smitten smile

I was thinking about those little times I’ve been smitten. Most recently with someone I only met briefly but have since emailed a few times with. If anything I was thinking maybe I’d gain a friend like me. One that gets the same references to my favorite characters on shows, or who just agrees that Kate McKinnon is the greatest gay gal in our generation. Regardless, I just felt myself gain a little bit of hope when she replied to me that first time. And then when she replied back a second time, I felt a little smile creep up on my face. That little smitten smile. One I’ve very rarely ever had. She responded in a timely matter, it became a back and forth thing, even if just for the better part of a week. I felt a little bit of hope, a little bit of excitement of where it could lead. It wasn’t a full blown crush or a full blown anything. It was just a little bit, but it was enough. And when she didn’t reply a couple days later, like she had with the previous ones, I knew this was probably it, the end. But I still gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was probably just busy. But then when a week went by with no response, I knew for sure that that was it. She wasn’t busy. She just wasn’t interested. And that’s ok. I mean it has to be, right? People either feel a connection or they don’t. People don’t invest in what they aren’t interested in. People don’t engage if they don’t feel there’s a reason to. People might respond out of politeness a few times but that’s it. They aren’t going to keep it going if they don’t see the relationship going anywhere. I like to think I give people more of a chance than I’m given. You have to get to know someone in order to get to know them. Well that’s a redundant statement. But I’m glad I tried. I’m glad I reached out. I’m glad I didn’t just cast aside following up on a chance meeting of someone that I thought was interesting and had similar interests as me. Maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, she’s just already maxed out on the number of people in her life that she can invest time in. That’s understandable. I feel I have all the time in the world, but no one to give it to. Even when I do try, it’s not reciprocated. Not because that friend doesn’t like me anymore, but simply because they’re at capacity in the relationship category. They have their husband, their children and their one best friend and that’s the cap. They’ve reached their limit and the lights are flashing that there is no more room for anyone else in their life. Not in a real way, at least. It is what it is. As sad as this may sound, I love writing because it always has time for me. Never once have I not been able to write. Even if I don’t have a pad and paper or my tablet, I always have my phone and the notes section in it. It’s rare that I don’t have anything. But I guess when I don’t, I have my brain. I have my thoughts and I can stare out and just write away in my mind. I might not necessarily remember all of it later to write it down, but sometimes you don’t need to. I don’t need to re-read it. I just needed it in that moment. Writing is definitely better than thinking and like I said, who doesn’t ever not have their phone on them nowadays? There’s always a place to jot down what you’re thinking.

And this was what I was thinking about today by the lake. On this shore. In this picture.

I’m glad I had that moment of smitten-ness. Even if it was fleeting. Because it meant I was alive. It meant I still had a sliver of hope left buried down deep in the depths of my soul. I still believed that meeting someone could turn into something more than a few seconds of my life.

And that’s it. Short and sweet blog. Much like how that encounter was.