As I sit here on my rocker chair from IKEA, in my front doorway, eating my Rasin Bran with omega-3 and flaxseed and pretending it's healthy, while watching my cat sit on the wet walkway in the drizzling rain (just cuz she thinks she "has" to be outside); I ponder my boring, safe life... and the fact that I use too many run on sentences, perhaps. But mostly I think about the safe life I live. And how I've given up on "signs," thinking that seeing something random, has some kind of meaning and foreshadowing of the future. I don't believe in any of it anymore. I've seen too many signs that never led to anything, wished on too many stars and birthday candles, and prayed for far too long with nothing to show for it. Nothing happens for a reason. It just happens, or it doesn't happen. Nothing is "meant to be." Everything is random, and nothing has meaning unless you want it to have meaning. Unless you are determined to find the meaning in it. You can find a penny on the ground and if that day you have good luck, well good for you. It was because it just happened to go that way, not because you found that penny. Fortune cookies don't foretell the future and wishes on birthday candles don't come true, unless your parents already knew you wanted that pony and got it for you for your birthday before you even blew out your candles. Once you realize that signs don't mean anything, you can just live your life however you choose to live it and stop looking for meaning in everything, stop taking signs to mean something good is coming your way very soon. You can base all your decisions on what you want to do, and if you fail, well at least you can say you tried. Or you can not try at all and just say that you didn't really want it that badly anyway. I live a pretty safe life. I'm pretty ok with that. Taking risks almost always ends in disappointment for me; I would say 9 out of 10 times. Even when I thought, "I'm glad I did go to that group thing, cuz I made a new friend!" Turns out it was just a fluke. I made a "weekend friend," or a "couple times" friend. It's cool though. I don't really need a lot of friends. I don't really need more than one or 2..or just one. And even then it's just become texting only now, but it's better than nothing.
I'm meeting a possible new friend (or more), this weekend. I say "meeting" because for the past almost 2 months now, we've only communicated through email. I don't think I'm really that nervous, this time around. Not because I'm so cool and collected and easy going about it. And also not because I don't care. But mostly because I don't have expectations for it. I can't. I can't keep getting disappointed when I think I've made a new friend, only to discover it was more of a one-time or couple times, thing. A "one-night stand friendship", if you will. I can't have expectations anymore, for anybody. That's setting me up for disappointment. That's putting too much pressure on that person (even though they don't know it). It's too much of me "putting all my eggs in one basket" and it has to stop. I have to accept that I'm not going to have a group of friends like those portrayed on TV sitcoms with 20-30 somethings as the main group of characters. I'm just not. I don't think that's realistic. People my age don't just hang out with one group of people, all of them together all of the time. Like they're their own family. People my age have different random friends they see separately at random times. Or they have their spouse and other couple friends. Now meeting one person and starting a family and spending all your days together; that's a totally different story. That IS realistic. It's not just on a TV sitcom; it's in real life too, but anyway...
All of that's not to say I'm not a little hopeful for Saturday. I am a little hopeful...that I have met a real friend that I can hang out with more than a couple of times. That she could possibly be something more someday. Of course I hope for that. I hope that we have chemistry and connection face to face and not just our common shared interests and our passion for good music and how it changes our life everyday. That's a big deal though. I'm passionate for my music and movies and my TV shows especially, and to find someone I can geek out over that stuff with, and not feel like a loser who doesn't have a "real" life like they do (aka a husband and kids), well that's pretty damn special to find. I'd love to find all 3 of those passions in someone someday, but we'll see.
There is something to be said about playing it safe though. (I didn't use quotation marks that time because I feel that I've reached the maximum amount of quotation marks allowed per blog, and almost about to reach my limit on parentheses). But anyways, playing it safe, staying home with my cat, is not only relaxing, but it's also easy and risk-free. And I think less chance of being killed, if you stay home. That sounds weird. Scratch that. Although technically it is true. I also get to fully charge my batteries so that when I do go out, I can make it count. And like that one time when I was mistaken for a "extrovert," something like that would never happen if I was going out all of the time and running myself down, both physically and socially. Because I am definitely not someone who feeds off of others and needs to be around a lot of people. Give me one person to listen to acoustic music at a coffee shop with or watch a movie under a blanket with, and I'll be a happy gal. I like playing it safe for now. If something really moves me and pushes me to do something. Something deep down inside me that won't leave me alone, then I'll most likely pursue it or at least look into it. But complacency isn't the worst thing in the world. Spiraling downward, chasing the rabbit down the hole, falling into a pit, those are all worst things. Setting goals and reaching them is good and all, but not something I'm into really. I like who I am, and I have grown into who I am now, naturally I think. I worked at some things I guess, but more because I was at the end of my rope and it was do something or live in hopeless depression, and enough is enough of all that. Everything is cool, everything is fine. It's alright. I feel like those are lyrics to a song, but I don' t know which one. It's kind of weird now, when I see signs. I make a conscious effort to not read into them. And now I can't even remember what they were. I think it's good for me. The less disappointment I create for myself, the better off I am. Disappointment will come naturally and out of my control anyway. I don't need to put more opportunities of it into my life. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. That's how I choose to live my life. Whatever will be, will be...the future's not ours to see...(aka signs don't mean diddly squat) ;o)
No comments:
Post a Comment