I turn 35 one month from today. And it feels like I'm walking down that long hallway to the electrocution chair... or something less over-dramatic than that. I swear, if I didn't have celebrities I admired that were my age or older and still single and still childless, I wouldn't be able to take it. Because in MY world, you are married with kids by now. Practically every single friend I made in my entire lifetime already has both of those things, and it's not fair, I'm not gonna lie. What is it about them that they get to have their dreams come true and not me? I already know that I'm awesome and a decent human being who helps babies and who pays her taxes and follows the law and is kind to others and all that bullshit. So what is it exactly? There's not a reason, that's the point. Granted 40 will be worse than 35, but 35 means I have to check a new box on all the forms in the world.. It's been "29- 34" before now. That's not a big deal, though. If I was married with a kid I wouldn't care what age I was. Age wouldn't matter. But age does matter if you want to have a baby yourself. Starting now it will be a "geriatric pregnancy." That's a real term. 35 and up is a very risky pregnancy. Not to mention it may be too expensive and too impossible to even get pregnant in the first place. Not that I want all that, without a partner. It'll be just Mollie and me, if I never get married. I don't have the funds or time or energy or help, to raise a kid on my own. At least not voluntarily. You can't help what happens after you already have one. So thus, turning 35 sucks. I don't even have friends to celebrate it with, so what does it matter anyway, really? Maybe I'll get lucky and get to go to lunch with a friend, but lunch with a friend is what you do on any 'ol day. I don't see what's really special about that. I'm taking my Mom to a musical the night of my birthday (our birthday). It's her birthday too, so I bought both of the tickets. I really want to see it, and I don't want to go alone. But my Mom is the one who first introduced Carole King's music to me, so it makes sense that we go see the musical based on her life, together. It will be fantastic music I'm sure. And then there's the new season on Orange is the New black. It comes out on Netflix, on my actual birthday, so that will be fun to binge and just forget it's my birthday all together. Other than that, it will be just like any other birthday for the past several years. Boring and lonely. I'll buy myself flowers, I'll treat myself to a massage or a float. But I actually get a massage every month and have been to the float spa many times, so it's not really that special. And treating yourself and buying yourself things for your own birthday, isn't that fun to do anyway. I would say "maybe this will be the start of the best year of my life." Or "the year I will finally meet someone." But history shows that that's not true. And that it only brings disappointment and sadness. Because it never happens. I've thought that way and wished on too many candles to count over the years that I would meet the love of my life, but it hasn't happened. And it's hard to have faith that it ever will.
I just signed my lease again. I've been at this house for 5 years now. It's the longest I've ever stayed anywhere, besides the home I grew up in of course. I signed it a few months early. I know I'm not going anywhere. I love my house, but clearly I'm not going to meet anybody in Dallas. But I can't leave just yet. I don't know where I'd go anyway. I have some ideas, but the cost of living is so high there, I don't know that I could do it. And I don't see how the move WOULDN'T kill Mollie, so I'm not ready for that to be a factor either. I'll have to read up on giving cats sleeping pills and if that can be combined with a flight, and if she can stay in a carrier in my lap...and many other questions. This is the only home she knows. Dogs are much easier to move. They love the car. Mollie acts like she's going to die when she's in a car... even for a 5 minute ride. But anyway, that's neither here nor there, at this time. What's important is that there's no stopping time. You keep going and you keep aging and the only alternative is not being here, and I don't want that either.
I'll either get married or I won't. I'll either have a child of my own or adopt, or I won't. There's nothing you can do about it. It either happens or it doesn't. I'll just keep doing my best and just keep living and maybe one day something will change. Maybe one day someone will come into my life and change it. Maybe one day I can give all those letters I started writing when I was 16 to "whoever I marry," to an actual real person. Wouldn't that be nice?? I can't even remember what I wrote in them. I sealed them up and taped up the shoe box when it was full. And I have a new 2nd box that's not full yet. But I always seal up each letter in an envelope because I don't want to be tempted to re-read them. I want to be just as surprised as she is, when I read them with the love of my life one day. Together we'll laugh and laugh, I'm sure. I know the first letter and the only one I wrote in high school, was inspired by the movie Dirty Dancing. It went something like "I want to dance with you like Baby danced with whatever his name is." To be honest I was more taken with Baby and her curly hair and innocent nature and extremely caring personality, than Patrick Swayze. Not that I realized it at the time... clue #1. haha. It would be nice if all those letters didn't go to waste. I hope not. I am dying to read them and laugh and cry over them, with the girl that decided she WANTS to spend the rest of her life with me. That would be beyond awesome. And what would be even more awesome than that, is if that happens this birthday year. So hurry up out there. Get on the move to me. Or draw me to you, either way I'm good. I don't want to have to write any more letters... well, not any more without being able to put a real person's name on them. I will never stop writing letters. Writing is everything. It's how I explain myself and my thoughts and feelings. So, see you before my next birthday. Ok?
*oh and if you were waiting for the theme song to Punky Brewster and didn't know why you hadn't seen it yet... well I just thought of it at the very end. The lyrics popped into my head and made me think about the girl I'm going to marry. (not Punky Brewster, of course)
"Maybe the world is blind, or just a little unkind, don't know. Seems you can't be sure, of anything anymore. Although you maybe lonely and then One day you're smilin' again. Every time I turn around I see the girl that turns my world around Standing there. Everytime I turn around, Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground What's gonna be? Guess we'll just wait and see."
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