Garden State and Me.

Boredom has ensued tonight. And when I'm bored and then something has caused me to fall into a bit of a "numbness" stage, I go to my Garden State Soundtrack. This is THE best movie soundtrack of all time, no argument. It continues to be my #1 favorite movie, and that's saying a lot because I LOVE movies and most people change their top favorite depending on what new movie has come out, or what mood they are in that day. I love how it starts out with Coldplay. And old school Coldplay. The kind of angsty, slightly depressed sounding tone that can play into your sullen mood and give it words. I've just now listened to "Don't Panic" 5 times in a row. It's the song that gives life to my numbness moment. He says "we live in a beautiful world," but does it really sound like he means it? His almost monotone voice tells me he doesn't. Or maybe he's being sarcastic. He says "yeah we do, yeah we do," but  something tells me he doesn't believe they do. The best line however, is the last one..."cuz yeah everybody here's got somebody to lean on." Sure feels like that. Everybody but me. I've got Mollie, but she pushes my face away with her paw which tells me that she doesn't want my endless kisses...which I can't understand why! Ha!
I love this movie. Seriously. It came into my life when I was feeling just like Andrew Largeman. Numb to everything, just going through the motions, living life, but barely living. He was an actor who made everyone believe he was actually mentally challenged in real life, or whatever the word we are supposed to use nowadays; it seems to change everyday. At that point I was playing the part with the babies I work with- a sort of Barney/Mary Poppins character who had to be up up up or they might not respond to me. I rented this movie, watched it, and then bought it and the soundtrack, all in the same day. It was absolutely perfect in every way. It was right before I moved to Colorado, when my life was in stagnant water and not only was nothing changing, I was miserable and in a fake relationship that had "you know better than this and you deserve better" written all over it. It was doing more damage than I realized, and I desperately wanted to get outta dodge, but didn't know how. I was definitely stuck. I felt like Large. He didn't know how to feel, and it took going home and meeting the quirkier and beautiful Natalie Portman's character "Sam," to allow him to finally "feel" again, to cry again and to care about another human being and have that other human being care for him. I love how Sam just put it all out there. Sure she lies in the beginning, but quickly told the truth, and she also isn't afraid to make weird sounds that weren't any form of a language, when presented with an awkward moment. She wasn't ashamed to show him "tickle" her blanket, and have a funeral for a dead hamster named Jelly. It's funny I can still remember every detail of this movie and it's actually been awhile since I've seen it. But I did watch it a lot in the beginning and definitely a couple times every year since. I love how weird and random everyone is. From a "before big bang theory" Jim Parsons, in a medieval times full metal knight armor get-up, to weird Karl at the hardware store that tries to get them to invest in a pyramid scheme and says to Large- "I could've sworn you killed yourself. That wasn't you?" This movie is actually when I really fell in love with Natalie Portman. I had liked her in "Where the heart is," but strictly because they filmed part of it at Baylor, which I thought was way cool. I feel like she was playing herself in this movie, even though that's probably not how she was at the time in real life, I just like to think that, because I related to her quirkiness that is just so random. I loved her realness above anything. And I think it's pretty cool that we were born only 8 days apart. Seeing Garden State made me want to write a screenplay. As weird and meaningful as that one. It wasn't a blockbuster hit, but it meant more to me than any special effects, superhero, extravaganza out there. So many times I listened to Colin Hay's " I just don't think I'll ever get over you," and said yep. I totally get that. I was right there. I felt that way about my first love. But I did get over him, so it is possible, even when you're 100% sure it's not. The one scene I can't handle and wish wasn't in there, is when they are going on a little scavenger hunt for what ends up being his dead mother's necklace, that his old best friend stole off her body as he was one of the people that dug the grave and buried her. The scene takes them behind the walls of a hotel and people are watching prostitutes have sex with people. I have to fast forward through it. It's just too gross and uncalled for, but Zach Braff wanted it all I guess..porn included. I can't pick just one best scene. There are at least 3. One being when they are at the house of a guy that lives in a quarry and Large goes to the top of some excavating equipment and just screams as loud as he can, out into the quarry, wearing a trashbag as a raincoat. He finally lets it all out. No more passive, quiet, withdrawn and "keep everything inside" guy. He says "I'm pissed that my Dad blames me for my mother being in a wheelchair, even though I was a child and it was a freak accident." And "I don't want to live on these dozens of medications my psychiatrist father prescribed for me since that time, for whatever depression and anger he thought I had." It was doing more harm than good. He was seeing what it was like to live and to love and be whoever you are and feel however you feel in that moment. Just be, and not be afraid to feel sad or happy or mad or whatever. The scene in the pool is worth mentioning for the fact that I quoted that line many a time. When I made friends in Colorado that I thought felt at the time like a family to me; family when I was away from family, I told them about this line.  Large: "You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone"..."You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." I fucking love that line. I would say to my friends: "maybe that's all a family really is- a group of people that miss the same imaginary place." Now all those people are married and have real families. But I'm still searching for that imaginary place. I love my house and my Mollie, but it is missing one person. I don't think I could fit more than that in this particular house.
The tub scene is also pivotal for Large, as he cries for the first time since he was a child. Talking about his mom and the significance of the necklace, they had been on a scavenger hunt to find, even though he had no idea it was missing. Sam sees the tears coming and saves them in a paper cup to which Large says he'd put them in a scrapbook, if he had one. The ending does have the typical " I realize now I can't leave you" moment and the big kiss. Large decides to stay and not go back to his humdrum actor life in L.A., but he leaves it open by saying "So what do we do?" And I love that that is how it ends. Because people's lives don't end with a kiss at an airport in some pivotal "I can't leave you" moment. It keeps going after that. And he asked a very good question. I don't spend time thinking what they did after that moment. It's a movie, and they are just characters. They didn't do anything. The movie ended. But after every big pivotal moment in my life, it didn't just end. I'm still alive, so the Earth continues to spin and I continue to live in it. I think I do a pretty good job. I don't toss out my morals or my beliefs, to follow the crowd. The crowds head to bars, and while that has nothing to do with morals or beliefs, I just don't like it or feel comfortable with it or being around it much, so I don't! I don't feel bad about that. Sure it doesn't get me invited to hang outs with certain friends most of the time, but that's life and I'm okay with that. I choose to be able to remember the fun times I have and have them sober. While they may look back and say I laughed a lot and I had so much fun, I can tell from experience as the sober one in the same place as them, that nothing was funny nor fun. It was all in their head. The alcohol makes everything seem funny or fun. But no judgement! As long as they're not driving or going home with someone that could murder or rape them, do what you want, I don't care! Hmm...how did I get on that topic?? Who knows, but it needed to be said.  Garden state has drugs and alcohol in it...but it's still my favorite movie...yes that's where I was going with that ;o)
So in conclusion. Garden state rocks. It's the bomb. If you're in your 20s, you'll probably like it. Maybe early 30s. I still love it, but I first saw it when I was 24, and it was a pivotal and perfect time in my life. Maybe it will be for you. Or maybe you won't get it and won't understand how someone could write a really long blog post about it. But my guess is, if you made it this far, then you already love Garden State. And you're thinking, man I need to go watch it again. Unfortunately they are not re-releasing it in 3D like every other movie ever made. Believe me, I wish! If Titanic can be released in 3D, with nothing 3D about it, then so can Garden State. I would pay full price to see it. But don't hold your breath. I think there's a better chance of The Notebook coming out in 3D, than Garden State. And I wouldn't see The Notebook for free. ;o)

There once was a girl. She was a lucky charm. But not the kind that involves anything Irish.

You ever wonder why some people find the one they spend their lives with, in high school, while others live a life of lonliness and don't find anyone until they are much older or even at all? I don't know about you, but I think about this a lot. It certainly isn't fair. It's not like they "deserve" someone. If that was the case wouldn't Mother Teresa and Ghandi have someone?? And I'm pretty sure they were single their whole lifes. I think they chose it, but still. Am I supposed to act like it's fine, I don't need anyone, I can be alone forever? Because then I'll either start to believe it and have a wonderful life without someone, or because I'm so cool and collected, this awards me a person to spend my life with. Congrats you passed the test! yeah, sorry I don't like any of those options. I'm certainly tired of being everyone else's lucky charm. I'm tired of being that ugly rabbit foot that you're not quite sure is a real rabbit or not, but it's creepy and yet somehow magical at the same time. It seems like everyone I become friends with finds someone before me! It's totally unfair. And it's gone on long enough. I'm gonna stop befriending single people and only be friends with married people, or at least people in serious relationships. Maybe their good luck will rub off on me for a change. Of course it's a Catch 22, as thier time is more limited, than those of single people, so it will be a challenge to hang out with them. Or maybe it's not that I'm a good luck charm. It's that they are a typical 20-30 something, who dates people, goes out on dates, is in the dating scene, and I'm the freak that hasn't had any love in over 6 years. No dates. Nothing. That's not normal, I know. But it is what it is. I don't think I'm picky. I have recenly changed teams. To the team I was always supposed to be on, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't feel new to me. It feels like where I should've always been and now that I'm here I expect results now. This minute. I've waited long enough. And that's not how it's working for me. Unfortunatly. Maybe that's not how it works for anyone, but it feels like people get results a lot quicker than the turtle pace I move at. I'm smart and educated and very loyal and caring. I take care of babies and help parents and care for my friends and family and I feel like I help people to not be afraid to get out there and try things, and I'm not asking for a cookie, but I do want what they all seem to find. Love. A different love than a friend can provide. Why doesn't it happen for me? Is there something wrong with me that I'm not seeing? (This is rhetorical, none of you are qualified to answer this). haha ;o)
It plagues me sometimes. It angers me. It makes me think God hates me or enjoys shoving the love of others in my face every single day. He gets a kick out of it. Ha ha look what they have now and you don't! I don't care if that sounds childish. I don't care if you're like, there are bigger problems in the world and people are facing cancer and joblessness and hunger everyday. Finding the one to make your heart whole again is at the bottom of a long list. I know that. But this is what's most important to me. I don't want it to be my 'cross to bear' for my whole life. If I have to have a cross to bear, I'd like it to be something else. I mean, we all have things we struggle with, but this seems to be the theme of my whole life and I don't like that. Can I choose something else? I'm like enough is enough. Can I get an AMEN child??! It's just the way it goes I suppose. I don't know what else I can do. I do the best I can to meet people, but it's definitely hard when you don't fit in with the typical 20-30 something person. Bars and clubs are not me. Alcohol is not something I like or want to participate in and I wish I didn't have to be around intoxicated people ever, but I do, because it's impossible to make a group of friends that don't drink. I don't think that exists, unless you're Mormon, which I am not.
I enjoy laughing and having fun, soberly. Sober fun and games. There's nothing wrong with that. It is possible, even if you disagree with me. I remember the fun times...do you? those that drink a lot? Anyways, this isn't a PSA about alcohol intake. Everyone is entitled to do what they want as long as they don't hurt others, which I think is a dicey game when involving large amounts of alcohol. So good luck with that.
Ok. I've hit a wall. I apologize if this isn't going anywhere. It was a contemplation moment. It's what I'm processing tonight. Hopefully it made some sort of sense. If not, well hopefully I didn't waste too much of your time. But when it comes to the whens and whys of love, there are no answers. Sometimes you hit a wall. Sometimes there are no explanations. It is what it is. It seems like people are meeting and connecting every day...finding that one person to love. But in reality, the odds are extremely low that this person exists and that it really is forever. Couples don't die together in bed when they're old like in "The Notebook." I think that's what happened. I'm not sure, I saw it once, years ago and didn't like it. Give me quirky a quirky rom com any day, not that dramatic love conquers all, mushy BS. lol! alright. off to bed. The end. And they all lived happily ever after...

Love...and tandem bikes.

I was just looking at pics of my godsons. One in particular of the youngest, laughing for the first time. 2 months old, and actually laughing, and his "sissy" made him laugh. I love them so much. I had just met baby Ryder that weekend, as my bestie had moved almost 8 hours away. I was there for the big 2 year old's birthday. it was incredible. sharing that with them, with him. He calls me "sissy." He wouldn't imitate Auntie and Christie is too hard and too formal. I am more to him than a name people I'm not close with call me everyday. I remember when my little sister was young, she would call me sissy, not for sister, but actually her trying to say Christie, so we tried it and it took off! he asks for me all the time and I send him videos of me reading children's books to him. He obviously remembers me and loves me, the videos are for fun and lets mom take a shower while he watches them. I've even been the cause of a tantrum. Because he didn't want to turn the computer off. he wanted to "watch sissy." I've never been happier for a tantrum. I can't wait to see him and his baby bro in Destin in a month. Just me, my bestie and my boys. Not only have I never seen blue water and white sand, I've never been to the beach with Sky, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing that joy and shrieks of excitement when he sees that big 'ol sand box. And although he was talking at his birthday, he's talking even more now and in short sentences, so I can't wait to hear him. His voice is like the sweetest sound in the world.
As much as I love my godsons more than any other kids in the world, I long for my own. I don't know if I'll ever have them. I don't know if I'll give birth to a child that is half me and half...or if I'll adopt a child and called them my own. I used to want 4. Now I would give anything for just 1. Life is funny. You think you're life is going to be: married to a guy at 22, house, dog, a couple of kids. And instead it's the opposite of that: single, gay, half a house (rented duplex), cat and no kids! Does God have a sense of humor or what?! Is he playing a joke on me, or is my life perfect because it is exactly where I'm supposed to be? I have some more friends now. Instead of losing friends when I came out, I gained new friends. Friends are awesome. Bekah, (my bestie and Mom of my godsons), is more than a friend to me. She's a sister. She knows what I'm going to say before I say it. I only get to see her every few months, yet our friendship grows all the time. It's stronger through marriage and 2 kids and many moves on their part. Now who can really say that about their friends? When someone gets married and has kids, or even sometimes just a boyfriend, they kind of fall off the face of the earth for the most part. Maybe they kind of bleed through like a vision from another timeline...sorry I've been watching too much "Fringe." But whatever the case, the relationship changes and weakens. I feel pretty blessed that we're still close. I still wish we could talk more and see each other more, but our texts are much appreciated. Texting is underrated I think. People are like, it's not real human connection. It's not real emotion, or what have you. Well, is this blog I'm writing real? Do you feel my emotion? I think so. If you're a good writer at conveying thoughts on paper, then I think you can have an amazing relationship through text. You've had to of met the person first and had a face to face friendship, most of the time, to make it really work, but sometimes I think I make more sense in text. I can process better through my fingers than I can when someone is staring at me. I don't think I have Asperger's, but I don't really look at people too well in the eye when I talk to them, and my voice most definitely doesn't carry in a loud room like a club or bar. Just forget me talking, it's like I'm a ghost. Not to mention I don't drink anyway, so those places are lost on me. I also sometimes stumble on words, or forget basic words, like that thing, that's a thing with the thing. I say that a lot. That word was lawn mower, by the way. See what I mean?

Friends are great. Godsons are great. Best friends and cats named Mollie are even more great. But you know what would be incredibly amazingly wonderful? If right now, there was someone sitting in  my living room watching TV. Or in the bed next to me reading and asking when I'll be done typing, because the key sound is driving her crazy! That's what would be the best of greatest. I have a list going of up to 20 things so far, that I want to do when I get a girlfriend. Silly things like tandem bike riding, or picnics at White rock, hot air balloon rides and laying out and watching the stars on my front lawn. I can do a lot of things alone, and I do, but some things are meant for a significant other. Some things are meant for a love to do them with. For someone who is not there through text, or the phone, or occasional face to face time a few hours one day. But someone that you see practically every day, or every day at some point in the day, when you've made it to the living together stage! Sure we have work and I need my "me" time like nobody's business, but I long for intense face to face love. holding hands and staring into the eyes of the one beside me, where our noses touch. I mean, do you think I'm getting that with my friends? Of course not. We're not "that" kind of friends. One day. I tell myself, one day. I have this picture of a rainbow I found at Michael's and it says "somewhere." I'm guessing it meant "somewhere over the rainbow" since the word somewhere is literally over the rainbow. But I added to it in stickers. I put above it, "It's a beautiful day." then is says somewhere. and I put under it "True love waits for me." If I don't believe that true love is waiting for me somewhere, then what has all this been for? What would be the point of going through all this with myself and the struggle and understanding and coming to terms and coming out. Why? It has to be because my person, my love, is out there, and it's a girl, and if I wasn't looking for that, then I would walk right by her and not give her a second look. She wouldn't even be on my radar. I have to believe that all those letters I've written to my future love that I was gonna marry, were not in vain. They were meant for someone to read. They aren't meant to sit in a shoebox, sealed and taped up. I haven't read them since I wrote them, and I started writing them when I was 16. I'm coming up on 32, and although I don't understand why I'm still alone, maybe now I'm on the right path to meet the one. She's out there. She's close. I can feel her. Hopefully we will cross paths soon. Because Momma's getting antsy. And one of the things on that list I most definitely can't do by myself, and I'm not talking about the tandem bike ride. If anyone reads this and feels inclined to pray or send out positive vibes or a message to the great void for me, please do so. Say these words with me: "Please send Christie's one great love to her. In human form. In "true love meant to be together forever" form. She thanks you for her friends, family, godsons, dogs and cats, but she's ready for that one to spend her life with, and that they may live together forever in the same house. And get married and have as many children as they want, and in whatever form they want to have them in. Amen, peace out, thank you mother earth." And thank YOU for all that read this and said that last part and meant it. Even if I don't know you. I appreciate it. I believe everyone who really wants someone to share their everyday life with and who wants to work on a relationship and views it as realistically as I do (I don't have blinders on, I know it's very hard), should have it! No one "deserves" to have that committed partner in love. It's a gift, but it's a gift many have and I want more than anything. How else will I ride a tandem bike? ;o)