Hope for 2015...(she said sarcastically).

I don't like to write the way everyone else writes. I don't want to write about "looking back on your year." Or "ways to lose that holiday weight," or "10 New Years' Resolutions that YOU should be making." Maybe I'll never publish any of my writings, or get paid for them, but I'm okay with that. I write about my inner struggle and my pathway to self-discovery. About the ways I find happiness. Even just about how writing in and of itself, is my own form of therapy. I'm not going to look back on my year and ponder what I've accomplished. I don't have any big life events that have happened. I really haven't in years, and I'm ok with that. This is my story, not someone else's. If other people want to see the validity of their life in the partner they found to spend their time with, the kids that they had, or simply material things or big expensive trips, well then that's fine. That's them. Me, I'm happy that I'm still here, I still have my health. I'm happy that my parents are still with me on this planet. I'm happy that Mollie, my cat, hasn't run away to join the circus. I'm happy I still have my job that affords me my house and all the concerts, musicals, maybe a trip or two in the states every year. Many people have none of those things. All my friends past and present may have so much more than me, even just in terms of people that care and love them deeply and tell them or show them that on a regular basis, or just by being present in their every day lives. But more people than I've ever met or will ever know, have far less than I do, so I'm grateful for what I do have. That said, it's definitely harder during the holidays. It's a time for families, meaning children, and couples showing their love through material gifts. And also just spending time together. I wish I could spend time with my friends during the holidays, but that never happens. Jewelry commercials begin, with proof that every girl is getting that diamond ring of their dreams... and I don't even like jewelry. But I do want what it represents, true love and a promise to stay together forever. Christmas changed for me this year. It's the first year it wasn't just the 4 of us. My sister brought her fiancé and thus Christmas will never be the same ever again. Some how I managed to make it through the day. I was nice and not distant. I talked and I smiled and I didn't leave the room or put on headphones. Not once did I get to talk about me, though. Not once did anyone ask me anything about my life or what was going on with me. And I hadn't even seen my sister since May. It was all about the wedding, the bridesmaid dress, the honeymoon, the fact they might move to Belgium for 8 months. Yeah I get it, that's a lot to talk about. Like I said, I didn't say anything. I participated. I was more than just present in the room. I'm over it now. I'm back at my house, where I am safe and secure. I'm in my bubble, in my world, where I'm the most important person here. Where my cat Mollie stares at me endlessly and listens to me, for the most part, she is just a cat. But what person listens all the time anyway, right? I wish my mom would be as happy and excited for me about what's going on in my life, no matter how small, no matter if really all that's going on is something to do with my cat or my godsons (my best friends kids), as she is for my sister. All she's ever wanted is to plan a wedding and be a grandmother. I get it. I'm sorry I can't make that happen for her. I have no control over it. I wish I did. I want those things more than anything. But my sister just got lucky. She didn't search far and wide and long and hard. It just fell into her lap, like everything else in her life. I wish I could be given jewelry, a new iPhone, a Wii, a trip to Disney world, taken to Harry Potter World... I'm sure there's more but that's all I can remember right now of what's been GIVEN to her. If I want something, I have to pay for it myself. If I want to go somewhere, I have to save up and pay for it myself. I've never been given anything extravagant, any big or expensive gifts and most certainly never a trip of any kind. But that's the way it is. Again, nothing I can do about that. For some reason my lot in life is to be alone. Maybe a new city is what I need, new faces, new people. Or maybe it'll just come crashing down all around me as Colorado did for me. I'm not willing to risk it just yet. I'm not ready to give up the best place I've ever lived (the house I live in now, not the city). I'm not ready to risk what a move might do to Mollie. Would it kill her? Would she run out the door the second I opened it and I'd never see her again? This is the only home she's ever known. And while I would move in a heartbeat FOR someone I was in love with and committed to. I really don't want to move and not only lose my favorite house, but also Mollie and then discover that it was all for nothing, never finding "the one" in that new city, and maybe even falling into debt because of the cost of living being higher, which is a strong possibility in the places I would consider moving to ie: Washington or Colorado. Mountains. Why else would you move away from your comfort zone, if it didn't involve a beautiful view? At least when I lost everything in Colorado Springs, I still had that damn mountain range. That gorgeous Pikes Peak. It alone kept me there another 8 months or so. I'm a little too comfortable here. I'm not challenging myself or trying much at all anymore. I feel like I've given it my all, though. How many times do you have to fail at something before deciding to stop trying all together? Making a connection with someone is a tricky thing. You either have it or you don't. You can't force it. Some people don't even want to "give it a try." People decide all the time, based on the way you look. I'm a failure at people. That's kind of how I see it. Or maybe a failure at "dating." God, what does "dating" even mean? Is hanging out, "dating?" Or do you have to use the words, "Do you want to go out on a date with me?" for it to be an actual date. I feel like I am truly capable of talking to people, and being "normal" and saying "normal" things and being pleasant and nice and friendly and asking questions. But then why does nobody like me in that way? Why does no one want to get to know me further? I hear myself when I talk. I'm funny, I'm nice and I ask a lot about the other person, not just talk about myself. I wouldn't even say I'm that shy when it's a one on one situation. I might be a little bit, but only if I get the feeling they aren't that into me. I read people too well. I would love to meet someone who is so excited to get to know me. Someone that just wants to know everything about me. Instead I get someone who has yet to ask me a single question about my life, to get to know me in any way. And it's been more than just a couple months now, that I've known her, but anyways.  I guess I'm not attractive enough to most people. Well, I'm not changing the way I look, or improving it in any way. I have been known to wear makeup and try to fix my hair more than my usual everyday look, which isn't saying much, since I wear scrubs and a ponytail and no makeup to my job working with babies. I have enough self-esteem to say that I'm not ugly. But for whatever reason, be it the other person's crap or what have you, no one has been interested in me since George W. Bush was president... the second time, with the exception of one other person, but that's a whole other story. But anyways, these are just my contemplations, my wonderings. Questions with no answers. 2015, come on over, or don't. Does it really matter? In the words of Dwight from The Office, "that's how it goes sometimes, ya know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you." That is a very good point, Dwight. ;o) Or something more hopeful than that... I'll go with the more hopeful quote...I don't have one, but make one up and send it to me, why don't ya? ;o)