OK. first off. This is going to be a part complaining post and part contemplation post (I'm hoping at least; because as I type complaints, I often contemplate them and reach some sort of a revelation or reminder, in the end). I cleverly call it "Single white female" problems, poking fun at the term "white people" problems. Because yes in the grand scheme of life or taking a look at the problems of America, or the world, mine aren't really problems. But this blog has my name in it, thus making it quite selfish. so there. deal with it. (hint of sarcasm implied).
Maybe my problem as a "single white female", is not having any "single white female" friends. Or any color for that matter. At least not in a close capacity of friendship. (I love using quotes by the way, whether they need them or not). But what makes life so unfair to me (again with my pity party for one), is that the friends I hold close are not physically able to be there for me like I would like, anymore. They aren't able to go on a trip to out of state with me, or hang out on a Saturday with me. Two wildly different spectrums, but each not possibility. Not when you have a husband and kids, which "golden time" is reserved for. "Golden time equals weekends and vacations. And this totally sucks! Or maybe it's even reserved for tighter friends than me, I don't know. (My best friend lives 7 and a half hours away. I like to think we'd hang out every weekend, if she lived here. Not alone of course, but I do love my godsons more than any other kids on the planet, so that would be okay too). I also love parentheses too...
I want to not have to ask anyone to hang out with me on a Saturday or take an out of town trip with me. I just want it to be implied! A given. Because we are dating or living together or married or what have ya. If I had close single girlfriends, it's not that they could hang out with me all the time, that would be too much. But I could ask them and most likely they could, unless they had already made plans. They would be able to go out of town with me on a vacation. They wouldn't be lacking financial resources or time off, (at least not necessarily), because they wouldn't have already used it up on their husbands and children, the really important people in their life. I want to be that "really important person" in someone's life. My best friend always says she admires me for being brave and always going to things alone, concerts, musicals, vacations ect. Well I don't care about being brave anymore. I'm not brave. I just really wanted to see that singer and nothing was going to stop me. But I also really want to visit Washington state, see the fields of tulips, the orca whales, the mountains, the ocean. But can I do that with the ones I hold dearest? No. because they have obligations and loved ones and it's just not feasible. Well, that's just not fair. (Told ya I was gonna complain). At least I'm not throwing the biggest fit ever, like Rachel did in Glee tonight, just because Santana auditioned as her understudy. Who care, Rach?? Seriously. Do you remember who Idina Menzel's or Kristin Chenoweth's understudies were in "Wicked." well no of course you don't because Idina is your birth mom, and Kristin in a drunken lady that went to High school with your old Glee teacher. But in the real world, understudies aren't remembered by name. So don't freak out. You're still the star. I don't know that you're "better" than Santana, but you're better in your own way. Ok enough about Glee, that's not really the point. Just a comparison to the single white female throwing a hissy fit about what's making you mad...sounds like me, ok I get it.
The problem isn't that I'm not capable of going on vacations alone. You can't say, "But Christie, have you even done it before? Don't knock it till you try." Why yes, yes I have. Many many times, both in local Texas trips and out of state ones as well. And guess what. While some events in them, like say a concert, is just truly incredible and I would have to say "worth the trip," that doesn't mean that the rest of the trip wasn't boring, and depressing and lonely. Because it so is. Traveling alone, (car or plane), eating out alone, walking around the town, seeing the sights alone, going on "tours." All that freaking sucks, especially when everybody in your cave tour is a family and when they make you take that stupid picture in front of the ugliest part of the cave, all alone, you feel like an even bigger loser than you already did. I still do it. I still go where I wanna go and do what I wanna do. Feeling like a loner loser doesn't stop me. Except this time it is. I really want to visit Washington. I really want to go spring time because as an added bonus there are fields of a million tulips, which puts our Dallas Arboretum ones (that open up in about a day and die), to shame. That's what the website said. a million. Kinda makes our bluebonnets in Ennis sound a little lame, I gotta say. But anyway. I just can't do it this time. I have too many experiences and feelings of what it's like to walk around a city I don't know, all alone. I don't want to experience that feeling again. At least not so soon. I just got back from a weekend in San Antonio all alone, and while seeing Kristin Chenoweth made the 5 hr drive one way and the eating enchiladas alone at a little Mexican restaurant (the only other table being a group of friends), and walking the streets alone and trying to balance my continental breakfast on my arms so I could take it up to my room to eat, since I wasn't gonna share a table with a little family, and the all-family cave tour plus 1 single gal, worth it. (she's just THAT incredibly amazing and I will see her 500 more times, alone if I have to). It still doesn't make me want to hop a plane and spend twice the amount of days to see the sights of Washington, all by my lonesome. I ain't meetn' up with Kristin up there! If I was I'd be on a plane tomorrow. But then I wouldn't be all alone, thus negating my whole rant. If my friend didn't go with me to New York city for my 30th birthday, I would have never gone. There's no way I would navigate that huge city all by myself. I would just wander around lost and cry probably. It wouldn't be like that in Washington. I'm sure I could find my way and I already did it in Colorado. Went there alone and visited it many years in a row alone. Although after already living there, I did know people, so it was different. I did most things alone, still. That's just me, though. But I'm kinda sick of it. I'm way sick of it in fact. I want my person. Like Meredith and Cristina from Grey's, only we won't grow to hate each other, although I don't blame Cristina, Meredith is all uppity and thinks she's better than her because she's married and has kids. You can totally tell that. (and that's not what my friends think of me, I know). I just want someone, a girlfriend, in particular, as it would be much more fun (hotel wise), than if it was just a girl that is a friend. wink wink. Ugh. life is so frustrating. On a different yet similar note. Connection and chemistry are frustrating. I just haven't been lucky in that area. There's been connection before, but not chemistry. That's the problem when you fall for a straight girl...(and that's the only girl you ever fell for, who isn't a character on a show or an unattainable actress). But that's so totally over, not pining for her in the least bit, if you were wondering about that. One of those bubble bursts things. I guess I digress, but I hope I do find that some day. I really really do. I really don't want to go through life without ever experiencing true love and chemistry and connection and passion and everything rolled into one. I really really really hope that comes true for me someday. Preferably one day soon, I'm not getting any younger.
So what conclusion have I come to? I still feel like it sucks, and I don't want to do it. Go alone on a trip that isn't a day or 2 in within driving distance of home. I just don't want wanna and nobody can make me. I guess I haven't learned anything yet. Oh well. Maybe that's for another day. Maybe I'll go next Spring. Maybe I'll have someone by then, or maybe I'll just not give a fuck anymore and just go have a kick ass time with the orcas all by my lonesome. Maybe. We'll see. I'll probably still be writing this blog by then, so maybe I'll have a new story to tell. Here's hoping...cuz this baby's getting kinda old and tired and worn out...time for some fresh meat. some new blood. Come and get me!! Or at least be out there when I do try ;o)
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
cool. cool cool cool.
If you don't know where the line in my title is from, we can't be friends. I'm joshing ya. It's from Community, one of my most favorite shows of all time.
The character Abed, who is an Asperger's-like character, uses this phrase in moments of great happiness or excitement over something in his life that is important to him. And he always means it. Except for this last time, most recently, when he found out his best friend, his rock, the only person in the world that got him, was leaving. Since he was attached to a lie detector machine when he said it, he was outed that this time his "cool. cool cool cool," was a lie. A cover up to pretend that he was fine with his whole world changing and the one person he could count on to not see him as weird, leaving.
The reason I titled this with that line, other than the fact that it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was trying to figure out a word to describe how I'm doing. And "cool," is it. And I'm not lying on that one. Like the character of Abed, he both lives in his world that he loves so much (his movies and tv shows), and in the real world with his friends, but often he combines them, referencing real life situations to that of a show or movie, which can annoy his friends sometimes, but they've grown to not just tolerate it but accept it and enjoy it along with him. I feel like both Abed AND his friends, the other characters on Community.
I don't just tolerate my life now. I not only accept it but enjoy it to the fullest. I am so content and happy with how my life is going. I feel like it is super full. Anything and anyone else that may enter or add to it, would just be a added bonus. Something unexpected; a free dessert offered at a restaurant for absolutely no reason, the bank adding $20 to your account just cuz. Do these things happen? Sure, why not! It's not something you ever expect or ask for, it just happens.
I don't know the exact date this change happened. I mostly certainly didn't "decide" this. If I could just "decide" to be happy being alone and not having the love I've always wanted in my life right now, then I would have chosen it a long time ago. Some time in the past 7 years for sure. I can't say for sure what it was. Was it discovering a new favorite show- Lost Girl, which I've become kinda enthralled in (because "obsessed" is too much of a stalkery word), and watched all 3 seasons in less than a month? Maybe. Was it reading all 3 of the Hunger Games series the past couple months and being so into it that I felt what the characters felt, their hurt, their pain, their anger towards the Capitol? (like it really existed). Sure why not. Also going along with Hunger Games, I am so incredibly involved in the characters that I'm actually writing a continuation story, a "what happens next" kinda thing. For me and my best friend who wanted to know more and wasn't satisfied with the ending, (and whoever else would like to read it). I don't think it was one thing in particular. Because if it was, then again, it would be more of a decision to be "happy and content" which I think it's kind of not being "real." I could lie and say I'm okay with my life and it's fine I don't want to get married, it's not a big deal, whatever who cares. That would be me actually not being okay with it, obviously. No, something happened without my knowing it. I was just enjoying my life doing all the things I love to do and just realized how full and content and happy I was, all 3 different feelings, but all really good things. Mollie my cat brings a ton of love into my life. Texting my bestie that lives across the great state of Texas which is quite far, (if you know anything about Texas), makes me feel special and loved and of great importance to someone, all things I thought I could only have in a mate. And even though I can't see my beloved boys that bring such joy to my life, as much as I would like, I know that one little boy in particular is always asking about me, wanting to see a video of me, wanting to hear "sissy's song," which is me singing the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed" to my boys on video. He even named his stuff cat I gave him "mollie" after my mollie, based on all the videos I send of her. That and more is why my life is so full as is. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a comforting feeling, being okay as you are, it's like you can breathe again. It's like you can enjoy all the things you always have, but in an even better way. I sometimes get overly excited over a TV show, or a new movie trailer, or something that happened in a book or a song coming on that I love so much. Especially with the shows, I used to feel almost embarrassed that I got that excited. And I was home all alone! No one even witnessed my excitement, so why on earth would I be embarrassed? I would feel inside that I was being lame and not cool and a loser just because something that I felt most people would think is not big and exciting, excited me. It wasn't an engagement proposal, or a positive pregnancy test, but if something really cool happened on a show, it mattered to me and it made me happy. So get over it, self! I've stopped feeling that way. Again I didn't choose it, it just happened. I didn't get that feeling inside, the last time something really cool happened on Community.
These past couple of months have been really really awesome. Maybe it hasn't even been that long. I can't put a date on it, but I was living in greatness and contentment without even realizing it...until I did.
I shared this great feeling with my bestie and her response made me feel even more amazing and even more loved. And maybe even that her prayers were a big part of how I got here, even though I didn't even know about them at the time it was happening. She said, and I quote: "I'm glad you feel content. That makes me so happy. I pray on a daily basis for you and that you will find love, but also that you will feel happy until you do. You do have an awesome life, you should feel proud of what you have done." I have an awesome best friend, don't I??! I always say she is the best thing to come out of my time in Colorado. I feel like I moved there to meet her. Even though I thought it was to meet my Colorado mountain man. Funny where life takes you...
I feel grateful to be in this place, because I don't feel like it's anything I've done. I wished countless times to just be "ok" with never getting married. I just could never accept it. And it would just make me feel worse, that I couldn't make myself "be okay." But it's not something I have to accept. Do I still want to get married and have a kid? (albeit just one kid now), yes of course! I'm not going to run from it if it comes down my path in life. I'm not going to turn the other way or dart around it. But am I truly content all on my own and if that continues longer? Most definitely. Because I have the freedom to do whatever I want without asking anybody's permission or opinion or compromising anything. It's a great gift that may not last forever. I think I do have it harder than my friends who went straight from college to being married, because they didn't get all cozy and settled into a life of singleness and doing what only they wanted to do, without compromise, at least not in a home based setting. But it's cool. It's cool cool cool. If and when that happens, I will enjoy all the perks and work on all the other stuff...like everybody else in a marriage has to do.
*And to mention briefly about how in previous blogs it was quite obvious (as I mentioned it a million times), that my biggest hurdle in this contentment rollercoaster singleness train, has always been centered around "wanting to be held and kissed" just that physical aspect that I needed to survive or felt I did. I'm sure once I have it again, it'll be like crack and I won't be able to get off it. But my mind kind of slipped into a forget-ness mode and I actually cannot remember for the life of me what it feels like to be kissed. And I would say being held too, but I can kind of still remember that feeling only because I do get a hug every now and again. I don't say this at all to sound like "poor me" or Debbie downer. In fact it's the opposite. It's a good thing! I am thankful I can't remember! It's hard to miss something you can't exactly remember. Now all this will be thrown out the window the next time I'm in a relationship and if it ends, then I'll be back at square one in this respect, but for now, it's a huge saving grace. Maybe my brain chose to block it out, since it was hurting me so much, wanting that and not being able to get over wanting to share life with someone in that capacity and enjoying those perks of relationships. My body ached for it (kissing and being held, so get your mind out of the gutter people). So maybe my brain intervened. Whatever the reason, it's extremely helpful in my circle of contentment and happiness. I'm glad for it, while it lasts...but I'll still welcome back those kisses when the time is right ;o)
The character Abed, who is an Asperger's-like character, uses this phrase in moments of great happiness or excitement over something in his life that is important to him. And he always means it. Except for this last time, most recently, when he found out his best friend, his rock, the only person in the world that got him, was leaving. Since he was attached to a lie detector machine when he said it, he was outed that this time his "cool. cool cool cool," was a lie. A cover up to pretend that he was fine with his whole world changing and the one person he could count on to not see him as weird, leaving.
The reason I titled this with that line, other than the fact that it was the first thing that popped into my head. I was trying to figure out a word to describe how I'm doing. And "cool," is it. And I'm not lying on that one. Like the character of Abed, he both lives in his world that he loves so much (his movies and tv shows), and in the real world with his friends, but often he combines them, referencing real life situations to that of a show or movie, which can annoy his friends sometimes, but they've grown to not just tolerate it but accept it and enjoy it along with him. I feel like both Abed AND his friends, the other characters on Community.
I don't just tolerate my life now. I not only accept it but enjoy it to the fullest. I am so content and happy with how my life is going. I feel like it is super full. Anything and anyone else that may enter or add to it, would just be a added bonus. Something unexpected; a free dessert offered at a restaurant for absolutely no reason, the bank adding $20 to your account just cuz. Do these things happen? Sure, why not! It's not something you ever expect or ask for, it just happens.
I don't know the exact date this change happened. I mostly certainly didn't "decide" this. If I could just "decide" to be happy being alone and not having the love I've always wanted in my life right now, then I would have chosen it a long time ago. Some time in the past 7 years for sure. I can't say for sure what it was. Was it discovering a new favorite show- Lost Girl, which I've become kinda enthralled in (because "obsessed" is too much of a stalkery word), and watched all 3 seasons in less than a month? Maybe. Was it reading all 3 of the Hunger Games series the past couple months and being so into it that I felt what the characters felt, their hurt, their pain, their anger towards the Capitol? (like it really existed). Sure why not. Also going along with Hunger Games, I am so incredibly involved in the characters that I'm actually writing a continuation story, a "what happens next" kinda thing. For me and my best friend who wanted to know more and wasn't satisfied with the ending, (and whoever else would like to read it). I don't think it was one thing in particular. Because if it was, then again, it would be more of a decision to be "happy and content" which I think it's kind of not being "real." I could lie and say I'm okay with my life and it's fine I don't want to get married, it's not a big deal, whatever who cares. That would be me actually not being okay with it, obviously. No, something happened without my knowing it. I was just enjoying my life doing all the things I love to do and just realized how full and content and happy I was, all 3 different feelings, but all really good things. Mollie my cat brings a ton of love into my life. Texting my bestie that lives across the great state of Texas which is quite far, (if you know anything about Texas), makes me feel special and loved and of great importance to someone, all things I thought I could only have in a mate. And even though I can't see my beloved boys that bring such joy to my life, as much as I would like, I know that one little boy in particular is always asking about me, wanting to see a video of me, wanting to hear "sissy's song," which is me singing the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed" to my boys on video. He even named his stuff cat I gave him "mollie" after my mollie, based on all the videos I send of her. That and more is why my life is so full as is. It's a wonderful feeling. It's a comforting feeling, being okay as you are, it's like you can breathe again. It's like you can enjoy all the things you always have, but in an even better way. I sometimes get overly excited over a TV show, or a new movie trailer, or something that happened in a book or a song coming on that I love so much. Especially with the shows, I used to feel almost embarrassed that I got that excited. And I was home all alone! No one even witnessed my excitement, so why on earth would I be embarrassed? I would feel inside that I was being lame and not cool and a loser just because something that I felt most people would think is not big and exciting, excited me. It wasn't an engagement proposal, or a positive pregnancy test, but if something really cool happened on a show, it mattered to me and it made me happy. So get over it, self! I've stopped feeling that way. Again I didn't choose it, it just happened. I didn't get that feeling inside, the last time something really cool happened on Community.
These past couple of months have been really really awesome. Maybe it hasn't even been that long. I can't put a date on it, but I was living in greatness and contentment without even realizing it...until I did.
I shared this great feeling with my bestie and her response made me feel even more amazing and even more loved. And maybe even that her prayers were a big part of how I got here, even though I didn't even know about them at the time it was happening. She said, and I quote: "I'm glad you feel content. That makes me so happy. I pray on a daily basis for you and that you will find love, but also that you will feel happy until you do. You do have an awesome life, you should feel proud of what you have done." I have an awesome best friend, don't I??! I always say she is the best thing to come out of my time in Colorado. I feel like I moved there to meet her. Even though I thought it was to meet my Colorado mountain man. Funny where life takes you...
I feel grateful to be in this place, because I don't feel like it's anything I've done. I wished countless times to just be "ok" with never getting married. I just could never accept it. And it would just make me feel worse, that I couldn't make myself "be okay." But it's not something I have to accept. Do I still want to get married and have a kid? (albeit just one kid now), yes of course! I'm not going to run from it if it comes down my path in life. I'm not going to turn the other way or dart around it. But am I truly content all on my own and if that continues longer? Most definitely. Because I have the freedom to do whatever I want without asking anybody's permission or opinion or compromising anything. It's a great gift that may not last forever. I think I do have it harder than my friends who went straight from college to being married, because they didn't get all cozy and settled into a life of singleness and doing what only they wanted to do, without compromise, at least not in a home based setting. But it's cool. It's cool cool cool. If and when that happens, I will enjoy all the perks and work on all the other stuff...like everybody else in a marriage has to do.
*And to mention briefly about how in previous blogs it was quite obvious (as I mentioned it a million times), that my biggest hurdle in this contentment rollercoaster singleness train, has always been centered around "wanting to be held and kissed" just that physical aspect that I needed to survive or felt I did. I'm sure once I have it again, it'll be like crack and I won't be able to get off it. But my mind kind of slipped into a forget-ness mode and I actually cannot remember for the life of me what it feels like to be kissed. And I would say being held too, but I can kind of still remember that feeling only because I do get a hug every now and again. I don't say this at all to sound like "poor me" or Debbie downer. In fact it's the opposite. It's a good thing! I am thankful I can't remember! It's hard to miss something you can't exactly remember. Now all this will be thrown out the window the next time I'm in a relationship and if it ends, then I'll be back at square one in this respect, but for now, it's a huge saving grace. Maybe my brain chose to block it out, since it was hurting me so much, wanting that and not being able to get over wanting to share life with someone in that capacity and enjoying those perks of relationships. My body ached for it (kissing and being held, so get your mind out of the gutter people). So maybe my brain intervened. Whatever the reason, it's extremely helpful in my circle of contentment and happiness. I'm glad for it, while it lasts...but I'll still welcome back those kisses when the time is right ;o)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Why am I not getting it??? Obviously I am not understanding or accepting or believing or choosing to believe that I do not need someone special to make my life complete, or just to feel truly loved and special because that one person has chosen to be with me and I with them. I feel like everyone that already has someone (and thus I believe does not get to weigh in on this), says that I have to love myself more or I have to love God more or something I don't even know. Everyone says that no one will complete me yada yada yada. Ok fine. what do you want me to say? I agree? I can lie and agree with you. But I am lacking. I am lacking in attention. I am lacking in love. I am lacking in touch and being held and being kissed, and I can give myself a ton of attention and love all day long, but it's not the same as it coming from an actual human being who chooses me. Who loves me for who I am. Why does nobody get this? I don't understand why they don't understand my point of view. It's like they've been loved for far too long to remember what it feels like to have no one to come home to, that even knows if you're alive, that kisses you when you walk in the door and wants to hold you in their arms at night. If they have been with someone for most of their adult after 21 life, then how on earth am I supposed to believe them? How on earth am I suppose to trust them? I need someone. And I know desperation is not a trait that anyone wants, but how am I supposed to play it cool and pretend like I don't need anyone and I can be single forever what 'evs. I can't do it. If I haven't been cool with it for the past 7 years of absolute singleness, then how on earth am I supposed to just flip to the other side and be some kind of believer in "I am the only one I need to feel whole and loved and important and special." I feel like someone is trying to teach me Chinese, who only speaks Chinese and with no picture cards. So I'm trying to understand something I am completely incapable of truly understanding, even with hand gestures. Those aren't enough. Nothing I currently have is enough. It's probably due to not seeing my friends enough, but they are married, busy people, and they can't provide me what someone I'm in a relationship can provide me. And I know I sound selfish, but if you truly know me and have been a close friend of mine, you know how much I care about my friends. And how I love making little things for them, or cards or messages checking in on them. I do this for those I love. So it's not just what this one person can do for me, it's what I can do for them. For her. As it might be. As what I picture the most when I picture someone. A girl with long naturally curly hair, but whose being picky...not me. haha. I don't know how to want this less. I don't know how to be ok with just me, at least not for the rest of my life. I sometimes can keep it at bay. The swelling in my heart. That raw need and desire to be known intimately. Not just physically, not even mostly physically. Emotionally intimacy. I want to know everything about this person, as much as I want them to know it about me. The swelling is almost too much for me in this moment. My heart feels like it might burst out of my chest and run away, because I'm not using it in the way I was meant to. Thankfully I am not one to try to stop the swelling with drugs or alcohol. That's just not me. I am hopeful that maybe writing this out into the universe also known as the webeverse, will subside the swelling some. It does work some of the time, or at least momentarily, in the past. It's different than just writing it out to yourself. I wish petting Mollie would help more. It does some, but she doesn't let me pet her for hours. I did just get up and open the window for her, kissing her on her wet nose, as she allows me a kiss a few times a night. And this did help some with the swelling in my chest. There's no answers. People can talk at me till their blue in the face, they can think that they were in some magical amazing place of contentment, before they met the one. maybe they were. but maybe they were for like a minute, in the grand scheme of time, and not 7 years like me (and many years before those 7 as well). They were single and content for a short period of time. Maybe they dated a ton. That's not me. I've dated 2 guys. that's it. one for a year (and a year as friends before that), and then kind of almost a couple more times...it's a long story. And one guy I was ready to marry after only knowing him for 5 months. That's a real crazy story. But too personal and people know who I'm talking about, so not appropriate in an online venue. So anyways, I sigh and look over at the pile of clean clothes on my bed currently wrinkling with every passing moment that I don't get up and go fold it. So thus this ends tonight's sad lament of my current state. At least I can poke fun at it a little. Overdramatically is the best way. And so I push back my swollen heart, back into my chest pocket. And survive another day, with it still in place. I can survive. If anything. I can get out of bed and go to work and enjoy all my activities that do bring me happiness. I can breathe and I can walk. I can sing and I can sort of dance, but not really. I can bring smiles to babies, more than I bring tears. I can attract dogs and cats to me as if I was hiding treats in my pocket, but I never am. I know my spirit is good. animals know this about people. they and babies are the best judges, because they don't have anything to be prejudiced about. They look into your soul and read you for who you are. So, I must not be too bad after all. I may not be a social butterfly, but I am the truest of friends. I stay as long as they let me. I truly don't understand why I am still alone. Why I must walk the earth as a wife and mother, but only have friendships and godsons. I wish it was enough. I really do. I wish I could live in blissful ignorance that my simple life is grand! I have no need for deeper love and connection, emotional intimacy and visibility from someone. But I don't have that capability. Or incapability. I am me. I can't change the longing in my heart. I can't lessen it even a little. This is me. God I didn't want singleness to be my "cross to bear" I truly hate that term. What Jesus did can not be compared to any little struggle we have to endure. So I don't get that term or like it. But people usually have one that they carry their whole life. I really really don't want this to be that. It's been long enough. I'm putting it down. I want my arms to be able to wrap around a human being and keep them there for longer than the few second hug most people give. I want them to be able to rock a baby to sleep, my baby. Not one I have to give back. That's what I want. That's what I need. I'm not blinded to the fact that that life is extremely difficult at times and I'm sure I'll want out. Out at being a wife. Out of being a mother. But that doesn't mean I will run. No way. I will fight for those people. Because we chose each other. We belong together and we fight and cry together. Because we also love extremely hard together. That sounds incredible. Thorns and all. That kind of love is worth fighting for.
And that's all she wrote...for now.
And that's all she wrote...for now.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The hunter
My Mollie's a hunter. She wants a bug, she looks all around the yard for one. She never gives up, and she always finds one. Then she plays with it until it's dead or almost dead. Now that last part I don't want to emulate, but I do want someone to play with. Or keep...
What a lesson on perseverance. On not giving up. On having a goal and being to the point of tunnel vision, until you get it. I wish I could be like my cat. Hold up. I have my spotify on, playing random songs and Coldplay's "Fix you" starting playing right when I was typing that last line. "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. " Mollie always succeeds in getting her bug. I feel like I have the opposite success. I try and I don't succeed, in making connections with people. I know you can't force chemistry, with anyone. But even when I go in confident and positive and friendly and smiling, I still don't succeed. I wish that meeting a special person with which I can build a relationship with, in a dating and romantic capacity, was as easy as it is for Mollie to find that bug. I don't know if she's looking for a particular bug, I'm not in her head, I guess any bug will do for her. Also I never liked that second part of the line in Coldplay's song. "When you get what you want, but not what you need." I mean I get it, but I think they did it because it rhymed. Shouldn't it be "when you get what you need, but not what you want." I could argue that I need love, so this line in and of itself would be just fine. But in the literal sense I have all my "needs" met: food, clothing, water, air and a roof over my head. You don't truly need anything more. Or do you? I feel like I need that one person: to share food with, buy me clothes (or share), save water with by showering together, breathing life into me with a kiss, and sharing a house with four walls and a roof with me, living with me, enjoying and navigating the day to day life. That is the true meaning of a "life well spent."
Mollie doesn't give up on finding herself a bug. So why should I? Yet I'm over here all ready to give up on finding my "bug, " or even just a bug to play with for a little while. I can't be a hunter. It's not in my nature. I'm a nester. A gatherer. If you've seen my house you'll get that. It is a museum of my life. I surround myself with everything that represents me, that makes me happy, that defines me, that explains me. There's no question as to what I like, who I am, when you see inside my house. Yet, I am willing to give up my museum for the right person. The right girl possibly. Or guy. I'm not gonna rule anything out. It seems less likely, but anything can happen. I spent years thinking I was gonna get a puppy, and I wound up with the most adorable kitten in the world, who licks my nose exactly like a dog would do, to wake me up in the morning. So who am I to say who the right person for me is.
Sometimes in the darkest of times, I think I need a new dream. Especially since I am doing nothing currently to make my biggest dream come true. Well except existing on a dating website, but just existing currently. But like Mollie, I feel like I was made to find that bug. It would be like asking Mollie to now serve coffee at a diner or teach Spanish. This is her new dream. This is what she was created to do. And that's just silly, and impossible. Although she understands many words in English, I guess it's possible for her to learn a few in Spanish...
I was made to be a wife and mother. I've known this since I was a little girl. I was also made to be a teacher, and I already do that. I teach babies and parents every day. But when is it my turn? I know I could adopt. But I'm not going to, not by myself. I couldn't afford it on my own, nor would I hardly get to see my baby if I was always working to support it! When I was little I was focused on the babies. The cabbage patch dolls. I don't remember much about who I was married to or where they were in my play scenario. I usually sent them off to work so I could home school my babies. That seems kind of funny now, since I don't really know who I am meant to be with. It just depends on who I meet, and not just meet, but connect with. That second part feels so hard. Like near impossible. People aren't always willing to try. They want instant attraction. That's just silly. And even if I got all dolled up for you, that would not last longer than that date and maybe the rarest of dates or anniversaries. It's just not me. And I shouldn't have to change or pretend to look a certain way, like that's who I am all the time. If my hair is brushed, you should count that as a victory.
Another thing I notice about Mollie is that she doesn't settle for skimming the surface either. She doesn't just go after those bugs on the grass or flying through the air. Those are the obvious places to find bugs. Like it would be at a bar or club, for me. Sometimes those bugs she finds there are fun to play with for awhile, but she knows that if she digs down into the ground, she'll find the best ones. Her favorite ones to play with. The little garden snakes. They are the ones I freak out over and sweep out as soon as she brings them in, so let's not take that comparison too literally here. But to her those are the hardest to find and her prize capture. I know you got to dig deep to find the best ones, and that seems not only overwhelming to me, but impossible, and when you start to doubt that a person for you even exists...that there are no more garden snakes at all in the yard, or any yard for that matter...well you start to give up hope altogether. I find it incredibly hard to have any faith whatsoever that this person for me will not only find me, but that they even exist at all. I think that every one on the planet should have a love of their life. Granted I know that most will lose them in old age, and thus at that point you have to find other ways to enjoy the rest of your life without them, but at least you had them for 50 years or so! In my case I'm not old! I'm 32. Yet sometimes I feel that way. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the it's too late for me sense. I should already be married with 2 kids, a 3rd on the way. But now I feel like my only option is to have 1 at most, because if I find this person, then I'll have to have dating time, short engagement, and marriage time without kids and I don't want this to be like a year long altogether, nor do I want 3 babies in 3 years. I want a long time of just the 2 of us. But women can't have children safely into their 40s. I know in the microscopic of possibilities I could meet this person tomorrow, so I would have plenty of time. But again it goes back to faith and hope! I can't say for sure, because I've never had cancer or spoken with anyone intimately who has. But I'm pretty sure that many of them would say it was faith and hope that got them through it. That got them better, in a way. But those that didn't get better, those that died. I'm sure their loved ones would say- why didn't my prayers work? Why didn't my faith and hope for them work? And I'm sure at times the inflicted had that same hope and faith for themselves as well, that they would get better. But I delve off into murky waters with this one, so I'll stop right there with that.
Maybe because Mollie has met so many bugs, has connected with so many and gotten to play with them for awhile, maybe that's where her faith comes from. That there will always be more. Maybe I'm losing mine because it's been 7 years since I've connected with someone in the capacity I'm longing for. In a romantic, can't go a day without talking to you, want to see you and spend as much time as possible with you, sort of way. I've only caught 2 guys like that and that was so long ago I barely remember how. Oh that's right. I was just myself. And it was in college and a small group in a church setting, so much much more easy to meet someone that way. All laid out in the smallest of cubic feet (when you compare it to the entire world as my playground setting I have as my only option now). Both of those are not possible situations for me anymore.
But I think I still have some hope left. In the way way back of my mind. In the small corner of my heart. In the depths of my soul, its shadow holds it's hand out, waiting for someone to grasp it. To say wait up! I'm here. I got your hand. I've been hunting for you for so so long. I've looked everywhere. There you are. Maybe even if I'm not a hunter, my soul is. And maybe that's enough.
What a lesson on perseverance. On not giving up. On having a goal and being to the point of tunnel vision, until you get it. I wish I could be like my cat. Hold up. I have my spotify on, playing random songs and Coldplay's "Fix you" starting playing right when I was typing that last line. "When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. " Mollie always succeeds in getting her bug. I feel like I have the opposite success. I try and I don't succeed, in making connections with people. I know you can't force chemistry, with anyone. But even when I go in confident and positive and friendly and smiling, I still don't succeed. I wish that meeting a special person with which I can build a relationship with, in a dating and romantic capacity, was as easy as it is for Mollie to find that bug. I don't know if she's looking for a particular bug, I'm not in her head, I guess any bug will do for her. Also I never liked that second part of the line in Coldplay's song. "When you get what you want, but not what you need." I mean I get it, but I think they did it because it rhymed. Shouldn't it be "when you get what you need, but not what you want." I could argue that I need love, so this line in and of itself would be just fine. But in the literal sense I have all my "needs" met: food, clothing, water, air and a roof over my head. You don't truly need anything more. Or do you? I feel like I need that one person: to share food with, buy me clothes (or share), save water with by showering together, breathing life into me with a kiss, and sharing a house with four walls and a roof with me, living with me, enjoying and navigating the day to day life. That is the true meaning of a "life well spent."
Mollie doesn't give up on finding herself a bug. So why should I? Yet I'm over here all ready to give up on finding my "bug, " or even just a bug to play with for a little while. I can't be a hunter. It's not in my nature. I'm a nester. A gatherer. If you've seen my house you'll get that. It is a museum of my life. I surround myself with everything that represents me, that makes me happy, that defines me, that explains me. There's no question as to what I like, who I am, when you see inside my house. Yet, I am willing to give up my museum for the right person. The right girl possibly. Or guy. I'm not gonna rule anything out. It seems less likely, but anything can happen. I spent years thinking I was gonna get a puppy, and I wound up with the most adorable kitten in the world, who licks my nose exactly like a dog would do, to wake me up in the morning. So who am I to say who the right person for me is.
Sometimes in the darkest of times, I think I need a new dream. Especially since I am doing nothing currently to make my biggest dream come true. Well except existing on a dating website, but just existing currently. But like Mollie, I feel like I was made to find that bug. It would be like asking Mollie to now serve coffee at a diner or teach Spanish. This is her new dream. This is what she was created to do. And that's just silly, and impossible. Although she understands many words in English, I guess it's possible for her to learn a few in Spanish...
I was made to be a wife and mother. I've known this since I was a little girl. I was also made to be a teacher, and I already do that. I teach babies and parents every day. But when is it my turn? I know I could adopt. But I'm not going to, not by myself. I couldn't afford it on my own, nor would I hardly get to see my baby if I was always working to support it! When I was little I was focused on the babies. The cabbage patch dolls. I don't remember much about who I was married to or where they were in my play scenario. I usually sent them off to work so I could home school my babies. That seems kind of funny now, since I don't really know who I am meant to be with. It just depends on who I meet, and not just meet, but connect with. That second part feels so hard. Like near impossible. People aren't always willing to try. They want instant attraction. That's just silly. And even if I got all dolled up for you, that would not last longer than that date and maybe the rarest of dates or anniversaries. It's just not me. And I shouldn't have to change or pretend to look a certain way, like that's who I am all the time. If my hair is brushed, you should count that as a victory.
Another thing I notice about Mollie is that she doesn't settle for skimming the surface either. She doesn't just go after those bugs on the grass or flying through the air. Those are the obvious places to find bugs. Like it would be at a bar or club, for me. Sometimes those bugs she finds there are fun to play with for awhile, but she knows that if she digs down into the ground, she'll find the best ones. Her favorite ones to play with. The little garden snakes. They are the ones I freak out over and sweep out as soon as she brings them in, so let's not take that comparison too literally here. But to her those are the hardest to find and her prize capture. I know you got to dig deep to find the best ones, and that seems not only overwhelming to me, but impossible, and when you start to doubt that a person for you even exists...that there are no more garden snakes at all in the yard, or any yard for that matter...well you start to give up hope altogether. I find it incredibly hard to have any faith whatsoever that this person for me will not only find me, but that they even exist at all. I think that every one on the planet should have a love of their life. Granted I know that most will lose them in old age, and thus at that point you have to find other ways to enjoy the rest of your life without them, but at least you had them for 50 years or so! In my case I'm not old! I'm 32. Yet sometimes I feel that way. Not in the literal physical sense, but in the it's too late for me sense. I should already be married with 2 kids, a 3rd on the way. But now I feel like my only option is to have 1 at most, because if I find this person, then I'll have to have dating time, short engagement, and marriage time without kids and I don't want this to be like a year long altogether, nor do I want 3 babies in 3 years. I want a long time of just the 2 of us. But women can't have children safely into their 40s. I know in the microscopic of possibilities I could meet this person tomorrow, so I would have plenty of time. But again it goes back to faith and hope! I can't say for sure, because I've never had cancer or spoken with anyone intimately who has. But I'm pretty sure that many of them would say it was faith and hope that got them through it. That got them better, in a way. But those that didn't get better, those that died. I'm sure their loved ones would say- why didn't my prayers work? Why didn't my faith and hope for them work? And I'm sure at times the inflicted had that same hope and faith for themselves as well, that they would get better. But I delve off into murky waters with this one, so I'll stop right there with that.
Maybe because Mollie has met so many bugs, has connected with so many and gotten to play with them for awhile, maybe that's where her faith comes from. That there will always be more. Maybe I'm losing mine because it's been 7 years since I've connected with someone in the capacity I'm longing for. In a romantic, can't go a day without talking to you, want to see you and spend as much time as possible with you, sort of way. I've only caught 2 guys like that and that was so long ago I barely remember how. Oh that's right. I was just myself. And it was in college and a small group in a church setting, so much much more easy to meet someone that way. All laid out in the smallest of cubic feet (when you compare it to the entire world as my playground setting I have as my only option now). Both of those are not possible situations for me anymore.
But I think I still have some hope left. In the way way back of my mind. In the small corner of my heart. In the depths of my soul, its shadow holds it's hand out, waiting for someone to grasp it. To say wait up! I'm here. I got your hand. I've been hunting for you for so so long. I've looked everywhere. There you are. Maybe even if I'm not a hunter, my soul is. And maybe that's enough.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
paths...and a surprising connection
The story of the paths we've taken and how each one results in a new "timeline" (for all you Community fans out there), if you will, does not start at the first major decision that we made as an adult of our own free will. This is not a blog about all the little moves, like whether we drove through a yellow light or stopped at it and how that affected our day. Those little moves can have huge affects on your life as well, but if I were to discuss every little move or path I've taken in my life we'd be here all night. But my story begins, not when I was born, but way before that. There's the obvious, if my parents had never met, I wouldn't be here today. But everything seems to come back to Christianity, in my life and how that's affected me, changed me, and lead me in a direction or path for my life. I'm not sure who exactly took my mom to church back in High school, but a girl did and since my mom wasn't raised in church, this put her on a brand new path for her life, one where church, specifically church attendance, played a huge role for her. She met my Dad in an apartment complex pool party where they both lived. She was 25. They married days before she turned 26 and had me almost exactly a year later when she was 27, the day of her birthday in fact. My mom wanted her children to be raised in the church, so my Dad went along with it, and they did. My Dad became a Christian shortly after I was born. Thus started THE path of my life. If my mom never met that friend that took her to church, then she wouldn't have cared if her and my dad went to church when they got married. And if they didn't go to church in Austin, they most certainly wouldn't have gone when they moved to Richardson. I grew up in the Baptist church here. Now hang with me here as this will go fast and be a lot of "ifs" and "wouldn'ts." If I hadn't grown up at a Baptist church, I wouldn't have heard of Baylor and wanted to go there, as my pastor did and as my best friends were also going there as well. It is the biggest Baptist college around and known very well around church as "the college to go to." If I hadn't gone there, well too many things to count wouldn't have happened. But I'm leading up to a point. If I didn't go to Baylor, I would have never met the girl that made me fall in love with Colorado, simply because she was from there and she is the most amazing person I had ever met in my life. My love of Colorado sprung without ever having stepped foot on their soil. And if I had never gone to Colorado, specifically Colorado Springs (which was due to another friend at Baylor having family friends live there with whom I could crash with), then I would never have met my best friend Bekah. Who has been the greatest friend I've ever had. And who had my godson Sky, whose love for me and constant asking for me and wanting to watch my videos, and saying daily "aunt sissy coming birthday" whenever you ask him when his birthday is, well, without him and his love that is extra special since he is almost 3 and doesn't understand how to be "fake" and pretend to like people yet...I think my life would have far less meaning, if he wasn't in it. I think this is what parents feel like, with their own children. Just the purpose and love they bring to their life. He may not be my flesh and blood, but we have a connection and are alike in so many ways, he feels like a son to me. I love him as if he was my own. I've worked with a ton of babies over the past 10 years, professionally, and then about 10 years prior to that, in a babysitting, and with church kids kind of way, but with Sky it's way different. We just have a bond. He's the best. And I know he feels the same way, as I have heard on video many times "sissy's the best! she's the best!"
It might have been possible to go to a different college, and have the same degree that would get me the same job, which is where I met my bestie, but why would I have moved to Colorado? Or the Springs specifically? It was definitely out of my comfort zone to move away from where my family is, just because that's comfortable and all I knew. It was all because of Baylor, because of my church, because my parents became Christians and wanted to raise me in a church. Christianity is the link to every path I've taken. A lot of people who are gay do not like the church, or find Christians to be judging and not accepting and even hateful, and I get that, many have proven to be that way, but not all are. I didn't grow up knowing anything about people who were gay. I hadn't heard of anyone who was gay until Ellen came out. I hadn't heard anything on the topic being preached at my church, unless I wasn't listening, which is a possibility as I wrote notes to my friends during a lot of services. But I think my ears would've perked up, as it would've been pretty racy stuff for church! "Gay" was never on my radar back then in the 90s. It's not like now, where it's everywhere and even on a show aimed at teens. So, coming out hasn't affected me and God at all. We are still where we've been for awhile, that didn't affect my relationship, like it has so many others. They grew up in a church that shunned them or people like them, so coming out was terrifying and impossible, and if I thought I was going to Hell for being attracted to girls, well, I would hate God too. I know that God loves people who are gay, as he made them that way and they cannot be changed or cured. I've never understood what the big deal was. Love is love; I've always said. Kind of gotten off on a tangent here... I'm glad Christianity has been the template for my whole life. I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a Christian. I'm not embarrassed to say that God loves people of all sexual orientations, and they are going to heaven if they've accepted Jesus in their hearts. They are not doing anything wrong by loving someone and being loved in return.
I guess I started out planning on writing about the paths we take and how every one we took (and not the other), has made us who we are today. But (as writing often does), I've discovered what my connection is on all my paths, Christianity, and somehow that's what I'm talking about. That's got to mean something bigger than I'm realizing at this moment. I know that I could never marry someone that wasn't a Christian, I know that for a fact. I'm not a perfect Christian by any means, and am currently not being relationally intent with God or have a place I call home in the Christian community (I'm working on that), but I still know that I couldn't be with someone that would've even consider God as part of their life, and ours, our paths and our future.
I wish I had a big sweeping ending. Maybe it's just that I am super happy to have been on the path that I have been on. I may not like that I'm still single and not understand why that is, when loving someone intently and purposefully, daily having someone in my life is all I've ever wanted. That and children. But I do have children. I've helped too many to count and my little buddy Sky and his baby brother Ryder. I am so extremely grateful for them. I am loved by many, and I know that, but I guess I thought I had to have my own child to feel that kind of love. I knew, when Sky was a baby, when he "kiss bit" my nose, which he had only done for his parents, that I was very special to him, and I will never take that for granted. If I could be in his life every day, I would in a heart beat. But in a way I still am, though videos, the phone and sending him cards and little things to remind him that his aunt sissy loves him. I am truly blessed and I wouldn't want to be on a different "timeline" where I never met Bekah, and with which I would've never known Sky-The greatest little boy in the world. *Ryder will take the spot of the greatest baby in the world ;o)
It might have been possible to go to a different college, and have the same degree that would get me the same job, which is where I met my bestie, but why would I have moved to Colorado? Or the Springs specifically? It was definitely out of my comfort zone to move away from where my family is, just because that's comfortable and all I knew. It was all because of Baylor, because of my church, because my parents became Christians and wanted to raise me in a church. Christianity is the link to every path I've taken. A lot of people who are gay do not like the church, or find Christians to be judging and not accepting and even hateful, and I get that, many have proven to be that way, but not all are. I didn't grow up knowing anything about people who were gay. I hadn't heard of anyone who was gay until Ellen came out. I hadn't heard anything on the topic being preached at my church, unless I wasn't listening, which is a possibility as I wrote notes to my friends during a lot of services. But I think my ears would've perked up, as it would've been pretty racy stuff for church! "Gay" was never on my radar back then in the 90s. It's not like now, where it's everywhere and even on a show aimed at teens. So, coming out hasn't affected me and God at all. We are still where we've been for awhile, that didn't affect my relationship, like it has so many others. They grew up in a church that shunned them or people like them, so coming out was terrifying and impossible, and if I thought I was going to Hell for being attracted to girls, well, I would hate God too. I know that God loves people who are gay, as he made them that way and they cannot be changed or cured. I've never understood what the big deal was. Love is love; I've always said. Kind of gotten off on a tangent here... I'm glad Christianity has been the template for my whole life. I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a Christian. I'm not embarrassed to say that God loves people of all sexual orientations, and they are going to heaven if they've accepted Jesus in their hearts. They are not doing anything wrong by loving someone and being loved in return.
I guess I started out planning on writing about the paths we take and how every one we took (and not the other), has made us who we are today. But (as writing often does), I've discovered what my connection is on all my paths, Christianity, and somehow that's what I'm talking about. That's got to mean something bigger than I'm realizing at this moment. I know that I could never marry someone that wasn't a Christian, I know that for a fact. I'm not a perfect Christian by any means, and am currently not being relationally intent with God or have a place I call home in the Christian community (I'm working on that), but I still know that I couldn't be with someone that would've even consider God as part of their life, and ours, our paths and our future.
I wish I had a big sweeping ending. Maybe it's just that I am super happy to have been on the path that I have been on. I may not like that I'm still single and not understand why that is, when loving someone intently and purposefully, daily having someone in my life is all I've ever wanted. That and children. But I do have children. I've helped too many to count and my little buddy Sky and his baby brother Ryder. I am so extremely grateful for them. I am loved by many, and I know that, but I guess I thought I had to have my own child to feel that kind of love. I knew, when Sky was a baby, when he "kiss bit" my nose, which he had only done for his parents, that I was very special to him, and I will never take that for granted. If I could be in his life every day, I would in a heart beat. But in a way I still am, though videos, the phone and sending him cards and little things to remind him that his aunt sissy loves him. I am truly blessed and I wouldn't want to be on a different "timeline" where I never met Bekah, and with which I would've never known Sky-The greatest little boy in the world. *Ryder will take the spot of the greatest baby in the world ;o)
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A history lesson: Me and boys. or is it boys and I? I didn't say it was a grammar lesson.
I suddenly felt compelled to write an account, a "history" will you, of the instances where I have had attention, in the past, from a boy...it can be counted on one hand. yes, a human hand, and that number is 5. 6 if you count the very first experience of a boy liking me. Or at least what I think was "liking me."
Our story begins in 1987. I was 6 years old and in the first grade. I was living in Austin, Texas, with my parents and little sister, (as I hadn't moved out yet). And all I remember of this experience is what you would call "typical kiddie love." It wasn't the pulling of the ponytail, from what I recall. It was the chasing me around the playground and trying to kiss me kind. I think his name was Joey, and if I recall correctly, he was an ugly kid. Sorry. Facts are facts. He was snotty and always dirty. He was blonde, I was blonde. I think this was probably the only reason he chased me and wanted to kiss me. You think it's weird I mention hair color? Well, just wait till another story of another boy, later on. I know for a fact that I didn't want him to kiss me, and being a tall leggie little girl who was in ballet and gymnastics, I got away from him quickly and he never got his chance to kiss me. If he kissed other girls on the playground? I have no idea, nor did I care. Kissing and boys and all that jazz didn't interest me at all, well for a long time really. But that's another story.
Fast forward to 10th grade, 1997. Oh look at that! 10 years later. Guess technically it was 96-97. It was my sophomore year of high school. But it was my first year in high school, as 9th grade was still Junior High back then. There was a boy in band. He played the Bassoon. Let's call him Neil. I honestly don't remember. Now he was a really interesting story. Interesting crazy, that is. I honestly don't remember him existing until the night of one of our band concerts. After the concert he gave me a bouquet of red roses and walked off in a sort of march that can only be described as "Nazi-like." Ok let me finish. It was in front of my parents and my Mom was over the moon as this was the first she ever saw of a boy liking me. I was freaked out. Like beyond freaked out. He was a weird kid. He was blonde. Maybe I've always had a thing with not liking real blondes. Like toe-head almost white, blondes. But what was weirder is that in band he gave me a letter that he wrote. It was written like a poem, that, if I was in love with him might be considered sweet, but it was just weird and creepy and Victorian but not in a "aww" way. I couldn't find the letter, I think I threw it away, but I swear I remember something being mentioned about celestial beings...or I was a shooting star or something random like that. I actually read it to the girls in my Flag Corps on a slumber party one night and the fellow Seniors (he was also a senior), totally flipped out. They all surrounded me and was like "Christie. Stay away from him!" (not that I needed any convincing). They told me that in junior high he used to walk down the halls and give people the Nazi salute. He wore capes and stuff and he told me once that he was born in an airplane over Germany, so he was technically German. I was 100% convinced that he liked me because I was blond hair blue eyed, and it was an Aryan race thing. Well. I never gave him any indication that I liked him and when he asked me to Prom, I lied and said I was going to be out of town at my grandma's house. Whether he bought it or not, I don't know. But he promptly let me be and moved on to another blond, which I believe she did go to prom with him. Hmm...anyways, that was a fun story!
The next one was the summer after my freshman year in college. 2000. It was my first love. My first boyfriend. My first best guy friend ever. We were really good friends for a year and dated another year after that. And then sort of 'whatever we were,' on and off after that, years later. But it was amazing and wonderful and heartbreaking and awful, all at the same time. I wouldn't change a thing though. Getting the attention I always wanted from a guy, and one I liked back, well there's nothing in the world better than that. That's the best kind of attention. Mutual like-ness. It still is the greatest love of my life. I still hope I find an even better one, though. One that lasts.
This next one was the summer before my senior year in college, so 2002. It was a summer thing. Well not really even a thing. I guess I'm just awesome and yet another boy I didn't really like that
way, liked me. Yet this time he wasn't chasing me on a playground, or a Nazi lover. He was a pretty normal guy. Well, for an Aggie. haha just kidding. We were spending Sundays helping with the kids at our sister Hispanic church. We had the babies and just played with them and tried to keep them from crying, even though they didn't understand us or why 2 very white young people were caring for them. We went out for ice cream once, but I didn't consider it anything more than a friendship. Summer was ending and we were about to go back to our separate schools. He gave me a hand written note on white school notebook paper, exactly like the one from crazy guy in High School. But this one was sweet and it was about how fun it was to serve God together and how he loved my heart for kids. I thought it was nice and friend like until at the end he said he saw our relationship soaring like an eagle in the future. I didn't know what to make of that. I guess since I didn't respond, he got the hint and moved on. I never heard from him again. I'm sure he met and married a nice Aggie girl and they've had little Aggie babies by now.
So fast forward to 2006. I'm living my dream up in Colorado Springs. I'm so happy in my mountain, laid back habitat. I've got a great group of friends, a "community group" of both guys and girls! A concept most churches don't play along with. I love me some small groups. I hate navigating a large, cattle-like atmosphere of single people. It's like being trapped in an elevator or something. It's not fun to me. But I was having a grand time with my little community group from church. Then for some reason, I think this other group was too small, so we merged with a mostly guys group. I think ours had like 2 guys, and so that's probably why. Well, my original group had yet another Aggie in it! And since we were the only 2 Texans in a group of mostly Wisconsin-ers, we had that in common and talked whenever we were in the group or group activities. So long story short, I meet a guy from the new merging group, when we were all camping. I didn't know that guy #1 was laying tracks for us to possibly date. Maybe I'm clueless to that. So suddenly I had 2 guys wanting to date me!! Can you believe it?? Well, I couldn't, that's for sure. So it's my 25th birthday and my friend plans a bday party. Both guys are there. And both guys are fighting for my attention all night and playing a game of "who can quote more lines from Napoleon Dynamite" to me, and it was just a trip! I have to say I loved it. Flash back to the night before, where I had a lovely dinner date with guy #1, that I didn't realize was a date until the waiter brought over flowers to our table, that he had clearly planned for ahead of time... and I also realized we were at a fancy steak house. I had thought it was a birthday dinner thing, but clearly it was a date. (So I do catch on eventually). And the day before that, I was at STOMP with guy #2. I had actually suggested that one. So, even though it sounds like guy #1 was the more romantic choice, I had already started to like guy #2 and the heart wants what the heart wants and I chose him. It was more of that I hung out with guy #2 all the time, and guy #1 got the picture real quick, which was awesome of him. I actually know for a fact that he is happily married to another Texas girl, so he's fine. And even though I dated guy #2 and thought we were going to get married (since he told me we were), that ended fairly quickly and he is also now married...and to another girl from that same group! Go figure. So, the point of this story is that all the guys in this story are married, and I'm still not...No, I have no idea about ugly boy and Nazi boy. But anywho, it's all great, because I don't even think a "guy" is for me. Maybe. Who knows. I haven't ruled it out. I love attention. And I haven't gotten attention from a guy since that time, 7 years ago. But anything's possible, I'm sure. God has the plan. I do not. I had a plan, several plans, but none of them worked out, and what do I know anyway? I hope I do meet someone who I can pour my attention and love into, just as they would me. I would love that so much. But until then, my attention is on the lovely people that are in my life currently. And the only boys I give my attention to are my godsons. And since my oldest boy told me repeatedly that I'm the best! Well, it's hard to imagine anything better than that. A 2 1/2 year olds love is not just given to anyone. It is better than gold. And it is attention I wouldn't trade in for the world.
Our story begins in 1987. I was 6 years old and in the first grade. I was living in Austin, Texas, with my parents and little sister, (as I hadn't moved out yet). And all I remember of this experience is what you would call "typical kiddie love." It wasn't the pulling of the ponytail, from what I recall. It was the chasing me around the playground and trying to kiss me kind. I think his name was Joey, and if I recall correctly, he was an ugly kid. Sorry. Facts are facts. He was snotty and always dirty. He was blonde, I was blonde. I think this was probably the only reason he chased me and wanted to kiss me. You think it's weird I mention hair color? Well, just wait till another story of another boy, later on. I know for a fact that I didn't want him to kiss me, and being a tall leggie little girl who was in ballet and gymnastics, I got away from him quickly and he never got his chance to kiss me. If he kissed other girls on the playground? I have no idea, nor did I care. Kissing and boys and all that jazz didn't interest me at all, well for a long time really. But that's another story.
Fast forward to 10th grade, 1997. Oh look at that! 10 years later. Guess technically it was 96-97. It was my sophomore year of high school. But it was my first year in high school, as 9th grade was still Junior High back then. There was a boy in band. He played the Bassoon. Let's call him Neil. I honestly don't remember. Now he was a really interesting story. Interesting crazy, that is. I honestly don't remember him existing until the night of one of our band concerts. After the concert he gave me a bouquet of red roses and walked off in a sort of march that can only be described as "Nazi-like." Ok let me finish. It was in front of my parents and my Mom was over the moon as this was the first she ever saw of a boy liking me. I was freaked out. Like beyond freaked out. He was a weird kid. He was blonde. Maybe I've always had a thing with not liking real blondes. Like toe-head almost white, blondes. But what was weirder is that in band he gave me a letter that he wrote. It was written like a poem, that, if I was in love with him might be considered sweet, but it was just weird and creepy and Victorian but not in a "aww" way. I couldn't find the letter, I think I threw it away, but I swear I remember something being mentioned about celestial beings...or I was a shooting star or something random like that. I actually read it to the girls in my Flag Corps on a slumber party one night and the fellow Seniors (he was also a senior), totally flipped out. They all surrounded me and was like "Christie. Stay away from him!" (not that I needed any convincing). They told me that in junior high he used to walk down the halls and give people the Nazi salute. He wore capes and stuff and he told me once that he was born in an airplane over Germany, so he was technically German. I was 100% convinced that he liked me because I was blond hair blue eyed, and it was an Aryan race thing. Well. I never gave him any indication that I liked him and when he asked me to Prom, I lied and said I was going to be out of town at my grandma's house. Whether he bought it or not, I don't know. But he promptly let me be and moved on to another blond, which I believe she did go to prom with him. Hmm...anyways, that was a fun story!
The next one was the summer after my freshman year in college. 2000. It was my first love. My first boyfriend. My first best guy friend ever. We were really good friends for a year and dated another year after that. And then sort of 'whatever we were,' on and off after that, years later. But it was amazing and wonderful and heartbreaking and awful, all at the same time. I wouldn't change a thing though. Getting the attention I always wanted from a guy, and one I liked back, well there's nothing in the world better than that. That's the best kind of attention. Mutual like-ness. It still is the greatest love of my life. I still hope I find an even better one, though. One that lasts.
This next one was the summer before my senior year in college, so 2002. It was a summer thing. Well not really even a thing. I guess I'm just awesome and yet another boy I didn't really like that
way, liked me. Yet this time he wasn't chasing me on a playground, or a Nazi lover. He was a pretty normal guy. Well, for an Aggie. haha just kidding. We were spending Sundays helping with the kids at our sister Hispanic church. We had the babies and just played with them and tried to keep them from crying, even though they didn't understand us or why 2 very white young people were caring for them. We went out for ice cream once, but I didn't consider it anything more than a friendship. Summer was ending and we were about to go back to our separate schools. He gave me a hand written note on white school notebook paper, exactly like the one from crazy guy in High School. But this one was sweet and it was about how fun it was to serve God together and how he loved my heart for kids. I thought it was nice and friend like until at the end he said he saw our relationship soaring like an eagle in the future. I didn't know what to make of that. I guess since I didn't respond, he got the hint and moved on. I never heard from him again. I'm sure he met and married a nice Aggie girl and they've had little Aggie babies by now.
So fast forward to 2006. I'm living my dream up in Colorado Springs. I'm so happy in my mountain, laid back habitat. I've got a great group of friends, a "community group" of both guys and girls! A concept most churches don't play along with. I love me some small groups. I hate navigating a large, cattle-like atmosphere of single people. It's like being trapped in an elevator or something. It's not fun to me. But I was having a grand time with my little community group from church. Then for some reason, I think this other group was too small, so we merged with a mostly guys group. I think ours had like 2 guys, and so that's probably why. Well, my original group had yet another Aggie in it! And since we were the only 2 Texans in a group of mostly Wisconsin-ers, we had that in common and talked whenever we were in the group or group activities. So long story short, I meet a guy from the new merging group, when we were all camping. I didn't know that guy #1 was laying tracks for us to possibly date. Maybe I'm clueless to that. So suddenly I had 2 guys wanting to date me!! Can you believe it?? Well, I couldn't, that's for sure. So it's my 25th birthday and my friend plans a bday party. Both guys are there. And both guys are fighting for my attention all night and playing a game of "who can quote more lines from Napoleon Dynamite" to me, and it was just a trip! I have to say I loved it. Flash back to the night before, where I had a lovely dinner date with guy #1, that I didn't realize was a date until the waiter brought over flowers to our table, that he had clearly planned for ahead of time... and I also realized we were at a fancy steak house. I had thought it was a birthday dinner thing, but clearly it was a date. (So I do catch on eventually). And the day before that, I was at STOMP with guy #2. I had actually suggested that one. So, even though it sounds like guy #1 was the more romantic choice, I had already started to like guy #2 and the heart wants what the heart wants and I chose him. It was more of that I hung out with guy #2 all the time, and guy #1 got the picture real quick, which was awesome of him. I actually know for a fact that he is happily married to another Texas girl, so he's fine. And even though I dated guy #2 and thought we were going to get married (since he told me we were), that ended fairly quickly and he is also now married...and to another girl from that same group! Go figure. So, the point of this story is that all the guys in this story are married, and I'm still not...No, I have no idea about ugly boy and Nazi boy. But anywho, it's all great, because I don't even think a "guy" is for me. Maybe. Who knows. I haven't ruled it out. I love attention. And I haven't gotten attention from a guy since that time, 7 years ago. But anything's possible, I'm sure. God has the plan. I do not. I had a plan, several plans, but none of them worked out, and what do I know anyway? I hope I do meet someone who I can pour my attention and love into, just as they would me. I would love that so much. But until then, my attention is on the lovely people that are in my life currently. And the only boys I give my attention to are my godsons. And since my oldest boy told me repeatedly that I'm the best! Well, it's hard to imagine anything better than that. A 2 1/2 year olds love is not just given to anyone. It is better than gold. And it is attention I wouldn't trade in for the world.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
This blog has no title...but if you need one, then call it LOVE. Because I love love.
Does the word "complacent" really have to be such a bad word? Sure I don't want to set goals and accomplish them. Probably mostly because I'm afraid to fail, and goals feel like I'm being set up to fail. Sure I can make to-do lists till the cows come home and accomplish everything on them, off the notes section on my iphone, but as far big life changing goals, nah, I'm good. I feel content. I feel fine. I'm not over the top happy with my life, but I'm not down in the dumps sad either. I'm neutral on the topic of how my life is going. I definitely have really happy moments while engaging with a friend, seeing a movie, going to a convert, discovering a new show that I can't wait to see the next episode of. And I can certainly get very sad when marital love or friends babies are shoved into my face- 'look at me! look at me! look what I have!' (they yell metaphorically). When face to face with it I try so hard to smile and put enthusiasm in my voice, hopefully I'm believable. A part of me is happy for them. I want my friends to be happy and get everything they want; but I also want that for myself too! And why do they keep getting these important human beings in their life, and I don't? People tell me it's because I'm "looking" and I need to stop looking and love will find me. I don't think staying home all the time counts as "looking for someone." And people say I don't put out the positive energy that attracts someone. And to that I say- bull honkey. People meet "the one" everyday and they aren't in some magical, happy, unicorn rainbow place. And changing your energy 24/7 isn't as easy as you think. All I can do is try. I'm not a magician. I can't just wave a wand and make myself attractable. I'm doing the best that I can. And what about the days I am confident and put out great, positive energy? Why doesn't anyone come into my life then? On that particular day? What about the night I went to Eden lounge? I was happy and smiling and laughing with my friends. I was putting out good energy, and no one came over to talk to me. I wasn't even going there with it in mind that I was going to meet someone real, I just wanted to see the vibe of the place, but isn't that when something is supposed to happen? When you least expect it? when you don't go in with intentions? I love proving everyone wrong. People who have someone just LOVE to say- oh I met my husband when I wasn't looking. bull crap. what about the 364 other days you "were not looking?" why didn't he show on those days? and if he never did, then would you be saying what you are saying now? No, you most certainly would not. You would be groaning, saying why isn't he here yet? But you didn't have to wait 32 years for someone, and counting. You didn't have to go 7 years without having someone love you and kiss you and want to be in your life all the time and just can't wait to talk to you again. At least I have Mollie, I always say. And thank God. I think I would be in a constant state of my body dying from lack of physical touch, if I didn't have her. Kissing her and petting her every day does take some of the edge off. it's not perfect. it's not enough and it's certainly not the same as a human being holding you and hugging you and kissing you and holding your hand while you walk the streets, but it is better than living in a cave with no human interaction.
I have to constantly keep my mind in check. I have to constantly keep myself from going into a too dark on place, wondering why I'm still alone, trying not to think about the last time I was kissed. It feels like a million years ago. It might as well be. Companionship, physical intimacy are more important than you may realize. They better not be taken for granted by you married people. Things don't have to be spicy hot 24/7, that's unrealistic, but a touch by someone that loves you and has chosen you, it's life blood to me. It's water, it's air and it's bread. It's why old people die shortly after their spouse of 60 years dies. I can't imagine having something that long and then have it ripped from your life. I had it a teeny tiny fraction of that and I can barely live without it. I'm not talking about sex here. For guys, they probably would say that, that they couldn't live without it. But I'm talking about a long embrace, being held in bed in the arms of the one you love, being kissed like your life depended on it. That other stuff is awesome too, but I would give up sex if I could have all that other stuff in excess. Which all that stuff would lead to sex, so I don't know why one would need to give that part up...but anyways ;o)
Singleness can only be a gift for so long. It can't be one forever. We are meant for human companionship. I think those that don't desire it or are "fine" being alone, I think those are the people with issues. Those are the people that needs some help. Something is definitely wrong with them. We are not meant to be alone. They must have commitment or intimacy issues. I most certainly do not! If the trust and love is there, man, here you go! here's all of me! I read people really well, I think, so I don't think I'd get taken advantage of in that way. I'm careful who I choose. I observe people way too much, I'm a wallflower by nature, so if I'm not feeling it, or something's "off" with you, I will stay away (potential relationship wise).
I don't think anyone "deserves" someone. No one is perfect. Some people do more good than others, but that do gooder is probably the one without someone, and the person who is just okay, (a decent person), is probably the one that has been with the same person for 20 years. Everything is random. I'm not sure I know what part God plays. He doesn't make sense 99% of the time, so I can't say one way or the other. When a miracle happens, or someone finds the one and it's perfect and right; when someone's cancer is cured, was it God? or was it just the way the cards fell? Because what if that child with cancer died and that person that is perfect for you gets in a car wreck the day before your wedding...what then? was that God too? There's not answers to everything. I don't think there's answers to ANYTHING. Like the facts of life song says- "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life." Everything is so random. With that said, I like to believe in signs. When something so random and tangible, a little object that represents something to me, falls into my lap out of the blue in a near impossible way, I like to believe that means something. I think I only have one instance of which that this was true for me, but it was enough to believe. There have been many signs out there, in the way of things falling into place or things happening perfectly, that lets me know I was on the right path- "arrow signs" we'll call them. But when it comes to "tangible object" signs, well, those are much harder to come by and I think mean a lot more, because they are like seeing a camel in the ocean...just so out of place.
When I was camping in Colorado, back in 2006, I was out in the grass, sort of near a river bank. Far from the city, out in the country of Colorado. Anyways, so I was walking in this shin high grass and I notice something on the ground. it was a tiny white bound book. It was glued together at the binder, but had no cover. it was really tiny, less than 2 inches long, no lines, just blank white paper. For one thing, I had never seen a bound book that small, didn't know why they would make such a thing, and for another, why was it out in the grass like that? Far from people? Nothing was torn from it. nothing was written in it. It was like it was a story book with an unwritten story. it was going to be a small story, probably, but an important one. There were a lot of pages in it, for such a tiny book. So that same day I met the guy I ended up dating and almost married. It was a short lived relationship, small like the book, but it needed all those pages, it was fat in content, because we spent every day together and so much happened in such a short amount of time. That blank, tiny story book, had it's story. The amount of time he was in my life was small...but the impact was fat. there was a lot of meat to that whole relationship. When I found that book I knew it meant a new story was going to begin in my life, I just had no idea it was going to be my 2nd relationship of my life and one that would be so intense. I wrote "the rest is still unwritten" on the cover. As that Natashia Beddingfield song was quite popular at that time in 2006. Bare with me, I'm almost done.
So, 3 new "tangible object" signs have emerged in my life. One is a plastic heart ring that appeared under my trashcan in my front yard, that was brought in by a bird or cat, because it wasn't there before. And then I found a Barbie shoe- a clear high heeled slipper, like Cinderella's glass slipper, and this was out behind a pig statue at a local pizza restaurant, and if I had not gone to take pictures behind it, I wouldn't have seen it. And then today a little plastic, ACTUAL Cinderella! Those last two came just a couple weeks apart. And yes I want to fall in love, and yes I am taking these 3 things as signs that love is coming, but why is Cinderella important? Well, before these 2 recent objects, I started reading this book- "Same sex in the city (so your prince charming is really a Cinderella). It has helped me tremendously understand everything that I've been going through and processing this last year. Hearing everyone's stories on relevant topics like: path to self realization, the first time, coming out, heartbreak and more, it just makes me feel good knowing that everyone's story is different and everyone's path is different and it takes as long as it takes. It helps me not feel rushed. It's only been a little over a year since I realized this about myself. I didn't see the clues in childhood or college. But that's ok, I know now. I'm ready now. I want this and I feel good about it and extremely excited about it. When I finally have a girl that I love spending time with, I know I'll disappear for awhile...into that new and exciting relationship. As it should be. But I definitely won't forget my friends. In fact I'll want to hang out more, now that it's finally my turn to talk about how great my life is and how awesome my girlfriend is. Can't wait for that ;o) Life is funny. Funny weird. It doesn't make any sense, ever, but I am grateful to have it. Life. Losing 2 people in my entertainment world recently was hard. Not because I knew them personally, but because they were in my world practically every day in some shape or form and not only was I used to it, but they made me happy with the gifts and talents they brought to the world. But we can't live in this world forever. We all have an expiration date. I hope mine is a long long time from now. I have so much love I want to give my future "love of my life". So much love I want to give my very own kids. I currently give love to other important people in my life and other important kiddos in my life, but it's not the same. Because these people would belong to me. Not in a selfish, slavish, ownership way, I just mean that we would be each others "most important people in world," top of the list people. #1 "in case of emergency," same last name, people. When that person cries out at night or has happy news to share, I would be the first to know, I wouldn't find out a week later or whenever the next time I saw them. I would be needed in a way no one else can provide for me. I will be a wife and a mother. Huge responsibilities, but HUGE amount of love...infinity of love. And that is a life worth waiting for.
I have to constantly keep my mind in check. I have to constantly keep myself from going into a too dark on place, wondering why I'm still alone, trying not to think about the last time I was kissed. It feels like a million years ago. It might as well be. Companionship, physical intimacy are more important than you may realize. They better not be taken for granted by you married people. Things don't have to be spicy hot 24/7, that's unrealistic, but a touch by someone that loves you and has chosen you, it's life blood to me. It's water, it's air and it's bread. It's why old people die shortly after their spouse of 60 years dies. I can't imagine having something that long and then have it ripped from your life. I had it a teeny tiny fraction of that and I can barely live without it. I'm not talking about sex here. For guys, they probably would say that, that they couldn't live without it. But I'm talking about a long embrace, being held in bed in the arms of the one you love, being kissed like your life depended on it. That other stuff is awesome too, but I would give up sex if I could have all that other stuff in excess. Which all that stuff would lead to sex, so I don't know why one would need to give that part up...but anyways ;o)
Singleness can only be a gift for so long. It can't be one forever. We are meant for human companionship. I think those that don't desire it or are "fine" being alone, I think those are the people with issues. Those are the people that needs some help. Something is definitely wrong with them. We are not meant to be alone. They must have commitment or intimacy issues. I most certainly do not! If the trust and love is there, man, here you go! here's all of me! I read people really well, I think, so I don't think I'd get taken advantage of in that way. I'm careful who I choose. I observe people way too much, I'm a wallflower by nature, so if I'm not feeling it, or something's "off" with you, I will stay away (potential relationship wise).
I don't think anyone "deserves" someone. No one is perfect. Some people do more good than others, but that do gooder is probably the one without someone, and the person who is just okay, (a decent person), is probably the one that has been with the same person for 20 years. Everything is random. I'm not sure I know what part God plays. He doesn't make sense 99% of the time, so I can't say one way or the other. When a miracle happens, or someone finds the one and it's perfect and right; when someone's cancer is cured, was it God? or was it just the way the cards fell? Because what if that child with cancer died and that person that is perfect for you gets in a car wreck the day before your wedding...what then? was that God too? There's not answers to everything. I don't think there's answers to ANYTHING. Like the facts of life song says- "you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, the facts of life." Everything is so random. With that said, I like to believe in signs. When something so random and tangible, a little object that represents something to me, falls into my lap out of the blue in a near impossible way, I like to believe that means something. I think I only have one instance of which that this was true for me, but it was enough to believe. There have been many signs out there, in the way of things falling into place or things happening perfectly, that lets me know I was on the right path- "arrow signs" we'll call them. But when it comes to "tangible object" signs, well, those are much harder to come by and I think mean a lot more, because they are like seeing a camel in the ocean...just so out of place.
When I was camping in Colorado, back in 2006, I was out in the grass, sort of near a river bank. Far from the city, out in the country of Colorado. Anyways, so I was walking in this shin high grass and I notice something on the ground. it was a tiny white bound book. It was glued together at the binder, but had no cover. it was really tiny, less than 2 inches long, no lines, just blank white paper. For one thing, I had never seen a bound book that small, didn't know why they would make such a thing, and for another, why was it out in the grass like that? Far from people? Nothing was torn from it. nothing was written in it. It was like it was a story book with an unwritten story. it was going to be a small story, probably, but an important one. There were a lot of pages in it, for such a tiny book. So that same day I met the guy I ended up dating and almost married. It was a short lived relationship, small like the book, but it needed all those pages, it was fat in content, because we spent every day together and so much happened in such a short amount of time. That blank, tiny story book, had it's story. The amount of time he was in my life was small...but the impact was fat. there was a lot of meat to that whole relationship. When I found that book I knew it meant a new story was going to begin in my life, I just had no idea it was going to be my 2nd relationship of my life and one that would be so intense. I wrote "the rest is still unwritten" on the cover. As that Natashia Beddingfield song was quite popular at that time in 2006. Bare with me, I'm almost done.
So, 3 new "tangible object" signs have emerged in my life. One is a plastic heart ring that appeared under my trashcan in my front yard, that was brought in by a bird or cat, because it wasn't there before. And then I found a Barbie shoe- a clear high heeled slipper, like Cinderella's glass slipper, and this was out behind a pig statue at a local pizza restaurant, and if I had not gone to take pictures behind it, I wouldn't have seen it. And then today a little plastic, ACTUAL Cinderella! Those last two came just a couple weeks apart. And yes I want to fall in love, and yes I am taking these 3 things as signs that love is coming, but why is Cinderella important? Well, before these 2 recent objects, I started reading this book- "Same sex in the city (so your prince charming is really a Cinderella). It has helped me tremendously understand everything that I've been going through and processing this last year. Hearing everyone's stories on relevant topics like: path to self realization, the first time, coming out, heartbreak and more, it just makes me feel good knowing that everyone's story is different and everyone's path is different and it takes as long as it takes. It helps me not feel rushed. It's only been a little over a year since I realized this about myself. I didn't see the clues in childhood or college. But that's ok, I know now. I'm ready now. I want this and I feel good about it and extremely excited about it. When I finally have a girl that I love spending time with, I know I'll disappear for awhile...into that new and exciting relationship. As it should be. But I definitely won't forget my friends. In fact I'll want to hang out more, now that it's finally my turn to talk about how great my life is and how awesome my girlfriend is. Can't wait for that ;o) Life is funny. Funny weird. It doesn't make any sense, ever, but I am grateful to have it. Life. Losing 2 people in my entertainment world recently was hard. Not because I knew them personally, but because they were in my world practically every day in some shape or form and not only was I used to it, but they made me happy with the gifts and talents they brought to the world. But we can't live in this world forever. We all have an expiration date. I hope mine is a long long time from now. I have so much love I want to give my future "love of my life". So much love I want to give my very own kids. I currently give love to other important people in my life and other important kiddos in my life, but it's not the same. Because these people would belong to me. Not in a selfish, slavish, ownership way, I just mean that we would be each others "most important people in world," top of the list people. #1 "in case of emergency," same last name, people. When that person cries out at night or has happy news to share, I would be the first to know, I wouldn't find out a week later or whenever the next time I saw them. I would be needed in a way no one else can provide for me. I will be a wife and a mother. Huge responsibilities, but HUGE amount of love...infinity of love. And that is a life worth waiting for.
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