it's not you...it's not them...it just is.

It's a week before my little sister's wedding. I went from not wanting to be in the wedding at all, to being the maid of honor. As of today, one week before the wedding, I am the maid of honor. (I'm not even going to capitalize it, that's how unimportant I see it and not worthy of a capital letter). I am happy glad that my sister is getting married. It is what's best for all involved (meaning my parents and my sister). It's what's best for her well-being and my parents sanity, I can guarantee that. I, on the other hand am going to do my part. I'm getting there in the morning to set up the reception and the church, with my Mom. I've already assigned clean up to the sisters of the groom, who are also bridesmaids, so I don't have to stay later than is required of me. I mean let's face it, weddings are for 2 people- the bride and the mother of the bride. My Mom loves planning this kind of stuff and making centerpieces and boutonnieres. She did basically all the planning and all the work, well not basically, she did all but maybe one or 2 things. I guess there are people out there that freaking love weddings. I can't think of someone off the top of my head, but I'm sure many girls just eat them up. The dressing up, the dancing, the hook-ups with groomsmen...or maybe that's just a stereotype I got from too many wedding movies. You know I've been to a wedding or 2, or 10. I get the point and I get the celebration, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. That doesn't mean I should have to go to showers and oooo and ahh over a set of flatware or a soda stream machine. We get it. You get free stuff for being lucky in love. For finding someone that puts up with all your crap and says- "I'm not leaving! I'm in it for the long haul." Well good for you for being one of the millions of lucky people to have found that. That's exactly what it is, luck. Luck isn't reserved for just winning the lottery. That's something entirely greater than luck. That's way more rare than finding someone to at least commit the next X amount of years to you. Forever isn't possible. A life-time isn't true for half that marry (I don't know the percentage exactly. I don't bother with actual statistics and facts). But what was I saying? Oh yeah, weddings. I think when I went to the first 5 which were during my senior year of college and the summer after it, all very close friends, best friends in fact. Those weddings were great! I had a blast. I was happy for them. Genuinely happy for them. I was young and not jaded yet, I guess. Even though the guy I thought I would be marrying that same summer as many of them, broke up with me at the end of sophomore year, I had made it through it, I had survived. But as the years drove on; as I would make a new friend who was single like me, in their mid-20s, and then continuing the tradition into our late-20s. As this would happen, it seemed like it wasn't too long before they met a guy and poof, I was all alone again. I was friends with girls who had never had a serious relationship before meeting me and then suddenly they were finding "the one," and then I'd see them less and less, until not at all. It was like I was a good luck charm to everyone but myself. A real life four leaf clover. It was insane how often it happened. Or maybe it's just that falling in love and getting married are completely typical things for people of this world to do. Maybe it's not "me," it's just they are just like any other normal, sane, mentally stable, financially secure, educated, hot-blooded American woman. They find a like-minded guy and get married. (Just to be clear, I know that people who are not all those things I just listed get married all the time, I'm just pointing out (let's just say the more "healthy/long-term" marriages that come out of people in that category). It's entirely possible that two people that are already in the same category (those opposite of what's on my list), can and do fall in love and have lasting marriages. Just like those that fall into this more "stable" list of people can easily end up on the divorce line with all the rest. I guess my point being, those of us that I would call more "stable" NOT "better" than the rest; and that are still single and remain there indefinitely, are few and far between. It mostly happens in your 20s and 30s. I'm still in my 30s, but I'll be 34 in 18 days, and I feel like I'm losing out on time. I'll never get to say we were "childhood sweethearts," or get to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary; not unless we both live to be really old, like Betty White old. But Betty White is one in a million. She looks and acts like she's in her 70s max, not 90s. She's freaking amazing. I can't have a solid 5 years with just us before we have kids. That would be ill-advised at my age. I would've loved to have 10 years just the two of us. I only want one kid, 2 at the most, so that should be pretty easy to ship off to the grandparents. Unless they're little hellions. Here's hoping not. There was a time I wanted 4 kids. 4 freaking kids!! I loved the idea of a big family, everyone stepping all over each other, forced to share and not be selfish. But now. That's never going to happen, I'm too old already to just be starting from scratch. I'd be in my mid-40s before the 4th one's out of diapers. Anyways. This has nothing to do with weddings. Well babies do sometimes encourage weddings. Wink wink.
I have a lot to say, don't I? I know it. I don't hardly ever have anyone to talk to, so these blogs are good for me. It's good to get things out. No one has to read it. It's mostly for me. I do try to offer some encouragement towards the end. So that if you did read it, you could get some reward for sticking out to the end. Here's your reward:
Don't let your friends, don't let society, don't let anyone dictate what your life should look like. If you're like me and your passions are writing and investing in character driven/storytelling TV shows; both of which make you think and care and feel. Well, you're just as awesome as that woman who is the world's most perfect wife and mother. No one's better than you because they've been given "more" or given to differently than you. Don't forget that. Just be you. You'll either find someone that likes you for you, or you won't. I don't believe it's because you're "bad" or not cool or not hot enough. It's just the way the world goes. Ask God or whoever you meet when your life is over, why you never had someone. Maybe they'll have an answer. It sucks though, I know. It sucks more for that person who is like me and just knows that they would be a really great wife and mother. It sucks for someone like me who wants those things. Many people out there want to be single and play the field and have fun and not be tied down by anyone, including children. I'm not one of those people. But there's really nothing you can do about it. Just keep trying. You never know who you might meet out on this huge planet. And if you want to write one really long letter to that Canadian actress that you are completely head over heels for, then do it. What's it going to hurt? At least you tried. At least you wrote down your feelings and put them out there. If you never try you'll never know. Also. Be your own cheerleader. You don't need others to cheer you on. Tell yourself that you can do it. You can't force anyone to want to talk to you, or continue to get to know you, but you can always try initially. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on people. I think that second one is even harder for me. I'm still here, I'm still kicking, but after so long of not connecting with another human being for the sake of a would-be dating relationship, I start to completely give up on people. I've even given up trying to make new, close friends. I mean, if they're just going to get married and have kids and see me a couple times a year, what's the point of trying to find new ones that will just repeat the same cycle? I know this isn't the set of Friends. Living with or across the hallway and seeing your best friends every single day of your life is completely unrealistic... but that doesn't mean I don't wish that I could see my friends every week or every other at the very least. But that's not happening and it's ok. It is what it is. So, to end back again on the positive notes I was writing before that brief detour... chin up. Hang in there. It'll either happen or it won't happen. Just enjoy your life and see what comes a knocking!
 "What's true will be true. Our job is to deal with that truth."  Frankie, Community.

in the coming days...

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time there was a girl named Christie. She was a happy girl. But there was a hole in her heart. She was missing something. She had a cat named Mollie, who was her whole world. Her family. She had parents too, but she was a grown woman now. She wanted more than that. She wanted her own family. She wanted... she needed, love. True love. Love in the human form. Love that fairytales were made of. Love that transcended all meaning. Love that is everlasting. She looked and looked for 8 long years. But nothing. She had finally realized who she was and who she was meant to be with. It was not who she thought she was end up with. All her friends married boys. She grew up thinking she’d meet a boy in college or maybe shortly after. She dated two such boys in these capacities but they broke her heart. She mended it back, and then she realized who she was really meant to love…and it was not a boy. It was a girl. A woman. So she searched high and low for years. Stepping out of her comfort zone time and time again, but still finding nothing. No connection to anybody. She felt defeated and lost. She gave up. She continued to live her life the way she wanted and did things that made her happy, like taking trips and seeing her favorite artists, like her hero Kristin Chenoweth.

She had an upcoming trip to Niagara Falls, Canada. The first time she would be out of the country. She was nervous, but excited nervous. A part of her wanted to meet Ali Liebert, the well-known Canadian TV and Movie star, who she had fell in love with and who has played a lesbian on TV and movies more times than it seems someone who is actually straight, would do. She had written a story of the two of them. Their life together. It was in an alternate universe, since that is the only way something like this could happen. It’s the only way Ali would ever fall for her. Christie wrote an actual letter to the real Ali Liebert last summer. She tried to sound as normal as possible, despite the obvious attraction and feelings she had for her, that could make her sound crazy. What Christie didn’t know was, that there was a girl in Canada for her. And she was going to meet her on this trip. She would find her maybe in the hotel lobby at breakfast. Or maybe out on the streets of the city, or maybe on a tour of the Falls. This woman would be her soulmate. There would be an instant physical attraction, but that would only lead them to talk to each other and discover how much they had in common. How much they both love Lost Girl and Bomb Girls, and girls in general. She would be a confident lesbian. She had girlfriends in the past, but Christie’s zero experience in that area didn’t concern this girl at all. In fact she intrigued her. There was something about Christie that this girl just had to get to the bottom of. Had to know her. Had to know her deep down. They would share a kiss on this trip. Just a kiss. Ok maybe a little feel-up as well, she is a hot-blooded woman for crying out loud. She hadn’t been kissed in over 8 years and she was dying for that level on intimacy from someone who understood her and cared about her and generally wanted to know everything there is to know about her. She wanted someone who craves to know another human being. Someone who wants to take the time to listen and ask questions, but who also is willing to share herself in that way too. To share her life with Christie. What has happened, who she is and where she plans on going. They talked for hours and when her vacation was over, they exchanged information, phone numbers/emails. They would see each other again. Real soon. It wasn’t goodbye forever. They were going to be in each other’s lives for a very very long time.

I am Christie. I am the author of this story. I am writing it into existence. Because sometimes life can imitate fiction. All the movies out there “Based on a true story” prove this. All those things happened, and they were good enough to make into a movie. My story could be made into a movie. Sure little things change here and there when you make a movie, but in the end, the big moments, the big picture, that doesn’t change. That is the heart of the story, why it was made into a movie in the first place. And the heart of my story is meeting someone that will change my life. That comes in and shows me that I can be loved in that way. I am pretty enough to be desired by another real, live human being. That I deserve intimacy from another human. Real intimacy. Intimacy in the emotional sense but also paired with the physical sense. That these desires and longings aren’t fiction. They aren’t fairytales that don’t come true. They are the non-fiction stories, they are the “based on true events” movie scripts. Why would I subconsciously choose to write all those letters starting when I was 16, to a future “husband” (turned future “love” and then turned future wife)? Why would I even write those and seal them away in a taped up shoe box years ago, if I wasn’t supposed to give them to anyone? I’ve been tempted over the years to open them up and read them, but I won’t. I can’t. They are not meant for me. I don’t even want to be tempted. I keep the original taped up box at my parents house. I have a newer one at mine, from the last 5 years or so. It’s been a long time since I’ve written one, but it doesn’t mean I won’t write more. I’m afraid if I had the box opened and not taped up, I would tear them all in pieces in a moment of complete and utter desperation and loneliness. When I’ve hit rock bottom and couldn’t stand one more minute of that isolation and despair. Those letters contain my deepest desires, but they also contain who I was at different stages of my life. They contain what I was feeling at age 16, or 21, or 30. They contain the deepest parts of me and show that no matter how I’ve grown or changed and learned and developed over the years, into a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and that she is worthy of love, one thing remains the same. The desire. The longing. The need to be held and kissed and loved fully by another being on this planet. Not that she would be perfect, or that I would be perfect. I don’t expect that. Just love. Just a willingness to try and work on us and ourselves individually. To not give up. To not enter commitment lightly, to be sure. To love when it feels impossible. I realize I can’t control what another person does. I can’t control that. I can only control me. But I won’t give up without a fight.

And Christie didn’t give up without a fight. She went into this trip to Canada, a magical place where the country anthem is “friendliness,” with her head held high. She was open and responsive to those around her. She would never give up. She would always try. She couldn’t control the story, but it’s always fun to try and pretend you can. Like it’s a script for a movie. A storyline for a show. The tagline reads: “Christie, a 30 something single woman finds love, in the most unbelievable of places…right in front of her face.”