OK. first off. This is going to be a part complaining post and part contemplation post (I'm hoping at least; because as I type complaints, I often contemplate them and reach some sort of a revelation or reminder, in the end). I cleverly call it "Single white female" problems, poking fun at the term "white people" problems. Because yes in the grand scheme of life or taking a look at the problems of America, or the world, mine aren't really problems. But this blog has my name in it, thus making it quite selfish. so there. deal with it. (hint of sarcasm implied).
Maybe my problem as a "single white female", is not having any "single white female" friends. Or any color for that matter. At least not in a close capacity of friendship. (I love using quotes by the way, whether they need them or not). But what makes life so unfair to me (again with my pity party for one), is that the friends I hold close are not physically able to be there for me like I would like, anymore. They aren't able to go on a trip to out of state with me, or hang out on a Saturday with me. Two wildly different spectrums, but each not possibility. Not when you have a husband and kids, which "golden time" is reserved for. "Golden time equals weekends and vacations. And this totally sucks! Or maybe it's even reserved for tighter friends than me, I don't know. (My best friend lives 7 and a half hours away. I like to think we'd hang out every weekend, if she lived here. Not alone of course, but I do love my godsons more than any other kids on the planet, so that would be okay too). I also love parentheses too...
I want to not have to ask anyone to hang out with me on a Saturday or take an out of town trip with me. I just want it to be implied! A given. Because we are dating or living together or married or what have ya. If I had close single girlfriends, it's not that they could hang out with me all the time, that would be too much. But I could ask them and most likely they could, unless they had already made plans. They would be able to go out of town with me on a vacation. They wouldn't be lacking financial resources or time off, (at least not necessarily), because they wouldn't have already used it up on their husbands and children, the really important people in their life. I want to be that "really important person" in someone's life. My best friend always says she admires me for being brave and always going to things alone, concerts, musicals, vacations ect. Well I don't care about being brave anymore. I'm not brave. I just really wanted to see that singer and nothing was going to stop me. But I also really want to visit Washington state, see the fields of tulips, the orca whales, the mountains, the ocean. But can I do that with the ones I hold dearest? No. because they have obligations and loved ones and it's just not feasible. Well, that's just not fair. (Told ya I was gonna complain). At least I'm not throwing the biggest fit ever, like Rachel did in Glee tonight, just because Santana auditioned as her understudy. Who care, Rach?? Seriously. Do you remember who Idina Menzel's or Kristin Chenoweth's understudies were in "Wicked." well no of course you don't because Idina is your birth mom, and Kristin in a drunken lady that went to High school with your old Glee teacher. But in the real world, understudies aren't remembered by name. So don't freak out. You're still the star. I don't know that you're "better" than Santana, but you're better in your own way. Ok enough about Glee, that's not really the point. Just a comparison to the single white female throwing a hissy fit about what's making you mad...sounds like me, ok I get it.
The problem isn't that I'm not capable of going on vacations alone. You can't say, "But Christie, have you even done it before? Don't knock it till you try." Why yes, yes I have. Many many times, both in local Texas trips and out of state ones as well. And guess what. While some events in them, like say a concert, is just truly incredible and I would have to say "worth the trip," that doesn't mean that the rest of the trip wasn't boring, and depressing and lonely. Because it so is. Traveling alone, (car or plane), eating out alone, walking around the town, seeing the sights alone, going on "tours." All that freaking sucks, especially when everybody in your cave tour is a family and when they make you take that stupid picture in front of the ugliest part of the cave, all alone, you feel like an even bigger loser than you already did. I still do it. I still go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. Feeling like a loner loser doesn't stop me. Except this time it is. I really want to visit Washington. I really want to go spring time because as an added bonus there are fields of a million tulips, which puts our Dallas Arboretum ones (that open up in about a day and die), to shame. That's what the website said. a million. Kinda makes our bluebonnets in Ennis sound a little lame, I gotta say. But anyway. I just can't do it this time. I have too many experiences and feelings of what it's like to walk around a city I don't know, all alone. I don't want to experience that feeling again. At least not so soon. I just got back from a weekend in San Antonio all alone, and while seeing Kristin Chenoweth made the 5 hr drive one way and the eating enchiladas alone at a little Mexican restaurant (the only other table being a group of friends), and walking the streets alone and trying to balance my continental breakfast on my arms so I could take it up to my room to eat, since I wasn't gonna share a table with a little family, and the all-family cave tour plus 1 single gal, worth it. (she's just THAT incredibly amazing and I will see her 500 more times, alone if I have to). It still doesn't make me want to hop a plane and spend twice the amount of days to see the sights of Washington, all by my lonesome. I ain't meetn' up with Kristin up there! If I was I'd be on a plane tomorrow. But then I wouldn't be all alone, thus negating my whole rant. If my friend didn't go with me to New York city for my 30th birthday, I would have never gone. There's no way I would navigate that huge city all by myself. I would just wander around lost and cry probably. It wouldn't be like that in Washington. I'm sure I could find my way and I already did it in Colorado. Went there alone and visited it many years in a row alone. Although after already living there, I did know people, so it was different. I did most things alone, still. That's just me, though. But I'm kinda sick of it. I'm way sick of it in fact. I want my person. Like Meredith and Cristina from Grey's, only we won't grow to hate each other, although I don't blame Cristina, Meredith is all uppity and thinks she's better than her because she's married and has kids. You can totally tell that. (and that's not what my friends think of me, I know). I just want someone, a girlfriend, in particular, as it would be much more fun (hotel wise), than if it was just a girl that is a friend. wink wink. Ugh. life is so frustrating. On a different yet similar note. Connection and chemistry are frustrating. I just haven't been lucky in that area. There's been connection before, but not chemistry. That's the problem when you fall for a straight girl...(and that's the only girl you ever fell for, who isn't a character on a show or an unattainable actress). But that's so totally over, not pining for her in the least bit, if you were wondering about that. One of those bubble bursts things. I guess I digress, but I hope I do find that some day. I really really do. I really don't want to go through life without ever experiencing true love and chemistry and connection and passion and everything rolled into one. I really really really hope that comes true for me someday. Preferably one day soon, I'm not getting any younger.
So what conclusion have I come to? I still feel like it sucks, and I don't want to do it. Go alone on a trip that isn't a day or 2 in within driving distance of home. I just don't want wanna and nobody can make me. I guess I haven't learned anything yet. Oh well. Maybe that's for another day. Maybe I'll go next Spring. Maybe I'll have someone by then, or maybe I'll just not give a fuck anymore and just go have a kick ass time with the orcas all by my lonesome. Maybe. We'll see. I'll probably still be writing this blog by then, so maybe I'll have a new story to tell. Here's hoping...cuz this baby's getting kinda old and tired and worn out...time for some fresh meat. some new blood. Come and get me!! Or at least be out there when I do try ;o)
