The Hotel

I have no jets and I dropped my phone in the tub... there are worse things than this, but it's where I am right now. My body feels lethargic and depression has seeped in. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was on my free HBO on my hotel 47 inch flat screen TV, one of two in this suite (there's one in the separate living room as well), but his "grab life by the balls" attitude was making me more depressed so I went outside to one of my 2 balconies. Yes. There are 2. I better snap out of it quick before my night slips away from me and I have to leave this beautiful Italian Renaissance decorated hotel suite. I'm looking at a freaking sunset over a large lake. A panoramic view, on the very top floor of this hotel. I've never been so high up. I've never had towels in the shape of swans. I've never had a 2 room suite before. There's actually doors to the bedroom and a half-bath off the living room and a freaking humongous walk-in shower with not one but 2 showerheads... and all I can focus on is how I really came here for those freaking jets in the whirlpool and I can't even have that one thing. I don't know why I thought this night would be any different than the others I've spent in hotels all around over the years. I've been in a couple that have an actual hot tub in the room but all I could focus on was the fact that I didn't have anyone in it to share it with me. And even when I decided jets be gone, I'll still soak in the tub...I put my phone on this holder thing that looked impossible for it to slide off of, but sure enough it did. And down to the bottom of the tub it went. The song kept playing after I retrieved it as quick as I could, but slowly but surely a black spot at the far right emerged and then I couldn't push any of the apps on the phone, so I turned it off. Hoping it can dry out and work again later, but I won't hold my breath. And now the cigar smoke I'm smelling wafting in from someone's balcony or maybe even the cigar shop (which is one of only 4 shops in what I thought was a little shopping center), is going to drive me back indoors. The boat is leaving. It looks to be carrying either the wedding party that's staying here or the 50th high school reunion. Man. 50 years. I didn't go to my 10th. I won't go to my 20th, if I'm still alone. Snap out of it Christie. This is your end of the year treat, your half-birthday/Christmas present to yourself. You've made it another year. You did it! You're still alive and you still are hanging in there. 9 years of singleness be damned. You are still here and breathing. No one ever died from loneliness. Well maybe; I haven't done the research. As I sit in this random ergonomical desk chair, my feet up on the table...I almost expect for my slipper to jump off my foot and fall through the bars of the balcony. I mean why not? I'd probably find it though. It would be just fine I'm sure... unlike my phone... and the jets I can't enjoy. Oh well. I tried. Maybe I can get a free breakfast out of this.
I feel nothing, as I stare out at the orange-ish pink sunset over the large lake before me. Hopefully that will change as the hours continue until tomorrow at noon when I have to check-out. I'll do my best to try. I'm not perfect. I'm not magical. I'm not able to flip a switch and say it's ok! It doesn't matter. I mean I can say that, but I won't mean it. Of course it matters. It matters to me. I just wanted something fun and different and special and fancy and it's not like I have someone that's going to do that for me. All I have is myself. All I have is me to do special things for myself. Maybe someday I'll mean something more to someone than just a text, but for now I have just me. I wish Mollie was here with me. I wish she could be like a dog this one time and be here in the hotel room with me. I miss her. I always do. I'll see her tomorrow. And since my hands are frozen and the sun is setting, I bid adieu for the night. I'll see what other trouble I can get into ;o)