Believe in...

What do you believe in?

That's a loaded question.

Santa was probably the very first thing you believed in. And if you were raised in the church like I was, it was also God. Santa and God. Both you couldn't see face to face, but you were told that the things you did see, were a reflection of them. The one unwrapped present that was right next to the tree, instead of all the ones that were wrapped under it, was from Santa Claus of course. Because why would your Mom not wrap one of your presents? And all the stories I read in the Bible of water turning to wine, lepers being cured, even people being raised from the dead. This was God. I can't think of any personal examples of God, but many people have them. Like cancer mysteriously going away and walking out of a car smashed to smithereens without a scratch on you. These stories exist and have no explanation. Then there's magic. I'm sure like every kid, especially ones living in an age before the internet (wherein you can literally look up any trick and have it explained to you), I believed in magic. It was right in front of my face and I didn't see the slight of hand or know that was even a thing. I remember being so disheartened later on when I found out how they did many of these tricks. I was like, I didn't want to know that. I'd rather live in blissful ignorance of it all. I think mostly why I love books and movies with a fantastical or magical aspect to them, is because I wished we could have some of that "real" magic (at least to the characters living in that world), in our world. In my own life. And then there's love. We all believe in love at some point. True love. When we have it, we believe this is it! This is meant to be! I love him and he loves me. I believe in love. Until it goes away and then we aren't so sure anymore. Not to sound overdramatic, but I don't think I believe in anything anymore. Not Santa, not magic, not love and not even God. Well maybe I believe in him a little bit. If that's even possible. I believe he exists. Since I was raised in the church and it was a huge part of my life for at least 30 years or so, it's hard for me to fathom his non-existence. He's as real as air is to me. I breathe it and I feel it, so it's real. I believe in air. I don't really understand how you cannot believe in air. I'm stubborn and I would never let anyone tell me not to believe in God or argue with me his non-existence. I would fight that to the death. But by myself, alone, I can struggle believing in him, at least when it comes to his love. But only because I don't feel like he cares about me and certainly there are many sad folk out there who live and die on the street and it sure doesn't seem like he cares about them! My need for love is nothing like their need for the basic of necessities or to just be seen by others. But I think many of them find community with each other, or that's what it seems at least; I haven't done the research, nor is this a blog about homelessness. I should really only write about what I know. Which is me. I know me and how I feel. I do believe in myself. To an extent. I guess like God, I believe in certain things pertaining to the both of us. I believe in a heck of a lot more things concerning myself then I do about God. But this is about believing "in" not believing "all." Of course I can't believe in everything about myself, but I believe enough. Saying you believe in yourself, really sounds more like believing you can do anything. But I can't do anything. I can't physically crawl through a pipe that a rat can climb through. That's a very specific example and a very random one I know. Some things are impossible. Finding someone that would believe in me enough to want to stick around, stick it out, live life with me every day; THAT feels impossible. It just does. I can't explain it. I think when you go as long as I have without someone that close to you in your life, you start to forget that there were ever people that did think they wanted to spend every day with you for the rest of their lives. You know it was true, you can kinda remember the feeling and you remember the words that came out of their mouth, like "I love you" "I would never leave you," "I want to marry you," but obviously those are just words. It all literally seems impossible to me now. I feel like I have a better chance of becoming a famous writer and going to a party at Amy Poehler's house, where it also just so happens that every single one of my favorite female comedian actresses, are also attending; (this is somewhat realistic in that they all at least have worked together, and appear to be friends in some capacity). THAT crazy perfect scenario is more realistic than me just meeting some girl out somewhere and connecting with her and ending up building a life together. I just described what happens to millions of people on this planet, and yet a party that probably has never occurred with all the exact people I've written into my story at said party, is way more realistic to me. It's like if winning the lottery happened to almost everybody. That's what it feels like. Something that should be so common place, meeting someone and connecting and choosing to be with them; well for me in my life, is like winning the lottery. My chances feel like 1 in 260 million. And like the Powerball lotto, which I spend $10 on buying tickets for, I was not chosen as a winner. I wish that I believed in love. I certainly did for years. But I can't anymore. I can't believe in people anymore. With the exception of an old friend or 2 maybe. I certainly can't believe in new people. I try to be a friend and connect and suggest hanging out and I'm interested in them, even helped them in certain situations. I'm usually very complimentary and not in a fake way at all. It's rare I even want to spend time with someone new, who isn't a friend who has at least 7 years friendship on them. But even if it's met with interest and somewhat of a desire to hang out, it literally never happens. It's talked about until it isn't. Or it's completely ignored. And it wasn't like I was making up some sort of possibly friendship vibe. It was there. Theses aren't strangers, mind you. They are people I've had longer than a couple minute conversation with and in more than one or 2 different situations. Ones who at least seemed to be interested in at least hanging out one on one with, at some point. But it's met with an "eh" and then I get the picture and I'm done. I'll only try so many times. I don't chase people who don't want to be chased. There's a difference between "I have a really busy life" and "I have no interest in hanging out with you," even though we've talked several different times before and I wasn't just "making this all up." But it's their loss. Because I am about the most loyal friend you'd ever have. And I care. I just can only be ignored so many times before I give up entirely. I used to try much longer, in my 20s. Now I'm old and tired and just done. So to recap: Santa: no. Magic: no. Love, God and myself?? Well, the jury's still out on those. If I'm being literal, I still believe IN God (in that he exists, unlike Santa and magic). I do believe IN myself, because if I didn't I would literally never do anything ever, because what would be the point? What would it accomplish? If I didn't believe I could do a single damn thing. I certainly wouldn't be writing a blog. And Love?? Well I want to still believe IN love. It sure has worked for all those millions of people I mentioned. And it's also portrayed in most movies and in a high percentage of songs. But do I believe in it for myself? Hmmm...I don't know to be honest. I lean heavily to "no," but it would be nice to believe in it a little bit. Keep myself open just barely. Maybe someone will sneak in there. Probably not, but love isn't air. It isn't a sure thing. It can be debated. You can't debate air. So until I have some solid evidence, like the kind that proves the existence of air, I'll be on the fence on that one.

And side note: Dinosaurs! I believe in dinosaurs. But some people don't. It does seem really weird that these huge creatures roamed the earth and then just died, but I feel like their bones in a perfect formation, proves their existence. But apparently I've been told that this planet could've formed around them or something? Or aliens moved them? I'm unsure on the logic or lack thereof. But there's a lot of really interesting theories out there. It's definitely more exciting than an asteroid just killing them all. So more power to ya. Believe whatever you like. That's the cool thing about belief. It's yours and only yours. No one controls what you believe in. I'd love to believe in a world where the Smurf village really exists. I would be the happiest person on the planet. But I think I'll leave that for my storywriting...