hug junkie or human?

I feel like all I've done the past 5 days is sit and stare. I mean that's entirely true, but I feel so lost in my head. I feel numb. I feel very disconnected from the world. I haven't had a car since Tuesday at about 2pm when I dropped it off at Firestone, after a malfunction light came on after one of my many home visits I drive to every day. Because it's the holidays they don't get the part until tomorrow morning, which is Monday, so by the time I get it back, it will be about 6 days total. Christmas Day my Dad did pick me up and brought me to their house so I could spend it with the family (how nice of them to do so). But besides that, I've been on my own. No one to talk to face to face, or on the phone for that matter. I did share about my car troubles with the guy at the awesome little seafood joint by my house today, so it's not like I'm some kind of recluse. Just part recluse. I made it out to Walgreens Christmas eve and CVS today, Sunday, but other than that, zilch, nada. It was really cold and windy most days. I wasn't much for walking in that. At least today there was sun. I feel kind of out of it. Somehow these days at home have all run together and they went by extremely fast, despite you thinking they would go by slow, being stuck at home. Like I said, sitting and staring at nothing, steals the time from you. I did other things too, it just seems though, that I did that too often. I don't know why I did. I don't think you ever plan to get in your head or zone out, you just do. I have been texting a couple friends some, so there's that I guess. But what I really want, is a friend to hold me. Even in a friendly way. You see girls on movies or TV shows, like ones called Girls, and in a totally non-sexual way, they are looping their arm through their girl friend's arm. They're putting their head on the other's shoulder. They're even sometimes in bed in some weird cuddling sort of way. Like I said, not sexual at all, and I'm like, girls do this with their friends?? Really? What girls are these? And why did I never get friends like that? Well if I didn't growing up, I certainly won't now. Any straight friend that's a girl, would probably never express friendship and love in that kind of way with me. Not knowing what they know now. That kind of sucks. I would never ever try anything with a friend. All my girl friends are straight, I would never compromise our friendship. But I do wish we had this kind of friendship. They are portrayed on TV and movies enough times in that way, to make me feel like everyone's doing it but me. Girls have friends like that, that show each other love in that way, a friendly, non-threating, non-sexual, touchy feely way?  I once had a friend put a hand on my back and rub for like 2 seconds and I about broke down crying. Human touch is powerful. It is SO powerful. It is life changing, it is heart healing. I need a real hug and the only friend that gives really deep, long, real hugs (the same one I just mentioned), I haven't seen since my birthday. 6 months ago. That's how long it's been since I've had a real hug. I think I maybe had a few fake wimpy hugs, but I honestly couldn't tell you when or where or with who. And this friend also initiates these hugs. So that makes it 10 million times better. I hate being some needy weirdo that is asking for a hug. But look how important they are! Look how much they mean to me! I've been rambling on about them for like 10 lines now. Man, I think if I got a real hug now, I might never let that person go. I think if I am ever lucky enough to be held by someone that really likes me, either in that way, or just as a friend, well I would probably break down crying and never stop. I would finally feel released from this prison that I'm in, because, well I don't know why exactly. But somehow I guess it's my fault. Because I'm not trolling the internet or going to meet-up events that I have no interest in, it's my fault I don't have anyone to hold me. It's all my fault, I haven't found anyone that I connect with. I haven't tried hard enough. I do have friends that love me, they just don't have time for me. They just don't express love with their friends in this way. I mean why should they? They have husbands to hold them at night. They have little kids that they are always picking up and holding. Why would they make the time to just come over and hold me? I'm not saying that sarcastically or in a mean way. I'm just being honest. Why would they? That doesn't make any sense. It's not important to them, or something they've ever done with a girl that's a friend, so it probably never occurred to them. That's what girlfriends do in movies and TV, but not in real life. Or at least not in my life. You can't make friends do things that they are uncomfortable with. I remember once, I was in a really bad place and I had just started to realize that I was probably gay and I was trying to go out and do things but I found myself paralyzed with fear outside this dance club type place. Women were walking in and I was in the car flipping out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in. I ended up driving to Barnes and nobles and eating some cheesecake by myself instead. That didn't really help because there were all these straight couples there doing the same, which I thought was a little weird, I mean go to the actual cheesecake factory. In fact it was literally next door to this particular Barnes and Nobles. And so I went out to my car, but I couldn't drive. I was a mess, I was crying and I couldn't stop. I called a friend and I had never asked a friend this before but I was desperate and I asked her to please come over and hold me. Whether or not she truly would, I don't know. The fact is she couldn't. She was busy that night, she was out somewhere with her husband. I don't think it weirder her out, we're still friends. She was a newly wed at the time, I was at her wedding. It wasn't going to be anything fishy, I just wanted to be held while I cried. She said I should call my Mom. My Mom doesn't hold me. I can't recall her ever holding me, but I'm guessing she did as a child or I would be like one of those poor Russian orphanage kids and I'm not that bad, poor sad babies. I could barely even remember times she had ever hugged me. Of course when they left me in my dorm room freshman year, when I moved to Colorado, times like that. Even now, as I have made the conscious decision to hug my Mom and Dad (my Mom is reluctant but takes them. My Dad, responded really well and gives real hugs back and doesn't let go until I do and will kiss my cheek if I kiss his first). But even now, I still am the one to initiate every one of those hugs. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was surprised by one. I wish I turned around to leave and they pulled me into a hug, against my will even, like a child who thinks they're too old for a hug. I wish that happened. But you can't blame people for expressing love the way they express it. It might not be how you want it, but the important thing is that they give it, however it is they do. I still don't know what to do about this need that isn't being met. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying, my skin is dying. Like I'm living without sometimes basic, and thus withering away slowly. Most of the time I guess I can distract myself from it, or just try not to think about it. I guess it didn't work, or I wouldn't be talking about it now, but I don't think about it all the time, just almost all the time. I'm a junkie. A touchy-feeling junkie. That sounds weird. Hug junkie? Let's just leave drugs out of it and say I'm human. I'm a human. I need touch. that's all there is to it.

Hope for 2015...(she said sarcastically).

I don't like to write the way everyone else writes. I don't want to write about "looking back on your year." Or "ways to lose that holiday weight," or "10 New Years' Resolutions that YOU should be making." Maybe I'll never publish any of my writings, or get paid for them, but I'm okay with that. I write about my inner struggle and my pathway to self-discovery. About the ways I find happiness. Even just about how writing in and of itself, is my own form of therapy. I'm not going to look back on my year and ponder what I've accomplished. I don't have any big life events that have happened. I really haven't in years, and I'm ok with that. This is my story, not someone else's. If other people want to see the validity of their life in the partner they found to spend their time with, the kids that they had, or simply material things or big expensive trips, well then that's fine. That's them. Me, I'm happy that I'm still here, I still have my health. I'm happy that my parents are still with me on this planet. I'm happy that Mollie, my cat, hasn't run away to join the circus. I'm happy I still have my job that affords me my house and all the concerts, musicals, maybe a trip or two in the states every year. Many people have none of those things. All my friends past and present may have so much more than me, even just in terms of people that care and love them deeply and tell them or show them that on a regular basis, or just by being present in their every day lives. But more people than I've ever met or will ever know, have far less than I do, so I'm grateful for what I do have. That said, it's definitely harder during the holidays. It's a time for families, meaning children, and couples showing their love through material gifts. And also just spending time together. I wish I could spend time with my friends during the holidays, but that never happens. Jewelry commercials begin, with proof that every girl is getting that diamond ring of their dreams... and I don't even like jewelry. But I do want what it represents, true love and a promise to stay together forever. Christmas changed for me this year. It's the first year it wasn't just the 4 of us. My sister brought her fiancé and thus Christmas will never be the same ever again. Some how I managed to make it through the day. I was nice and not distant. I talked and I smiled and I didn't leave the room or put on headphones. Not once did I get to talk about me, though. Not once did anyone ask me anything about my life or what was going on with me. And I hadn't even seen my sister since May. It was all about the wedding, the bridesmaid dress, the honeymoon, the fact they might move to Belgium for 8 months. Yeah I get it, that's a lot to talk about. Like I said, I didn't say anything. I participated. I was more than just present in the room. I'm over it now. I'm back at my house, where I am safe and secure. I'm in my bubble, in my world, where I'm the most important person here. Where my cat Mollie stares at me endlessly and listens to me, for the most part, she is just a cat. But what person listens all the time anyway, right? I wish my mom would be as happy and excited for me about what's going on in my life, no matter how small, no matter if really all that's going on is something to do with my cat or my godsons (my best friends kids), as she is for my sister. All she's ever wanted is to plan a wedding and be a grandmother. I get it. I'm sorry I can't make that happen for her. I have no control over it. I wish I did. I want those things more than anything. But my sister just got lucky. She didn't search far and wide and long and hard. It just fell into her lap, like everything else in her life. I wish I could be given jewelry, a new iPhone, a Wii, a trip to Disney world, taken to Harry Potter World... I'm sure there's more but that's all I can remember right now of what's been GIVEN to her. If I want something, I have to pay for it myself. If I want to go somewhere, I have to save up and pay for it myself. I've never been given anything extravagant, any big or expensive gifts and most certainly never a trip of any kind. But that's the way it is. Again, nothing I can do about that. For some reason my lot in life is to be alone. Maybe a new city is what I need, new faces, new people. Or maybe it'll just come crashing down all around me as Colorado did for me. I'm not willing to risk it just yet. I'm not ready to give up the best place I've ever lived (the house I live in now, not the city). I'm not ready to risk what a move might do to Mollie. Would it kill her? Would she run out the door the second I opened it and I'd never see her again? This is the only home she's ever known. And while I would move in a heartbeat FOR someone I was in love with and committed to. I really don't want to move and not only lose my favorite house, but also Mollie and then discover that it was all for nothing, never finding "the one" in that new city, and maybe even falling into debt because of the cost of living being higher, which is a strong possibility in the places I would consider moving to ie: Washington or Colorado. Mountains. Why else would you move away from your comfort zone, if it didn't involve a beautiful view? At least when I lost everything in Colorado Springs, I still had that damn mountain range. That gorgeous Pikes Peak. It alone kept me there another 8 months or so. I'm a little too comfortable here. I'm not challenging myself or trying much at all anymore. I feel like I've given it my all, though. How many times do you have to fail at something before deciding to stop trying all together? Making a connection with someone is a tricky thing. You either have it or you don't. You can't force it. Some people don't even want to "give it a try." People decide all the time, based on the way you look. I'm a failure at people. That's kind of how I see it. Or maybe a failure at "dating." God, what does "dating" even mean? Is hanging out, "dating?" Or do you have to use the words, "Do you want to go out on a date with me?" for it to be an actual date. I feel like I am truly capable of talking to people, and being "normal" and saying "normal" things and being pleasant and nice and friendly and asking questions. But then why does nobody like me in that way? Why does no one want to get to know me further? I hear myself when I talk. I'm funny, I'm nice and I ask a lot about the other person, not just talk about myself. I wouldn't even say I'm that shy when it's a one on one situation. I might be a little bit, but only if I get the feeling they aren't that into me. I read people too well. I would love to meet someone who is so excited to get to know me. Someone that just wants to know everything about me. Instead I get someone who has yet to ask me a single question about my life, to get to know me in any way. And it's been more than just a couple months now, that I've known her, but anyways.  I guess I'm not attractive enough to most people. Well, I'm not changing the way I look, or improving it in any way. I have been known to wear makeup and try to fix my hair more than my usual everyday look, which isn't saying much, since I wear scrubs and a ponytail and no makeup to my job working with babies. I have enough self-esteem to say that I'm not ugly. But for whatever reason, be it the other person's crap or what have you, no one has been interested in me since George W. Bush was president... the second time, with the exception of one other person, but that's a whole other story. But anyways, these are just my contemplations, my wonderings. Questions with no answers. 2015, come on over, or don't. Does it really matter? In the words of Dwight from The Office, "that's how it goes sometimes, ya know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you." That is a very good point, Dwight. ;o) Or something more hopeful than that... I'll go with the more hopeful quote...I don't have one, but make one up and send it to me, why don't ya? ;o)