For days now I can't stop writing. I guess my sabbatical is over. I just can't get enough. I have so much to say, and no one to say it to. I have such strong feelings right now for someone I've never met. And I have so much to process about what this really means. Am I living in a false reality? In a fantasy world? And why exactly? What am I hiding from? The world?
Sometimes when I wake up from a really really good dream which always involves me being with someone, having them close to me and in my life in a really intense way...sometimes I keep the dream going. I picture what happened next. I lie in bed until I'm satisfied with the ending or took it where it was going anyway. I love feeling important and loved by someone. Being the one and only "one and only" to that person. I think almost everyone wants that. I don't think they all get it though.
I was thinking about whether or not I'm living in a fantasy world, writing someone that doesn't know I exist and who I haven't even met in person, but feel connected to them based on how I felt when I saw this person, saw their spirit, their personality. And then learning more about them only convinced me even more that there is something there. Most likely just on my side, but I've never felt this way about someone before. Not a crush. I've had plenty of those. This is way deeper than that, and I don't know exactly why that is. I thought about Dwight in the office, the episode when he was depressed over losing Angela and he was constantly playing "second life" a sims-like online game or community. I thought am I living in an imaginary fantasy? but I'm not engaging in something online, if that makes any sense. I'm not in some kind of Warcraft game, pretending I'm a knight. But at least those people are talking to actual people. Nothing wrong with that! Heck maybe they find the love of their life on there. I also don't feel depressed, like he clearly was in that episode. In fact I feel alive for the first time in a long time, elated and awake....
I drive a lot for my job. I often picture someone next to me singing along with me, or just putting her hand on my shoulder and squeezing it. Looking at me and smiling, maybe placing a hand on my leg as I drive, a love pat if you will. It's always been someone I've never seen before, I just make them up. A friend told me she did this as a visualization. She believes in the laws of attraction and visualizing what you want, and is convinced that it works, so I gave it a shot for awhile. But nobody materialized in my life and I had given up doing it long ago. Well since now I have a real face of someone I'm feeling these extreme feelings for, I picture her next to me in my car. Smiling at me, singing along to the radio with me. If I was really seeing her there, then I'd really worry. But I'm pretty sane I think, well for the most part. I don't see her like Izzy saw Denny in Grey's anatomy. There isn't a tumor pressing on my brain. I just think maybe I've reached a point of extreme loneliness and isolation and lack of socializing, that maybe I'm going to a place where I at least feel safe and with someone I feel connected to for no other reason than I just do. I know I will break out of it soon. I know it won't be forever. It's just what I need now. It makes me smile, picturing that kind of love from someone. Just feeling relaxed and cared about and like it's the easiest thing in the world to love that person. They aren't perfect, no one is, but it feels right, they feel right, and that's what's easy about it. You just know that you are meant to be with them. With that one person. So no matter what happens, what hardships you both go through together or on your own, you're gonna work it out. Somehow. You just are. Because you can't imagine your life without that person and you both will do everything in your power to keep that smile on each other's faces. Not a fake smile, but an easy smile, a relaxed and just feeling of pure love, smile. That's what you want to do, for all of the rest of your days on this earth.
So I mailed the letter today. I'm not really sure why. Maybe just to feel alive again. Most likely nothing at all will come from it. And I'm ok with that. Even though this is the craziest thing I've ever done, I'm not a delusional person. I know it's not realistic for anything to happen... unless this was a movie, then it would happen for sure. And we'd fall in love and move in together and then something would happen and we'd break up and then get back together... for good that time. At least in the ellipses that is found in the ending of all movies. We don't know what happens after the movie is over. Garden state still holds the number 1 spot as my favorite movie, even after all these years and countless movies. I love its rawness. I love the flaws of all the characters. I love that they are just trying to get through life with everything that is thrown at them, out of their control, but then finally taking control of something good that has come to them. And that's why Zach Braff's character came running back to Natalie Portman at the final scene of the movie, at the airport. And he has just the most perfect revelation and told her: "do you remember that idea I had about working stuff out, then finding you once I figured stuff out? (the ellipsis?) Yeah, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's an awful idea, I'm not gonna do it ok? cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been sure of in my entire life. I'm really messed up right now and I've got a lot of stuff to work out. But I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it, ok? And I think I can do this. I want to. We have to, right? So, what do we do? What do we do?" and then the most perfect song kicks in, Let Go by the Frou Frou. "so let go, so let go, jump in. Oh well watcha waiting for? It's alright. Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown. So let go. Let go. Just get in. Oh it's so amazing here it's alright cuz there's beauty in the breakdown."
We don't know what happens after that scene. If they made it as a couple, but neither do real life couples. And I kind of liked it even more because it wasn't a happily ever after moment. Sure there was a kiss, which is a staple to any movie with a "happily ever after" moment, but in this case, they asked "what do we do?" what do any of us do? Just try. Just love. Just do the best we can. I may not be able to "try" in the ways others girls my age try. But I do the best that I can do. And that's what matters. I feel like I know myself so very well. Like a little too well. But that's a good thing. I know what I want, what I like. I know my feelings and express them, better in writing, but if giving the chance to breathe and think a minute, I can voice them pretty well too, at least when I really want to.
Well, in the words of Sara Bareilles- "I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave, with what you wanna say and let the words fall out. Honestly I wanna see you be brave."
What would happen? When your words aren't hurtful, just truths about yourself or expressing love for another... it doesn't mean it will work out, but it's better than living every moment in your shell and not trying anything ever. So good for me, I say. Good for me for trying. For speaking out about how I feel. Even if it was only an exercise in "being alive again." That's good enough of a reason, for me.
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