So I’m staying the night in a really cool and hip hotel
downtown…or downtown adjacent. You can see the entire skyline from the rooftop
pool. It’s a late birthday “getaway.” It’s only about 20 minutes from my
house, but it was by far the coolest hotel I could find in the city. There’s a pool table
and a piano in the lobby both painted in a colorful way. The room has dark
cement floors that look a little messed up on purpose. There’s really high
cement ceilings lined with big ‘ol pipes, like you’re in some kind of factory.
I’m sitting in a purple armchair with a matching footstool, and it’s velvety
soft. Behind me is a brick wall, made to look like it was sloppily thrown
together. You know hipsters, they don’t want to look like their “trying.” I love
it. My bed is on some kind of light colored wooden posts. Unique lamps hang in corners and creative
art on walls. I feel cool just staying here. Plus I discovered it was across
the street from my favorite local coffee shop. So I got to head over for a
lemon bar and to listen to some random guy with a very large bowtie and the
beginnings of handlebar mustache, play acoustic guitar. I relaxed in the
rooftop pool when I first got here this afternoon. It wasn’t too too crowded, I
got a little space to myself in the quite small pool. But it was one of those
infinity pools, looks like it just drops off the 6th floor building.
When the sun was setting and before I headed over to hear some live music, I
wanted to stop by real quick and see the sun set from on top. I walk out of the
elevators to see a very packed, very dressed up (of course this means to me, just
people wearing normal outfits people go out in for drinks) crowd in the bar and pool area. I
quickly turned around as the sun was blinding me and I was in faded shorts and
my Daenerys wearing hipster glasses T-shirt that says “Babies are too
mainstream. I will mother dragons instead.” It’s my favorite shirt. I literally
have worn it 10 times having had it a month now. (If you don’t know who that
is, she’s the best character ever portrayed on a TV show…and that show would be
Game of Thrones.
So tonight I wanted to go back out briefly to see the
skyline all lit up in the night sky, knowing it would be even more packed than it
was when I was there earlier, just before 8pm. I walk out, in a different T-shirt, but still my faded
purple shorts I brought, because I didn’t want to pack real clothes, and this
time there were definitely more people, but I noticed right away there were
lots of lesbians. Some dressed up, some more casual, I still was probably the
most casual, but it’s not like I knew there was some kind of lesbian hangout
going on a top of the hotel I was staying in. Of course it’s a bar too…and open
to the public. I walked around the outskirts so I could be on the side up against the railing
to get some pics. I looked like a tourist, the only one taking pictures, but
whatever, it was my only chance to get night pictures with all the city lights.
I felt very unsure and very out of place. At first I reprimanded myself for
acting that way. I tried to walk with more confidence. But it’s the setting
I’m not comfortable with. It’s the amount of people. It’s the fact that I was
alone. If I was with a group of friends or a date it would be easy as pie. I
was the only person that was there alone, from what I could tell. I only felt
bad about it for a second. Then I was like, ya know what? I’m not gonna
beat myself up about it. The old Christie was insecure and didn’t have
confidence in who she was; didn’t know how to look at girls or how to present
herself. It was all so new to me back then. But now, I may not be a pro, not even a
little bit, but I di know who I am. I’m ok staring a little and checking out
girls. Hey guys do it. I’m not creepy, but I’m not going to look at the ground
or be scared by the whole situation, like I have in the past. But I’m also not going to feel bad that I
really hate being in groups like that. Groups set in bars or clubs, where
everyone’s drinking and it’s loud or there’s loud music. It wasn’t really loud
at this particular setting, maybe because it was outside, up high. I’m not
gonna apologize or beat myself up because I don’t like being in groups like
that, all alone. That’s not me. It’s never going to be me. Had someone talked
to me, sure I would talk back and try to find commonalities and have a normal
conversation. But being alone in a place where everyone was with someone to
begin with, even just friends, it’s not like I can just interrupt a
conversation between 2 people possible connecting. I’m ok that I’m not that
person that can just do that. I used to think I needed to change. But I am who I
am and I like being shy. I’m not 100% shy. You did read my cuddle party blog
from last Saturday night, did you not? I didn’t know a soul AND I participated.
I participated big time. I do better in small groups or one on one, which is
the best situation. And I’m ok with that. I’m ok that that is me, and not some
girl that can break into a group of drinking people and strike up a
conversation. For the first time I don’t feel like I need to change in order to
feel like I’m “trying.” And that’s a big deal. Go me. I’m cool. I’m staying in
a cool hotel by myself because I can. And only cool people are not afraid to do
things alone, ANY THING, and not feel like they need to always have a buddy.
I’m proud of myself for going up there knowing it would be packed with people.
I’m glad I’m not afraid to be who I am and not feel like I need to be “braver,”
in a certain way. Because I am hella brave. I am brave heart. Haha. Ok not
braveheart. But I am brave. I do brave things all the time. Now it’s your turn.
Go be brave.
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