hug junkie or human?

I feel like all I've done the past 5 days is sit and stare. I mean that's entirely true, but I feel so lost in my head. I feel numb. I feel very disconnected from the world. I haven't had a car since Tuesday at about 2pm when I dropped it off at Firestone, after a malfunction light came on after one of my many home visits I drive to every day. Because it's the holidays they don't get the part until tomorrow morning, which is Monday, so by the time I get it back, it will be about 6 days total. Christmas Day my Dad did pick me up and brought me to their house so I could spend it with the family (how nice of them to do so). But besides that, I've been on my own. No one to talk to face to face, or on the phone for that matter. I did share about my car troubles with the guy at the awesome little seafood joint by my house today, so it's not like I'm some kind of recluse. Just part recluse. I made it out to Walgreens Christmas eve and CVS today, Sunday, but other than that, zilch, nada. It was really cold and windy most days. I wasn't much for walking in that. At least today there was sun. I feel kind of out of it. Somehow these days at home have all run together and they went by extremely fast, despite you thinking they would go by slow, being stuck at home. Like I said, sitting and staring at nothing, steals the time from you. I did other things too, it just seems though, that I did that too often. I don't know why I did. I don't think you ever plan to get in your head or zone out, you just do. I have been texting a couple friends some, so there's that I guess. But what I really want, is a friend to hold me. Even in a friendly way. You see girls on movies or TV shows, like ones called Girls, and in a totally non-sexual way, they are looping their arm through their girl friend's arm. They're putting their head on the other's shoulder. They're even sometimes in bed in some weird cuddling sort of way. Like I said, not sexual at all, and I'm like, girls do this with their friends?? Really? What girls are these? And why did I never get friends like that? Well if I didn't growing up, I certainly won't now. Any straight friend that's a girl, would probably never express friendship and love in that kind of way with me. Not knowing what they know now. That kind of sucks. I would never ever try anything with a friend. All my girl friends are straight, I would never compromise our friendship. But I do wish we had this kind of friendship. They are portrayed on TV and movies enough times in that way, to make me feel like everyone's doing it but me. Girls have friends like that, that show each other love in that way, a friendly, non-threating, non-sexual, touchy feely way?  I once had a friend put a hand on my back and rub for like 2 seconds and I about broke down crying. Human touch is powerful. It is SO powerful. It is life changing, it is heart healing. I need a real hug and the only friend that gives really deep, long, real hugs (the same one I just mentioned), I haven't seen since my birthday. 6 months ago. That's how long it's been since I've had a real hug. I think I maybe had a few fake wimpy hugs, but I honestly couldn't tell you when or where or with who. And this friend also initiates these hugs. So that makes it 10 million times better. I hate being some needy weirdo that is asking for a hug. But look how important they are! Look how much they mean to me! I've been rambling on about them for like 10 lines now. Man, I think if I got a real hug now, I might never let that person go. I think if I am ever lucky enough to be held by someone that really likes me, either in that way, or just as a friend, well I would probably break down crying and never stop. I would finally feel released from this prison that I'm in, because, well I don't know why exactly. But somehow I guess it's my fault. Because I'm not trolling the internet or going to meet-up events that I have no interest in, it's my fault I don't have anyone to hold me. It's all my fault, I haven't found anyone that I connect with. I haven't tried hard enough. I do have friends that love me, they just don't have time for me. They just don't express love with their friends in this way. I mean why should they? They have husbands to hold them at night. They have little kids that they are always picking up and holding. Why would they make the time to just come over and hold me? I'm not saying that sarcastically or in a mean way. I'm just being honest. Why would they? That doesn't make any sense. It's not important to them, or something they've ever done with a girl that's a friend, so it probably never occurred to them. That's what girlfriends do in movies and TV, but not in real life. Or at least not in my life. You can't make friends do things that they are uncomfortable with. I remember once, I was in a really bad place and I had just started to realize that I was probably gay and I was trying to go out and do things but I found myself paralyzed with fear outside this dance club type place. Women were walking in and I was in the car flipping out. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in. I ended up driving to Barnes and nobles and eating some cheesecake by myself instead. That didn't really help because there were all these straight couples there doing the same, which I thought was a little weird, I mean go to the actual cheesecake factory. In fact it was literally next door to this particular Barnes and Nobles. And so I went out to my car, but I couldn't drive. I was a mess, I was crying and I couldn't stop. I called a friend and I had never asked a friend this before but I was desperate and I asked her to please come over and hold me. Whether or not she truly would, I don't know. The fact is she couldn't. She was busy that night, she was out somewhere with her husband. I don't think it weirder her out, we're still friends. She was a newly wed at the time, I was at her wedding. It wasn't going to be anything fishy, I just wanted to be held while I cried. She said I should call my Mom. My Mom doesn't hold me. I can't recall her ever holding me, but I'm guessing she did as a child or I would be like one of those poor Russian orphanage kids and I'm not that bad, poor sad babies. I could barely even remember times she had ever hugged me. Of course when they left me in my dorm room freshman year, when I moved to Colorado, times like that. Even now, as I have made the conscious decision to hug my Mom and Dad (my Mom is reluctant but takes them. My Dad, responded really well and gives real hugs back and doesn't let go until I do and will kiss my cheek if I kiss his first). But even now, I still am the one to initiate every one of those hugs. I wish I wasn't. I wish I was surprised by one. I wish I turned around to leave and they pulled me into a hug, against my will even, like a child who thinks they're too old for a hug. I wish that happened. But you can't blame people for expressing love the way they express it. It might not be how you want it, but the important thing is that they give it, however it is they do. I still don't know what to do about this need that isn't being met. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying, my skin is dying. Like I'm living without sometimes basic, and thus withering away slowly. Most of the time I guess I can distract myself from it, or just try not to think about it. I guess it didn't work, or I wouldn't be talking about it now, but I don't think about it all the time, just almost all the time. I'm a junkie. A touchy-feeling junkie. That sounds weird. Hug junkie? Let's just leave drugs out of it and say I'm human. I'm a human. I need touch. that's all there is to it.