I love a life where you get to do what you want... within reason of course. I know my limits. I know what I "can" do based on what my life looks like right now, what I am capable of. For instance I can't up and go to Hawaii for a week, or I can't spend the day in bed with someone who loves me physically as well as emotionally. But what I can do is binge watch shows (this weekend it's bomb girls), and fall in love with Betty, the brassy, opinionated girl with a tender, caring, loving heart for Kate. So what if it's just fiction. That's the beauty of my life... that it is MY life. I like to be in worlds that aren't my own. I like to dream that maybe I could have that some day. I love fantasy and sic fi because it's so far off of the realities of the world. It's just far more interesting. I don't' understand people who watch reality TV. I really can't wrap my mind around why you want to see people fight and cuss at each other and these aren't even actors. There's not even any flair to it. Fakeness bores me to tears.
I love spending my weekends doing what I and only I want. I'm not forced into watching some sports game on TV or being dragged to IKEA or worse, the mall. I know relationships are about compromise and I would be willing to do these things if it meant I had someone to hold me at night and kiss me and hold my hand out in public, but since I don't have that and I don't see it happening any time soon, at least I get to enjoy every minute of my free time outside of work doing whatever the hell I want. That's pretty sweet I have to say. No one to tell me to get dressed and go out and do something. If I want to stay inside and like I said binge watch some show on Netflix, well by golly I'm gonna do that. I'm very blessed that I have a job, a house, a cat, and my parents still on earth with me. I know that I am. I have a best friend and godsons who think I am just the coolest person ever... that will probably change when they are teenagers, but maybe not. Maybe I'll always be cool to them. I hope so. As long as there is music to be heard and awesome new movies to watch, and incredible series to binge watch, well I'm as happy as I can be. I know what is realistic and what is just hopeful wishing. I don't believe you can create a person into existence like in the movie "Ruby Sparks." And in that same way, you can't pray this person to cross paths with you, or send out positive vibes to the universe to draw this person to you. You also can't wish on a star or visualize someone and poof, they walk into your life. If those things worked, I wouldn't still be alone, because I've done all of them too many times to count over the past nearly 8 years and it's still crickets over here. And on the active side of things, you can't attend meetups, church group activities and online dating sites and expect to find someone. See here's the thing. People say stop looking and then someone will come to you. But if I didn't have to I wouldn't have gone and tried any of those venues...because in reality none of that interests me in the least bit. I only do them to meet someone. I don't do them cuz they're fun. Making small talk with strangers is the worst. For social, outgoing people it's like catnip, they just can't get enough. They love it so much and each new person is a new story to be written in their life. I'm just not like that and I can't make myself be like that. I know if I want to be friends with someone within the first few minutes of talking to them, and if I've tried to keep you in my life, then you are very very important to me. I used to try more often with more people, after leaving college with like 10 really good friends, but quickly found out that wasn't going to happen with almost all of them. That's just life. Besides my bestie (who can't physically live near me because of the air force and where they send them) I try to focus on who lives near-ish me and who responds to me with my attempts at friendship. Usually if I really really like them as friends, then they get many shots at hanging out, no matter how many times they cancel me or it doesn't work out. I know they're worth it to me. And that I am important to them, just not as important as their husbands, kids and their own best friends, and that's completely valid. I've accepted that. Just like I've accepted I will probably always be alone. Not because I'm some kind of weirdo loser. I'm not. I'm a really really awesome person. I am very loyal to those I love. I am very trustworthy, honest and caring. I love showing the people I love with little things I've made, or cards and little gifts. I love spending one on one time with a friend, not groups, because you can't get into really how they are doing deep down, if there's more than one person to talk to. And I care more about that then superficial stuff or how work is going. Unless it's something really big that happened at work that needs to be talked about. People might find my job interesting, but I don't really have a lot to say about it. It's a job. It's how I survive... since unfortunately money is needed to survive. At least in how I would like to survive on this earth. But why I'll probably be alone is because, again, I don't like groups and meeting people. I've tried a ton. I haven't ever liked it. Even if it's doing something I do like, like kayaking for example. I'd rather do it by myself anyway. And online dating is just the worst. I've already written about that. So this is what I've got. What I already have right now. If anything else is given to me, it will be another blessing added and if it's a person, then it'll be a miracle. Cuz I'm definitely not seeking them out. But if miracles never happened, then there wouldn't be a word to name it. So, who knows...
I'm just grateful the songs never end, the movies never stop being made and the TV series keep coming and coming. There's always something new. Just like there are endless amounts of people out there. Just like I say when a favorite series ends- I'll never find a show as good as that again! I always do. So even though I say there's no one out there for me, no one that's right for me, that'll give me a chance, that I'll take a chance on. Just like when I take a chance on a new show I'm not completely sure about... and then I find out I love it. With all the "choices" of people out there, if ya look at it this way- the odds are at least one of them is right for me...there's some half glass full for ya ;o)