Does the word "complacent" really have to be such a bad word? Sure I don't want to set goals and accomplish them. Probably mostly because I'm afraid to fail, and goals feel like I'm being set up to fail. Sure I can make to-do lists till the cows come home and accomplish everything on them, off the notes section on my iphone, but as far big life changing goals, nah, I'm good. I feel content. I feel fine. I'm not over the top happy with my life, but I'm not down in the dumps sad either. I'm neutral on the topic of how my life is going. I definitely have really happy moments while engaging with a friend, seeing a movie, going to a convert, discovering a new show that I can't wait to see the next episode of. And I can certainly get very sad when marital love or friends babies are shoved into my face- 'look at me! look at me! look what I have!' (they yell metaphorically). When face to face with it I try so hard to smile and put enthusiasm in my voice, hopefully I'm believable. A part of me is happy for them. I want my friends to be happy and get everything they want; but I also want that for myself too! And why do they keep getting these important human beings in their life, and I don't? People tell me it's because I'm "looking" and I need to stop looking and love will find me. I don't think staying home all the time counts as "looking for someone." And people say I don't put out the positive energy that attracts someone. And to that I say- bull honkey. People meet "the one" everyday and they aren't in some magical, happy, unicorn rainbow place. And changing your energy 24/7 isn't as easy as you think. All I can do is try. I'm not a magician. I can't just wave a wand and make myself attractable. I'm doing the best that I can. And what about the days I am confident and put out great, positive energy? Why doesn't anyone come into my life then? On that particular day? What about the night I went to Eden lounge? I was happy and smiling and laughing with my friends. I was putting out good energy, and no one came over to talk to me. I wasn't even going there with it in mind that I was going to meet someone real, I just wanted to see the vibe of the place, but isn't that when something is supposed to happen? When you least expect it? when you don't go in with intentions? I love proving everyone wrong. People who have someone just LOVE to say- oh I met my husband when I wasn't looking. bull crap. what about the 364 other days you "were not looking?" why didn't he show on those days? and if he never did, then would you be saying what you are saying now? No, you most certainly would not. You would be groaning, saying why isn't he here yet? But you didn't have to wait 32 years for someone, and counting. You didn't have to go 7 years without having someone love you and kiss you and want to be in your life all the time and just can't wait to talk to you again. At least I have Mollie, I always say. And thank God. I think I would be in a constant state of my body dying from lack of physical touch, if I didn't have her. Kissing her and petting her every day does take some of the edge off. it's not perfect. it's not enough and it's certainly not the same as a human being holding you and hugging you and kissing you and holding your hand while you walk the streets, but it is better than living in a cave with no human interaction.
I have to constantly keep my mind in check. I have to constantly keep myself from going into a too dark on place, wondering why I'm still alone, trying not to think about the last time I was kissed. It feels like a million years ago. It might as well be. Companionship, physical intimacy are more important than you may realize. They better not be taken for granted by you married people. Things don't have to be spicy hot 24/7, that's unrealistic, but a touch by someone that loves you and has chosen you, it's life blood to me. It's water, it's air and it's bread. It's why old people die shortly after their spouse of 60 years dies. I can't imagine having something that long and then have it ripped from your life. I had it a teeny tiny fraction of that and I can barely live without it. I'm not talking about sex here. For guys, they probably would say that, that they couldn't live without it. But I'm talking about a long embrace, being held in bed in the arms of the one you love, being kissed like your life depended on it. That other stuff is awesome too, but I would give up sex if I could have all that other stuff in excess. Which all that stuff would lead to sex, so I don't know why one would need to give that part up...but anyways ;o)
Singleness can only be a gift for so long. It can't be one forever. We are meant for human companionship. I think those that don't desire it or are "fine" being alone, I think those are the people with issues. Those are the people that needs some help. Something is definitely wrong with them. We are not meant to be alone. They must have commitment or intimacy issues. I most certainly do not! If the trust and love is there, man, here you go! here's all of me! I read people really well, I think, so I don't think I'd get taken advantage of in that way. I'm careful who I choose. I observe people way too much, I'm a wallflower by nature, so if I'm not feeling it, or something's "off" with you, I will stay away (potential relationship wise).
I don't think anyone "deserves" someone. No one is perfect. Some people do more good than others, but that do gooder is probably the one without someone, and the person who is just okay, (a decent person), is probably the one that has been with the same person for 20 years. Everything is random. I'm not sure I know what part God plays. He doesn't make sense 99% of the time, so I can't say one way or the other. When a miracle happens, or someone finds the one and it's perfect and right; when someone's cancer is cured, was it God? or was it just the way the cards fell? Because what if that child with cancer died and that person that is perfect for you gets in a car wreck the day before your wedding...what then? was that God too? There's not answers to everything. I don't think there's answers to ANYTHING. Like the facts of life song says- "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life." Everything is so random. With that said, I like to believe in signs. When something so random and tangible, a little object that represents something to me, falls into my lap out of the blue in a near impossible way, I like to believe that means something. I think I only have one instance of which that this was true for me, but it was enough to believe. There have been many signs out there, in the way of things falling into place or things happening perfectly, that lets me know I was on the right path- "arrow signs" we'll call them. But when it comes to "tangible object" signs, well, those are much harder to come by and I think mean a lot more, because they are like seeing a camel in the ocean...just so out of place.
When I was camping in Colorado, back in 2006, I was out in the grass, sort of near a river bank. Far from the city, out in the country of Colorado. Anyways, so I was walking in this shin high grass and I notice something on the ground. it was a tiny white bound book. It was glued together at the binder, but had no cover. it was really tiny, less than 2 inches long, no lines, just blank white paper. For one thing, I had never seen a bound book that small, didn't know why they would make such a thing, and for another, why was it out in the grass like that? Far from people? Nothing was torn from it. nothing was written in it. It was like it was a story book with an unwritten story. it was going to be a small story, probably, but an important one. There were a lot of pages in it, for such a tiny book. So that same day I met the guy I ended up dating and almost married. It was a short lived relationship, small like the book, but it needed all those pages, it was fat in content, because we spent every day together and so much happened in such a short amount of time. That blank, tiny story book, had it's story. The amount of time he was in my life was small...but the impact was fat. there was a lot of meat to that whole relationship. When I found that book I knew it meant a new story was going to begin in my life, I just had no idea it was going to be my 2nd relationship of my life and one that would be so intense. I wrote "the rest is still unwritten" on the cover. As that Natashia Beddingfield song was quite popular at that time in 2006. Bare with me, I'm almost done.
So, 3 new "tangible object" signs have emerged in my life. One is a plastic heart ring that appeared under my trashcan in my front yard, that was brought in by a bird or cat, because it wasn't there before. And then I found a Barbie shoe- a clear high heeled slipper, like Cinderella's glass slipper, and this was out behind a pig statue at a local pizza restaurant, and if I had not gone to take pictures behind it, I wouldn't have seen it. And then today a little plastic, ACTUAL Cinderella! Those last two came just a couple weeks apart. And yes I want to fall in love, and yes I am taking these 3 things as signs that love is coming, but why is Cinderella important? Well, before these 2 recent objects, I started reading this book- "Same sex in the city (so your prince charming is really a Cinderella). It has helped me tremendously understand everything that I've been going through and processing this last year. Hearing everyone's stories on relevant topics like: path to self realization, the first time, coming out, heartbreak and more, it just makes me feel good knowing that everyone's story is different and everyone's path is different and it takes as long as it takes. It helps me not feel rushed. It's only been a little over a year since I realized this about myself. I didn't see the clues in childhood or college. But that's ok, I know now. I'm ready now. I want this and I feel good about it and extremely excited about it. When I finally have a girl that I love spending time with, I know I'll disappear for awhile...into that new and exciting relationship. As it should be. But I definitely won't forget my friends. In fact I'll want to hang out more, now that it's finally my turn to talk about how great my life is and how awesome my girlfriend is. Can't wait for that ;o) Life is funny. Funny weird. It doesn't make any sense, ever, but I am grateful to have it. Life. Losing 2 people in my entertainment world recently was hard. Not because I knew them personally, but because they were in my world practically every day in some shape or form and not only was I used to it, but they made me happy with the gifts and talents they brought to the world. But we can't live in this world forever. We all have an expiration date. I hope mine is a long long time from now. I have so much love I want to give my future "love of my life". So much love I want to give my very own kids. I currently give love to other important people in my life and other important kiddos in my life, but it's not the same. Because these people would belong to me. Not in a selfish, slavish, ownership way, I just mean that we would be each others "most important people in world," top of the list people. #1 "in case of emergency," same last name, people. When that person cries out at night or has happy news to share, I would be the first to know, I wouldn't find out a week later or whenever the next time I saw them. I would be needed in a way no one else can provide for me. I will be a wife and a mother. Huge responsibilities, but HUGE amount of love...infinity of love. And that is a life worth waiting for.
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