I think what I struggle most with, is this idea of a "normal life." I feel like a normal life is having the American dream. It's what's portrayed in almost every single commercial on TV. It's all over Facebook from every single friend I've made in the past 34 and 3/4 years. It's in every church I've been to. It's the (not idea) but actual reality of a guy and a girl getting married, buying a house, and having 2.5 children (at least) and the .5 being a dog or maybe cat, but more likely a dog. And I have absolutely none of that and probably never will. If I'm being honest, I don't want the guy. I kinda want a dog but because I have Mollie, I don't see that happening, because she would not have it and dogs are far more work than cats, and my day job is exhausting enough as it is. And I don't even want the house, not the house you pay a 30 year mortgage on, at least.. I have a house. It's a duplex. I rent it and it's perfect for me. I don't have to fix a damn thing, and I love that. And I don't want a kid by myself, so what am I really complaining about? I just debunked all the things on the list of a "normal life." It's almost like I want to BE the person that has all those things, that could have those things, instead of the real me. That's so messed up. I can't be anybody but me. I don't want to change who I am, but yet I guess I do, in a way. It's very confusing. I would give anything to be in love and to be loved in return and from that love together we make this baby that is half me and half who I am sharing that life with. But none of this seems possible anymore and thanks to a recent episode of The Mindy Project, I realize now that I should've frozen my eggs in my 20s. But A) who has the money for that? And B) It didn't occur to me that I wouldn't meet a guy in my 20s until I was out of my 20s. And then I realized I only wanted what all my girlfriends had, but what I really wanted, who I was really attracted to and desired and felt whole with, was the opposite of a guy. And now I'm about to turn 35 and after 35 apparently any pregnancy is considered "geriatric" and I'm basically carrying around hollowed out, wispy ghost eggs. It sucks. It really does. I do enjoy my quiet life of no screaming, no tantrums, no poopy diapers, no vomit to clean up. I enjoy that IMMENSELY. But when I grow old, who will visit me? No one. I mean I hope my best friends kids will, but this will only happen if my bestie lets me live in a room in her house, which I really hope she does, not just because I don't want to be alone, but also I'm not too sure how much money I'll have by then. I mean social security might be 12 bucks a month at the rate it's going. I have SO much money taken out for taxes and social security every single paycheck. I literally don't reap any of the benefits from it. I mean I drive on pot hole roads every single day, wrecking my sad excuse for a car, so I don't even get my money used for that. And every thing else goes to kids (schools), or services for the low income families. Don't even get me started on all that. But that's not the point anyway. Sometimes I kind of hope I don't live to that old age. That after retirement age. I mean it's one thing if I have the money to enjoy it, but I don't really see that happening. But to combine having nothing, no job anymore, with being all alone with no one to share my life with! Geez. It can't get any more depressing than that.
I think I desperately watch shows with strong single female characters, to catch a glimpse of someone who isn't married, who doesn't have children. To say, look how awesome she is! I'm her! But of course if the show makes it 6 seasons or more, they can't keep that girl single forever. She'll marry off. She'll have kids. Unless you're Robin from How I met your mother. She never had kids and she didn't get with Ted until they were old and his wife had already died. God. I don't want to wait that long. That's ridiculous. But that's just a show. But in the real world it still seems like everyone gets married and has kids. I'm not making it up. Of course it's not literally every single person on the planet, but it's enough for it to be the majority. At least the majority in my world and in the world that I see; in my view.
What's so great about being 'normal' anyway, right? Normal's boring. Normal's everyday. Normal is like people marching in line wearing gray linen clothing and I'm wearing bright orange pleather, and I'm wearing a sheep's mask on my face and skipping the opposite direction as them. I'm literally skipping through them. Why a sheep's mask? I don't know. Cuz sheep are followers and I'm making fun of them... or maybe I got the idea from a character on Orphan Black. Whatever the case, I'm having more fun than them, right? Fun is subjective. "Easier" is also subjective. I guess there's good and bad to every side. I try to always portray both sides in my writings. I play devil's advocate. I don't want to just be negative, even if I feel like it. All 2 of my readers would stop reading, if I was only negative. So I always try to offer hope. But I'm not going to lie that it isn't difficult to see the bright side. I'm still convinced that normal=good and normal=family. I still have no clue how to even begin to live on that side of the tracks. I will always be different. I will always be unique. I don't need to be exactly like everyone else, but that doesn't mean I don't want what everyone else has. I don't want it because they have it. I want it because it is who I am. I wouldn't be writing an epic love story of over 140 pages and counting, if all I really wanted was to be single and childless forever. I have no idea how to attain something like that, but at least I know what I want. I want a wife, I want a child. How that child gets here is unclear. How I will ever find a woman that loves me for me, and stays, I have no idea. But I know it's what I want. I know it's who I was meant to be. I'm not here just to help other people's babies. I'm not here just to go through life barely connecting with anyone and acting like that's ok. Like that's not a big deal, to barely know people. It's not what I want. But I also can't make another person care about me. I can't make them hang out with me, or return my texts, or look for me at all out in the world. I guess I am normal. I'm too normal. I don't stand out I guess. I think I'm a fun person, though. I make a difference in the lives of others, I know I do. I think I'm funny. I'm a good writer. I know how to make people feel trusted and cared about and comfortable with. Maybe that's not enough. Or maybe everyone is too scared, like me, to even look to see if a person like that exists...at least as of late.
