"You can't let the fear of failing stop you from trying."
Hercules said this to Snow White on the TV show, Once Upon a Time
As children you're told "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Adults need to tell kids this because otherwise they'd give up after the first failure, or at least a lot of us would. I see it everyday. The 2 year olds I work with: half of them will try and put that square shape in the circle hole till the cows come home, but the others will just give up and throw the damn thing. I always tell them, "keep trying," "try another one." Half listen to me and half don't, but if they do try another hole, some of them actually get it in. But what about those that never find that square hole? What if they try the triangle and the star, every single dang one but the correct one? They don't see what's staring them in the face. Sometimes that's life. Sometimes you try everything and get no results, no resolution, no reward. You're the square piece and every person you meet is a circle or a star or a triangle and you never find your square. It sucks, but it's the way it goes sometimes. But the only other option is not trying at all and you definitely can't find your matching shape if you don't even TRY and see what's out there. It's impossible to look everywhere, so you can never really say "I've tried everything." I've definitely been in the "not trying" phase for quite a long while now. I'm beginning small steps to maybe even just meet some people that could be possible friends, but it's coming with a lot of baggage that I'm not really ready to deal with yet, not sure if I'll ever be ready to open THAT door again, but that discussion is for another time and not in this format.
What if a child knew they couldn't do the shape sorter and stopped trying all-together? For every toy? The fear of failing is a strong one, but hopefully most kids have loving parents cheering them on, clapping for the tiniest things, or at least an Early Intervention Specialist like me, who does the cheering and clapping and encouraging. It's probably why most of my kids run to me with a smile on their face when I get there, because they know I'm not only going to engage in play with them, but tell them things other than "stop that" or "no." But that's a whole other story entirely, as well.
I have another quote to share that spoils a recent scene from The Walking Dead. So stop now if you haven't watched last weeks episode, but do come back, because it's a fantastic quote.
Denise says: "I could've gone with Tara, I could've told her I loved her but I didn't, because I was afraid. That's what's stupid. Not coming out here, not facing my shit. And it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying. Because you're strong and you're smart. And you're both really good people and if you don't wake up, and face your..." and then she died. But I'm guessing that she was going to say "...face your fears. You are going to die alone." Or "you are going to miss out on something great," or something along those lines. Because she's right... existing isn't enough. Breathing and eating and sleeping isn't enough.
I like that she said that: "it makes me sick that you guys aren't even trying." Even though in this apocalyptic world of the undead coming to eat you, I would find "trying" extremely difficult; I do see her point and I take it to heart. I AM strong and I AM smart. Just because I haven't figured it out yet, haven't figured out where to meet someone, doesn't mean I can't figure it out. I am a smart capable woman. That's not to say people who aren't, shouldn't have love, I wish everyone would find someone, but I need to be the strong person I already know I am and have proven to be, and get the fuck outta here and at least try! All you can do is you. I can't make anyone like me or fall for me or find me attractive or want to hang out with me again; but I can be me. I can be in environments where people tend to gather. I feel closer to the characters in my TV shows than I do actual people. They get me. I don't have anybody that truly gets me, in my life right now. I realized this today. I do have my best friend who loves me and who will always be there for me and is single handedly the only person in my life that TRULY BELIEVES that I will meet the love of my life. She KNOWS it. She told me on the phone the other day how she hears people talk about how they are unhappy in their marriages and maybe that's due to getting married young and just changing over the years into completely different people and how that can cause friction and differences they didn't know they had before. But for me, since I'm older, she said that when I find that woman, she will be perfect for me and I will be happy, forever. Period. The end. Now I know its unrealistic to be happy every day, but I get what she meant. I know what I want, I know what I need and if this woman exists (which she believes she does), we will ride off into the proverbial sunset together. That's the dream. I mean come on, what else is there in life but love? Physical, emotional love. Like love. Meaning I like you and I love you. I've never going to leave you love. (Well on my own account, at least). I probably had a point here, but have drifted off into this magical world where I have this person my bestie is talking about. Oh yeah, I was talking about how I don't have anyone that gets me. This is true. I don't even have a friend who is like me, who likes who I like. Who understands what I am going through because she's been there and is currently there (I don't have to spell it out for you). Going out and making friends (especially to what I was referencing to earlier) would mean going back into the closet. I couldn't be my true self with this particular group. Why bother you ask? Well, I never get invited anywhere to anything, so the least I can do is give them a chance. I was thinking it's possible to maybe make a friend outta the whole thing. Ya never know... And I am in desperate need of a face-to-face friend.
But trying over and over again and in various situations and with people and places and things and worlds... (ok maybe not that last part), is tres difficile! (that means very difficult, in French). Sometimes I feel like one of those tone-deaf kids in American Idol who think they can actually sing. When I go out and try to meet people and connect, it's like someone should be telling me, "look Christie. You suck at this. Please stop. You aren't going to get anywhere with this. You think the end game is marriage, but the end game is really you alone on your couch till you're 70." Ok maybe that "someone" is me. I probably tell myself that, even if it is just subconsciously...or typing it out in a blog. I've gotta be more like my bestie. Have her in my head. She would say (and has said before) "I don't know why you're still alone. It makes no sense, but I KNOW that there is the right woman out there for you. You just haven't met her yet. But when you do, it'll be easy because it'll be right and she'll be right for you and you for her. And you'll be happy forever and ever amen." Amen indeed.
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