reading and writing but never arithmetic

 

I'm kind of ashamed to admit I don't read much as an adult. I think if you call yourself a writer, you really should be reading other people's writings as well. You should be an avid reader. It's almost like you should be training yourself as to "how to write appropriately" (as if following the way someone else writes, is the way to go). But I read so many books as a kid, that maybe it makes up for it somehow. I used to win "lunch with a teacher" at school (which I don't think would be that much of a prize to kids nowadays, they'd probably rather win "Tablet time" or something electronic-based) for reading the most books in class. I remember my name being on the chalkboard a lot, at the top. I much rather read than talk about whatever kids were into at my age. I was shy too, so there was that. I don't really see myself as shy today, but more so averse to socially interacting with most adults I come across. It's not that I see myself as "better" than someone else, please don't think that. I just don't connect. I don't like small talk. I like to talk about things most people have no interest in talking about, or they would find it to be kinda sad that I cared so much about it to begin with; that I clearly have no life if THAT is what I want to talk about.  But reading was my escape as a kid. I could live in a world that was magical and wonderful. I could even live in a world that was sad and challenging. It didn't matter what the world; I didn't have to talk in it and that was a relief. I continued to read into college, but it lessened greatly due to the fact that I had so much more to read that was required of me and involved entire textbooks. I don’t remember reading anything in college that I enjoyed, at least class-wise. In my personal time I remember reading an amazing book called Redeeming Love. I don’t know what I would think of it if I were to read it now, but at the time, it was the best book I had ever read. Then the Harry Potter series came out and my boyfriend at the time got me hooked on those and that carried me past college along with other books like The Secret Life of Bees and The Lovely Bones, both chilling and sad but beautifully well written. I’m sure there are so many more out there, but it takes a lot to interest me to even crack open the book to read the first page and even more to keep me reading till the end of the book. The Hunger Game Series was the last to do that for me. That series, to me, was even better than Harry Potter, and I thought I’d never say that. So I was surprised when I found myself wandering the book section at Target last night and even more surprised that I took home a book. The title jumped at me, though. The Opposite of Loneliness. It’s a collection of essays and stories, written by a Yale college student, who died tragically 5 days after graduation. That last part is sad, but not why I wanted to read it. I haven’t read much of it yet, but I can tell she writes honestly and with unabashed truth, and that’s exactly how I like it. And how I write too. In the long run, I don’t know how much about what she writes, I will relate to, since I’m not 21 but I always appreciate women who write the truth and not what they think you want to hear. The writer, Marina opens with “We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life.” She’s writing this essay as she is leaving college to go out into the world and she’s scared of losing “this elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness.” Which she is referring to as college life. I completely get that. Like 100%. There will never be a time in my life again where I will have 30 friends or however many I had at the time. There will never again be a time where everyone else is in the exact same stage of life as I am, the same age as I am, and live about 5 feet from where I live. College is an amazing once-in-a-lifetime, time. She also speaks to her fellow students reminding them “…that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating from college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have.” Although what I find comical is that college students need a pep-talk to remind them “it’s not too late,” because c’mon, they’re 21. They have so much time to figure it out…except sadly some, like the author, did not. But it seems to me she figured it out a lot sooner than most. But generally speaking, 21-year olds have so much time. They have time to figure out what they want to do, who they are going to be. They have time to try new things and live wherever they want. They aren’t tied down to a family yet, and they don’t need to be truly responsible adults quite yet (at least not completely). You can make mistakes and everyone will be like, “Eh, you’re young.” I see her message as more for someone much older than herself and her Yale peers. At any age you can change your mind, start over, try something new. It’s a lot harder the older you are, logistically, financially, time-wise, energy-wise. You have responsibilities and a sense of settling down, which may hinder this process, but it doesn’t have to kill it. Hard work and determination are the 2 key elements to anything you want to accomplish. Most people, correction- ALL people struggle with both of those at some point in their lives. In school I had both of those qualities because let’s face it, you had no choice. At least I didn’t, in my mind. I couldn’t be a 20-year-old still trying to graduate high school, or spend more than 4 years in college because the cost is astronomical and I was the one that would have to pay it all back. 4 years was plenty. I switched degrees half-way through and lost a lot of credits but I worked hard and had full schedules and still graduated in 4 years. And even with an equivalent to an “A” in my degree (but not overall thanks to those early classes that no longer counted). Of course grades don’t matter in the real world, only the degree does. You have to work hard and be determined in the job which pays you to live on your own and enjoy the little things in life. But without all those pressures I just mentioned, it is definitely difficult to accomplish anything else. If I was paying 20k a year and had 4-years to find a spouse, would I work a little harder at finding someone? Or worse, settle for just anyone? If I was being paid a salary to write a book or I’d get fired, would it push me to finish it quicker? Or would it be sub-par because I felt rushed and pressured to make it perfect? I know I move slow-paced, but I’m kind of okay with that. I can waste entire days all by myself watching a brilliantly written TV show but it doesn’t feel wasted to me. And I always throw in other stuff too, like laundry, cleaning, as well as other creative outlets like writing or scrapbooking. It’s rarely just ONE thing. And of course I also spend time giving Mollie lots of love and attention, whether she wants it or not. I often don’t even realize I haven’t talked to anyone, or seen anyone. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I know they can’t or don’t have time for me, so why even bother? And trying to seek out new friends and make new connections is so daunting it makes me want to faint with boredom. But I suppose the day will come again when I give it the ‘ol college try. And then another year will pass and everything will remain exactly the same as it is in this very moment…as it always does.

I am grateful though, that my words can haunt the internet. So many others do as well, so it’s not to say that it is actually an honor to do so, but I know that more than one person reads my blog, and that’s enough for me…for now. Maybe one day I will see my words on the pages of a book on the shelf of Barnes and Nobles, or maybe spoken by an actress on the big screen. But if neither of those things happen, I will survive. I will continue to write. I’ll never give up writing just because it’s not reaching the multitudes. I will continue to write raw and real. I will continue to call myself a writer. I think the best writers are those who aren’t ashamed to write how they feel. They aren’t ashamed to reveal themselves personally because there is always someone else out there that feels the same exact way and thinks they are alone in feeling so, but they aren’t. I write for myself, but I also write for you too. Here’s to you…and to me.