You ever wonder why some people find the one they spend their lives with, in high school, while others live a life of lonliness and don't find anyone until they are much older or even at all? I don't know about you, but I think about this a lot. It certainly isn't fair. It's not like they "deserve" someone. If that was the case wouldn't Mother Teresa and Ghandi have someone?? And I'm pretty sure they were single their whole lifes. I think they chose it, but still. Am I supposed to act like it's fine, I don't need anyone, I can be alone forever? Because then I'll either start to believe it and have a wonderful life without someone, or because I'm so cool and collected, this awards me a person to spend my life with. Congrats you passed the test! yeah, sorry I don't like any of those options. I'm certainly tired of being everyone else's lucky charm. I'm tired of being that ugly rabbit foot that you're not quite sure is a real rabbit or not, but it's creepy and yet somehow magical at the same time. It seems like everyone I become friends with finds someone before me! It's totally unfair. And it's gone on long enough. I'm gonna stop befriending single people and only be friends with married people, or at least people in serious relationships. Maybe their good luck will rub off on me for a change. Of course it's a Catch 22, as thier time is more limited, than those of single people, so it will be a challenge to hang out with them. Or maybe it's not that I'm a good luck charm. It's that they are a typical 20-30 something, who dates people, goes out on dates, is in the dating scene, and I'm the freak that hasn't had any love in over 6 years. No dates. Nothing. That's not normal, I know. But it is what it is. I don't think I'm picky. I have recenly changed teams. To the team I was always supposed to be on, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't feel new to me. It feels like where I should've always been and now that I'm here I expect results now. This minute. I've waited long enough. And that's not how it's working for me. Unfortunatly. Maybe that's not how it works for anyone, but it feels like people get results a lot quicker than the turtle pace I move at. I'm smart and educated and very loyal and caring. I take care of babies and help parents and care for my friends and family and I feel like I help people to not be afraid to get out there and try things, and I'm not asking for a cookie, but I do want what they all seem to find. Love. A different love than a friend can provide. Why doesn't it happen for me? Is there something wrong with me that I'm not seeing? (This is rhetorical, none of you are qualified to answer this). haha ;o)
It plagues me sometimes. It angers me. It makes me think God hates me or enjoys shoving the love of others in my face every single day. He gets a kick out of it. Ha ha look what they have now and you don't! I don't care if that sounds childish. I don't care if you're like, there are bigger problems in the world and people are facing cancer and joblessness and hunger everyday. Finding the one to make your heart whole again is at the bottom of a long list. I know that. But this is what's most important to me. I don't want it to be my 'cross to bear' for my whole life. If I have to have a cross to bear, I'd like it to be something else. I mean, we all have things we struggle with, but this seems to be the theme of my whole life and I don't like that. Can I choose something else? I'm like enough is enough. Can I get an AMEN child??! It's just the way it goes I suppose. I don't know what else I can do. I do the best I can to meet people, but it's definitely hard when you don't fit in with the typical 20-30 something person. Bars and clubs are not me. Alcohol is not something I like or want to participate in and I wish I didn't have to be around intoxicated people ever, but I do, because it's impossible to make a group of friends that don't drink. I don't think that exists, unless you're Mormon, which I am not.
I enjoy laughing and having fun, soberly. Sober fun and games. There's nothing wrong with that. It is possible, even if you disagree with me. I remember the fun times...do you? those that drink a lot? Anyways, this isn't a PSA about alcohol intake. Everyone is entitled to do what they want as long as they don't hurt others, which I think is a dicey game when involving large amounts of alcohol. So good luck with that.
Ok. I've hit a wall. I apologize if this isn't going anywhere. It was a contemplation moment. It's what I'm processing tonight. Hopefully it made some sort of sense. If not, well hopefully I didn't waste too much of your time. But when it comes to the whens and whys of love, there are no answers. Sometimes you hit a wall. Sometimes there are no explanations. It is what it is. It seems like people are meeting and connecting every day...finding that one person to love. But in reality, the odds are extremely low that this person exists and that it really is forever. Couples don't die together in bed when they're old like in "The Notebook." I think that's what happened. I'm not sure, I saw it once, years ago and didn't like it. Give me quirky a quirky rom com any day, not that dramatic love conquers all, mushy BS. lol! alright. off to bed. The end. And they all lived happily ever after...
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