I wasn't going to address this commercialized made-up day, and I'm still not... yet. But by accident today, on this day of all days, I read some short stories I had written about a guy I dated in Colorado and almost married. I swear I didn't open this document on my computer on purpose. I wanted to re-read some of my stuff and I saw something titled "short stories" and I assumed it was short stories I made up. I didn't realize till I opened it that it was 8 pages of short accounts of different times we shared together. Camping, the Tim McGraw/Faith Hill concert, our day at the park, ect. It was weird reading it. Like really weird. It was like I was reading someone else's story, except all the memories were mine. But the vernacular was so foreign to me. I talked about how I felt, how he made me feel:
"He pursued me. Even in the beginning, he treated me like a princess, the way a woman should be treated. At restaurants he always made sure that I had a menu, had a drink, his jacket if I was cold. He was very attentive and always included me in groups and talked to me. He had the qualities of a man I always wanted- loving, caring, independent, attentive, touchy-feely. He made me feel like I was the only girl he saw. If I was being left out of a conversation, he’d bring me in. He wasn’t afraid to hold my hand in public, or pull my chair closer to his when we were at a restaurant with friends."
Re-reading it I was like, oh yeah! I experienced that feeling! For so so so long I've had nothing and no one to make me feel this way, I kinda felt like I had never felt that way. Like maybe I was making it up, or maybe I saw it in a movie and that's why I wanted it. I wanted to feel the same way and be treated the same way as that character in the movie. But that's not real, that's just a movie. But it wasn't! That was my life for real! At least for a short time in my life. He was exactly that way...until he walked away and broke my heart. My life was like a fairytale for a short period of time. He actually said the words "damn girl, your eyes are beautiful," and it wasn't a pick up line, he already had me, but even if it was, no one else has ever used that line on me. We were actually one of those sickening couples you see; that put their hands in each other's back pockets and are attached at the hip, just one person, you can't tell whose arm is whose.
This actually fucking happened! I didn't make this up. This wasn't in some movie I saw. This was a night, long ago:
"The night of the concert, we both dressed the part. Me in my black skirt and cowboy girl top, and Steve in his black jeans, boots and black leather jacket. We were the hot couple there that night. I was at the most romantic concert ever, with the man that I loved. I couldn’t think of anything better. We were on the very top row at the Pepsi Center in Denver, but we didn’t care. We were at the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill Soul 2 Soul II concert. Standing there with his arms around me swaying to the music, I thought I was in a dream. I was so sure that at any moment I would wake up. As Tim sang, “Just to see you smile,” Steve sang right along, singing the words in my ear as I was standing in front of him, his arms wrapped around me. Even though that song’s kind of sad, because he lets her go, just to see her smile, Steve said that that song was for me. When I later told him to listen to the words of the song, he didn’t realize what the whole song was about. He just liked the chorus and knew that –“just to see me smile, he’d do anything.'"
It's weird reading about your own life in that way. It feels like a million years ago, but it also feels unbelievable. Like maybe I made it all up. Like it was all a dream. In the grand timeline of life it was like a millisecond long. The whole relationship from start to finish, meeting to break up was all of 5 months. But I was definitely going to marry him. And since he brought up marrying me first, I believed him. It was his idea, to begin with. But all that doesn't matter now. I have zero feelings for him now. I haven't for a million years. It's just weird reading about it again, after all this time. I don't think I've read it once since I wrote it. We dated in 2006 and according to my computer I wrote about it in 2009. Although that must've been when I typed it in, I'm pretty sure I wrote it earlier, but anyways, I definitely haven't read it till now. What a trip. I'm grateful to have experienced all that though. It's at least something. I might not connect with anyone in that way now or in the past 8 years, but at least I did at one point. If it happened once, it can happen again. Or twice, actually, counting my first relationship. If you've loved and been loved, it can happen again. Some lucky ones (I have more than just one or 2 friends that this applies to), marry their first love and are still with that person. It amazes me. They are the luckiest people on the planet...or they're stuck. A person changes SO much in their 20s and into their early 30s, so being with that same person s...well I hope they've changed together at the same pace and are still people that want the other. I guess so, since they're still together, but what do I know. Obviously I'm glad now that I didn't marry my first love, but I'm not glad that I have yet to have my first love, in the gender that makes me weak at the knees and gives me this feeling in my stomach that can only be described as butterflies doing flip flops on a rollercoaster. It's intense, if you didn't get that picture. And not something I've felt before in the past with the guys I dated. Both guys I dated had the qualities I must have in a person: loving, caring, independent, funny, attentive, touchy-feely. If you don't like being touched, then stay away. I'm not inappropriate in public or anything. I'm a normal human being, but that would be at the top of my list.
So I went to this party a few weeks ago. It's also weird saying that, because I don't typically go to parties. I went because it was at a current friend's house, so at least I'd know her, AND she was having her friend who plays the guitar come and jam with us, which is the best and only way I would truly enjoy any kind of party or gathering of strangers-if there's live acoustic guitar music. So I was already in heaven. And since he was pretty much an amazing rockstar, I was already having the best night I've had in an extremely long time. Like an embarrassing amount of time. What was also cool about this night is that I got a lot of physical touch. And hear me when I say none of it was meant or seen to me as anything more than it was; just casual, friendly touch. But it was nice to be around people who are friendly in this way. It was refreshing and invigorating. My already friend is a very social, outgoing extrovert of a person. She likes to call people "babe" and gives hugs or just a simple touch, or arm around you while she talks to someone. It's all innocent and just who she is, which I think is awesome. So I got to experience a lot of that, that night. And then there was this new girl who was apparently an ex-introvert. She told me all about how she just decided one day that she wasn't going to be one anymore and be out-going, an extrovert convert. I'm not sure that's how it works, but I'm happy for her. She is a very very outgoing, outspoken, friendly girl. She has no problems talking to anybody about anything. She was also a personal space heater. She said she's always been hot natured and she took my hands in hers to prove it and was like dang your hands are freezing. Which they were. They aren't always, but they were that night. So she felt it her duty to warm them up, and I think they cooled her down too. She proceeded to hold my hands as if we were praying together or having an intense conversation about our relationship. I didn't take it to mean any more than it was, one person warming up another person's hands, but it was definitely a different and new experience for me. I had never had that experience with a stranger before in my entire 33 years, and it was really cool, I have to say. It wasn't as awkward as you'd think it would be. I actually didn't pull away, which was unlike me, with someone I don't know. It went on for a good while. She talked to others while holding my hands and did it again another time that night. My point being, human contact, real human physical contact is pretty much the best thing on earth. I mean you need air, clothes, food, water and shelter to survive, or you'll literally die front the elements. But I think you also need human touch. And I am definitely lacking in that area. I'm majorly lacking. I get it in some form with the little ones I work with. Most don't give real hugs at this age, but I have this one little boy who is about to be 3 and leave the program, who started running up to me and give me a big hug every single time I come. This started a few months ago. And I have another little boy who finds comfort in rubbing my ear lobe while we look at books, and another who likes to tickle my arm while I type my note. It's all simple touch, but it all means the absolute world to me. It's not enough, but it's something. Touch and being touched, can't be replaced by anything. No amount of texting can come anywhere close to matching what physical contact provides. I really hope I meet a girl one day who is exactly like me in this area. I hope she needs physical touch as much if not more than me. I would snatch her up and never let go. I am made for someone like that, and she is made for me. I hope she does exist. And I hope that I get to be in her life someday really soon. Or I might die from lack of touch...okay I guess technically I won't.
I don't care that I don't have anyone today. It's not a special day. I used to think it was, but it's not. People who are married or in a relationship of a special kind shouldn't have to have a day set aside on a calendar to remind them to love their significant other. And I don't mean that in some bitter, single girl way. It's just a fact. There really shouldn't be a "Valentine's Day." Doesn't each couple already have one? It's called their Anniversary. I don't think I would even do anything out of the ordinary today, if I had somebody. We'd stay in and order pizza to avoid the crazy crowded restaurants. We'd continue watching whatever series we were binge watching at the moment on Netflix, instead of attending some poorly written and acted and over-sexed movie in a theater, where everyone can feel awkward about what they are watching next to the complete stranger 2 inches from them. Flowers. I would want flowers. But I want flowers all the time, not just because it's valentines day. Not expensive flowers. $9.99 or less at the Tom Thumb around the corner, come on, be realistic and don't be picky and snobby. I show love in a lot of ways- words, gifts, time and touch. And I receive it back the same. But there are just some things only that person you are in an intimate physical relationship can provide. I don't have that person, nor do I have friends that want to snuggle platonically in bed like Hannah and Marnie do in the pilot of GIRLS. But maybe that doesn't really exist in real life. Or in the real life of most girls and their best friends. It is what it is. Life's what you make of what's been giving to you, not always searching for more or better. It's not about complaining. It's about making the best of it. So I'm not gonna complain or be sad. I'm just accepting and hopeful. This is me. Accepting of the now but hopeful for what could come in the future. After all, the future is only one second from now. Oh look, I'm already there.
