody but me. I've got Mollie, but she pushes my face away with her paw which tells me that she doesn't want my endless kisses...which I can't understand why! Ha!
I love this movie. Seriously. It came into my life when I was feeling just like Andrew Largeman. Numb to everything, just going through the motions, living life, but barely living. He was an actor who made everyone believe he was actually mentally challenged in real life, or whatever the word we are supposed to use nowadays; it seems to change everyday. At that point I was playing the part with the babies I work with- a sort of Barney/Mary Poppins character who had to be up up up or they might not respond to me. I rented this movie, watched it, and then bought it and the soundtrack, all in the same day. It was absolutely perfect in every way. It was right before I moved to Colorado, when my life was in stagnant water and not only was nothing changing, I was miserable and in a fake relationship that had "you know better than this and you deserve better" written all over it. It was doing more damage than I realized, and I desperately wanted to get outta dodge, but didn't know how. I was definitely stuck. I felt like Large. He didn't know how to feel, and it took going home and meeting the quirkier and beautiful Natalie Portman's character "Sam," to allow him to finally "feel" again, to cry again and to care about another human being and have that other human being care for him. I love how Sam just put it all out there. Sure she lies in the beginning, but quickly told the truth, and she also isn't afraid to make weird sounds that weren't any form of a language, when presented with an awkward moment. She wasn't ashamed to show him "tickle" her blanket, and have a funeral for a dead hamster named Jelly. It's funny I can still remember every detail of this movie and it's actually been awhile since I've seen it. But I did watch it a lot in the beginning and definitely a couple times every year since. I love how weird and random everyone is. From a "before big bang theory" Jim Parsons, in a medieval times full metal knight armor get-up, to weird Karl at the hardware store that tries to get them to invest in a pyramid scheme and says to Large- "I could've sworn you killed yourself. That wasn't you?" This movie is actually when I really fell in love with Natalie Portman. I had liked her in "Where the heart is," but strictly because they filmed part of it at Baylor, which I thought was way cool. I feel like she was playing herself in this movie, even though that's probably not how she was at the time in real life, I just like to think that, because I related to her quirkiness that is just so random. I loved her realness above anything. And I think it's pretty cool that we were born only 8 days apart. Seeing Garden State made me want to write a screenplay. As weird and meaningful as that one. It wasn't a blockbuster hit, but it meant more to me than any special effects, superhero, extravaganza out there. So many times I listened to Colin Hay's " I just don't think I'll ever get over you," and said yep. I totally get that. I was right there. I felt that way about my first love. But I did get over him, so it is possible, even when you're 100% sure it's not. The one scene I can't handle and wish wasn't in there, is when they are going on a little scavenger hunt for what ends up being his dead mother's necklace, that his old best friend stole off her body as he was one of the people that dug the grave and buried her. The scene takes them behind the walls of a hotel and people are watching prostitutes have sex with people. I have to fast forward through it. It's just too gross and uncalled for, but Zach Braff wanted it all I guess..porn included. I can't pick just one best scene. There are at least 3. One being when they are at the house of a guy that lives in a quarry and Large goes to the top of some excavating equipment and just screams as loud as he can, out into the quarry, wearing a trashbag as a raincoat. He finally lets it all out. No more passive, quiet, withdrawn and "keep everything inside" guy. He says "I'm pissed that my Dad blames me for my mother being in a wheelchair, even though I was a child and it was a freak accident." And "I don't want to live on these dozens of medications my psychiatrist father prescribed for me since that time, for whatever depression and anger he thought I had." It was doing more harm than good. He was seeing what it was like to live and to love and be whoever you are and feel however you feel in that moment. Just be, and not be afraid to feel sad or happy or mad or whatever. The scene in the pool is worth mentioning for the fact that I quoted that line many a time. When I made friends in Colorado that I thought felt at the time like a family to me; family when I was away from family, I told them about this line.  Large: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone"..."You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." I fucking love that line. I would say to my friends: "maybe that's all a family really is- a group of people that miss the same imaginary place." Now all those people are married and have real families. But I'm still searching for that imaginary place. I love my house and my Mollie, but it is missing one person. I don't think I could fit more than that in this particular house.
The tub scene is also pivotal for Large, as he cries for the first time since he was a child. Talking about his mom and the significance of the necklace, they had been on a scavenger hunt to find, even though he had no idea it was missing. Sam sees the tears coming and saves them in a paper cup to which Large says he'd put them in a scrapbook, if he had one. The ending does have the typical " I realize now I can't leave you" moment and the big kiss. Large decides to stay and not go back to his humdrum actor life in L.A., but he leaves it open by saying "So what do we do?" And I love that that is how it ends. Because people's lives don't end with a kiss at an airport in some pivotal "I can't leave you" moment. It keeps going after that. And he asked a very good question. I don't spend time thinking what they did after that moment. It's a movie, and they are just characters. They didn't do anything. The movie ended. But after every big pivotal moment in my life, it didn't just end. I'm still alive, so the Earth continues to spin and I continue to live in it. I think I do a pretty good job. I don't toss out my morals or my beliefs, to follow the crowd. The crowds head to bars, and while that has nothing to do with morals or beliefs, I just don't like it or feel comfortable with it or being around it much, so I don't! I don't feel bad about that. Sure it doesn't get me invited to hang outs with certain friends most of the time, but that's life and I'm okay with that. I choose to be able to remember the fun times I have and have them sober. While they may look back and say I laughed a lot and I had so much fun, I can tell from experience as the sober one in the same place as them, that nothing was funny nor fun. It was all in their head. The alcohol makes everything seem funny or fun. But no judgement! As long as they're not driving or going home with someone that could murder or rape them, do what you want, I don't care! Hmm...how did I get on that topic?? Who knows, but it needed to be said.  Garden state has drugs and alcohol in it...but it's still my favorite movie...yes that's where I was going with that ;o)
So in conclusion. Garden state rocks. It's the bomb. If you're in your 20s, you'll probably like it. Maybe early 30s. I still love it, but I first saw it when I was 24, and it was a pivotal and perfect time in my life. Maybe it will be for you. Or maybe you won't get it and won't understand how someone could write a really long blog post about it. But my guess is, if you made it this far, then you already love Garden State. And you're thinking, man I need to go watch it again. Unfortunately they are not re-releasing it in 3D like every other movie ever made. Believe me, I wish! If Titanic can be released in 3D, with nothing 3D about it, then so can Garden State. I would pay full price to see it. But don't hold your breath. I think there's a better chance of The Notebook coming out in 3D, than Garden State. And I wouldn't see The Notebook for free. ;o)