Writing to me, by me, about me, for me...

"I don’t think you know how beautiful you are,” she stated simply as if stating the basic truths about life, things that everyone knew to be true. I felt a smile creep up the side of my lips and just shrugged my shoulders. “See? You don’t.” Then she started doing something no one else had ever done before. Sure I’ve gotten the beautiful eyes line or smile like maybe once or twice in my life. But right then, Carrie took her finger, much like I had done to her, and traced each part of my face, circling it as if she was a plastic surgeon, about to tell you what you needed to fix, but instead of that, she was doing the opposite. Telling me my best physical qualities. “Your eyes are as blue as the sea. They are shockingly blue. The prettiest blue I’ve ever seen,” she said tracing around them with her finger. She moved her finger down to my cheek. “You have these dimples that form at the corner of your cheek when you smile really big.” I demonstrated it for her to which she said, “there it is.” “Your lips are perfect opposites. The top is thin and perfect and your bottom is voluptuous and juicy.” She ran her finger over both of them and then held my chin so she could come in for the perfect kiss, not too firm not too soft; and for the perfect length of time, as well.

That was an entry from one of my latest stories. It made me think about how my writing isn't for escapism or for hiding and ignoring the real world. It's my way of expressing myself, loving myself, and working things out through conversations with myself and another person who in real life would have no idea who I was. But that's not the point. Deep down I don't want to "be" with whoever I'm with in my stories. I only know them as a character or how they are in interviews or how they seem in pictures on Instagram. I know nothing about who they truly are when no one is looking, behind closed doors. They are just a conduit. They may represent my deepest longing, but they also speak the truth I know to be true deep down, that I never tell myself. My writing is my therapy. And when I write something like that paragraph up top, I just remind myself that I am enough. I think those things I had someone else say to me in my story, about myself; I wrote them not because I "wish" I had those qualities. I write my true self ALL the time. I may change the situations, the locations, but I never change who I am in my stories. I am always the lead character, and I am always Christie. Me. Maybe I've become a famous writer or have a movie being made based off my book or the screenplay I've worked on and put aside for years. And I always have love, in the form of a woman who loves me for me. But I myself never change my character, my morals, my personality, the core of who I am. And I like that. I never did it on purpose. I guess it was subconscious. I would change the circumstances of my life in my stories, but I would never change who I am deep down and what makes me, me. I'm pretty proud of myself for that. I'm glad I can recognize that what I write how other people see me, is how I see myself and how I feel about myself, it just would be nice if someone else recognized it and acknowledged it, in the real world. But I'm happy that I can at least write about it and have the creative capacity to make up such deep and personal stories of how I see myself and what I wish for myself, no matter how impossible it may sound, or the ability to make it truly happen.
This may be the shortest thing I've ever written... I'm a lengthy writer, whether it be in a friend's card, a text, a Facebook status, or a blog. But it's all I need to say right now. And plus I want to get back to my story. I have more things to say to me, from me, the writer... to the character of me...aaah, you get what I mean...