the art of letting go

I say that as a jest. I do not know the real art of letting go. I'm sure there are people out there that do, or think they do, and write books about it, but those are probably the people I've never listened to or refused to hear, because everyone's experience is different. Everyone's timing is different. Some people never accept something, or fool themselves, trick themselves into thinking they've accepted something, or let go of something. I think letting go is a daily thing sometimes. Or you might let something go, like a remark of a coworker and never think about it again. But I think in that case, the comment probably didn't sting that bad in the first place.
I'm no expert in letting go. It's taken me years to "get over" hurts and feelings of "there must be something wrong with me, or I'm not good enough," from losing the only 2 romantic loves of my life. Especially since at one point they both wanted to marry me and told me so...a lot (no not at the same time, c'mon). But I'm definitely past all that and over them, they were never the right one for me, and I can definitely see and feel that, for real now.
But the thing I could never let go of was this: "I have to get married and have kids in order to be truly happy and fulfilled." I think it's a wonderful thing to want that and desire it and hope for it, but it was literally killing me with unhappiness every time someone else got to that point before me, especially with marriage. I literally can't count how many friends have gotten married now. I'm not exaggerating when I say all of the friends from Baylor and almost all of the friends I made in childhood and after college. With the exception of some I have no idea what they are up to now...
So this bothered the crap out of me. I tried my best (which sometimes was not at all good enough) to be happy for them, but it just made me more aware that I don't have it, and that again, there is something wrong with me because I don't. At least before, we were 2 single gals both wanting to find love, so I wasn't alone in it. It was like losing love all over again. In a different way, but still. Things are never the same in friendships after marriages. Not that they can't continue at all, but they are definitely not the same. Time spent together is cut down drastically. But anyways, enough on that.
For so long I was letting this one tiny aspect of my life (and yes in the grand scheme of life, whether or not you get married and have kids, is tiny). Who you are as a person, deep down, your heart, how you live your life, what you do with your time here to help others, whether or not you are thinking of eternity and what happens after you die, your beliefs, your morals, all those things are the BIG picture. They ARE the grand scheme of life. I honestly didn't think that the love in my life that I had, in the form of friends, family, my godsons and others was enough. It wasn't everyday love, right in front of my eyes, laying in bed with me, or in their bunk bed in the next room, like my friends had, in the form of their husbands and children. So I clung to this idea that my happiness depended on it happening, like a leech to a leg. And like a leech to a leg, it sucked my blood dry. It's exhausting being unhappy. It's a real bummer and serves no purpose and obviously doesn't make you feel good, so one day last week I decided to let it all go: The idea that marriage + kids= true happiness, the being unhappy most the time part of my life, the trying and searching for "the one" at any event or group or meeting or whatever. I also let go of the idea of "who" this person could be, if they do exist. And by that I mean, gender- male or female. Now I know most people can't do this. I'm not at all saying it's a choice, because it's not. I just think some people like me see the emotional connection they find in a person that draws them together, and not gender or looks or physical stuff. I definitely fell in love with the personalities and connection I found, with the 2 guys I dated. I became attracted to them after we started dating actually. Friends first is always a good way to do things, for me at least. So, I'm open. For me, either way can work, if it's the right person for me. Who they are deep down, and how they treat me and what we have in common and all that real stuff, is what really matters. If you want to label me, call me bi. I don't like labels. People are not who they are by race or gender or sexuality. They are who they are by how they show you their true colors. I wish people would say there's Christie, she's caring. There's Bob, he's loyal. Maybe Bob's gay too, but who cares? It doesn't need to define you, be the only thing people see. 
I don't think I made a decision to let go of all that was making me want to define myself. I so much want to be defined as "wife" and "mother." but again, it's not saying anything about my gifts, my personality. marriage is a piece of paper and mother means you birthed a baby. I'm so not trying to trivialize  those things. they are VERY important and should be taken seriously, I just mean it's not everything that you are.  loving and patient, could be 2 words used to equal the titles wife and mother. But I'm getting off track here...back to me. I can't tell anybody how to let something go, what steps to take, what potion to drink. I would say it was a decision, but it really wasn't. It just sort of came into my head, or better yet, it just became me. It was like a part of me was locked until now. I wasn't willing to unlock it or maybe didn't know where the key was, or where it even was in me to unlock it! But I found it finally, even though I wasn't searching for it. I'm grateful I finally found it or was opened up to it. People were telling me for years-stop searching for love and it will find you. To me they were saying- stop being who you are and caring about getting married and stop wanting to be loved fully by another human being. That's what I was hearing. But I can still WANT this and HOPE for this, but not see it as the end all to life. Maybe it's too many "happily ever after" endings to Disney movies I saw. It brainwashed me. I don't know. But even though I knew married life still has challenges and probably more so, with another person living with you every day never leaving and breathing on you when you just want to be left alone, I still wanted that more than anything (still do), the difference is, I'm okay being single now. Not in a hipster cool "I'm just too awesome to be in a relationship" "I don't need anyone", or fake "sure I'm okay with it, whatever." I truly mean it this time. My life is awesome without being married, without "The one." I'm going to continue to have an awesome life and have fun and do all the things I enjoy. These don't include bars, clubs, group events at places or activities that I have no interest in, and online. I don't feel like I'm limiting myself. I need to not be in a searching mode anymore, or a wondering one either. Wondering and worrying and asking why, always lead to my unhappiness. I'm not going anywhere with it in mind that "maybe the one will be there!" I'll say, maybe I'll make a new friend! maybe not. But you can never have too many friends. You can have too many marriages, I think! haha. I just want the one ;o)