Sometimes you just have to decide
that, “you’re fine.” That this life is enough. If I were living in a cabin in
the woods and I had my animals, cats, dogs, deer, rabbits whatever the heck was
out there and I had food and I had my imagination, my writing as I do now, I
might still create worlds outside that cabin, but I would be content. Maybe I
wouldn’t even know that people are supposed to have a companion, a partner.
Maybe I would think I was the only person on Earth. I think I would be happy
though. If I had a roof over my head and food and animals to talk to. Last weekend,
I kinda just decided that I don’t really need anybody, I’m fine alone. And I don't mean that in a bitter way. Or an "I give up" kind of way. I mean, I
spent the whole weekend writing mostly, didn’t see anyone or talk to anyone and
I didn’t even notice. It seems as if the only reason I get sad over not having
someone is when I see others “having someone.” It’s the truth! If Facebook didn’t
exist or I wasn’t reminded of others, friend or otherwise having that one
person, that husband or wife, then I really wouldn’t care. I mean I’m totally
self-sufficient, I don’t need anyone to take care of me or provide for me. I
entertain myself, I have my writings to provide worlds in which I can travel to
in my mind. I’m not unhappy. I’m fulfilled in my life. I only seem to be really
bothered about being alone whenever I’m reminded that most people in the world
have someone. Whether or not that relationship is a good or healthy one, I can’t
attest to that, but most people couple up in this world. I felt pressured by
society and the world in general and watching every single friend I made since
grade school meet the love of their life or the person they are spending it
with (which I hope is one of the same). If I took all that away, if I spent my
entire life away from the knowledge that people couple up, it wouldn’t even
cross my mind that I “needed” someone to spend my life with. I hope my point is coming across and that makes sense. It’s been more about being “normal” and doing what everyone else does in
this society, this world, than it is about what’s best for me or what I want. I
mean sure, yeah I’d love to have someone to kiss and hold me and hold my hand
in public as we walk down the street and share life with, but that also means I
can’t do whatever I want to do close to 100% of my free time, which is how I live
now. I couldn’t spend entire weekends, burying myself away, entering worlds
completely unlike my own through shows or my stories I write. I could maybe do
that an hour every once in awhile, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t take my
attention and my focus off my girl, off maybe any children we would have
together, at least not for an entire weekend. Although I’d probably try to get
a weekend away from everyone every so often. Whether or not that's reality, I don't' know. At least at this point I’ve been
alone far too long that if I ever did meet someone it would be a huge and
overwhelming transition for me. I’d probably go get a hotel room all by myself every
once in awhile, pretend I'm single again. I’d tell them of course where I was going. I think all mothers
and wives should make time for themselves in order to BE good mothers and
wives, otherwise you stretch yourself thin and you’re suddenly snapping over
spilled milk. My Mom would always gasp and make a big deal over spilt milk. It always
made me feel small, like I had done something awful. It was probably just a
knee jerk reaction, but when I grew up and I thought about it I was like geez,
it was only spilled milk! If it were red fruit punch on white carpet, well then
that’s more understandable. But that blame really goes on the mom for giving their
child red fruit punch and having white carpet to begin with. All that nonsense
aside, ever since last weekend when I just decided that I was ok, that if this was it,
then this was it; I didn’t “need” someone just to feel like I fit into society
better (or to prove I was in fact a real lesbian) I have become a more content person. It was like suddenly the pressure was off me to "find the one" and to have children. That weight was off my shoulders, like it was when I figured out who I truly was (kind of later in life than most). I’m ok with me. I’m ok
alone. I wouldn’t turn down a girl that came along who actually responded to me
and didn’t ignore me after meeting and thinking there was a connection, because
well she responded once or twice, but then that was it! If it happens it happens, I’m just not
willing to seek it out anymore. I’m not willing to spend my free time doing
things I don’t want to do, only because I feel like I have to in order to “meet
someone.” When you take away that pressure to “be like everyone else” even
though that ship has already sailed in terms of being in a heteronormative
relationship, you suddenly feel free. You feel free to live your life how you
see fit. What makes YOU happy. Fuck everyone else. If you think they are out
there thinking “oh poor girl, she’ll never get married and have a baby and be
as happy as me,” you’re right. You won’t. You’ll be HAPPIER than them, because
their life is NOT YOUR LIFE. Their life is theirs and your life is yours. (Plus happiness isn't measurable any way).
It’s human nature to compare: our
houses, our children, our husbands or wives, our lives. But if everyone had the
exact same life, it would be one boring ass world. There would be nothing to
talk about. “Oh your husband plays golf on Sundays. Yeah mine does too…” bore
snore. We’re all here on this Earth to tell our own stories and to help others.
Anyone. Help anyone. So that that ONE person you helped can have a better story
to tell…and then the cycle will continue.
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