I feel stuck. I feel a little bit lost. I see myself as this woman in this place of mud, in the middle of the dark woods. I'm all alone and it's dark, but I'm managing. I can't move too well, but at the same time the mud is all over my naked body like one of those mud baths you could take, like I was in some fancy damn spa, so it feels kind of nice and soothing. The hole is small, I fit with a little bit of room around me. My head is out. I can stand in it comfortably. I'm not necessarily sad about being in this mud pit. It is a little lonely and dark and I wish that someone would join me. That'd be kind of sexy actually... but mainly I would like someone to turn on the light. I'd like the sun to come out. But if it came out and I remained in the mud pit then it would harden and I'd be really stuck for good. It would take sledge hammers and shit to get me outta that. I'd just like someone to come by, put her arm out and say take my hand and she wouldn't even have to pull that hard and I'd just spring right out. It would be easy as pie... as mud pie.
I feel like this world of isolation I live in can be comforting but at times extremely lonely. I usually distract myself well. I don't feel depressed over it, just disappointed. I'm disappointed that I've tried so many avenues in the almost 4 years I've been out, and yet, still nothing...no one. I've gone on what might be considered dates, but we didn't connect and all but one ended after that first "date." I can't believe it's been a year since that last so called date. More than a year actually. Is that right? Yeah I believe so. I feel like I've exhausted every possible resource at my disposal. I've gone to all the places where it's just a lot of women drinking somewhere. I hate it. I don't drink, so it's not fun for me. I literally have tried everything, even church. Church isn't for me anymore. I just can't get behind it anymore. I don't understand why God wouldn't have stepped in by now. Why he can't just nudge someone in my direction and I'll do the rest. I've been places. I've been out. I've done it all. I don't know why I haven't connected with anyone. I know I'm capable. I connect with the moms that I work with every single day. I have this ability to make them not only trust me, but more importantly, be empowered through me, just by the words I say to them as they navigate this new terrain with a baby that maybe just needs a little extra help, or one that will need a bit more than that...
If I can connect with them and if I've connected with some people at work and I've made friends in the past.... they may all be too busy to see me now, what with them having real families now; but I've been able to connect before and I can do it now... just if there was someone to do it with. Someone that wanted to try past the first face to face meeting after online messages. Or someone that wanted to give me a chance beyond a first impression. Maybe I'm shy, but I'm certainly not shy when I'm one on one with someone, especially if I don't feel threatened by them at all.
The complexities of the Universe, of God, of whoever, baffle me endlessly. I feel like I'm asking for so little. In comparison. I feel like everyone I know has someone in their life, so it's really not that big of a deal. I'm not asking to become a famous writer or to somehow become the owner of a million dollars and attend a dinner party with Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon, plus a few more SNL alum women. I'm only asking just for this ONE person. It seems most of the population seems to have found that person. Or maybe not "most" but more than just a few people. It definitely feels like the majority. Especially at my age. People always say don't compare yourself to otherwise, but I'm not! Because seriously I don't know anyone who has what I have. They all have husbands and kids. I want something slightly different. I'm not wishing that I was them or had what they had. I do however wish that I got to spend time with them still, but that's pointless to wish. I don't want what they have, I want what I want. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but I know what I mean by it.
So you can see why I feel a little bit at a loss of what to do? I could move to a new city... but who's to say I wouldn't be the exact same predicament there as I am now? I love my house and I love my job. And I love this city, despite it's issues. I like it here. I have everything I need... except one thing. I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I have lots going for me and I'm totally grateful. It's not a matter of being not happy or depressed. I may have called it a mud hole, but I didn't say it was a pit. My head is out. I probably could hoist myself out of there with my arms on the side of the ground, if I knew how. Maybe if I had a reason to. Maybe if there was a girl walking by who didn't see me and I needed to get out quick and chase her down to talk to her. It's not about being strong or weak. It's not about having the ability to do anything that I need to do. I know I have the ability, I just need to be given a chance. I need to at least make a friend who gets me, in all this. A girl like me. Not a girl who is already married to a guy and has kids. I need someone that understands me and could at least bring me along on a group thing. I just need a little help. Then one day I'll return the favor to another lost and lonely girl. One who just needed someone that cared. Someone that noticed they existed and that they were alone in all this. It's one thing to feel a connection to a character on a TV show, that is playing someone "like you." It does feel nice to be represented and to feel that connection and understanding, but it's a totally different thing to have someone in real life. Someone you can talk to and they'll talk back to you. They hear your story and "get" it. And they totally get where you're coming from when you talk about some character on a TV show that you wish was real, so you could date her. They get that and they have been there too. But they know the value and importance of real live connection, and they want to help you find that too. Or at the very least, they want a friend to talk it all out with. Connection. It's all I'm asking for. It shouldn't be that hard to find. But apparently it is. Apparently it's like finding that pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Or something less imaginary than that... ;o)
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