Love...and tandem bikes.

I was just looking at pics of my godsons. One in particular of the youngest, laughing for the first time. 2 months old, and actually laughing, and his "sissy" made him laugh. I love them so much. I had just met baby Ryder that weekend, as my bestie had moved almost 8 hours away. I was there for the big 2 year old's birthday. it was incredible. sharing that with them, with him. He calls me "sissy." He wouldn't imitate Auntie and Christie is too hard and too formal. I am more to him than a name people I'm not close with call me everyday. I remember when my little sister was young, she would call me sissy, not for sister, but actually her trying to say Christie, so we tried it and it took off! he asks for me all the time and I send him videos of me reading children's books to him. He obviously remembers me and loves me, the videos are for fun and lets mom take a shower while he watches them. I've even been the cause of a tantrum. Because he didn't want to turn the computer off. he wanted to "watch sissy." I've never been happier for a tantrum. I can't wait to see him and his baby bro in Destin in a month. Just me, my bestie and my boys. Not only have I never seen blue water and white sand, I've never been to the beach with Sky, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing that joy and shrieks of excitement when he sees that big 'ol sand box. And although he was talking at his birthday, he's talking even more now and in short sentences, so I can't wait to hear him. His voice is like the sweetest sound in the world.
As much as I love my godsons more than any other kids in the world, I long for my own. I don't know if I'll ever have them. I don't know if I'll give birth to a child that is half me and half...or if I'll adopt a child and called them my own. I used to want 4. Now I would give anything for just 1. Life is funny. You think you're life is going to be: married to a guy at 22, house, dog, a couple of kids. And instead it's the opposite of that: single, gay, half a house (rented duplex), cat and no kids! Does God have a sense of humor or what?! Is he playing a joke on me, or is my life perfect because it is exactly where I'm supposed to be? I have some more friends now. Instead of losing friends when I came out, I gained new friends. Friends are awesome. Bekah, (my bestie and Mom of my godsons), is more than a friend to me. She's a sister. She knows what I'm going to say before I say it. I only get to see her every few months, yet our friendship grows all the time. It's stronger through marriage and 2 kids and many moves on their part. Now who can really say that about their friends? When someone gets married and has kids, or even sometimes just a boyfriend, they kind of fall off the face of the earth for the most part. Maybe they kind of bleed through like a vision from another timeline...sorry I've been watching too much "Fringe." But whatever the case, the relationship changes and weakens. I feel pretty blessed that we're still close. I still wish we could talk more and see each other more, but our texts are much appreciated. Texting is underrated I think. People are like, it's not real human connection. It's not real emotion, or what have you. Well, is this blog I'm writing real? Do you feel my emotion? I think so. If you're a good writer at conveying thoughts on paper, then I think you can have an amazing relationship through text. You've had to of met the person first and had a face to face friendship, most of the time, to make it really work, but sometimes I think I make more sense in text. I can process better through my fingers than I can when someone is staring at me. I don't think I have Asperger's, but I don't really look at people too well in the eye when I talk to them, and my voice most definitely doesn't carry in a loud room like a club or bar. Just forget me talking, it's like I'm a ghost. Not to mention I don't drink anyway, so those places are lost on me. I also sometimes stumble on words, or forget basic words, like that thing, that's a thing with the thing. I say that a lot. That word was lawn mower, by the way. See what I mean?

Friends are great. Godsons are great. Best friends and cats named Mollie are even more great. But you know what would be incredibly amazingly wonderful? If right now, there was someone sitting in  my living room watching TV. Or in the bed next to me reading and asking when I'll be done typing, because the key sound is driving her crazy! That's what would be the best of greatest. I have a list going of up to 20 things so far, that I want to do when I get a girlfriend. Silly things like tandem bike riding, or picnics at White rock, hot air balloon rides and laying out and watching the stars on my front lawn. I can do a lot of things alone, and I do, but some things are meant for a significant other. Some things are meant for a love to do them with. For someone who is not there through text, or the phone, or occasional face to face time a few hours one day. But someone that you see practically every day, or every day at some point in the day, when you've made it to the living together stage! Sure we have work and I need my "me" time like nobody's business, but I long for intense face to face love. holding hands and staring into the eyes of the one beside me, where our noses touch. I mean, do you think I'm getting that with my friends? Of course not. We're not "that" kind of friends. One day. I tell myself, one day. I have this picture of a rainbow I found at Michael's and it says "somewhere." I'm guessing it meant "somewhere over the rainbow" since the word somewhere is literally over the rainbow. But I added to it in stickers. I put above it, "It's a beautiful day." then is says somewhere. and I put under it "True love waits for me." If I don't believe that true love is waiting for me somewhere, then what has all this been for? What would be the point of going through all this with myself and the struggle and understanding and coming to terms and coming out. Why? It has to be because my person, my love, is out there, and it's a girl, and if I wasn't looking for that, then I would walk right by her and not give her a second look. She wouldn't even be on my radar. I have to believe that all those letters I've written to my future love that I was gonna marry, were not in vain. They were meant for someone to read. They aren't meant to sit in a shoebox, sealed and taped up. I haven't read them since I wrote them, and I started writing them when I was 16. I'm coming up on 32, and although I don't understand why I'm still alone, maybe now I'm on the right path to meet the one. She's out there. She's close. I can feel her. Hopefully we will cross paths soon. Because Momma's getting antsy. And one of the things on that list I most definitely can't do by myself, and I'm not talking about the tandem bike ride. If anyone reads this and feels inclined to pray or send out positive vibes or a message to the great void for me, please do so. Say these words with me: "Please send Christie's one great love to her. In human form. In "true love meant to be together forever" form. She thanks you for her friends, family, godsons, dogs and cats, but she's ready for that one to spend her life with, and that they may live together forever in the same house. And get married and have as many children as they want, and in whatever form they want to have them in. Amen, peace out, thank you mother earth." And thank YOU for all that read this and said that last part and meant it. Even if I don't know you. I appreciate it. I believe everyone who really wants someone to share their everyday life with and who wants to work on a relationship and views it as realistically as I do (I don't have blinders on, I know it's very hard), should have it! No one "deserves" to have that committed partner in love. It's a gift, but it's a gift many have and I want more than anything. How else will I ride a tandem bike? ;o)